ABC Daytime Makes "What If?" Sound So Threatening!
The first three episodes of ABC Daytime and SOAPNet's new original web series What If...? are available for your viewing...for your viewing.
The stated premise: "What if your favorite ABC Daytime characters met?"
The actual premise: "Why should our favorite screen hogs only be given the chance to hog television screens? Computer monitors, here we come!"
I watched so that you don't have to. Unless you want to, which you might, because each video is only five minutes long and less offensive than watching full episodes of any of the soaps, which is hardly a ringing endorsement, but you know what I mean!
Erica Kane and Sonny Corinthos in Love in A Time of Claustrophobia
Erica, Erica Kane is ready to accept the prestigious Woman of the Year Award when she runs into Sonny Corinthos, who is in desperate need of an alibi. He stops their elevator and mauls her so that the elevator camera will capture them together.
Erica: You're Sonny Corinthos.
Erica: You're in the news quite a bit for...what is it that you do?
Sonny: Coffee importer.
Erica: Right. And you need me for an alibi?
Sonny: I promise you I'll be your best friend.
That's the most chilling sentence I can conceive of.
Then their elevator stops for real, and Sonny has an epic freakout because, remember, Sonny is claustrophobic due to his abuse at the hands of Deke, which he doesn't like to talk about unless he needs to bring it up to explain away his bad behavior. Erica tries to calm him down first by appealing to his vanity and complimenting his dimples, and then by talking about Kendall and Bianca, and then asking him if he has children. She notices that Dante is conspicuously absent from the family photos Sonny has with him (because he's the best father ever, remember) and hazards a guess as to the state of their relationship that is almost completely accurate. He agrees with her recap of the story that has eaten GH, but neglects to mention the fact that he kind of SHOT HIS SON IN THE CHEST. She commiserates, telling him about her own experience with a child that loathed her with every fiber of her being and tells him that she's sure Dante will come around, because they can't very well have a non-Jax person in Port Charles consistently hating Sonny. Then the elevator doors open and Erica sashays out (I hope that Susan Lucci walks like that all the time. Just, like, regally sashaying around Borders and whatnot) and Sonny mumbles a thank you and is just...the worst.
Carly Jacks and Ryan Lavery in How to Be Bad
Carly is dressed in a French maid costume, which is apparently part of a larger plot to win Jax back.
She gets onto an elevator and Ryan calls for her to hold the door. The elevator gets stuck, and, like her ex-husband, she has an epic freakout because, as she explains to Ryan, she has a very small "forgiveness window" to work with. I love that and I think that with lingo like that and the famous "Go-Back and Re-Do", if Carly ever wanted to work for a living, she could pen a really successful dating advice book. The advice would obviously be terrible, because Carly's life is a tutorial in what not to do in life, but it would be amazingly fun to read.
Carly: Time is of the essence when you're trying to win back the love of your life.
Ryan: Amen to that.
Carly: Really? What's her name?
Champagne is uncorked, a heavily abridged recap of Ryan and Greenlee's romance is told and Carly plays relationship counselor.
Carly: You know what your problem is?
Ryan: No [like, duh, of course not!], but I have a feeling you're going to tell me.
Carly: You wear your heart on your sleeve.
If I'm recording the Top One Thousand Problems with Ryan Lavery, that would not make the list. Not when there are other, more obvious problems such as "rage issues" and "responds to the most basic of statements with a confused stare".
But wait, there is more Carly hilarity to be had!
Carly: You're going to have to find your inner bad boy.
There is nothing "inner" about Ryan's more odious personality traits, but whatever, the gist of this episode is that Carly teaches him how to be a bad boy. Like, not smiling, ignoring women when they cry and yelling like a caveman. To the surprise of absolutely no one who has ever sat through an episode of All My Children and had to watch this douche offend the sensibilities of everyone he encounters, Ryan passes these tests with flying colors. Then they nearly kiss, the elevator door opens and Carly scampers away, with Ryan watching her, saying to himself, "She wanted me. She definitely wanted me."
Damian Spinelli and Todd Manning in Fear of Flying
The most amusing of the three thanks to the seriously funny moment where Spinelli holds his hand out for Todd to shake and Todd wordlessly shakes his head no. As I've said before, I am so easy to please, which makes daytime's inability to please me all the more galling. It's not like I have high standards!
Recap: Todd (angry) and Spinelli (extremely annoying) are sitting next to each other on a plane, so you know shenanigans are a-coming. Spinelli is afraid of flying so he babbles a lot, Todd gets angrier, Spinelli continues to babble, Todd coldly (and hilariously) tells Spinelli about a plane crash he survived and says that the sounds the plane is making are just like what happened the last time, Spinelli almost vomits, Todd utters the immortal words, "Spaghetti, this might be it for us!", Spinelli realizes Todd's fucking with him, Todd gets himself a Spinelli-Speak nickname ("The Psychotic One") and makes lecherous comments about Maxie, Spinelli lunges at him, a US Marshal pulls him off and because of Spinelli's outburst, the plane has to land and Todd misses the connecting flight that had him so angry in the first place.
For those of you who watched: what did you think of ABC's experiment? Did the sight of Sonny trying to kiss Erica also make you contemplate sticking your head in the oven? How completely and utterly unsurprised are you that upcoming webisodes feature Greenlee, Jason, Dante, Luke, Viki, Starr, Sam and McBain?