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« Sympathy for the Devil | Main | Sorry, I Just Hallucinated »

July 07, 2010

Ooooh! Such Pretty Fireworks!

Oh, was that not the point of yesterday's episode of One Life to Live?  Because I am working very hard to ignore the other points.

Where to begin.  Shall we start with the utterly mundane discussion between Rex and Gigi about whether or not he misses being a "bad boy?"  I can't really start there, I might fall asleep.

Or how about Jessica's big confession to Brody that she almost slept with Ford the night of the prom?  Nothing much there, other than the usual sweet utterances and dialogue overkill ("You would never hide the truth from me about anything ever in the world on earth in the universe for the rest of time, I just know it!"), though to be fair it culminated hilariously when Ford walked by and Brody turned into Ragey Soldier Brody and almost killed the poor guy (yep, I said "poor guy," the guy is starting to amuse me again in all his put-upon ways, what can I say).

Oh, oh!  And then there was that riveting scene between John, Natalie, Hannah, and Cole that truly sounded like a spoof of a soap opera instead of an actual soap opera.  Not only did they have the same conversation about thirty-five times during the course of the episode, I'm pretty sure they had the same conversation last week.  We also got the treat of someone who's been a forensic tech for about a day and a half actually leading the interrogation.  (Was this just a necessity because the "men" in the room are too stoic and broody to ask questions and have theories?)  It was seriously unbearable and came with stock melodrama lines like, "Why would I do it?" (cue cocky investigator attitude) "That was Step One!" (smirk, smirk)  And every segment ended with Hannah either threatening to tell them who killed John and Marty's baby, or threatening to not tell them who killed John and Marty's baby.  (And I ask why everyone is all of a sudden wringing their hands about the actual miscarriage, since the "whodunit" component seemed to be all that anyone but Marty cared about.)

And then there was some confusion about who Todd, our latest revived hero (puke), was actually supposed to be rescuing -- Nate or James or Dani or Starr.  But everyone eventually botched the situation enough to all need rescuing, resulting in a scene in which somehow all the (barn?) lighting disappeared and only the fireworks illuminated the scene.  I believe what happened next was some sort of a peculiar shovel/gun battle in which Bull was shot on purpose and James somehow got caught in the crossfire.  Did anyone else get the sense that the lighting was that way so that they could skip the fight choreography altogether and just sort of run around a lot?  It looked fun to do, I can say that much.

Or we could talk about the cousinly heart-to-heart between Blair and Kelly about Eli's marriage proposal, and totally uncoincidentally about Bennett Thompson, the man Kelly assumes killed her mother.  (Kelly assumes this because his name was on an apparently fire-proof slip of paper in a giant ceramic vase, and nothing says "This is the man who will kill me!" like slips of fire-retardant paper in vases.)

But really, the whole point of that was to underscore this big reveal (gasp!)...

Weirdford

Creepy point-of-view camera angle on Naked Ford!  He's talking to his attacker, who could it be?

Scaryeli!

Yeah.  Eli, now complete with scary lighting.

First of all: suck it, show.

Second of all, what?  Yes, they started telegraphing this a few days ago, but we're all pretty sure they pulled this out of their asses, right?  Eli tried to kill Ford!  Because Ford was blackmailing Eli because he knows that he's.... Bennett Thompson!  Did Eli push Marty down the stairs?  Did Eli kill Kelly's mother?  (Incidentally, the little caption for the episode on the ABC website said that Ford's and Marty's attackers are revealed.  Are they both Eli?  Was that just implied?)  And now all of a sudden Eli is most concerned about Todd finding out, because we all know that Todd will go crazy defending... Blair?  Haven't they spent most of the last year proving to us that Todd couldn't care less about Blair anymore?  But now this is yet another storyline that's really all about Todd?

Why Eli, why??  They had to take the one new adult character who's actually sympathetic (and is adorable with Blair) and make him a criminal mastermind?  And... how is Bennett Thompson Ross Rayburn's brother?  Or is he?  All the question are bringing up the bile, so perhaps it's best to leave you with the most important questions of all:

Has Tea been unconscious for a week on her hotel room floor?  And are Bo and Nora just chilling at their apartment serving tea to the hooker they discovered?

I need a nap.

Destiny out.

Comments

Lol! Yep Tea probably has been unconscious for a week!
I liked Eli.. still do actually cuz I have no idea what's going one and how he's suddenly "KILLER BENNET THOMPSON".. so yeah they definitely pulled it out of their asses.. and they need to try to shove it back up!

If I have to endure the likes of John McBain, Rex Balsom and Todd Manning on my show, who the show-runners insist are HEROES... if I have to endure the fact that Sonny Corinthos, Jason Morgan and Ryan Lavery exist as heroes on this same network... then I fucking deserve Elijah Clarke.

At this point, I've done a heel-face turn on the subject of baby killing. Last week, I was all 'well, killing Marty's baby is the deal-breaker' and this week I'm all 'fuck that, I don't care.' And that's where I am. I don't care.

I like Elijah. I like Matt Walton. I even like him as a villain type because he gives good face. Look at that cold steely glare above... that's for real. Sends the right kind of shiver down my spine. Todd raped Marty and plotted to steal his own grand-child in order to raise her with his rape victim and his 'punishment' was to get a completely re-written True Love story with Tea while Blair actually tried her damndest to get him back.

I have to suffer through that shit and then NOT get Elijah and Blair? The first guy I've honestly loved with Blair since WALKER and they're going to flush him down the toilet as the string pulling villain for the last six months because... what, Reed didn't work out or something? I've had to suffer through the Max Redux, both sets of Sam Rappaport, Kevin at his sleaziest and most unworthy, Spencer Truman and John McBain as love interests for Blair that have done nothing but degrade her while Blair's children fall all over themselves for the opportunity to tell us all how amazing and wonderful Tea is and then they turn Elijah into baby-killing uber-villain?

Fuck that!

As far as I'm concerned, now is the time for Blair to return to her own dark roots and join with Eli to become Evil Villains that Rule the World with their Evil Progeny. Give them a volcano lair/child-rearing paradise. Hell, I'm supposed to believe that Todd is the bestest father and lover that ever was, right? A truly decent man with the purest of motives, yes? Well, sell me another one!

The sinners are more fun anyway. Blair and Elijah forever!

Fuck you, Ron. (And Bennet Thompson is a stupid name, too.)

Awww...I really liked Eli.

Stupid show!!!

Dandesun, I was indeed looking forward to your weigh-in on this -- I figured it would having you reeling -- and you did not disappoint! I'll think I'll take them as a bad-boy/bad-girl couple, too, if the alternative means we lose "them." And I agree that Matt Walton has been terrific.

wow, when did forensic tech conduct police investigations should she be collect evidence and in the lab.

Eli I am just tired of the super villain and to tell the truth the Blair and Eli pairing is just not that entertaining to me

At lest Fish and Sierra Rose got name-checked during that boring Rex/Gigi convo.

Damn, I hate it when soaps fall back on having a "supervillain" character that will inevitably be killed off to make way for a new one. It is possible to have a character on the show who fills the villain role but is still sympathetic at times and is still there for the long haul (DAYS is doing that beautifully right now, with Nicole, E.J., Vivian...and I think a couple of others). That's what Dorian used to be, and was for a while again under your stories, Ron! And that's what Todd's supposed to be!

Todd is still evil and will do something stupid before you know it.

Blair is no babe in the woods and is well equipped to handle Eli.

Rexx/Gigi - Get them off of my screen! I would rather stare at Ford all day. At least the boy has killer abs.

Dandesun's rants are like sunshine on a cloudy day. Or, in this case, like sunshine in the middle of a tropical monsoon. What did Blair ever do to be treated this horribly by the writers? Not be Tea?

On a totally different note, though...Louise, I love the fact that you know that the correct phrase is "couldn't care less." I have a feeling that the end result of the story will be Todd going after Eli to get vengeance for new interest (of some sort) Kelly and object d'obsession Marty. Blair? Blair who? Just a guess...

If David and Matthew were really thinking on their feet, they could have totally sold the story that the hooker was the cleaning lady they hired to clean up the apartment. Bo and Nora were completely shocked to see how neat it looked, so they would have bought the story. Instead, they looked like deer in headlights, and next we see David with his goodies all decked in Old Glory (and his mini-me, Ford in the same suit!) at the country club. So what happened? I was looking forward to the hilarity that would ensue when Nora realized that her baby boy was deflowered by a dirty hooker. Thanks for nothing, OLTL!

I am ok with Eli being a villian. I never really liked Eli and Blair. They were rather boring and lacked chemistry. I don't mind that they are making Eli the bad guy, I just hope it isn't at Blair's expense. I don't want a Spencer Truman repeat!!!!

I like Elijah. I like Matt Walton. I even like him as a villain type because he gives good face. Look at that cold steely glare above... that's for real. Sends the right kind of shiver down my spine.

I like your post

Lol! Your recaps always crack me up :)

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