Grudge Holding 101
If I had to sum General Hospital up with one word, that word would be hatred.
Surprisingly, the hatred I am referring to is not my own hatred of this show (mostly because, at this point, that just goes without saying), or Bob Guza's hatred of the audience (ibid) but, rather the hatred that fills all of the people in Port Charles. Everyone is embroiled in a blood feud with someone or something, for reasons valid or petty, to the point where misanthropy should have gotten first billing for the past couple of episodes.
LULU VS. SONNY
Lulu is an army of one, continuing to exhibit disdain and hatred for the man who shot an unarmed cop in the chest. It says so much about this show that there is only one person in all of Port Charles who still thinks that was a reprehensible act, and that the person doing the shooting of an unarmed cop is the show's romantic lead. Yes, indeed, it says so much...all of it curse words.
Sonny: It's amazing how committed you are to hating me. It must take a lot of energy.
Lulu: Actually, it's really easy. 'Cause all I have to do is look at the scar on Dante's chest from where you shot him.
Sonny: You know what, Lulu, I made a terrible mistake. Can't we just move on from there?
"Are you really still going on about this, Lulu? So I shot a cop. I apologized, once I found out he was my kid. Let's just let bygones be bygones okay? Geez Louise!"
Lulu: A mistake is forgetting to put the top on the toothpaste or forgetting someone's birthday. You shot your son in the chest.
Sonny: Ok, yeah.
"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds horrible, but it is what it is. Let's move past this. You're being unreasonable."
If I ever get hit in the head and experience amnesia (this is the second time that I have worried about this in as many weeks! I am more in fear of my clumsiness than I realized) and forget why I hate Sonny Corinthos, I am going to count on one of you to explain it to me, which I know sounds like it would be a really long conversation but, really, all you'd need to do is remind me of this conversation and it will jog my memory.
I find it hard to identify a part of this revenge story as the actual worst, but definitely in the top three is how quickly Lulu is falling into this poorly thought out and insulting trap! Don't get me wrong, I'd have also snapped at Brook by this point, but the endless Bensonhurst reminiscing would have been what pushed me over the edge, not...ironing.
Brook: Pushing it? Pushing what?
Lulu: Locking yourself out of the apartment, finding an excuse to show up naked on Dante's doorstep and that whole domestic goddess angle, cooking and cleaning and ironing and finding any excuse to show your happy home making skills. I'm sorry, I have to break it to you: it's not going to work. I'm with Dante. I'm not sharing.
Dante, of course, overheard this entire shrill and possessive exchange, so the story is all set up for Dante thinking Lulu is overreacting, and Lulu becoming more and more paranoid, and me getting tension headaches.
LIZ VS. NIKOLAS
This is another one of those feuds that I find completely rational; how could I disagree with someone being angry with Nikolas when I, myself, have been angry with him for the better part of the year due to the fact that he is terrible. No, my beef here is really with Shirley, who is a total buttinski.
Shirley: Thank you. Next time why don't I just hold the doors open and you can push Nikolas down the elevator shaft.
Elizabeth: I told you there was a lot of tension between us.
Shirley: Yeah, the tension seems to be going one way, from you to him.
I don't particularly relish the chance to quote Dodgeball for the express purpose of yelling at a kindly cancer patient, but: cram it up your cramhole, Shirley. I know you are hear to teach Liz and viewers important life lessons and to sear our eyeballs with your ugly jewelry but really. LIZ VS. COMMON FUCKING SENSE
LIZ VS. COMMON FUCKING SENSE
Elizabeth, I need to talk to you and I need to do it in all caps: THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?
Elizabeth: Mmm, maybe not. Jason set up a trust for Cameron and Jake. If I talk to Diane, I can see about breaking it. If the return on the money is as great you think it might be, then I would never have to take anything from Nikolas ever again.
I understand that you are inexplicably having financial problems and can't afford to send Cam to a fancy, expensive summer camp* but what the hell kind of person decides to use the money in the trust fund that her hitman babydaddy set up for her children to make an investment? This is a HORRIBLE idea. Scratch that, this is the kind of idea that horrible ideas look at with terror and disgust. Again: THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?
*An easy solution to this dilemma would be to stand at the nurse's station and loudly announce, "Cam wants to go to Bubble World Aquarium's summer camp!" and then stand back as throngs of people who are delighted by Cam rush over to make donations.
CARLY VS. SONNY
Sonny immediately realized that something was off about Carly forgiving Lulu for her betrayal, since Carly's brain is incapable of forgiveness, which makes it even worse that Lulu hasn't picked up on this yet. How humiliating it will be for her when not only realizes the truth, but realizes that Sonny figured it out before she did?!
Carly tried to deflect Sonny's interrogation about her revenge scheme by hitting him where it hurts (the part of his heart that is devoted to thoughts about himself) with what hurts him the most: the truth.
Carly: When I look at Lulu, I see myself. I see all the stupid things I did in the name of love. Hell, I destroyed my mom's marriage. I maybe should have let Michael grow up with AJ.
Sonny: Do you really want to go there?
Carly: Would Michael be in prison if he grew up a Quartermaine?
No, he'd have been killed off a couple of years ago.
Also: Hello, there, Duh Face!
SONNY VS. JOHNNY
Sonny is like a rabid dog with his hatred of Johnny (the tiny kind of dog that you can carry in a purse, obviously). When Carly admitted that she, Sonny and Jason are to blame for the turn Michael's life had taken, but immediately followed that up by stating that Dante is most at fault for him being in prison, Sonny lashed out:
Sonny: Now you sound like Johnny Zacchara...[...]...you're going to side with that lying freak?
I found that incredibly amusing, like Sonny was just itching to work Johnny into the conversation somehow and seized the first opportunity. Please don't interpret this as my being interested in their pissing match/mob war, because...oh, goodness, I am not. I have not managed to pay attention to a full Johnny/Ethan scene, so I have no real idea what's going on. It just cracks me up to imagine Sonny being so obsessed with Johnny (in that way!) and searching for ways to talk about him.
KRISTINA VS. SONNY
Kristina continues to be a pocket-sized ray of light on this show, refusing to back down from her assertion that Sonny is abusive, even if he's never hit his wife or children. I am proud of her (or as proud as I can be of a fictional character) that she is standing her ground, even though her brother completely disagrees with her:
Kristina: I'm beginning to realize how messed up I am. I let Kiefer hit me because there was never a man in my life to set a positive example.
Michael: What about Dad?
Michael! Pay attention, puh-lease! She specifically said positive example! Sonny's an example of a lot of things, all right, including narcissism, Napoleon complex and expert stemware flinging, but treating women--hell, treating human beings with respect? Kind of not his strong suit.
So she went to discuss her feelings with her father. How do you think he took it? If you answered anything but "poorly", you must have quit watching this show in 1999.
Kristina: Michael says you love me, and that you're not abusive.
Sonny: Your brother knows me well [OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE--Ed.]
Kristina: You really can't stand to hear the truth about yourself, can you?
Sonny, irritated: Okay--
Kristina: So you have Michael, whose stuck in prison because of you, fight your battles. But it doesn't matter because I know the truth. I've seen it over and over. You're abusive. And you'll never change, because you can't even admit you're wrong.
That sounds like the speech that would come at the climax of a Lifetime movie and, if you know anything about me at all, you know that's the highest of compliments.
(Uh, quick question though: why is Skye giving Kristina motherly advice instead of, you know, Alexis? And where is Lila Rae? I hope she's not wandering the streets of Port Charles aimlessly while her mother lavishes attention on Kristina and Jax!)
PATRICK VS. STEVEN
Patrick: I'm sure it's great, but I really don't feel like Tex-Mex.
Steven: Or we can vote on it?
Patrick: Or...we can go back to Plan A.
Lisa: Which is?
Patrick: Which is, you buy me dinner for helping out in surgery and we can discuss the investment another time.
I know I am going to regret ever saying this, because I can't even begin to imagine the kind of depraved things the GH writing staff would have me do, but desperate times call for desperate measures: I will do anything if it gets the writers to give Patrick something else to do besides act like a jealous, petulant childover Stone or over Steven's relationship with Lisa. Bribery? Fine. Elaborate, novel length Bob Guza/Jason Morgan fan fiction? I'll do it, Guza! I'll do it!
I'm left crafting elaborate conspiracy theories for why this is the only note they let poor Jason Thompson play: are they trying to disprove my assertion that he is always charming ("Always, Mallory? What about now, when he's acting like a toddler? How about now, when describing the way he's acting as 'acting like a toddler' is an insult to toddlers?")? Are they trying to get people so enraged by this story that they eventually just start fast-forwarding Patrick (and Patrick and Robin) scenes, thereby giving the show a convenient excuse for cutting Scrubs airtime from eight minutes a week to two? There has to be some nefarious plot going on here because the notion that people think this is entertainment just...depresses me.