Serial Drama

The Mixed-Up Mind of Robert Guza

A recurring Serial Drama features over the years has been When Soap Writers Talk To The Press: Shocking, Stupid, Seriously How Are They Still Employed?; previous segments include Charles Pratt blaming Eden Riegel for his stunning failure at his job, Maria Arena Bell claiming that Tracey E. Bregman deserved an Oscar for her dual roles, Bob Guza blaming Michael for getting shot in the head and then going on to coin the phrase "the penultimate, the cosmic guffaw". I post their musings, provide commentary and then we all have a hearty laugh at their expense and/or weep bitter tears that these people write for a living.

Today's entry: Bob Guza talks to Nelson Branco in a conversation that reads as though delusion, arrogance and simple-mindedness combined to form a mutant offspring with zero redeeming qualities. My commentary at first consisted solely of the phrase "Bitch be crazy" in response to everything he said because...well, see for yourself.

Guza on Claire Labine: She’s a classic example. Stone’s death was a great story — but that’s all she had. As a result, not only did the show dip in the numbers, there was nothing to pick the story up.

He's right, you know? Claire Labine only had iconic stories like Stone's (and BJ's) death, which can hardly compare to Bob Guza's legacy which includes--gosh, I hardly know what awful story to throw in his face as an example because there are so many to choose from. Mr. Craig being Jerry Jacks? Blog wars? Sonny and Emily's affair? The Text Message Killer? I could keep going, because there are so many other ludicrous stories I could use to prove my point, but that would just depress me even more and, really, why exert any more effort when the following words so clearly convey the deepness of this man's wrongness?--Nikolas having sex with a hallucination of his tumor-addled mind.

TVG: Your storytelling is more balanced now, too.

Who who in the what now?

G: It’s because of the stories. I fixated on the idea of the Dante story that became the umbrella story for what you’re seeing now. The trick was not to make it Sonny’s story but Jason’s, Carly’s and so forth. I think that’s what our turning point was and what you’re seeing. Dante’s story has allowed us to tell these umbrella stories that we have to tell with this cast.

1. "I fixated on the idea of the Dante story"--no fucking way, seriously? I never would have known, because it's not like Dante has forsaken Italian food in favor of EATING ALL OF PORT FUCKING CHARLES.

2. The man thinks that an umbrella story is defined as "A Sonny/Jason/Carly" story. It says so much and so little about him at the same time.

Adults Behaving Badly and Failed Identity Switches

Elijah Clarke really needs to have a chat with his cell phone carrier.  First I wondered how, had he not known that his brother (?) Ross was still alive before Tea told him, he would still have a current phone number for him that had a working voicemail. 

Of course then after announcing to Ross's voicemail that Todd and Tea had told him he was alive, Eli let out an adorable fake gasp, so I'm assuming he has known all along and has been in contact with him the whole time.  So okay, Ross isn't the worst at the whole faking-his-death-to-skirt-the-law thing, since one might typically change one's phone number when one is trying to avoid public knowledge of his continued breathing.  But does this mean Eli and Ross have been in cahoots on all the evil dastardliness since the beginning, ergo meaning once Billy Warlock shows up, we'll lose both him and Matt Walton relatively soon since mustache-twirling villians are typically not long for our show?  I hope not.  I hope we keep them.

So while I'm going to give Ross the benefit of the doubt that he doesn't have the same phone number he used to before he was on the run, apparently I cannot give Eli the same benefit of the doubt.

 

Who the What Now?

So according to Soap Opera Digest's twitter page, Ross Rayburn will be returning to One Life to Live.  Not, however, in the form of Michael Lowry, but in the form of Billy Warlock.

Nope, not him.  Goodbye, slacker surfer Ross.  Hello....

I just... what?!  Don't get me wrong, I adore Billy Warlock and am thrilled beyond measure to see him back on one of my shows.  And lord knows he understands how to replace someone and play a character who has already been thrown under the bus just prior to his first appearance in the role. 

Will he have a lot of scenes with his on-screen brother, Evil Eli/Bennet/Clarke/Thompson, who must be two feet taller than he is?

Is anyone else utterly baffled by this news?  Anyone? 

Port Charmless

Bob Guza's tendency to watch a movie and immediately adapt it, badly, for his own nefarious, Jason-worshiping purposes, has become a running joke with General Hospital viewers. Well, perhaps "joke" isn't the right word choice there, as it implies that the situation involves humor. There is no humor here, just complete and utter sadness that this man has built an empire rewriting stories poorly. But you know what I mean: HBO airs a movie, Bob Guza catches it and thinks to himself, "Wouldn't it be awesome if that happened in Port Charles and included lines about what an amazing person Jason is?" and we wind up with Kate Howard Wears Prada, the saga of dueling police and mafia informants that I refuse to even describe as a rip-off of The Departed because that would require mentioning this show and The Departed in the same sentence and I just cannot even, and the upcoming Lisa Niles: Bunny Boiler.

I think he must have stumbled across Mean Girls at some point recently, too, because there was a whole lot of sass and venom on today's episode.

Spinelli, in particular, seemed like he was about ten seconds away from taking out his own Burn Book, which I'm sure would be named something utterly ridiculous, and writing a hateful screed about Dante. Although I don't think that any of his secret musings could be more disturbing and unsettling than what he admitted out loud and in front of someone today:

Spinelli: Dante might find himself in a crime scene photo of his own. Not that I would shed a tear.

Explain this to me as simply as possible, using small words and speaking slowly. Basically, pretend you're talking to Bob Guza: why should I not be repulsed beyond reason with Spinelli? Because where the show sees "adorable, zany sidekick", I see "Fuck the what?"

Remember That Time, With the Thing At The Place?

I decided, mid-week, to take an impromptu (and I hate even typing this made-up word, because it is so silly and twee and I have often and publicly used the phrase "holy cannoli", so you'd think silly and twee would be right up my alley) staycation (UGH. Please don't judge me, for I already judge myself), deciding to do absolutely nothing except sit by the pool, read and give myself three different pedicures. No soaps and no waking up before 7:30! It was totally relaxing.

I felt like I owed it to myself, since I was dealing with the double whammy of crippling sadness over the end of the World Cup (this always happens at the end of big sporting events, because I am a nerd like that. Fernando Torres, I'll miss you most of all!) and a heat wave that can best be described as blistering, or hellish, which meant that I was crankier than usual ("Mallory, isn't your default state cranky?" YES, IT IS, so you now have a pretty good idea of the kind of crankiness I'm talking about here) and any posts I made would have just been rage-filled screeds instead of...well, rage-filled screeds peppered with humor.

But there is a downside to taking a break from soap-watching. Namely that you then find yourself wading through multiple episodes at once. As I watched the Franco plot meander to what will surely be a ridiculous conclusion as the shows tries to get as much drama as possible out of James Franco's couple of days on set, and as I watched the fallout from Patrick and Lisa's ick nast hookup, and as I watched Sonny...just be, I could actually feel my brain start to fry. And then came Warren:

Warren: Ms. Davis. Surrounded by her loving family of thugs and pathological liars.

Sonny: Kristina's mother told you proper procedure. Now, you need to contact Diane Miller because she's the one who gets paid to listen to garbage like yours. Nobody else here is interested.

Warren: Well, I suggest you get interested. Your little respite is over. You're gonna pay for what you did to my son.

It WAS a nice little respite, wasn't it? It says a lot about this show and how often it drops storylines and entire characters that I seriously thought we'd never see Warren or hear about his lawsuit again. And I was totally okay with that, really, because everything about Kiefer's death was so poorly handled and Bradley Cole is just completely awful. But Warren is back and I'm pretty sure is going to get a large role in this summer's non-sweeps, non-event that will change everything in Port Charles forever and...this show is just the worst.

Dysfunctional, Tedious Love in the Afternoon

Since I am also a General Hospital viewer, I probably should never be nit-picky about how One Life to Live chooses to focus on their various tales of love and sex -- even if they leave a horrid taste in my mouth, I suppose I should be grateful that they're focusing on relationships at all instead of largely concentrating on dodging bullets and car bombs and mechanical monkeys and "creepy" graffiti.  Of course if I conceded that, I'd never have anything to say at all and we can't have that, can we?

Based on some of the comments here in the past, I am apparently in the minority when I say I somewhat enjoy Ford (Robert Ford, that is).  He's a womanizer, so from where I sit he's basically a dick but not a monster -- these recent efforts to give him a small dose of humanity give the character more than one note, and that's always a good thing.  However, if they are going in the direction of "redeeming" him by having him realize he really does have true feelings for Langston, they're going to need a new navigator.  Frankly it was a little refreshing to have a guy 'fess up and just say, "Nah, it was a good time, but it was just for fun."  And considering Langston was participating in her own far more hurtful lie at the time, it was poetic justice.  Can we just leave it at that?  Does he need to keep mixing with the teen crowd?  Can we have a character in his 20s interact with other characters in their 20s please?  (It's a little sad that 20-somethings look like the "vets" right now on this show.)  Point is, I can't think of anything less interesting than Ford groveling to Langston right now.  Yesterday that scene in the park almost felt like Langston was having to choose between two men, Ford and Markko, which is completely idiotic.  She made her choice.  She chose Ford, and he wasn't interested.  And now they're battling for her "honor?"  I don't think so.  Which brings me to...

I'm Just Guessing Here

Yesterday and today, mysterious technical issues came up during the hour that All My Children airs. Yesterday, ABC went all static-y, and today, my DVR didn't record the episode. The way I see it, my poor television set, which is the recipient of at least eighty percent of my eyerolls and disgusted sighs, either tried to do me a favor by sparing me the horror of AMC in an effort to get on good terms with me or was like, "Uncle, bitch. I can't watch this show anymore. Do you know what it's like to broadcast Ryan Lavery five times a week? I hate myself. I'm out."

Either way, I have not watched AMC this week. I hope I didn't miss two really good epi...my fingers wouldn't even let me finish typing that patently ridiculous sentence!

What I did do, in an effort to be professional, was read Soap Opera Digest's recap of today's episode and I have a feeling that without even watching, I know exactly what went down.

At the yacht club, David asked a distracted Greenlee if she was still upset with him. "I said I forgave you," she snapped. Greenlee excused herself to go to Fusion.

Translation: The writers thought to themselves, "Efffff. We have a compelling, watchable couple here that makes Rylee look less appealing than...a really unappealing thing. Bring on the inexplicable squabbling!"

Frankie entered and confronted David, having just found out that he (Frankie) was on the short-list to be axed in the next round of hospital lay-offs. Frankie went home, where Randi was packing for her trip to Italy and vented to her about David. Frankie assured Randi that she should still go to Italy as planned.

Translation: David is a horrible person; Frankie spoke as if he were starring in a production of King Lear that required him to reach an audience sitting a mile away; Denise Vasi...looked pretty.

ABC Daytime Makes "What If?" Sound So Threatening!

The first three episodes of ABC Daytime and SOAPNet's new original web series What If...? are available for your viewing...for your viewing.

The stated premise: "What if your favorite ABC Daytime characters met?"

The actual premise: "Why should our favorite screen hogs only be given the chance to hog television screens? Computer monitors, here we come!"

I watched so that you don't have to. Unless you want to, which you might, because each video is only five minutes long and less offensive than watching full episodes of any of the soaps, which is hardly a ringing endorsement, but you know what I mean!

Erica Kane and Sonny Corinthos in Love in A Time of Claustrophobia

Erica, Erica Kane is ready to accept the prestigious Woman of the Year Award when she runs into Sonny Corinthos, who is in desperate need of an alibi. He stops their elevator and mauls her so that the elevator camera will capture them together.

Erica: You're Sonny Corinthos.
Sonny: Yeah.
Erica: You're in the news quite a bit for...what is it that you do?
Sonny: Coffee importer.
Erica: Right. And you need me for an alibi?
Sonny: I promise you I'll be your best friend.

That's the most chilling sentence I can conceive of.

Yea noise. Then I'll be brief. Oh happy dagger...

Yeah, it's gotten there.  We're in Shakespearean tragedy territory.  And before anyone starts throwing tomatoes at me (or before the many of you who've quit watching this rapidly deteriorating train wreck decide it must be time to go back), I don't mean that the show itself is of any quality resembling a Shakespearean tragedy, just that what's happened to it is tragic.  In an epic, Elizabethan sort of way.  Oh and also it was my pretentious way of saying this is going to be short.

The bright spot for months has been the Blair and Eli coupling, their dynamite chemistry, and the fact that this seemingly lovely guy was being decent to Blair -- finally!  But of course they've taken that away from us, so we really only have one bright, chemistry-laden spot left.  Go figure, it still belongs to Blair.

Tea and Blair, currently the most rootable love story on canvas.  Sure, they'd abandoned it a bit to have Todd and Tea and Dani and their ever-so-important family build inroads and be schmoopy, but we got a brief and delightful revisit yesterday.  I'm still assuming Tea isn't really going to die but, if she is, I hope she gets her act together in time to ask Blair to adopt Dani when the time comes.  That has to be where this is going, right?  And a kiss -- a real kiss -- right before she fades away, as Tea and Blair confess their true feelings to one another?

Yawn City, Pennsylvania

My mother (aside from getting caught up in Luke and Laura mania, which then extended to the rest of the ABC Daytime lineup. And I think she might have watched Santa Barbara) does not watch soap operas, but always asks me about the various goings-on in the world of daytime, because she tries to take an interest (or fake a reasonable facsimile thereof) in things that her kids are interested in. And it is always fun to recap certain soap stories to people who don't normally watch soaps, because they are so absurd ("Jason goes to prison to protect Michael, and then Michael gets out and Jason is like 'Oh, no', but as luck would have it, James Franco is back as stalker/artist/serial killer Franco and Jason gets OUT of prison to go find him". "Why him?" "Because Franco is OBSESSED with Jason". "..." "I know."), so she hears a lot about General Hospital and The Young and the Restless, but I am conspicuously silent on the topic of All My Children. Why? Because NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. And on the care occasions that something DOES happen, it CONTINUES TO HAPPEN, so we are treated to an endless loop of recycled scenarios and conversations.

All My Children is utterly and offensively boring, is what I'm trying to say. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the current storylines: