The Call of the Wild
I am not exactly an outdoorsy person, and I am certainly not a woodsy person, and the thought of being in a plane crash and then being sick and stuck in a cabin with a possibly deranged/probably harboring a deep Pine Valley related secret/definitely grumpy man horrifies me on every level, but I have to admit that a small part of me is jealous of Erica being one with nature, mostly because she has no technology! No email, no texts, no All My Children!
Not like there is an All My Children on All My Children, although the very idea of that delights me so much that I am going to be hoping for a hilariously meta episode where all of the AMC characters watch AMC. I feel like David would deliver quips that would make him at home here at Serial Drama, and Ryan would Marvel at Ryan and ask, "Who is that handsome fellow?", like he's Pine Valley's answer to Gaston, but since this is something that would bring me joy, it will never happen.
The point is, I feel like not having access to television and computers would be a far handier explanation to give when people ask where the AMC posts are, especially compared to the real explanation, which is, "I can't even force myself to watch it because ohmigod borrrrrrrrrring".
Like, take this paragraph from soapoperadigest.com's recap of Friday's episode:
David went to check on Marissa. He warned her that JR was likely to stray again. JR arrived and when heated words were exchanged, Marissa threw David out. JR was grateful. Marissa asked him to prove to her that she and AJ come first in his life. Scott showed up to blast JR for the blog. Marissa made herself scarce and Scott accused JR of being jealous that Scott has Annie and the company and JR doesn't. Marissa and Annie had words in the hall. Annie told Marissa that she pities her because JR is still obsessed with her.
Wow, David and JR don't get along? I hadn't picked up on that in any of the scenes in which that fact was made explicit over the last half decade. And how about that love quadrangle, featuring the blandest, most unappealing character in all of soaps and three interesting characters doomed to reciting the same tired lines for weeks at a time?! This is one episode that won't get deleted from my DVR!
...because I haven't finished it yet.
Below are random observations from this week's AMC, in list-form, because I am so bored that it has deprived me from my ability to come up with a clever framing device, or at least the ability to write in full paragraphs!
- I find Stephanie Gatschet to be adorable and talented, and while Madison's redemption has been a poorly plotted mess, I am not at all opposed to her sticking around Pine Valley. I AM opposed to her being saddled with Ryan Lavery and going all flail-y crazy over him. It's insulting! To her and to me, personally. Unless this is all an elaborate setup for her next story being a long stay in Oakhaven...
Ryan: Yeah. Usually after the whole "I'm not looking for a relationship" talk, women delete me pretty quickly after that speech, so --
Madison: Well, I meant what I said about my baggage, too. I have been a disaster with relationships. Look, the last thing I want is to get all serious and complicated with somebody.
Ryan: Hmm. So you're cool with casual?
Madison: Cool? I'm way cool. I'm cooler than cool. I'm the coolest -- except that probably sounded very uncool.
Yes, Madison, it did. As Joey Tribbiani once opined, "You can't say you're breezy, that totally negates the breezy". And even more uncool than your constant declarations of being cool is the fact that you are trying so hard to be cool about a casual relationship with Ryan "Ew, Vomit, Eyeroll, HATE" Lavery. Because (a) ew and (b) it seems like even the most serious of Ryan's relationships are casual, in that they end as soon as another pretty young thing turns his eye, so what does it mean when he is stating that a relationship is casual at the outset? That he's not going to even bother getting off the phone when they have sex?
And also, "women delete me pretty quickly after that speech"? Oh, Ryan, if it were only possible to delete you from MY LIFE.
- How hilarious (-ly douchey) was it when Ryan witnessed Greenlee and David's tiff and immediately called Jesse?
Ryan: Listen, David and Greenlee just totally got into it over here, and she is not very happy and headed to Fusion. Maybe you ought to head over there and find out what's going on.
What a Nosy Parker! The only way that could be more gossipy and immature is if he posted it as a Facebook status. "OMG @Jesse Hubbard: Greenlee and David totally had a fight. She's not very happy! Go see what's up???"
(Although if that were an actual Ryan Lavery Facebook status, it would probably have no capitalization and many more random punctuation marks)
Caleb: All your husbands? How many husbands have you had?
Caleb: 10? Who the hell gets married 10 times?
I'm always amused when people on soaps comment on soapy occurrences. And later...
Caleb: Hmm. 10 marriages -- whoo. That must mean that you have, what, 30 kids?
Erica: I have two beautiful daughters. My daughter Bianca is in Paris. She lives there. And Kendall is in Spain.
I mean, it would have been a bit of a downer to talk about her dead/once aborted son, and Caleb would have been even more disdainful of her if she started going on about Josh's grotesque origin story, buuuut: who do I have to bribe to get a Josh mention on this show?! Even if it is a brief allusion to the fact that Kendall now has his heart. I care about this way more than anyone else, including Colin Egglesfield, who is laughing all the way to the bank post-AMC and currently filming Something Borrowed, a film adaptation of the chick-lit book of the same name which I will never, ever see because I am severely allergic to Kate Hudson's punchable face.
- However, I don't get the Caleb story. He wants her gone, except for the times when he makes sure there is no way she can leave. I am sure there will be an upcoming shocking reveal, but for now...zzzz.
- I am far more interesting than Marissa, and just to show you how sad that is, this is what I did this morning: had the same coffee/berry English muffin combination that I have every morning; made my bed; went to the gym; took a shower; had another coffee like I do every morning; did a load of laundry; folded a load of laundry; checked the mail; made the day's most difficult decision: do I read Us Weekly now, or wait until the afternoon? I chose afternoon, BTW. They could replace her with an actual block of wood and I'd be fine with it--nay, I'd love it, and I'd constantly post things like, "How adorable did Block of Wood look today in that cardigan?" and "Adam Mayfield and Block of Wood have AMAZING chemistry".
- The blog story? See above re: Zzzzzz. Jacob Young, Adam Mayfield and Melissa Claire Egan deserve better material than this, although I suppose they might enjoy not having to learn new lines, since all they do is say the same things over and over. It might be a nice little vacation for them!
- Remind me: am I supposed to hate Liza? Because I DON'T. I keep feeling like the show wants us to be horrified by her meddling and see her as a harridan, but my feelings for Liza have never been more positive! Because, and I know we have discussed this before, Damon is terrible, and Liza is the only person willing to recognize that and shout it from the rooftops. I loved when she was trying to get him to realize that he's awful for Colby, and asked him what he even knows about her, and Damon's reaction was "Der?" Well, not really; his actual answer was similarly dumb, but also skeevy!
Liza: You don't even know her.
Damon: What are you talking about?
Liza: Tell me about my daughter, Damon. Aside from the fact that she's beautiful and rich and she has blond hair. Who is she, huh? Winter or summer? Italian food or Chinese? What makes her laugh? What makes her cry? You don't know anything about her. You don't know what she likes.
Damon: Me, all right? She likes me. Maybe I don't know everything about her, but I have time to learn.
And when he follows that up by saying to Colby, "I mean, you look good in everything. Probably look good in nothing, too", are we supposed to think, "How can Liza be so mean to this charming boy?!" There is a difference between flirtatious and sketchy.
- And, really, am I not supposed to be sympathetic to a woman who says:
Liza: I think that Jake and Amanda could possibly be the two most annoying people I've ever met.
- Although, to be fair to Jake, he was responsible for the guffaw of the week.
Jake: Can you please go by Krystal's? You know, she bought BJ's. It's not called "Krystal's BJ's."
If we can't get Krystal written off the show for good in a way that will make it impossible for her to ever return, I suppose I will settle for characters alluding to the fact that she's a skank.
- Oh, Greenlee. I would have thought that someone with your scheming background wouldn't be so transparent with your guilt!
"There's nothing to talk about. I don't know anything. I swear, I don't! I don't know! Plane crash!" I mean, for the love of! And then to follow up with a lame, "I have to go"? Greenlee Smythe, you disappoint me.
Ryan: Hey, if you ever need to talk about anything about, um -- you, Erica, David.
Greenlee: There's nothing to talk about. I don't know anything.
Ryan: You don't know anything about what?
Greenlee: I have to go.