Ooooh! Such Pretty Fireworks!
Oh, was that not the point of yesterday's episode of One Life to Live? Because I am working very hard to ignore the other points.
Where to begin. Shall we start with the utterly mundane discussion between Rex and Gigi about whether or not he misses being a "bad boy?" I can't really start there, I might fall asleep.
Or how about Jessica's big confession to Brody that she almost slept with Ford the night of the prom? Nothing much there, other than the usual sweet utterances and dialogue overkill ("You would never hide the truth from me about anything ever in the world on earth in the universe for the rest of time, I just know it!"), though to be fair it culminated hilariously when Ford walked by and Brody turned into Ragey Soldier Brody and almost killed the poor guy (yep, I said "poor guy," the guy is starting to amuse me again in all his put-upon ways, what can I say).
Oh, oh! And then there was that riveting scene between John, Natalie, Hannah, and Cole that truly sounded like a spoof of a soap opera instead of an actual soap opera. Not only did they have the same conversation about thirty-five times during the course of the episode, I'm pretty sure they had the same conversation last week. We also got the treat of someone who's been a forensic tech for about a day and a half actually leading the interrogation. (Was this just a necessity because the "men" in the room are too stoic and broody to ask questions and have theories?) It was seriously unbearable and came with stock melodrama lines like, "Why would I do it?" (cue cocky investigator attitude) "That was Step One!" (smirk, smirk) And every segment ended with Hannah either threatening to tell them who killed John and Marty's baby, or threatening to not tell them who killed John and Marty's baby. (And I ask why everyone is all of a sudden wringing their hands about the actual miscarriage, since the "whodunit" component seemed to be all that anyone but Marty cared about.)
And then there was some confusion about who Todd, our latest revived hero (puke), was actually supposed to be rescuing -- Nate or James or Dani or Starr. But everyone eventually botched the situation enough to all need rescuing, resulting in a scene in which somehow all the (barn?) lighting disappeared and only the fireworks illuminated the scene. I believe what happened next was some sort of a peculiar shovel/gun battle in which Bull was shot on purpose and James somehow got caught in the crossfire. Did anyone else get the sense that the lighting was that way so that they could skip the fight choreography altogether and just sort of run around a lot? It looked fun to do, I can say that much.
Or we could talk about the cousinly heart-to-heart between Blair and Kelly about Eli's marriage proposal, and totally uncoincidentally about Bennett Thompson, the man Kelly assumes killed her mother. (Kelly assumes this because his name was on an apparently fire-proof slip of paper in a giant ceramic vase, and nothing says "This is the man who will kill me!" like slips of fire-retardant paper in vases.)
But really, the whole point of that was to underscore this big reveal (gasp!)...
Creepy point-of-view camera angle on Naked Ford! He's talking to his attacker, who could it be?
Yeah. Eli, now complete with scary lighting.
First of all: suck it, show.
Second of all, what? Yes, they started telegraphing this a few days ago, but we're all pretty sure they pulled this out of their asses, right? Eli tried to kill Ford! Because Ford was blackmailing Eli because he knows that he's.... Bennett Thompson! Did Eli push Marty down the stairs? Did Eli kill Kelly's mother? (Incidentally, the little caption for the episode on the ABC website said that Ford's and Marty's attackers are revealed. Are they both Eli? Was that just implied?) And now all of a sudden Eli is most concerned about Todd finding out, because we all know that Todd will go crazy defending... Blair? Haven't they spent most of the last year proving to us that Todd couldn't care less about Blair anymore? But now this is yet another storyline that's really all about Todd?
Why Eli, why?? They had to take the one new adult character who's actually sympathetic (and is adorable with Blair) and make him a criminal mastermind? And... how is Bennett Thompson Ross Rayburn's brother? Or is he? All the question are bringing up the bile, so perhaps it's best to leave you with the most important questions of all:
Has Tea been unconscious for a week on her hotel room floor? And are Bo and Nora just chilling at their apartment serving tea to the hooker they discovered?
I need a nap.