The 2010 Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza
Becca: Eeeeee, starting!
Mallory: Eeee! "A CBS Special Presentation" makes it seem so classy.
Becca: "Special" could mean many things. And "With Frankie Avalon"?! What? Have I time-traveled?
Mallory: I am either too young or too old to appreciate the relevance of most of these people.
Becca: Or perhaps too "having a life"?
Becca: For real, David Copperfield is opening the show? Because he was last relevant when Frankie Avalon was on the charts?
Mallory: What is going on right now, seriously?
Becca: That magic act was insane, but they just showed James Scott looking gorgeous, so I'm OK.
Mallory: I just Wiki'd Copperfield to see how old he was, and they claim that he is "best known for his combination of storytelling and illusion"
Mallory: I'd argue that he's best known for cheese and dating Claudia Schiffer. Neither are accomplishments to be proud of
Becca: Dating Schiffer, most definitely
Becca: OMG, Reg did not just make fun of La Lucci!
Mallory: Ohhh, awkward
Becca: and then called her fat?!
Mallory: Ronn Moss's formal scarf/mullet comination is amazing.
Becca: It so is. Not amazing is this monologue. It's like the worst 70s talk-show one-liners all combined into a rant.
Becca: Okay, Don Rickles? What is the target age of this broadcast? I feel like I'm not wearing enough support hose to watch. (I mean, I'm wearing SOME, obviously.)
Mallory: Well, it IS CBS
Becca: Good point. Kelly Monaco's dress is pretty, I think, but my god she is shiny
Mallory: I love Jonathan Jackson, in case you'd forgotten
Becca: You're very quiet about it, but I think I recall that from waaaay back. Oh! Yay, Julie Pinson! Go, her! And she looks fabulous!
Mallory: Julie Pinson is amazing and gorgeous, and all sorts of good things
Becca: She really is. I loved her "oh my GOD!" at the end.
Mallory: Ryan Seacrest is taking over all media, isn't he?
Becca: Unfortunately, yes. I fear he will soon start writing chick lit and then I will truly be unable to escape him.
Becca: The Spinners?! I swear, my grandmother would think this lineup is a little dated.
Mallory: WHAT YEAR IS IT?
Becca: I can't remember, because Seacrest's spray-tan has poisoned my brain.
Mallory: Donny and Maire. This is not okay
Mallory: Um, all of the above
Becca: That is the obvious and correct answer.....Tony Orlando? My god.
Mallory: I don't even know who that is
Becca: Aw, you're so under 30!
Mallory: This is so budget.
Becca: Is Chubby Checker wearing a leisure suit? And did he just feel up Susan Lucci?
Mallory: People make fun of daytime, and then the Daytime Emmys trots out a group of has-beens and never-weres. No wonder we get no respect!
Becca: The bright side is that I was having technical troubles like whoa with posting the live chat, but this 7-hour Bandstand and Dick Clark tribute provided excellent cover.
Mallory: A Rachael Ray "cooks" joke. How...hilarious? And "The Lion King"? Really, we are doing the time warp. But on the plus side, if we time warp back far enough, soaps will be good again
Becca: I was distracted by how once again terribly Rachael was dressed so I missed the relevance of a performance from a 15-year-old Broadway musical for children. Can you help?
Mallory: There are no answers here, except that anything related to soaps these days is...wrong on every level
Becca: Hey wait, it's a soap-related award! And your true love JJ is nominated!....but lost.
Becca: True. And you said he deserved it, right?
Mallory: He is super talented.
Mallory: I occasionally watch The Doctors when I am at the gym, and I think all of them irrationally annoy me
Becca: This is my first exposure to them and they worry me, quite extensively for a variety of reasons, not limited to their inability to read teleprompters
Becca: Coming up, Blue Man Group presents Best Talk Show? That is word soup, right there.
Mallory: Really, how far back into pop culture history are they planning to go?
Mallory: And unless Tobias Funke is involved, I want no part of the Blue Man Group
Becca: I wish I watched Arrested Development
Mallory: You should. It is seriously genius.
Mallory: I have utter disdain for Alex Trebek.
Becca: He is a condescending prick.
Becca: Oops, I mean television legend
Becca: And Regis, by the way, is surprisingly terrible at this hosting gig.
Mallory: Because he doesn't have Kelly being ADORABLE to make things better with her ADORABILITY.
Becca: That is an excellent observation.
Mallory: "These are performers like nothing you've seen before"...Alex, we are not in the late 90s anymore. We have seen this.
Becca: Everyone has seen Blue Man Group, including prisoners serving life without parole, and people in Alaska.
Mallory: People are actively trying to get soaps canceled, aren't they? Because there is no other explanation for whatever the hell this is. Honoring daytime, puh-lease.
Becca: Yes -- the people running them. I thought we'd agreed on this and had resigned ourselves to one day blogging about just talk shows and James Scott's bone structure?
Mallory: This guy is a complete tool, by the way.
Becca: Which one? This is an award show broadcast -- you have to be more specific!
Mallory: I can't believe even the Daytime Emmys are pimping Ryan and Greenlee.
Becca: Drew Garrett was robbed!
Mallory: Oh, wow, I thought Drew Garrett had this in the bag.
Mallory: I was so looking forward to the awkwardness that would happen during his acceptance speech.
Becca: I mean, maybe not robbed, since I've never seen this guy on B&B, but I really wanted to see that speech too!
Mallory: This kid looks like Robert Pattinson, if he washed his hair and was a 70s lounge singer.
Becca: Ha! For that, given the current teen craze, he should be "thankful to [his] lord and savior Jesus Christ" for THAT.
Mallory: Kelley Menighan Hensley looks like a Barbie with this dress. I mean, yes, she'd be my favorite of all of my Barbies as a child, but I'm just saying
Becca: She does -- I think it's the possible doll hair.
Becca: So Bandstand gets 18 minutes and ATWT gets one?
Mallory: It's sad, isn't it?
Mallory: Markedly less sad is Chrishell Stause's hotness. Nuclear hot!
Becca: Plus she used to sleep with your man Mr. Schu!
Mallory: Some people have all the luck.
Becca: And genetic perfection.
Mallory: Sharon Case's hair: WHY? Why are you that way?
Becca: It's just to piss you off at this point.
Mallory: And is she drunk? Not that I'd blame her if she were.
Becca: Yay, ELLEN! Thank god, we got through a Daytime Emmys without Tyra Banks winning anything.
Mallory: This is all seriously rushed and poorly produced. I'm not surprised, or anything, but...yikes.
Becca: It really is horrendous.
Becca: Who are these overacting Massey idiots? I feel so old.
Mallory: The Emmys need to stop trying to make these two happen. They are on, like, every year and I am not sure why.
Mallory: Also, stop hitting on people, child.
Mallory: Two in a row for Julie Berman!
Mallory: Her hair is better than her last win.
Becca: Yay, for her winning! Boo, for that dress. What is the Judy Jetson thing at the midsection?
Becca: Love her earrings, though
Mallory: From the neck up, she looks divine.
Mallory: Another commercial?
Becca: How did they find this many sponsors willing to advertise on such a shitty show? And why are 2/3 of the commercials for Feed the Children?
Mallory: Even with our technical problems before, we are still having a smoother broadcast than CBS, incidentally.
Becca: So true. And one of our blog sponsors is not the crazy dude who runs the NRA, so there's that. (Seriously, even the commercial for this Safe book scares me.)
Mallory: Regis is terrible at scripted banter. Although he's downright terrifying when he goes off-script, so I don't know what I want.
Becca: Ha! Even the producers hated Regis and Susan Lucci's "banter." Reg's expression when they got cut off to commercial was brill.
Becca: Didn't you say he went off-script and veered towards pedophilia a few weeks ago?
Mallory: Yes. He was incredibly interested in the Angelina Jolie like lips of Kelly Ripa's son. She just "Oh, Reege!"ed him, but I was uncomfortable for hours.
Becca: Hee! Traumatizing.
Becca: Speaking of which: Wayne Brady.
Mallory: He does get bonus points for his role on How I Met Your Mother, but everything, ever, in the world loses points for this Cirque de Soleil thing.
Becca: For real.
Mallory: How many times do I have to ask what year it is? Do I have a concussion?
Becca: It's a collective one if so.
Becca: I really don't understand tying in Vegas to the entire show. Like, they didn't have the presenters wear foam Statue of Liberty hats when they were in New York
Mallory: Sharon Case had to drunkenly spit out her lines in sixty seconds, and we have to watch this go on endlessly. Confusion and irritation doesn't begin to cover it.
Mallory: Wayne Brady is (rightfully) ashamed.
Mallory: A GH directing win means that we're leading up to a GH outstanding show win, doesn't it?
Becca: Don't be mean to me only halfway through the show. I can only live with this win if it means they don't win anything that actually matters to viewers.
Mallory: A tour of the Hilton? Seriously, this is just weird.
Mallory: I am totally peeved on behalf of ATWT!
Becca: Is this the only way they got a real network to air this catastrophe? Basically an agreement to be a two-hour infomercial for the cheesiest city on earth?
Mallory: And the overacting Masseys again. My head hurts.
Mallory: Everything about Ronn Moss delights me. The scarf! The hair! Those glasses! I want to spend the day with him just giggling.
Becca: Ha! They should auction that opportunity off to pay for next year's show.
Mallory: If I spent $10 on that, I'd exceed the budget of this year's ceremony.
Mallory: I should have probably put ceremony in sarcastic airquotes.
Becca: Yes, because putting this in the same category as my 1979 kindergarten graduation is really an insult. I'm glad I didn't have to have a serious talk with you about that.
Mallory: Even Ronn Moss's interview with the camera is melodramatic and amazing!
Becca: I think it is his only setting.
Becca: Why does Kelly Monaco always say "fahmilies" like that? Is that an accent or an affect? I like that we have time to discuss this during this insanely long Daytime Gives Back segment.
Mallory: I can't imagine what kind of accent it would be. I find it sort of adorable, though. Maybe everyone thought it was cute and never bothered to correct her on the actual pronunciation?
Becca: Maybe. It is fairly endearing.
Mallory: Have we ever discussed why Halle Berry needs a perfume?
Becca: We have not!
Mallory: I'd rather talk about this than the show when it comes back, so please feel free to have a lengthy answer
Becca: Perhaps it is to recover from her breakup with that gorgeous Canadian dreamboat?
Becca: We could talk at length about how hot he is. Will that work?
Mallory: It will.
Mallory: Susan Lucci's hair is relatively subdued!
Becca: It is! However, she is talking about AMC's 30th anniversary like it's the latest of many to come. Has nobody told her how awful her show is now? How embarrassing!
Mallory: I think she knows (how could she not?), but she is smiling through the pain.
Mallory: I adore Agnes Nixon, and am happy that the show is sparing a minute or two to properly recognize her achievements.
Becca: They are honoring a woman who shaped and championed daytime drama, though -- that is so out of place this evening. Oops!
Mallory: It's so sad to listen to people talk about how great her work is and then think about what All My Children has become.
Becca: I feel bad for everyone who still watches, and especially for you to have to blog about it.
Mallory: They are both so tiny!
Becca: They are like the Glamour Gals I had as a child!
Mallory: Okay, there is only half an hour left. How bad do we think the last 30 minutes will be?
Mallory: As if on cue, the show brings us Cheech and Chong. FML.
Becca: This helps explain a few things though -- the producers are obviously stoners, and therefore turned all decisions over to their grandparents.
Mallory: Their lame grandparents--I mean, I know my grandparents could pull off something cooler. Or as cool as something can be when it is related to soaps and daytime talk shows. But you know what I mean.
Becca: That's true. This is terrible even for lame grandparents (which, let's face it, many people have -- no need to always BS around with the "respect your elders" thing).
Mallory: Carnie Wilson has a show?!
Becca: I don't know what is more shocking, that fact, or the hideousness of the lavender prom dress that chick who just presented the award to Cash Cab is wearing.
Mallory: Cash Cab is giving a very long acceptance speech, no?
Becca: Yes. Though he seemed genuinely pleased.
Mallory: And Wayne Brady is clapping either enthusiastically or angrily.
Becca: He may still be enthusiastically angry about that whole Cirque de Soleil debacle.
Becca: Lousie Sorel looks MUCH better here than she does on Days. She should have a serious word with the stylists there. She wears heinous wigs that distract me even in scenes with Lauren Koslow, who has bright indigo highlights.
Mallory: Even when Days does most things right, they manage to ass things up somewhere
Mallory: B, if Charles Pratt wins this Emmy, I will not be held responsible for my actions.
Becca: Woooo! Neither Pratt nor Guza are victorious! Good triumphs over evil!
Mallory: Thank you Jason Morgan for granting my wish!
Mallory: The announcer is speed talking like he's doing the voiceover in a Micro Machine commercial.
Becca: Ha! It's because the Bandstand tribute and Vegas numbers have them a good half-hour behind.
Becca: Oh god, Jeff Foxworthy doing "You might be a talk show host if..." is just ten steps past awful.
Becca: Dr. Oz had the good sense not to show up to this amateur hour to accept his award. That's why he makes the big bucks.
Mallory: Who is this Kira Reed person backstage?
Mallory: According to Wikipedia, she's a sex symbol. O..kay.
Becca: I have no idea who she is, but somehow we've sunk even lower than the backstage KMart blue light room from a few years back.
Mallory: Regis is cracking himself up with his horrible canned jokes. I find myself torn between annoyance and embarrassment.
Becca: I'm angry at the awfulness. So we have a range of emotions.
Mallory: Vanessa Marcil!!!
Becca: She looks great, but oh my, that's a LOT of body glitter. And does she have a new last name, or was that Reg just being, you know, his age?
Mallory: Oh, Peter Bergman, you so dreamy.
Becca: Peter Bergman and James Scott in the same category. This must have been so difficult for you.
Mallory: Well, the fact that Michael Park is apparently talented makes it a little bit better, although the awkward sex joke isn't helping his case
Becca: He seemed to be begging for a new job there at the end, which was a bit off-putting.
Mallory: I can't believe how fast all of these people are talking. But at least we got to see Erik Estrada multiple times!
Becca: No Daytime Emmys is complete without Erik Estrada, Mal.
Becca: Maura West looks absolutely spectacular. How nice for the ATWT folks to have these wins.
Mallory: Maura West's win proves my theory that televised interventions are the greatest ever.
Mallory: And I am a long-time fan of her fashion sense.
Becca: But damn, she's shiny too. I'm going to blame all of this on shitty lighting, because that is consistent with the other production values this evening.
Mallory: I am so peeved that we can hardly see what people are wearing!
Mallory: You know some of them fugged it up hardcore, but the camera hasn't panned anywhere except to 70s television stars and recording artists.
Becca: Obviously we need to scour the internet for photos with which to embarrass people.
Mallory: Okay, Outstanding Daytime Drama: GH winning would fit in with the rest of this telecast, so I am just bracing myself now.
Becca: I cannot prepare myself for that eventuality. I don't have the mental capacity.
Mallory: Susan Lucci is getting a lot of face time tonight, which is nice, since she's actually on a soap and all.
Mallory: I am glad that at least this category is giving us clips of the nominees! I LOVE the overwrought, out of context clips
Becca: Yes, but OMG, Betty White's character died on B&B?! I would have lost it.
Mallory: THANK GOODNESS B&B wins.
Becca: THANK JAMES SCOTT, JASON THOMPSON, CHOCOLATE, AND EVERYTHING ELSE GOOD IN THE WORLD.
Mallory: I would have actually punched myself if the others had taken it. Lightly, and probably just in the leg, but I would have, seriously.
Becca: You bruise easily, remember.
Mallory: It would have been embarrassing to explain to people.
Becca: Ha, Reg's open mike is hilar. "Oh god, don't let them come this way." Yes, Reg, those soap people have cooties. The show tonight demonstrated that opinion repeatedly!
Becca: Tune in next year, for more open loathing of the genre that led to this telecast's creation!
Mallory: I don't get it, did they just find out, like, this morning that they'd be broadcasting the Emmys?
Becca: It appears so. You'd think they would get more of a heads up, but then among the people involved are the ones who bring us GH and AMC every day, so why are we surprised?
Mallory: I have so many questions. There are no answers to these questions, so I won't bother asking them, but...so many questions.
Mallory: Way to make the CW look like a legitimate network, CBS!