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« First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage... | Main | A Sad Day in Llanview »

June 14, 2010

What I Saw And How I Cried

When I turned on today's episode of General Hospital (Mistake #1), and, right of the bat, saw Michael and Jason in Pentonville, Sonny talking at Claire (I'd say "talking to Claire", but that implies that he was actually conversing with her and not just using her responses to his asinine statements as a chance for him to catch his breath and plan his next asinine statement, which is what was actually happening), Dante and Lulu, and Johnny and Kristina discussing Sonny, I responded with, if I do say so myself, an Olympic caliber eyeroll. Because REALLY. Most of these characters are logging their millionth consecutive episode (I'm estimating that and, if anything, rounding down) and in the rare moments when they aren't on-screen, they are a topic of conversation. I thought to myself, "This can't be ALL that happens this week, right?" (Mistake #2), and checked the DVR descriptions for the rest of the week (Mistake #3) and wept.

Tuesday: Jason makes a plea to the warden; Dante may have a gene for cheating; Jax may help Skye uncover her ex-husband's treasure

Wednesday: Dante may get Michael out of jail; Claire promises to take Franco down; Ethan agrees to be Johnny's right hand man

Thursday: Judge Carroll makes a decision about Michael; Claire visits Jason for information on Franco; Sonny sees Johnny and Kristina together

Friday: Sonny must stay away from Michael; Olivia and Johnny may break up; Dante and Lulu's sex life is put on hold

Do you know what this means? It means several things:

1.)  We are going to continue to hear certain lines of dialogue (Jason telling Michael this was not the kind of life he wanted for him, Sonny telling anyone who will listen that he's doing everything in his power to get Michael out of prison as if repeating it a hundred times is going to make it true, everyone in Port Charles, voices drenched in admiration, discussing what a wonderful man Jason is for sacrificing his freedom for Michael) so often that they are going to begin to worm their way into our dreams, if they haven't already.

2.) Writing posts is going to take much longer, since I'll be spending so much time thinking of new and creative ways to say things like, "Jason responded with a blank stare" and "Maurice Benard fumbled for the word 'the' and then still assed up the remainder of the line, trailing off making Nell-like sounds", since these things will be happening every single day indefinitely. Eventually, I think the episode descriptions are just going to start reading "Sonny Jason Michael Carly Sonny Jason Sonny Sonny Jason Jason Michael Carly Sonny Michael Jason Jason Carly Carly Jason Jason"!

3.) Bob Guza has turned General Hospital and, by extension, our lives into a horrifying, sadistic adaptation of Groundhog Day.

If you look past the Jason/Sonny/Carly/Michael parts of the episode, which I am going to do now and pretend like I am boycotting ("That'll show them. I don't know how it will show them BUT IT WILL") but, really, it's because I am rationing my Jason/Sonny/Carly/Michael jokes to be used over the course of the week, a couple of interesting things did happen today. And when I say a couple, I mean that literally two noteworthy things went on over the course of an hour.

For starters, Patrick and Carly had a conversation about Robin and Lisa. It was as though Patrick thought to himself, "What would be more inappropriate than being jealous of my ex's new relationship? Oh, I know, verbalizing the jealousy to the woman who irrationally hates my wife. Let me go ahead and do that."

Carly: So, when does she come back from Africa?

Patrick: She says she's gonna be back for Father's Day.

Carly: Wow. That's dense for even Robin.

Patrick: Dense?

Carly: Yeah. That she'd pick right now to take herself out of the picture. While miss Lisa Niles is slinking around. I mean, that lady totally has the hots for you.

Patrick: Hmm. You saw that, too.

Carly: She might as well be wearing a sandwich sign.

Patrick: That'd be something to see.

Carly: Yeah. And I'm guessing you're picturing her nude underneath?

To his credit, Patrick eventually realized that this was not a conversation he should be having (although it took him quite a while to have that epiphany and, once again, I find myself astounded that he is allowed to perform surgery on people's brains) and vowed to Carly that he'd never cheat on Robin, either to save face and not come across as a total skeeze or because the writers just learned the meaning of the word "foreshadowing".

Elsewhere, the most pointless kidnapping in the history of soaps is over, and Nikolas freed Luke and Tracy, and I did not care about any of this at all. What I DID care about was Lucky reminding Nikolas of the pain and damage that Helena has caused.

Lucky: Well, I didn't. I was just going about my life. It was a good life, by the way. Then Helena took me out of it one day and made everyone think I was dead. She locked me up and messed with my head and my soul. She tried to break me down into something that she could control and then she sent me back to the people who loved me the most like a ticking time bomb.

Nikolas: I know that.

Lucky: There are pieces of me I never got back. And all this time, since your affair with Elizabeth blew up in our faces, did you ever ask yourself why I held on to her so tightly? Why I tried so hard to recreate a time when the love that we shared was real and pure, unmauled by someone who's as cruel and sadistic as Helena? It's because Elizabeth represented everything that was taken from me. And our past was the only thing that kept me grounded in our present. And then you came along... and you ruined it without a thought, other than your own self-gratification. So tell me, how can I look at you, knowing all of that... and not see an enemy?

Can I just say that I'm so glad we are back to recognizing that what Helena did to Lucky was horrible and not, you know, a hilarious scheme?  

Sometimes, I feel like Jonathan Jackson is on an entirely different show. He, like...makes an effort. And you can tell that he seriously thinks about what Lucky would say or do in response to certain situations, and his facial expressions convey numerous emotions, not confusion or apathy. I wish it would shame his co-stars into showing up for work every once in a while!


Yeah, that's the face of an engaged scene partner!

Although, to be fair to Tyler Christopher, his boredom with this story/the show/the items on the to-do list he's so obviously recapping in his mind instead of thinking about his scenes, isn't the only problematic part of all of this; there's also the fact that Nikolas is being written as a complete dick.

Nikolas: What Helena did to you was terrible, ok? But, Lucky, it wasn't about me or because of me. You just got caught up in the Cassadine/Spencer war machine, that's all. But if you're hell-bent to make me the enemy, it's because you want me to be. Yeah, you're using what happened to Luke and Tracy as an excuse because you'd rather hate me than believe that Elizabeth and I actually chose to be together.

"Oh my god, Lucky. I know you just unburdened your soul to me and all that but come the hell on, why are you still so bitter about all of this? It's not like we're brothers or anything..."


Yeah. Sad. Sadder that I'm intrigued why D and L's sex life is being put on hold.

"Dante may have a gene for cheating."
Well I knew that Guza couldn't have him be the "good cop" forever... *sigh*

so I am not missing much-- the Jason, Carly, Sonny and Michael show continues. I do the believe the downfall of GH started with birth of Michael-- I hated hated cottage hell, meathooking of AJ. the destruction of the quartermaine family.

Does Patrick not know of Robin's history with Carly? The awfulness of it. --that he does not stand up for his wife EVER to her is awful.

enjoyed the blog as always-- enjoy reading your take on the show. The show has so much potential and it is wasted.....

I was so hoping the Johnny/Kristina would make the blog because Awesome Writer is still on the loose. He/She was all over that scene. Yes, Kristina was completely in the wrong and nutty, but she's angry and understandably so. Johnny acknowledged his various issues and embraced his bad boy with no excuses, explanations yes, but no excuses. Brandon Barash also did some very good work in those scenes.

It was either Awesome Writer, or Experimental Dialogue Writer at work on Johnny and Kristina's scene today. "Dad will hate it more than God hates sin." What? When did Kristina get all southern on us? It sounds like someone's been reading the Footloose screenplay.

"Chik ahh paay pay! Clawdeeah was a sick manippleuhtive bitch who got what she deserved and I uhhhh....... You know ahhhh..... Me no hitty the bitches ughhhh...... De wiiiind sayyy weeeee paay paayyy!". Mumbled Sonny Nell Corinthos.

Thanks for the laughs. The Nell reference was hysterical. And Patrick was loathesome today. Hotly Patrick is dead to me now :-(

I just love reading your columns! You always hit the nail on the head with you observations.

Forshadowing is right. ***spoiler**

because it has been pretty much confirmed that Patrick and Lisa do indeed sleep together. Any hope I had of turning this show back on once Vanessa Marcil came back is now a wash. This show is a freaking piece of crap that is not worth my time and energy. This Scrubs fan has officially jumped ship.

Unfortunately, your best line was "Eventually, I think the episode descriptions are just going to start reading 'Sonny Jason Michael Carly Sonny Jason Sonny Sonny Jason Jason Michael Carly Sonny Michael Jason Jason Carly Carly Jason Jason'!

Thanks for the recap since I haven't watched GH in almost 2 years.

Lucky/Nicholas - Hmmm. I guess Lucky forgot all about chasing Emily while Nicholas was in prison? I know JJ's back in the role, but please, do not insult the audience that watched serial cheater and all around doofus and douche bag Lucky.

CarSon, CarSon, MyKill, Brenda, CarSon, CarSon, MyKill, Brenda,,,,,zzzzzzz. There is no reason for me to watch GH...oh, and then along comes skeevy Franco and his crush on JM...

Watching Patrick and Carly and seeing how much chemistry Laura Wright and Jason Thompson have, I found myself wondering why the producers are wasting time with Lisa, whose sole purpose seems to be reminding Patrick of what a douche he was in college. Why not have Carly and Steve hook up or have a Patrick/Robin/Steve triangle, something that would actually make sense.

As for the Lucky and Nikolas scenes, Lucky being so heartfelt and Nikolas being such a douche, seriously what is the point? Why did they trash this brother/brother relationship if all they are going to do is have Nikolas act like an asshole? Is this all because of Emily? Why can't they write Nikolas like the Prince he's supposed to be? Right now he's more Ivan the Terrible than Prince Charming

Just curious, how did Scummy get custody of Michael? I know he used AJ's alcoholism, but I don't know the details.


I believe there was a meat hook involved.

I know that, but that's all I know.

Gio - Sonny had his goons kidnap AJ and held him in a meat locker until AJ agreed to sign away his parental rights to Michael.

Come to think of it, that really was one of the first bits of sloppy writing on GH - which Guza has now turned into a sickening art form (I use that term loosely). Seriously, AJ was a QUARTERMAINE, it's not like he couldn't afford lawyers to go to court and get that document nullified. Even just changing his mind might have been enough. Mothers who give their babies up for adoption usually have about 6 months to change their mind, so why AJ couldn't get that document, which was signed under extreme duress, thrown out is beyond me.

Hey LadyBug...that's when they thought Nik was dead... not in prison. And Lucky immediately backed off when he found out his brother was alive. So while I have no problem remembering the non-JJ years the show clearly wants to forget...i do think its important to have the history correct.

Ugh...so glad I'm only watching Lucky scenes right now. Though knowing I might not have to suffer through the pain that accompanies a Lulu love scene, just might be enough to make me return. Oh...no Cassadine Coven that I WANT to see? Never mind.

I think Guza is trying to piss off every GH viewer so we all stop watching and GH goes the way of Another World, GL ,ASTWT and all the other once classic soaps. It's amazing how one writer and network executive have basically run this show into the ground. Thank goodness for you tube so I can remember that at one time GH was a great show.

The weekly recaps have honestly become the SonnyCarlyJasonMichaelDanteLulu Wacky Mob Hijinks recaps now. And it's only going to get worse when Franco comes on to say horny subtext-rapidly-becoming-text things to Jason, and when Brenda comes back inevitably eat up what little screen time there is for non-essential (read: non-mob) characters. It's depressing. Luckily, I have you ladies to help me laugh through it. And to celebrate my Tyler Christopher hate openly.

Okay Carly does not a have an irrational hatred for robin. There is a reason behind it. Yes we all know she disliked Robin for being involved with Jason. But there was a reason behind it, and that was Jealousy, which is a valid human emotion. It also led to great soapiness. And as far as I'm concerned it is completely believable to thing Carly would hate Robin forever after Robin told AJ that Michael was his son. Petty and immature she may be sometimes, Carly, not Robin, is Michael's son. Robin violated Carly's wishes when she told AJ the truth. I'm not saying Robin was wrong and Carly was right. I just want to point out there are two sides to that story that explains the contempt between Robin and Carly.

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