What I Saw And How I Cried
When I turned on today's episode of General Hospital (Mistake #1), and, right of the bat, saw Michael and Jason in Pentonville, Sonny talking at Claire (I'd say "talking to Claire", but that implies that he was actually conversing with her and not just using her responses to his asinine statements as a chance for him to catch his breath and plan his next asinine statement, which is what was actually happening), Dante and Lulu, and Johnny and Kristina discussing Sonny, I responded with, if I do say so myself, an Olympic caliber eyeroll. Because REALLY. Most of these characters are logging their millionth consecutive episode (I'm estimating that and, if anything, rounding down) and in the rare moments when they aren't on-screen, they are a topic of conversation. I thought to myself, "This can't be ALL that happens this week, right?" (Mistake #2), and checked the DVR descriptions for the rest of the week (Mistake #3) and wept.
Tuesday: Jason makes a plea to the warden; Dante may have a gene for cheating; Jax may help Skye uncover her ex-husband's treasure
Wednesday: Dante may get Michael out of jail; Claire promises to take Franco down; Ethan agrees to be Johnny's right hand man
Thursday: Judge Carroll makes a decision about Michael; Claire visits Jason for information on Franco; Sonny sees Johnny and Kristina together
Friday: Sonny must stay away from Michael; Olivia and Johnny may break up; Dante and Lulu's sex life is put on hold
Do you know what this means? It means several things:
1.) We are going to continue to hear certain lines of dialogue (Jason telling Michael this was not the kind of life he wanted for him, Sonny telling anyone who will listen that he's doing everything in his power to get Michael out of prison as if repeating it a hundred times is going to make it true, everyone in Port Charles, voices drenched in admiration, discussing what a wonderful man Jason is for sacrificing his freedom for Michael) so often that they are going to begin to worm their way into our dreams, if they haven't already.
2.) Writing posts is going to take much longer, since I'll be spending so much time thinking of new and creative ways to say things like, "Jason responded with a blank stare" and "Maurice Benard fumbled for the word 'the' and then still assed up the remainder of the line, trailing off making Nell-like sounds", since these things will be happening every single day indefinitely. Eventually, I think the episode descriptions are just going to start reading "Sonny Jason Michael Carly Sonny Jason Sonny Sonny Jason Jason Michael Carly Sonny Michael Jason Jason Carly Carly Jason Jason"!
3.) Bob Guza has turned General Hospital and, by extension, our lives into a horrifying, sadistic adaptation of Groundhog Day.
If you look past the Jason/Sonny/Carly/Michael parts of the episode, which I am going to do now and pretend like I am boycotting ("That'll show them. I don't know how it will show them BUT IT WILL") but, really, it's because I am rationing my Jason/Sonny/Carly/Michael jokes to be used over the course of the week, a couple of interesting things did happen today. And when I say a couple, I mean that literally two noteworthy things went on over the course of an hour.
For starters, Patrick and Carly had a conversation about Robin and Lisa. It was as though Patrick thought to himself, "What would be more inappropriate than being jealous of my ex's new relationship? Oh, I know, verbalizing the jealousy to the woman who irrationally hates my wife. Let me go ahead and do that."
Carly: So, when does she come back from Africa?
Patrick: She says she's gonna be back for Father's Day.
Carly: Wow. That's dense for even Robin.
Carly: Yeah. That she'd pick right now to take herself out of the picture. While miss Lisa Niles is slinking around. I mean, that lady totally has the hots for you.
Patrick: Hmm. You saw that, too.
Carly: She might as well be wearing a sandwich sign.
Patrick: That'd be something to see.
Carly: Yeah. And I'm guessing you're picturing her nude underneath?
To his credit, Patrick eventually realized that this was not a conversation he should be having (although it took him quite a while to have that epiphany and, once again, I find myself astounded that he is allowed to perform surgery on people's brains) and vowed to Carly that he'd never cheat on Robin, either to save face and not come across as a total skeeze or because the writers just learned the meaning of the word "foreshadowing".
Elsewhere, the most pointless kidnapping in the history of soaps is over, and Nikolas freed Luke and Tracy, and I did not care about any of this at all. What I DID care about was Lucky reminding Nikolas of the pain and damage that Helena has caused.
Lucky: Well, I didn't. I was just going about my life. It was a good life, by the way. Then Helena took me out of it one day and made everyone think I was dead. She locked me up and messed with my head and my soul. She tried to break me down into something that she could control and then she sent me back to the people who loved me the most like a ticking time bomb.
Nikolas: I know that.
Lucky: There are pieces of me I never got back. And all this time, since your affair with Elizabeth blew up in our faces, did you ever ask yourself why I held on to her so tightly? Why I tried so hard to recreate a time when the love that we shared was real and pure, unmauled by someone who's as cruel and sadistic as Helena? It's because Elizabeth represented everything that was taken from me. And our past was the only thing that kept me grounded in our present. And then you came along... and you ruined it without a thought, other than your own self-gratification. So tell me, how can I look at you, knowing all of that... and not see an enemy?
Can I just say that I'm so glad we are back to recognizing that what Helena did to Lucky was horrible and not, you know, a hilarious scheme?
Sometimes, I feel like Jonathan Jackson is on an entirely different show. He, like...makes an effort. And you can tell that he seriously thinks about what Lucky would say or do in response to certain situations, and his facial expressions convey numerous emotions, not confusion or apathy. I wish it would shame his co-stars into showing up for work every once in a while!
Yeah, that's the face of an engaged scene partner!
Although, to be fair to Tyler Christopher, his boredom with this story/the show/the items on the to-do list he's so obviously recapping in his mind instead of thinking about his scenes, isn't the only problematic part of all of this; there's also the fact that Nikolas is being written as a complete dick.
Nikolas: What Helena did to you was terrible, ok? But, Lucky, it wasn't about me or because of me. You just got caught up in the Cassadine/Spencer war machine, that's all. But if you're hell-bent to make me the enemy, it's because you want me to be. Yeah, you're using what happened to Luke and Tracy as an excuse because you'd rather hate me than believe that Elizabeth and I actually chose to be together.
"Oh my god, Lucky. I know you just unburdened your soul to me and all that but come the hell on, why are you still so bitter about all of this? It's not like we're brothers or anything..."