First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...
...then comes Trevor in a baby carriage and then comes another wedding because All My Children was in serious need of a splashy ceremony and they can't help it that the only couples on this show worth rooting for are already married!
Jake and Amanda's re-wedding gave us something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue:
- Something old: Jake and Amanda's marriage license. Oh, aside from that? Rylee. The wedding gave us some shameless Rylee pimping and oh, goodness, is that old. And also horrifying. But more on that later.
- Something new: Pine Valley's Mayor Blanco is a new (and welcome!) presence in Pine Valley.
- Something borrowed: Liza Colby's wardrobe was most certainly on loan from the Carly Corinthos Jacks collection, no?
- Something blue: My face, as in, "I am blue in the face from the ranting and raving I have done in several venues about how uber-silly it is that the writers tried so hard to create dramatic tension in a situation where the worst case scenario would be that nothing would change!"
Okay, so she wasn't at the wedding, so using her as the new is probably cheating but do you know how hard it is to come up with something new at a wedding where the participants are already married?! Watching the Mayor coldly and calmly strike the fear of God into Natalia was a delight, especially since she asked the question we've all wondered about: "Does Chief Hubbard make it a habit of using this department to settle his personal scores?"
It also gave us an actor and actress who were quite obviously having a ball, which is always nice to see, and some pretty wedding fashion. Really, all the buildup this wedding needed was a scroll at the bottom of the screen saying, "Tune in for Jake and Amanda's wedding. People will look pretty! Well, Chrishell Stause will look pretty. And other people...well, other people will also be wearing clothes."
She is utterly lovely. Part of me wants to hate her, but the other part of me realizes that she's too damn adorable to hate.
Adorable is not the descriptor I would use for some of these other dresses. Aside from Liza's "Carly Corinthos Jack IS Sharon Stone in the Port Charles Dinner Theater's production of The Production of Casino" look, there was...there was a big question and that question is why the hell do you go out of your way to make Rebecca Budig look like this?!
That is what we call a curly-headed rat's nest. A...crispy curly-headed rat's nest, at that. I am perplexed that nobody thought, during the hours it must have taken to tease her hair into that position (I refuse to say that's a style), "Um, why are we making her hair wider than her body"?
Someone in the wardrobe department has a serious fetish for exposed zippers and I have to ask that person whether they prefer the term "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged" because that is a trend that I despise. I once saw an adorable floral skirt that was the perfect length and the perfect print, and it had an enormous gold zipper going down the side, and I dropped it as though it was burning and I let out an audible yelp.
Even sick, Angie looked better than most of the other guests, thanks to Debbi Morgan's enviable genes.
Krystal was there.
Shut up, Krystal.
Colby's hair and makeup? Gorgeous.
Her dress, which I could not get a good picture of? Insanely freaking short.
Randi's dress was also insanely freaking short, ruffly and, probably, the most interesting Randi-related thing to happen all year.
When Ryan saw Madison in her wedding attire, he said, "Wow", and told her that she looked incredible. I assumed that he meant "Wow" as in "Wow, you look like you walked off the set of a Poison video".
Her hair deflated a bit after that, but I still didn't love it.
I also don't love Dave Barnes--wait, that's not fair. I just have no idea who Dave Barnes is, despite AMC thinking that I should. Is it just me? Am I hopelessly lame? Don't answer that.
So, the entire bouquet toss/garter toss (the garter toss is a tradition that makes me hugely uncomfortable and I am so glad that I've never actually seen it in person, BTW) was an excuse for the Martins to push Tad and Liza together which was awkward and squirm inducing, but WAY less so than the "victory dance" Jake pushed Greenlee and Ryan to take. You know in horror movies how you can often hear the serial killer panting during the scenes when he is stalking his nubile prey? Well, I hear Rylee panting. And instead of murdering me (which would be the humane thing to do), Rylee is instead killing my joy.
Jake: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to interrupt you. I've been doing that a lot. With good cause. A lot of you don't realize this, but last night, there was a little scuffle at my bachelor party and, well, regardless, we almost lost my girl's ring. But thanks to Ryan and Greenlee, and a stick of bubble gum and a pen, I think it was, they made magic happen. So I think they should take a bow.
Jake: I hadn't finished my thought. I meant they should take a victory dance. That's what they should do.
The hell is a victory dance, for one? And the only dance related to Rylee that should be done is a rain dance, but instead of hoping for rain, we'll all hope that this couple never rises from the dead to make us all miserable.
Do we think that Angie's dizzy spell will lead to a Hubbard story that, in a big departure from their stories of late, will allow them to do something besides use the PVPD to further the agenda of Jesse's friends? And do we think it will be well written? Hey, stop laughing, it could happen!
Have you sufficiently calmed down? Okay, good, because I have another question: do you think the backstory behind Caleb's sad locket will be entertaining? Because I so, so don't.
But, hey, Erica (and probably Caleb, at some point, because I still think he has something to do with Pine Valley) is going to be back in town soon, since Jack is going to save her...with some help from Krystal, because what the hell? She literally has nothing else to do.
Jackson: West Virginia. It's the last place Erica was seen. I'm -- no matter where she is, I'm gonna find her. I'm gonna bring her back no matter how long it takes. Krystal, do me a favor, will you? Go back to the office and cancel all my appointments, please.
Krystal: Listen, Jackson, I'm sorry, but you're just gonna have to get somebody else to make your phone calls. I'm going with you.
Why did Jack not respond with, "Oh, EW, gross! No! That's disgusting", which is the only response a rational person should have when confronted with the possibility of spending time with Krystal.
After a week of David saying that Greenlee shouldn't go to the wedding because she'd spill the Erica-related beans in a matter of seconds, Greenlee spilled the Erica-related beans to Ryan. UGH. OF COURSE she confessed to Herr Douche, of all people (and I use that word loosely). And then he spent all of Friday's episode trying to get more details out of her and self-righteously telling her to do the right thing, standing alongside Jesse when he questioned Greens as though his smug ass had any earthly reason to be there.
When she pointed this out, he defended his obnoxious presence with a lame, "I am the person you confided in". And Jesse was like, "Uh huh, that's allowed".
UGH, GREENLEE, WHY DID YOU DO THIS? Is it because you knew he'd make some hilarious faces expressing his confusion?
Because it's only acceptable to involve this douchebag in something if it means you get to point and laugh at him, loudly.