I'm Renewing My Vow of Irritation With This Show
I need someone to explain to me, in the simplest manner possible and, preferably, with monosyllabic words (in other words, please explain this to me as though I were Brian Frons), why on earth All My Children has chosen to focus the better part of this week on the shenanigans and intrigue leading up to the wedding of a couple who is already happily married.
It goes without saying that I love a good soap wedding, since they tend to involve all of the soapy things I hold dear: pretty (or decidedly unpretty, which is sometimes even better) frocks, cast integration, heartfelt vows and, often, a completely inappropriate outburst by a jilted lover/disapproving parent/random nefarious evildoer. Really, when they're done right, there is nothing better (even when the marriage doesn't actually happen!).
And I know that most soap weddings are preceded by all sorts of cliched misunderstandings or troubles, like missing rings, or nightmares about the future, or the bride or groom getting waylaid (figuratively or literally, wink wink nudge nudge) on the way to the wedding. These hijinks can either be entertaining or an obvious ploy by the writing staff to stretch a wedding story out until the end of the week and, well, it's completely obvious that the latter is true, in the case of Jake and Amanda's wedding, which is especially galling because, as I said italicized above and must now shout all caps lock-y, THEY ARE ALREADY HAPPILY MARRIED. So the seemingly endless airtime devoted to the groom getting arrested, and the massive search for a missing wedding ring, and the like is so irksome because the worst case scenario for all of this crap is that, oh, well, they don't have this party and it's okay BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY HAPPILY MARRIED, OH MY FREAKING GOODNESS.
I suppose it could be worse: this could all be about a couple that I don't like (I think Jake and Amanda are adorable under the best circumstances; at worst, I am annoyed by or indifferent to them, but it's not like I loathe and despise them like I do a certain couple that the show is trying to pimp so hard that I want to file a restraining order against them, yes, RYLEE, I am looking at you with fear and loathing in my eyes) and it could be taking away precious screentime from a story I actually care about and since AMC right now has none of those, that's not a problem. The problem is the endless, soul-sucking boring.
While I am asking questions that can best be answered with the phrase "Because these people are hopelessly inept", may I ask why the wardrobe department has such a horrible track record when it comes to dressing Jamie Luner in clothes manufactured this decade that actually flatter her?
Because since we nearly saw her naked this week, and nearly naked Jamie Luner looks like this:
Which means, for starters, that I have a new workout inspiration and also that one has to actively seek out clothes to make her look bad, because that body is made for rocking a wide variety of clothes. I have to believe that there is some sort of blood feud between Jamie Luner and someone in the wardrobe department and, having seen the way they dress some of their other stars, I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and put the blame completely on the wardrobe department, who must have her mixed up with a truly evil person on whom they are trying to get revenge. It's the only plausible explanation.
I really hate that Damon now has the upper hand here, with proof that Liza stupidly (I mean, really! What a terrible scheme!) tried to hit on him, because I hate Damon, and I hate that he can now taunt Liza, when, really, she's the only person in this damn town with a lick of sense and since she's a nitwit who had a fake pregnancy a year ago, that's saying something and that something is "What the hell has happened to this show? Adam, come back! Zach and Kendall, I miss you!" You know that when this all comes out, everybody is going to be aghast, because it's so much worse than Damon's various crimes and misdemeanors and generally horrendous attitude.
Did you know that everybody in town hates David? This is something the show has been exploring with subtlety, so I completely understand if you missed it. Similarly, Greenlee knows what happened to Erica and she feels guilty about that. Again, the show isn't, like, having Greens walk around with big, baleful eyes and responding to everyone who speaks to her all skittishly, as though she has a big thought bubble over her head that says, "I totes know what happened to Erica!" I know, I didn't get it at first either, but after the 942nd time someone used the pronoun "she" in a conversation with Greenlee and Greenlee jumped eight feet in the air with a look of unbridled terror on her face, it all made sense to me!
[This is where I should say something about the moment between Ryan and Greenlee that I have seen described as warm, but I describe as white hot, as in "the very thought of these two rekindling the vomit-inducing dysfunction junction this show tries to pass off as a romance to end all romances fills me with such white hot rage that I temporarily went blind". And I will say something: vomit. But that's all I'll say, because I have a feeling that the more I discuss how utterly wrong this couple is, the sooner the writers will dismantle David and Greenlee and throw her back into Ryan's horrible arms. I have a theory that Rylee is like a horror movie serial killer who feeds off of the hatred of viewers and gains superhuman strength with which to kill us all. Not literally...just, like, our happiness.]