Serial Drama

The Day's Most Overused Dialogue

I had a hard time deciding which overused line is most in need of retirement; and let me be clear, I don't mean the Amanda Bynes kind of retirement. I mean the "If I don't stop hearing these things eighty different times in one episode of General Hospital, I am going to go out of my mind" kind of retirement.

I know that my pleas will fall on deaf ears, because the powers-that-be either don't know me, or just blatantly don't care about what I want and have demonstrated that, oh, every day, so why are they going to start now, especially since repeating things all the damn time makes their jobs way easier and that this is an exercise in futility, but anyway.

Please retire...the number 66

Between Route 66, room 66 and the 66 on Aiden's hospital ID bracelet, this number has gotten more screentime this week than the Quartermaines have gotten all year.

Also, I saw Charlie St. Cloud last night--

I'll pause here to give you all a chance to laugh nastily at my expense. I swear, I do occasionally see, watch and read things that are good! Like Inception, Mad Men and Samantha Bee's book I Know I am, But What Are You, respectively. I am not totally devoid of taste!--

and Dave Franco, brother of James, has a small part. They have almost the exact same voice, and I spent the entirety of his scenes bracing myself for him to start talking about choice, and art, and Jason Morgan and the number 66. He didn't, which is a good thing, because I probably would have had a tantrum and totally freaked out the rest of the audience, which was comprised mostly of tween girls.

Please retire...the notion that Michael saved Kristina's life

Kristina: Michael saved my life.

Kristina: Michael, you saved my life.

Sonny: My daughter survived, her brother saved her life.

Yes, Michael did an honorable thing by protecting his sister from Warren Bauer. If I were being hunted down by a grieving father/homicidal maniac/terrible, terrible actor, I hope that one of my brothers would attempt to shield me from his wrath (although since my oldest brother doesn't even open the door for me when my hands are full, I am not so sure that would happen...). He shielded her, yes, and played therapist after the ordeal was over, but he did not save her. I'd say that, you know, MAC SCORPIO actually did the saving.

I knew a police officer getting his heroic moment in the sun was too much to ask for. I am surprised that the writers ever let this pro-police sentiment escalate so much in the first place, so I suppose it's entirely natural* that the show is trying to downplay Mac's involvement as much as possible.

*Naturally lame and ridiculous, I mean.

Please retire...the idea that Sonny fathering a child is a good thing

Claire: Oh, believe me, I do. All I want is what you used to have, Ms. Falconeri-- a beautiful, intelligent child.

Dahlia Salem's constant mugging has made it difficult for me to warm up to Claire, and her staggering idiocy is making it impossible. Why is this story happening? And how can anyone look at Sonny's children and think that HIS genes are the reason that they are so...let's just use "decent" as an umbrella term to describe all of them. How can anyone look at Sonny's children and think that HIS genes are the reason that they are so decent? That's pure luck, Claire!

If Claire were to make a Pro and Con list deciding whether or not Sonny should father a child for her (and I do believe that Pro and Con lists are the best way to make most, if not all, decisions) (I love lists) (and parentheses), the only items under the Pro column would be:

• Dimples
• Might one day care about and pay for medical treatment for someone with AIDS.

She'd never even get the chance to finish the Con column, because her hand would be sprained from the gargantuan effort needed to document all of Sonny's flaws!

Adventures in Ill Logic

So here's the thing.  I enjoy Melissa Archer (Natalie).  I do.  Any time I start to worry about her a bit, she steps up her game -- she absolutely broke my heart the way she played her anguish after Jared's death and I was honestly a bit surprised she didn't get an Emmy nomination.  The bad news is that I think her worst acting comes when Natalie is having to keep secrets and convince people that everything is totally fine, and unfortunately this makes up about 90% of Natalie's storylines.

Now if she's making a conscious choice that Natalie is the worst liar in the history of ever, then more power to her because she's succeeding.  Flying colors.  Unfortunately the text doesn't really lend itself to that -- what we are being asked to see right now is that most people in her life are buying her cover stories (twinsies sympathy morning sickness!) but only the people (the all-knowing John McBain) who know her the best, inside and out, are keen enough to be able to tell there's something wrong.  Wow!  John and Rex are so perceptive to notice all that eye-darting and stammering and face crinkling and huffing and puffing!  Brilliant detectives, I say!

That said, this storyline has some good things going for it.  Both Buchanan twins being pregnant at the same time (quite possibly with identical due dates).  Both "Who's the Daddy" situations, but only one (Natalie) realizes that while the other (Jess) only thinks she's in the clear.  The possibility that Brody is babydaddy to both.  It's good soapy stuff despite the missteps (who trained these doctors to respond to pregnant woman telling them the pregnancy's unplanned with, "Whatevs!  Celebrate!  It's awesome, you'll be super-excited about being a mommy soon enough!"...I'm pretty sure there are rules about that), and I'm even appreciating this new friendship between Natalie and Gigi, with Gigi encouraging Natalie to skip the secret martyr approach and actually decide what she wants.  I'm wondering how they're going to screw it up.  Did Evil Eli secretly inseminate them both?  I'm assuming that's what we'll soon learn.

All My Indifferent Sighs

I find it perplexing that I can go on, at length, about the intricate plots of books that I read as a child (not even plots of important books that changed my life, like Anne of Green Gables or To Kill A Mockingbird, but, like...The Babysitters Club #3--The Truth About Stacey, where Stacey dealt with the fallout of having diabetes and the BSC dealt with a rival babysitting group of eighth graders who, it turned out, were bad girls , and it all worked out fine in the end, because the bad babysitters were caught smoking and Stacey learned to cope with her illness and trust in her friends. Oh my god, when I type it out like that, I think there may actually be something wrong with me), but if you were to ask me about today's episode of All My Children (and I don't know why you would, because I'm certain that you don't really care and, in fact, have probably stopped watching AMC all together and will tune in, maybe, out of morbid fascination when Kendall and Zach return, and if--fingers crossed--David Canary makes an appearance), I would not be able to tell you a single thing.

"Well, I think Ryan was on, and he was probably terrible, and there were other people, doing...things. In a manner that people often exhibit while doing things."

This show is hugely uninteresting, is the point I am trying to make.

I have begged and pleaded for Angie and Jesse to get a major story. And they have! And Debbi Morgan is acting her heart out, doing some of her best work ever. So that's good!

Except for how dull it is. Please don't ask me how it's possible to make a story about someone going blind and then being pregnant (I have just accepted that there is no such thing as menopause as soaps. And this pregnancy is actually much easier to believe than some older soap pregnancies, since Debbi Morgan only looks a few years older than me), and learning that, because of the pregnancy, she has to stop taking the medication she's been using to combat the blindness dull. I mean, there are like seven levels of soap in that sentence and yet, AMC has made it completely boring.

Although I do admit that Jesse's overwhelmed reaction to the news, complete with getting verklempt, was adorable.

Amanda: Gotta be careful about turning down wine, Angie, or people are going to start thinking you're pregnant.
Jesse, after a full minute of awkward silence: Wait a minute, are--a baby? A baby? Are you?

Cuuuuute! And I feel that Debbi Morgan will be all kinds of amazing and heartbreaking while she makes her horrible choice, and Darnell WIlliams will be similarly great when Jesse is clued in, but...all I can say is B-O-R-I-N-G.

Assorted AMC thoughts follow.

The Very Definition of Damning With Faint Praise

"Patrick cheating on Robin with Lisa" is a storyline that I have hated on principle ever since Lisa Niles came to town practically accompanied by a neon caption trumpeting "She is going to cheat with Patrick" but curiously devoid of a personality.

It's not that I am so devoted to Patrick and Robin as a couple (although I do love them, when they are being written in character. Obviously, my love took a leave of absence early last year) that I am unwilling to accept an infidelity story; as I have mentioned here and an upcoming Soap Opera Digest column, infidelity stories are a tried and true soap trope, so OF COURSE General Hospital, a show that is unoriginal under the best of circumstances, is going to go that route. It's just that they went that route in the laziest way possible, the directions for the route in question being "Go straight on Character Assassination Lane. Turn right on Appalling Lack of Chemistry Between The Characters Doing the Hooking Up Street. Take the second exit on the traffic circle for Wild And Crazy College Stories--Oh My GOD Can You Believe Patrick and Lisa Used To Drink Alcoholic Beverages and Have Sexual Intercourse? That's Like, Soooo Crazy! Avenue."

And I find it wholly ridiculous that Lisa, who was able to have a life and function in society after she and Patrick broke up IN COLLEGE, has sex with him once and dives headfirst into the land of the nutbars.

Lisa: I can taste you on this cup.

Lisa: Or do you only have trysts in the supply closet with your wife? This is the part where you try to convince me that we don't have a good thing and then I do that thing that you like so much and prove you wrong.

Lisa, surprising Patrick half naked in an empty room: Don't worry, Sweet Robin doesn't need to know.
Patrick: Stop it. Enough.
Lisa: You're in danger of becoming a very dull boy.
Patrick: You know what? I've tried to be nice. Have some self respect.
Lisa, hauling off and slapping him: Okay, you don't use me and then throw me away.
Patrick: If that's what it takes to get through to you, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Lisa: You don't do what we did and then turn around and act like I mean nothing to you.

I mean, I know the mind of Bob Guza well enough to know that he thinks, "I saw this movie called Fatal Attraction last night, and it was awesome, so..." counts as character development, but really.

And it's more than a little uncomfortable and pathetic for Robin to be uttering lines like this, knowing what we know that she doesn't know.

Robin: You can't keep secrets from me.
Robin: You're such a good dad and a wonderful husband. Do you know how blessed we are?
Robin: I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me, and how much I depend on you and I love you so much.

AND YET.

AND YET!

This is the most entertaining, enjoyable part of the show, which either means that this story, for all of its faults, is still soapy, or that the rest of the show is tremendously dull and offensive and this seems, like...decent in comparison.

Good Loving Gone Bad

Remember that time on All My Children when, against all odds, the pairing of David and Greenlee was oddly compelling and romantic, and I found myself shocked that AMC remembered how to write a good love story and even more shocked that the writers were able to work at rehabilitating David's character after the awful cluster that was the David/Amanda/Jake quagmire? And how I was like, "I shouldn't let myself get invested in this AT ALL, because I know it will end in disappointment. Specifically, the kind of disappointment that comes when the runaway freight train known as Rylee (the freight train obviously has Ryan's blank stare and the smug pout Greenlee gets when she's in Ryan's orbit emblazoned on the sides, and the conductor shouts things about Ryan being an amazing man. It's terrifying) comes by at breakneck speed, crushing anything that stands in its way, laughing evilly as couples, characters and viewers' hearts are destroyed."? And how I immediately followed that thought with, "I'm totally a glutton for punishment who doesn't learn from past heartbreak, though, so let me totally like this couple against my better judgment"?

I remember that time.

Greenlee: What does this have to do with me?
David: Unfortunately, a lot. You see, the NTSB will discover that multiple calls were made to the mechanic from your old cell phone.
Greenlee: But I never...oh my god.
David: And if I bring the mechanic in--
Greenlee: Your mechanic.
David: He will testify under oath that he was hired by you. In addition to that, the NTSB will also find a large sum of money was wired from your account to pay him. So, you see, that, coupled with the documentation I have proving that you cooked Fusion's books, well...the case doesn't look that good for you now, does it?
Greenlee: I can't...you would actually hold this over my head? You would blackmail me to stay with you?
David: I guess that's one way to look at it.
Greenlee: How else am I supposed to look at it, David?
David: As a husband who's trying to hold onto his wife. Because that's all I'm doing here, Greenlee. I love you.

It was nice knowing you, Tolerable Dr. David Hayward! I guess we should be thankful that he's only blackmailing Greenlee and not, you know...drugging her. Although I probably shouldn't have even publicly remembered that story, in case the writers are like, "Hey, if we have him do that, we can demonize him more AND pass it off as continuity! Score!"

Short on Words But... But...

It just couldn't go unaddressed.  Blair walked down the stairs in a weird pink coat with a high collar and it was a little scary.  I worried that it was more a Dorian jacket than a Blair jacket and, while I am all for Dorian jackets, I'm all for Dorian jackets on Dorian.  And after a few segments full of Dorian and David inexplicably and out-of-the-blue disapproving of Eli as a match for Blair, I didn't want to see Blair sunk further.  But they didn't sink her further.  They most certainly did not.  Because you see...

Are you freaking kidding me??  How much more super-human can this woman get?

I wish I could say this only made me gleeful, but this -- this? -- is the woman who can never be the first choice of any decent man?

It's not that there's nothing else to say about today's episode.  Layla suggested some people who love Evangeline might want to be informed that they're pulling her plug and she listed Bo, Nora, and John, and everyone was still considering it until Cristian named Todd Manning... "Yeah, it should just be family," was Layla's immediate response upon the invocation of that name.  A delicious moment.  A confusing moment?  One Life to Live continued their efforts to use every identifiable song that ABC Daytime already owns the rights to on behalf of General Hospital when they played the Jason/Elizabeth theme song during the "Everybody's the Daddy!" scene at the bar. 

But all of this is irrelevant.  It is difficult to find words to blather on about things that really don't matter in the face of the most important thing that happened.

And on that, I need to go for a run.  Or find an exercise video.  Does Kassie de Paiva have an exercise video?

Couple of the Summer: Roxy and Clint?

As idiotic as Viki and Charlie's scheme against Dorian and David was last week, the upside was that, for once, Viki and Charlie were acting like children while Dorian got to be the one to actually walk away with some dignity.  We should've known that wouldn't last.

Last week closed out with Dorian periodically changing her MyFace status (I'm pretty sure MyFace is also the name of the primary social networking site on the various Law and Orders.  That or FaceSpace, occasionally.  Why no Llanface?  Or Llanbook?) in some passive-aggressive manner to let the citizens of Llanview know that she's not having an affair with Charlie and that she's not now nor has she ever been in love with David Vickers.  Followed by David, of course, posting obnoxious comments on her status and... I mean the whole thing is so mind-numbingly stupid that it hurts to type out.  And then of course Kelly and Destiny oh-so-wisely pointed out to Dorian and David that, naturally, Viki and Charlie were absolutely right and Dorian and David do love each other!  Oh goodie.  Maybe they'll have a series of near-misses or declarations right before he leaves the effing show again.  To add insult to injury, Kelly announced that Dorian has been in love with David since the nineties and, sure, she loved Mel but David always had a place in her heart.  No mention at all of Ray, the hottest romance she's had in a decade.  I am starting to lose hope that they'll ever bring him back.

There are two major ways I'm making myself feel better about how incredibly stupid all of this is.  One is imagining how Clint and Roxy have fallen very much in love and are off-screen having a torrid affair.  There has to be some reason we haven't seen two of the best actors and characters this show has for months now, right?  The other acceptable alternative is that the two of them have taken Sam on an extended Disney World vacation.  Sure, I know they said he was out on the patio last week, but I believe only what I see.

The second way I'm making myself feel better is finding solace in the fact that at least this wasn't the stupidest thing to happen on ABC Daytime last week.  The stupidest thing was not scooping up Michael Lowry to reprise the role of Ross (cutely telling the press he wasn't available was not as adorable as they think) while creating a new role entirely for Billy Warlock, but the second stupidest thing has deftly been analyzed in full by Mallory. 

Destiny out!

True Blood: I Got a Right to Sing the Blues

Welcome to the newest Serial Drama feature, which does not yet have a pithy name, because "A place for Mallory to talk about True Blood without hijacking posts for other, less awesome shows" is far from pithy, but whatever: True Blood! A place for a weekly discussion about the goings on in Bon Temps and a place where we can all marvel at primetime soap done right.

I do have to warn you, though, that sometimes vampire and werewolf based entertainment brings out a side of me that I'm not totally comfortable with, namely the side of myself that makes stupid puns and giggles at them much to the consternation of everybody else in the world. I am only telling you this because there is a chance that I might, at some point, say something like "Fangs for the good time, Eric!" or something similarly humiliating. Please know that I am judging myself harshly.

SPOILERS are after the jump, so if you aren't caught up on season three (1) get caught up and (2) avert your eyes!

Are You Francophreaking Kidding Me?

ALTERNATE TITLE: Three Fatalities and a Kidnapped Baby

ALTERNATE ALTERNATE TITLE: The Time Mallory's Crush on James Franco Was Clubbed To Death In Front of Her

When Friday's episode of General Hospital ended, I sat for about three minutes, trying to come to terms with what I had just sat through, which was sixty minutes of just...utter wretchedness, and it was the kind of wretchedness that is impossible to attain accidentally. No, this is a case of Bob Guza looking at his perfectly precise whiteboards, assessing the plotlines he'd have going on in the July 23rd episode and musing, "That's all well and good, but how can we make these things even worse?"

Because every thread of this episode was just bad, either in acting, editing or pacing. How is it that an episode about a rampage in a hospital had no dramatic tension? It was seriously just business as usual. And then there was the Franco DISASTER which was a cacophony of everything that could possibly go wrong in an episode of television including horrific, over-the-top acting, embarrassing non-acting and a performer in drag doing a spoken word performance alongside "Mad World".

Since I am unable to repress the memories of this episode, I am going to recap it for those who were lucky enough to miss it, because why should I be the only one who has to suffer?!

The show opens with a frustratingly long look at the setting up of Franco's performance piece in Los Angeles, a plotline that is ludicrous on numerous levels (including: why is the only law enforcement presence Dante, and his hitman foil/sidekick? Like, the FBI has no interest in an unhinged serial killer? I know they probably figure that since Jason is on the case, their services are unnecessary, since Jason always saves the day, but still. Ugh, hate, the worst, etc. And why does the art community not seem to know that Franco is a serial killer? I was also going to complain about how much this location shoot was costing but, as Sara Bibel at Deep Soap notes, James Franco paid for most of it, so that takes one complaint off of my list, which leaves me annoyed about...um, pretty much every other beat of this story). Even the show's attempt at continuity (a lingering closeup on a bowl of red M&Ms) was awful; they can't be bothered to recall the show's history or the events one episode prior, but they can remember Franco's quirks.

Back in Port Charles, Warren strides through General Hospital eerily.

As Mac draws his gun, Warren quickly and calmly shoots him and Ethan, and snarls at Kristina, "Look what you made me do." She cowers, and Michael, like a good big brother, protects her as Warren goes on his fiftieth rant about how Kristina is a lying liar who lies, and since she had to go and tell all of those whoppers about Kiefer, she has to die. As he points the gun at her, a shot is fired...

Which, elsewhere in the hospital, Carly hears. She immediately jumps into protective mother mode and has no patience for Patrick telling her that they can't be sure it was actually gunshots. Again, I have to express concern that this man is allowed to operate on people's heads: you live in Port Charles! It's a safe bet that any sound you hear is gunfire, or people screaming in pain after being disposed of by some other violent means. Carly schools him.

Carly: I was married to Sonny long enough to know what gunfire sounds like.

1.) Ha! 2.) I don't know why she never uses her biggest trump card, "Sonny shot me in the head while I was giving birth", in situations like this. It would give some of her arguments way more credibility.

Nikolas and Lucky watch Franco's ridiculous recording, which Maxie also glimpses. He warns them/us that "logic will not serve you here. Give yourself over to experience". It's presented as a shocking bit of wisdom, but it's totally old hat for us, no? Franco, we're watching the Guza era of GH; logic has been useless to us since the mid-90s.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Seriously?

Jake: Ryan has had an aneurysm. It's in the same spot in his brain that he was shot a few years ago.

SERIOUSLY?

Why has ANOTHER All My Children writing regime decided to give Ryan a brain injury in order to extricate him from his latest victim love interest and to facilitate a reunion with the woman they have decided, at the moment, is the greatest love of his life? I mean, I already know that the answer to this question is "because everybody who writes for this show is creatively bankrupt and horribly lame" (it's also the answer to the related question, "Why is this show going full throttle in making Angie and Jake so completely awful?"), but come on! The majority of this show is so deadly dull that I have been forced to bribe myself to watch entire episodes, and they expect me to sit through this, again, some more? This is just kicking me while I'm down.

I am trying to figure out if I am so irked because this has been done to death (you know what's less entertaining than a retread? A retread of a retread!) or because I am fed up with the prospect of Ryan dying or being comatose and ushered off camera for a year being repeatedly dangled in my face and then cruelly snatched away...