Serial Drama

The New Girls In Town

A lot happened in Pine Valley today: Erica fell into a pit; Krystal drawled something meaningless; Jesse continued to hate David and conveniently took a break from his usual routine of stalking David just as Hayward was the victim of assault (All I said was that a lot happened in Pine Valley, I didn't say that any of it was interesting because oh, goodness, is that not the case). In the midst of all of that action, an unfamiliar face and an unfamiliar personality took center stage.

Bianca is back in town, now played by Christina Bennett Lind. Judging by her appearance, I am assuming that the casting call noted that a primary criteria for getting the role was to have enormous eyes.

I am way hard on recasts. I talk a good game and say things like, "I am going to be patient and give them time to settle into the role", but I rarely mean that, which I am sure you all figured, because since when do I wait before forming an opinion? Knee-jerk reactions are kind of my thing! 

And, goodness gracious, did she not get help from the writers. It's sort of impossible for rational people to view you favorably when your character does a whole lot of Rylee pimping on her first day back!

Bianca: That day was supposed to be special to all of us. And Ryan? His love changed you. I could finally see the woman hiding behind all that toughness.

Bianca: What happened to her, Ryan?
Ryan: I wish I knew.
Bianca: You still love her. I can see in your eyes.

Ugh, not to shoot the messenger or anything, but surely I can't be the only one who screamed, "DISGUST! GO BACK TO PARIS! HATE SPEECH!"

A Sad Day in Llanview

Well, the honeymoon's over.  The Boston marriage, the sisterhood, the love story of One Life to Live Spring 2010... it is no more.  Say good bye to Blea or Tair or Blatea or however you were combining their names in your hearts, because that little sismance is over.   Blair spilled the beans, eyes full of tears.  Todd now knows that OMG Tea is dying!  Let the torture begin.

Now, I'm on record as being a huge fan of Blair and a huge fan of both Blair's and Tea's portrayers (de Paiva guest-hosted The View this morning!  Lozano's new play is being produced in the fall!), and I think they've always been dynamite in scenes together.  And as utterly unrealistic as their recent friendship has been, I've loved every second of their cuddling and kindness.  I knew it was too good to last.  The feud will be back on, of course, because Blair "betrayed" Tea's confidence by telling Todd about Tea's tumor, and because (I am assuming, since I'm not new) this story will now become all about Todd and how wonderful and supportive and shockingly kind he will be for the Great Love of His Life, Tea, and how his long-lost daughter Dani will finally see that he's not truly the douche-y narcissistic criminal he behaves as every single day, and that creaking sound you hear is, you guessed it, the beginning of Todd Manning Redemption Arc #44623. 

I cannot freaking wait.

And to add insult to injury, Blair got to be Saint Blair and show nothing but sympathy and empathy and provide nothing but comfort to Todd, a man she should only ever look at or speak to because they share offspring.  Because Blair knows that Todd just loves Tea sooooo much and this will just crush him (not as much as if something bad happened to, you know, Todd, but it's still kinda sad for him, right?).  I don't mind Blair consciously choosing to be the bigger person -- she usually is in the long run after she's learned her usual "lesson" -- but to see her weeping for Todd and literally kneeling at his feet was simply more than I could take.

Just kill me now.

So now we will be re-introduced to Todd and Tea, the Greatest Love to Ever Love, the Love That Transcends Sociopathy, with Blair back to a supporting player in this story, cheering them on from the sidelines.   

That's all I got.  Destiny is so out!
 

What I Saw And How I Cried

When I turned on today's episode of General Hospital (Mistake #1), and, right of the bat, saw Michael and Jason in Pentonville, Sonny talking at Claire (I'd say "talking to Claire", but that implies that he was actually conversing with her and not just using her responses to his asinine statements as a chance for him to catch his breath and plan his next asinine statement, which is what was actually happening), Dante and Lulu, and Johnny and Kristina discussing Sonny, I responded with, if I do say so myself, an Olympic caliber eyeroll. Because REALLY. Most of these characters are logging their millionth consecutive episode (I'm estimating that and, if anything, rounding down) and in the rare moments when they aren't on-screen, they are a topic of conversation. I thought to myself, "This can't be ALL that happens this week, right?" (Mistake #2), and checked the DVR descriptions for the rest of the week (Mistake #3) and wept.

Tuesday: Jason makes a plea to the warden; Dante may have a gene for cheating; Jax may help Skye uncover her ex-husband's treasure

Wednesday: Dante may get Michael out of jail; Claire promises to take Franco down; Ethan agrees to be Johnny's right hand man

Thursday: Judge Carroll makes a decision about Michael; Claire visits Jason for information on Franco; Sonny sees Johnny and Kristina together

Friday: Sonny must stay away from Michael; Olivia and Johnny may break up; Dante and Lulu's sex life is put on hold

Do you know what this means? It means several things:

1.)  We are going to continue to hear certain lines of dialogue (Jason telling Michael this was not the kind of life he wanted for him, Sonny telling anyone who will listen that he's doing everything in his power to get Michael out of prison as if repeating it a hundred times is going to make it true, everyone in Port Charles, voices drenched in admiration, discussing what a wonderful man Jason is for sacrificing his freedom for Michael) so often that they are going to begin to worm their way into our dreams, if they haven't already.

2.) Writing posts is going to take much longer, since I'll be spending so much time thinking of new and creative ways to say things like, "Jason responded with a blank stare" and "Maurice Benard fumbled for the word 'the' and then still assed up the remainder of the line, trailing off making Nell-like sounds", since these things will be happening every single day indefinitely. Eventually, I think the episode descriptions are just going to start reading "Sonny Jason Michael Carly Sonny Jason Sonny Sonny Jason Jason Michael Carly Sonny Michael Jason Jason Carly Carly Jason Jason"!

3.) Bob Guza has turned General Hospital and, by extension, our lives into a horrifying, sadistic adaptation of Groundhog Day.

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...

...then comes Trevor in a baby carriage and then comes another wedding because All My Children was in serious need of a splashy ceremony and they can't help it that the only couples on this show worth rooting for are already married!

Jake and Amanda's re-wedding gave us something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue:

• Something old: Jake and Amanda's marriage license. Oh, aside from that? Rylee. The wedding gave us some shameless Rylee pimping and oh, goodness, is that old. And also horrifying. But more on that later.
• Something new: Pine Valley's Mayor Blanco is a new (and welcome!) presence in Pine Valley.



Okay, so she wasn't at the wedding, so using her as the new is probably cheating but do you know how hard it is to come up with something new at a wedding where the participants are already married?! Watching the Mayor coldly and calmly strike the fear of God into Natalia was a delight, especially since she asked the question we've all wondered about: "Does Chief Hubbard make it a habit of using this department to settle his personal scores?"

• Something borrowed: Liza Colby's wardrobe was most certainly on loan from the Carly Corinthos Jacks collection, no?



• Something blue: My face, as in, "I am blue in the face from the ranting and raving I have done in several venues about how uber-silly it is that the writers tried so hard to create dramatic tension in a situation where the worst case scenario would be that nothing would change!"

It also gave us an actor and actress who were quite obviously having a ball, which is always nice to see, and some pretty wedding fashion. Really, all the buildup this wedding needed was a scroll at the bottom of the screen saying, "Tune in for Jake and Amanda's wedding. People will look pretty! Well, Chrishell Stause will look pretty. And other people...well, other people will also be wearing clothes."

She is utterly lovely. Part of me wants to hate her, but the other part of me realizes that she's too damn adorable to hate.

Adorable is not the descriptor I would use for some of these other dresses. Aside from Liza's "Carly Corinthos Jack IS Sharon Stone in the Port Charles Dinner Theater's production of The Production of Casino" look, there was...there was a big question and that question is why the hell do you go out of your way to make Rebecca Budig look like this?!

That is what we call a curly-headed rat's nest. A...crispy curly-headed rat's nest, at that. I am perplexed that nobody thought, during the hours it must have taken to tease her hair into that position (I refuse to say that's a style), "Um, why are we making her hair wider than her body"?

Grudge Holding 101

If I had to sum General Hospital up with one word, that word would be hatred.

Surprisingly, the hatred I am referring to is not my own hatred of this show (mostly because, at this point, that just goes without saying), or Bob Guza's hatred of the audience (ibid) but, rather the hatred that fills all of the people in Port Charles. Everyone is embroiled in a blood feud with someone or something, for reasons valid or petty, to the point where misanthropy should have gotten first billing for the past couple of episodes.

LULU VS. SONNY

Lulu is an army of one, continuing to exhibit disdain and hatred for the man who shot an unarmed cop in the chest. It says so much about this show that there is only one person in all of Port Charles who still thinks that was a reprehensible act, and that the person doing the shooting of an unarmed cop is the show's romantic lead. Yes, indeed, it says so much...all of it curse words.

Sonny: It's amazing how committed you are to hating me. It must take a lot of energy.
Lulu: Actually, it's really easy. 'Cause all I have to do is look at the scar on Dante's chest from where you shot him.
Sonny: You know what, Lulu, I made a terrible mistake. Can't we just move on from there?

"Are you really still going on about this, Lulu? So I shot a cop. I apologized, once I found out he was my kid. Let's just let bygones be bygones okay? Geez Louise!"

Lulu: A mistake is forgetting to put the top on the toothpaste or forgetting someone's birthday. You shot your son in the chest.
Sonny: Ok, yeah.

"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds horrible, but it is what it is. Let's move past this. You're being unreasonable."

If I ever get hit in the head and experience amnesia (this is the second time that I have worried about this in as many weeks! I am more in fear of my clumsiness than I realized) and forget why I hate Sonny Corinthos, I am going to count on one of you to explain it to me, which I know sounds like it would be a really long conversation but, really, all you'd need to do is remind me of this conversation and it will jog my memory.

LULU VS. BROOK LYNN "THE HAPPY HOME MAKER" ASHTON

I find it hard to identify a part of this revenge story as the actual worst, but definitely in the top three is how quickly Lulu is falling into this poorly thought out and insulting trap! Don't get me wrong, I'd have also snapped at Brook by this point, but the endless Bensonhurst reminiscing would have been what pushed me over the edge, not...ironing.

Brook: Pushing it? Pushing what?
Lulu: Locking yourself out of the apartment, finding an excuse to show up naked on Dante's doorstep and that whole domestic goddess angle, cooking and cleaning and ironing and finding any excuse to show your happy home making skills. I'm sorry, I have to break it to you: it's not going to work. I'm with Dante. I'm not sharing.

Dante, of course, overheard this entire shrill and possessive exchange, so the story is all set up for Dante thinking Lulu is overreacting, and Lulu becoming more and more paranoid, and me getting tension headaches.

I'm Renewing My Vow of Irritation With This Show

I need someone to explain to me, in the simplest manner possible and, preferably, with monosyllabic words (in other words, please explain this to me as though I were Brian Frons), why on earth All My Children has chosen to focus the better part of this week on the shenanigans and intrigue leading up to the wedding of a couple who is already happily married.

It goes without saying that I love a good soap wedding, since they tend to involve all of the soapy things I hold dear: pretty (or decidedly unpretty, which is sometimes even better) frocks, cast integration, heartfelt vows and, often, a completely inappropriate outburst by a jilted lover/disapproving parent/random nefarious evildoer. Really, when they're done right, there is nothing better (even when the marriage doesn't actually happen!).

And I know that most soap weddings are preceded by all sorts of cliched misunderstandings or troubles, like missing rings, or nightmares about the future, or the bride or groom getting waylaid (figuratively or literally, wink wink nudge nudge) on the way to the wedding. These hijinks can either be entertaining or an obvious ploy by the writing staff to stretch a wedding story out until the end of the week and, well, it's completely obvious that the latter is true, in the case of Jake and Amanda's wedding, which is especially galling because, as I said italicized above and must now shout all caps lock-y, THEY ARE ALREADY HAPPILY MARRIED. So the seemingly endless airtime devoted to the groom getting arrested, and the massive search for a missing wedding ring, and the like is so irksome because the worst case scenario for all of this crap is that, oh, well, they don't have this party and it's okay BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY HAPPILY MARRIED, OH MY FREAKING GOODNESS.

I suppose it could be worse: this could all be about a couple that I don't like (I think Jake and Amanda are adorable under the best circumstances; at worst, I am annoyed by or indifferent to them, but it's not like I loathe and despise them like I do a certain couple that the show is trying to pimp so hard that I want to file a restraining order against them, yes, RYLEE, I am looking at you with fear and loathing in my eyes) and it could be taking away precious screentime from a story I actually care about and since AMC right now has none of those, that's not a problem. The problem is the endless, soul-sucking boring.

While I am asking questions that can best be answered with the phrase "Because these people are hopelessly inept", may I ask why the wardrobe department has such a horrible track record when it comes to dressing Jamie Luner in clothes manufactured this decade that actually flatter her?

Carly and Sonny Caught In "Actually Being Watchable" Shocker!

What I love most about Awesome Writer, besides the fact that his/her all too infrequent scenes are truly the only things on General Hospital that can be described as entertaining and soapy, is that he/she is always up for a challenge. OF COURSE the union of, say, Awesome Writer and Jane Elliot is going to leave us delirious with glee, especially when it leads to Tracy getting in some much-needed, truth-filled jabs. And when Awesome Writer, Jonathan Jackson and the now iconic phrase "rutting like farm animals" came together, the only question was how many times I'd watch it on YouTube (answer: lots). The inevitability of the awesomeness does not detract from the awesomeness, but still...inevitable.

Markedly less expected is a scene with Sonny and Carly, in which Carly thoughtfully, honestly and firmly explains to Sonny that, yes, he is abusive. For Carly to be at all tolerable was surprising enough, since the past few weeks have seen her in snarling, scheming monster mode, but yesterday, she gave me goosebumps.

Carly: Can't you--can't you still hear us? I mean, I can. I can hear the yelling, and things breaking. I can hear you calling me a faithless whore, screaming at the top of your lings that I'm worthless. I've never seen anyone get as angry as you, and your rage, Sonny. Your rage is overwhelming. You zero in on what's weak in someone and you hammer away. You dismantle it, piece by piece, and I look back and I'm horrified at myself. Horrified that I put up with it, that I rationalized it, and that I participated in it. But that was my illness. I stayed with you and I let it happen over and over again, the vicious cycle, and you know what, Sonny? It's called abuse.

Carly: You know what, Sonny? You asked me a question: did you abuse me? And I'm trying to answer you with my truth, and my reality, and you're discounting it because it's something you don't want to believe about yourself. You can abuse someone without lifting a finger. It's not just about bruises and scars.
Sonny: You're splitting hairs.
Carly: No, you're in denial. Think about Kristina: she's lied, she's talked back, she's behaved badly. Would you want Kristina to be with someone who treats her the way you treated me?

Laura Wright was as excellent as we've come to expect from her--I feel like I am always gushing about what a great actress she is and how adorable her hair is, like today's ponytail

and I hope it's not creepy, but I do think that she always knocks it out of the park, even when (especially when?) Carly is acting vile--AND Awesome Writer snuck in shoutouts to not one, but two of the most criticized aspects of Sonny's history: the "faithless whore" mantra, as noted above, and the time he, you know, shot his wife in the head while she was giving birth to their son.

Carly: I told [Kristina] that our relationship was dysfunctional, and volatile. That we genuinely loved each other, but we were toxic together. And that, no, you never hit me.
Sonny: Thank god for that.
Carly: I mean, you shot me in the head once, but accidents happen.

What CAN'T Awesome Writer do¹?

I absolutely loved slash loathed the face Sonny made when Carly reminded him of the time he shot her in the head while she was giving birth to their son.

It was like, "Really, will we never let go of this?" But even that was so in character that it did nothing to detract from how much I enjoyed these scenes.

¹Um, as it turns out, make Maurice Benard act. More on that in a bit.

At Laaaaaaaaaaaast...

Bo and Nora, after... 11 years?  12 years?  Finally got re-married!  And it was adorable.

I am only a viewer of ABC shows, so I can't speak for others, but one of the things I've always thought One Life to Live does better over the others is the comedic or dramatic "bits," the tiny moments of less-than-a-second detail.  The show is generally much sloppier than, say, General Hospital, but the "slicker" shows don't usually have what they'd consider throw-away details that really contribute to the overall texture.  The little fist-bump between Natalie and Brody while agreeing to keep their tryst between them. Jessica's and Natalie's facial expressions in the background while David was explaining his status as ordained minister.  David's obsession with dancing with Viki at the reception.  Eli's little chivalrous gesture to Blair after the "gun situation" settled at the beginning of the ceremony.  Shaun's little death glares to Darrin.  I'll give credit where it's due and this show excels at nuance.  Follow-through?  Logic?  Not so much.  But nuance they've got.

Now, down to business.  How does this woman keep getting hotter?

It's ridiculous.  And someone in town has certainly noticed!

What I wouldn't give to have a man look at me like that, just once.  I swoon!  And how nice of them to remember that Blair and Eli are actually a new and exciting couple on this show.

And we got a Kim mention!

While a million other couples are in the middle of reuniting, Clint reunited with his gun.  But this time it was to pay David back for running his wife Kim out of town -- they remembered!  He misses Kim!  He's not the only one.

The Happy Return...Or Is It?

I say the following with equal parts EXCITEMENT and DREAD and WONDER: Vanessa Marcil is returning to General Hospital in August.

EXCITEMENT because, as I have mentioned before, my love for Brenda Barrett is unparalleled. I'm talking hand-flailing love and adoration. She is my favorite General Hospital character of all time, and is responsible for some of my very favorite GH memories, from my favorite GH era. If you thought my near-hysterical fangirlishness for Jonathan Jackson's Lucky was bad, well, all I am going to say is that it's a good thing the internet wasn't around when I was in middle school, because...it would have been embarrassing to have the fawning my friends and I did in online archives for all eternity. So, really, there was never any chance that I'd be less than super giddy about this development. Brenda! Back in Port Charles! With a secret! A secret that I am guessing will be a secret child, which could be either...oh, who am I kidding, why I am even floating the idea that it could be good out into the world? Is it so that I will be able to look back at this post and laugh derisively at myself for being so foolish?

DREAD because this is still General Hospital as written by Bob Guza and produced by Jill Farren Phelps, which means that it makes me cry on a daily basis, and the tears are filled with rage and shame. Do I even want to see what kind of horrible stories they will saddle Brenda with this time around? Is there any way they will draw upon her history with Jax and Sonny without setting that history on fire in a horrifying, memory-ruining way? The answer to both of those questions is "no" and what's even worse is that I know that whatever demented idea I come up with for how they will try to ruin her will pale in comparison to the SHEER HORROR they will unleash, because even my most horrible and pessimistic of ideas cannot compete with the lunacy that happens behind-the-scenes at this show.

WONDER because...what will ABC Soaps In Depth put on its cover every week now?! For years, they have devoted a corner of their cover to wondering whether Vanessa Marcil will return or trying to mislead readers into thinking that she will return. I hope they can manage to keep going on!

The Call of the Wild

I am not exactly an outdoorsy person, and I am certainly not a woodsy person, and the thought of being in a plane crash and then being sick and stuck in a cabin with a possibly deranged/probably harboring a deep Pine Valley related secret/definitely grumpy man horrifies me on every level, but I have to admit that a small part of me is jealous of Erica being one with nature, mostly because she has no technology! No email, no texts, no All My Children!

Not like there is an All My Children on All My Children, although the very idea of that delights me so much that I am going to be hoping for a hilariously meta episode where all of the AMC characters watch AMC. I feel like David would deliver quips that would make him at home here at Serial Drama, and Ryan would Marvel at Ryan and ask, "Who is that handsome fellow?", like he's Pine Valley's answer to Gaston, but since this is something that would bring me joy, it will never happen.

The point is, I feel like not having access to television and computers would be a far handier explanation to give when people ask where the AMC posts are, especially compared to the real explanation, which is, "I can't even force myself to watch it because ohmigod borrrrrrrrrring".

Like, take this paragraph from soapoperadigest.com's recap of Friday's episode:

David went to check on Marissa. He warned her that JR was likely to stray again. JR arrived and when heated words were exchanged, Marissa threw David out. JR was grateful. Marissa asked him to prove to her that she and AJ come first in his life. Scott showed up to blast JR for the blog. Marissa made herself scarce and Scott accused JR of being jealous that Scott has Annie and the company and JR doesn't. Marissa and Annie had words in the hall. Annie told Marissa that she pities her because JR is still obsessed with her.

Wow, David and JR don't get along? I hadn't picked up on that in any of the scenes in which that fact was made explicit over the last half decade. And how about that love quadrangle, featuring the blandest, most unappealing character in all of soaps and three interesting characters doomed to reciting the same tired lines for weeks at a time?! This is one episode that won't get deleted from my DVR!

...because I haven't finished it yet.