Serial Drama

Please Help Me Put This Into Words

On today's episode of General Holy God, Why Is This Happening? It's Only July 7th and You're Telling Me That I Am Going to Have To Sit Through Sonny Having Fits of Rage Whenever Someone Accuses Him Of Putting a Bomb In Johnny's Car (Which He Did, Because He's a Monstrous Fool) For The Entire Summer? I Think I Am Going To Projectile Vomit My Own Brain, Alexis and Olivia accused Sonny of putting a bomb in Johnny's car (which he did, because he's a monstrous fool). This is how he responded.

Alexis: I want a direct answer from you: did you plant that car bomb?
Sonny: Of course not...you see, this is what you do, Alexis. You blame me for everything. That's what Kristina does, too. I guess she gets it from you.

Olivia: I want to hear you say it.
Sonny: Who are you to demand the truth from me?
Olivia: I am the mother of your first born son! Now, you look me in the face and you swear on Dante's life that you did not do this.
Sonny: I swear on Dante's life that I didn't do it.

Serial Drama readers, this is where you come in: I literally have no idea how to respond to this, aside from "HATE. HAAAATE. H-A-T-E. HATE? HATE. HATE!" But I think you can do better. It's time for Mad Libs.

The [ADJECTIVE] General Hospital writers already made the [ADJECTIVE] decision to have Sonny put a bomb in Johnny's car and have made this [ADJECTIVE] story even worse by having people call Sonny out on this [ADJECTIVE] act and having his [ADJECTIVE], [SYNONYM FOR SHORT], ass react with anger, pointing the finger and acting like a [EXPLETIVE] sociopath. This show is so [SYNONYM FOR AWFUL] that it could make a [SOMETHING ADORABLE] [VERB]. And, disturbingly, I now have something in common with Sonny because I, too, know what it's like to want to [SONNYESQUE ACT OF VIOLENCE] to/at this show's [SYNONYM FOR STUPID] face. And now that I have publicly compared myself to Sonny, I need to go [INSERT YOUR PREFERRED METHOD OF ENDING IT ALL HERE].

Sorry, I Just Hallucinated

I have been fast-forwarding most of The Young and the Restless for the past month or so, because everything in it is either so boring or so irksome that I just don't have the wherewithal to deal with it. I mean, I've even started to dislike Jill! JILL! I usually watch a few seconds of a scene to decide whether or not it has any redeeming value (it usually doesn't--I usually finish an episode of the show in, like, ten minutes), but I don't even bother with scenes featuring Victor because, you know...horrible.

Today, though, I hit play too soon and got stuck with a Victor scene and I'm kind of glad/worried that I did, because he said something shocking:

Victor: I'm the one who brought Patty into town. If she is guilty, there's blood on my hands, as well.

DID THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN? I want so badly to believe that it did because FINALLY he owned up to the fact that he is a damn life-ruiner. But it is, like, obscenely hot outside and when it gets hot, I get tired, cranky and loopy. I kept trying to unlock my car today and didn't realize that I was hitting the lock button, and it went on for an embarrassingly long time. So I am afraid that I actually dreamed that brief, glorious line. If I did, though, please don't burst my bubble. I need this to be my heat wave moment of zen!

Ooooh! Such Pretty Fireworks!

Oh, was that not the point of yesterday's episode of One Life to Live?  Because I am working very hard to ignore the other points.

Where to begin.  Shall we start with the utterly mundane discussion between Rex and Gigi about whether or not he misses being a "bad boy?"  I can't really start there, I might fall asleep.

Or how about Jessica's big confession to Brody that she almost slept with Ford the night of the prom?  Nothing much there, other than the usual sweet utterances and dialogue overkill ("You would never hide the truth from me about anything ever in the world on earth in the universe for the rest of time, I just know it!"), though to be fair it culminated hilariously when Ford walked by and Brody turned into Ragey Soldier Brody and almost killed the poor guy (yep, I said "poor guy," the guy is starting to amuse me again in all his put-upon ways, what can I say).

Oh, oh!  And then there was that riveting scene between John, Natalie, Hannah, and Cole that truly sounded like a spoof of a soap opera instead of an actual soap opera.  Not only did they have the same conversation about thirty-five times during the course of the episode, I'm pretty sure they had the same conversation last week.  We also got the treat of someone who's been a forensic tech for about a day and a half actually leading the interrogation.  (Was this just a necessity because the "men" in the room are too stoic and broody to ask questions and have theories?)  It was seriously unbearable and came with stock melodrama lines like, "Why would I do it?" (cue cocky investigator attitude) "That was Step One!" (smirk, smirk)  And every segment ended with Hannah either threatening to tell them who killed John and Marty's baby, or threatening to not tell them who killed John and Marty's baby.  (And I ask why everyone is all of a sudden wringing their hands about the actual miscarriage, since the "whodunit" component seemed to be all that anyone but Marty cared about.)

And then there was some confusion about who Todd, our latest revived hero (puke), was actually supposed to be rescuing -- Nate or James or Dani or Starr.  But everyone eventually botched the situation enough to all need rescuing, resulting in a scene in which somehow all the (barn?) lighting disappeared and only the fireworks illuminated the scene.  I believe what happened next was some sort of a peculiar shovel/gun battle in which Bull was shot on purpose and James somehow got caught in the crossfire.  Did anyone else get the sense that the lighting was that way so that they could skip the fight choreography altogether and just sort of run around a lot?  It looked fun to do, I can say that much.

Or we could talk about the cousinly heart-to-heart between Blair and Kelly about Eli's marriage proposal, and totally uncoincidentally about Bennett Thompson, the man Kelly assumes killed her mother.  (Kelly assumes this because his name was on an apparently fire-proof slip of paper in a giant ceramic vase, and nothing says "This is the man who will kill me!" like slips of fire-retardant paper in vases.)

But really, the whole point of that was to underscore this big reveal (gasp!)...

Creepy point-of-view camera angle on Naked Ford!  He's talking to his attacker, who could it be?

Sympathy for the Devil

I understand that General Hospital must feel that the show's default "Sonny and Jason = right, always and forever" position of the past decade should be enough to keep audience sympathy firmly on Sonny's side, even when he practically gets his daughter blown up, but...oh my god. As soon as the smoke cleared, he was focused solely on covering his own ass and taking umbrage at Alexis's belief that it wouldn't be a good idea for Kristina to see him right away and yet...I feel like we're not supposed to despise him.

Sonny: This is on you, Johnny Boy.

Sonny: So, Johnny's been preying on Kristina, manipulating, taking advantage of her. So I went to see Kristina to save her from that twisted freak.
Ronnie: First cops on the scene said they heard Johnny accuse you.
Sonny: Okay, you know what? I don't care what you say, and what Johnny says, because he's a lying...because he's a lying piece of garbage and he'll say anything to save his own ass.

Sonny: No one could tie me to this, okay? If anyone knows I put that bomb in Johnny's car, I won't be able to see my daughter, you understand?

It would be the height of absurdity and completely out of character for Sonny to up and admit to police that he was behind this and make arrangements to go to Pentonville (although Mac probably wouldn't have believed that confession, because Mac is a bonehead. But goodness, it was unintentionally hilarious when Sonny was all, "Mac! We know each other!". Yeah, from opposite ends of the table in an interrogation room), but couldn't we at least have a scene of him looking appropriately guilty and torn up that he almost got his child killed? They couldn't have spared ten seconds between scenes of Dante being inept (why did he not have people watching Franco's mother's house? SERIOUSLY?) and Patrick being disgusting (he obviously didn't shower after his romp with Lisa, but I am hoping he at least took a swig of mouthwash before kissing Robin)?  All they needed to do was put Sonny in his office, tell Maurice Benard to try and perform a long division problem in his head, slap some glycerin tears on his cheeks, and voila--instant turmoil.

Sonny: Really, Alexis? You know what? Whatever you think is best. Don't shut me out of her life.

Listen up, troll: bad things happen when you are not shut out of your children's lives. Things like cops getting shot in the chest, and teenagers getting to prison and almost dying because of a car bomb. You are the worst.

Our Column in the 7/13 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

The latest issue of Soap Opera Digest is hitting newsstands now and in it is our latest My Take/My Take, Too column. This month, Mallory takes on All My Children and wonders what the deal is with repetitive dialogue (did you know that Tad thinks Damon's not so bad, and that everyone thinks Ryan is just the greatest?), unlikable characters, and Marissa in general. To the surprise of no one, she consulted a thesaurus numerous times to find synonyms for "boring". Becca, meanwhile, congratulates Days of Our Lives for the stellar send-off they gave Frances Reid and also talks about General Hospital. The words "congratulate" and "stellar" are notably absent in that section.

What a Cliffhanger That Was, Huh?

It's not that I'm surprised that Bob Guza ripped off his own acclaimed story by bringing a car bomb into the year 2010, since his entire career consists of coasting on Clink-Boom ("You haven't gotten your walking papers yet? How the hell not?" "Uh, remember Clink-Boom? That was all me?" "...a scene in the mid-90s probably shouldn't guarantee lifelong job security." "It was totally acclaimed".) What I AM surprised about is how surprised I am that it was so poorly done. You'd think I'd know by this barrel has no bottom.

Soap Opera 101 CLEARLY states (or it would clearly state, if it were a real class and I were the instructor) that a Friday episode should end on a shocking note, leading viewers to wish that Monday would hurry up and get there. Now, I'm not saying that there is anything really shocking about this car bomb situation, because it's become routine for Sonny to have a monumentally stupid idea that will have life-threatening consequences for at least one of his children, but really! To go from Johnny and/or Kristina going all explod-ey while Sonny cowered in the garage wondering how the hell he's going to be able to explain this one

to Jason and Dante questioning Woman We've Never Seen Before (AKA Franco's mother AKA James Franco's mother Betsy)* to a cleaned up Franco presenting Maxie with a flower** sort of lessened the impact dramatically.

Maybe General Hospital figured that the tragic consequences of Sonny's bomb had been so clearly telegraphed, what with Sonny growling three times an episode about how no one but Johnny could get hurt, that it wasn't surprising enough to count as a cliffhanger? And, really, I should be grateful that they didn't end the episode on Patrick and Lisa*** making the beast with two sets of seriously lame college stories****, because then I'd have gone blind and spending the holiday weekend blind is no one's idea of fun, so I suppose I should be thankful for the, um, palate cleanser of a car bomb and a serial killer...

*This was hugely dumb, but it did lead to Dueling Duh Faces

**It says a lot about how spectacularly his last stint failed and how little faith I have in this writing staff that even I, admitted James Franco fangirl, reacted to this with, "Oh, pretty. But ugh, this again?". Except I draw the "ugh" and the "again" out for a really long time to best express my disdain because REALLY. And if I, with cartoon hearts flying out of my head and bearing scars from seeing Nights in Rodanthe, am saying this, I can only imagine how everyone else feels.

***Ick nast.

****Is anyone else surprised that Lisa and Patrick's reminiscing on Friday didn't garner GH a TV-MA rating?! Talking about college kids drinking and having sex. Consider my pearls clutched! 

Fear and Loathing in Port Charles

If you asked me to describe the current climate of Port Charles in one word, that word would be "HATE". And, surprisingly, the hate wouldn't be my own hatred of the show (maybe that's implied at this point...?), but the open hatred the characters on General Hospital have for each other, and for law enforcement in particular. Spinelli hates Dante. Dante's not fond of Spinelli. Carly hates Dante. Tracy hates Luke. And, most notably, Sonny hates Johnny, Johnny hates Sonny and most of the town hates police officers and federal agents.

Watching Sonny, Michael, Sam and Molly gather at Alexis's and cackle giddily over Jason's release was...well, it was something else.

Molly: So, did you guys see the press conference about Jason's release? Did Claire Walsh look like she had a lemon stuck in her mouth or what?!
Sonny: Well, here's...the thing, that...must have made Claire Walsh...crazy, because Jason was her big...win and now Jason got...released.
Michael: I mean, I got to hand it to Diane for playing it for all it's worth. Congratulating the feds on admitting their mistake.
Molly: It was totally embarrassing.
Sam: Are you kidding me? I loved every minute of it.

I know that I've had, like, a decade to get used to this regime's overt and pathological disdain for the American legal system, so things like this shouldn't surprise me, but I find it so off-putting when the writers rope Molly into their plans to prop couples, and the mafia, like they're saying, "Out of the mouths of babes, y'all! If a kid hates the police, you have to, too!"

Then there is the ongoing feud between Johnny and Sonny, which is going to drive the bulk of this summer's stories, I'm sure. Johnny is doing all he can to push Sonny's buttons, although he needn't try so hard; Sonny is prone to violent reactions and so filled with hatred of Johnny that all Johnny has to do is say, "Sup, Sonny? Did you catch the Mets game last night?" and Sonny would scream something unintelligibly along the lines of, "DON'T YOU KNOW I LIKE THE YANKEES, YOU PIECE OF CRAP?"

But Johnny is actively needling him, doing things like alluding to sex with Kristina.

Johnny: I see you guys have a slamming tiramisu on the menu, and that's Kristina's favorite dessert. Must be the brandy. Loosens her up. Guess we'll have to resort to ordering in, huh? It's not that bad. Kristina likes eating at home anyway. Shorter distance to the bedroom...

Sonny responded by looking completely confused.

"Back up a second, you lost me after 'slamming'."

And then poured Johnny's pasta dish all over his lap and coming up with what he thought was a cutting comeback.

Sonny: You don't have to pay for that. Because it's on the house.
Johnny: Actually, it's on me. This isn't over!
Sonny: You got that right, Johnnyyyyyy.

1.) Weirdest delivery of Johnny's name ever 2.) Way to be intimidating! I know that his unusual calmness was because he was probably envisioning Johnny getting blown to smithereens and it was providing him with a moment of zen, but come on! He's destroyed innocent barware for far less serious infractions. 3.) When Sonny is plotting and has a dangerous secret he, for some reason, plasters a scary smile on his face at the most random times and I find it seriously disturbing.

 
 Hold me, I'm scared! Although, on the bright side, I only have to put up with the creepy smile for one more episode, because I know that the car bomb scheme is going to fail epically, bloodily and tragically and the smile will be replaced by an equally fake and creepy sad face for the next few months. "Can't wait!" 

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Remote Control

It was really sad for the last couple of weeks when OLTL wasn't airing at its regular time, or anywhere else for that matter.  Every day I'd come home and turn on the TV and the DVR would tell me it recorded my soap, but I pressed play and every time, every time they'd even have the OLTL opening credits, but it wasn't OLTL.  Don't get me wrong, there were a couple of familiar characters I'd been watching for years, characters like Matthew and Starr and I think even a little Viki thrown in for good measure, so I had no choice but to assume that it was clearly a new spin-off of my show. 

Yesterday they even gave me a little bit of Blair and Eli, but they seemed to be dropping some hints that Eli was involved in this whole Ford attempted-murder mystery in some sort of untoward way, and I just knew that wasn't possible.  So it was still the spin-off. 

Today, on the other hand, they seem to have merged the old show and this mysterious new teen spin-off version of OLTL because... I mean there was Dorian!  And Blair!  And Bo!  And Nora!  And David Vickers!  With his hooker played by that chick who used to play Greenlee on that other show!

Speaking of other shows, I need to have a few things broken down for me.  Starr and Random New Hot Teen Guy (they keep saying he's "James," so okay, I'll bite) went into some roadside diner to get some food (thankfully even after all their time on the run, sleeping in cars, she was in perfect makeup and her hair was well-styled -- I mean imagine the horror if on Tuesday she'd ended the show without perfectly coiffed hair for that embarrassing cell phone lullaby!) and in the background they were playing that grating "Just You & Me" song.  You know, the song they use as the theme song on that show that comes on after this to celebrate the prison phone sex and awkward love scenes between their staple insanely-hot chick and that weird puffy emotionless hero-slash-assassin dude?  Well, they played it for this couple:

Yeah, I'm saying "couple" already, 'cause duh.  I don't know if they'll go there beyond today's kissyface, but they're clearly dangling it, just in case people might be bored of Starr and Cole (good call?) or just in case they're trying to give them a new roadblock so everyone will start rooting for them again. 

The Best and Worst of the 2010 Daytime Emmys

We know what you're thinking: "There were BESTS at the Emmys?" "You're listing the worst parts of the Emmys?! How long is this entry going to be?" "You guys haven't repressed those horrible memories already?"

But like Brick Tamland loves lamp, we love list and could not resist the opportunity to list the good and the bad of the 2010 Daytime Emmys, if only because the good moments really do deserve a chance to be highlighted. And then, once those two sentences are written, we can get on to making the producers aware of their staggering, dangerous incompetence.

Worst Tribute: The Emmys Salute As the World Turns

We can't even, in good faith, refer to that as a tribute without scoffing and rolling our eyes dramatically. Devoting three minutes, at most, to a show that was on the air for 54 years and had a huge impact on daytime entertainment and pop culture in general (fun fact: Eileen Fulton's character provided inspiration to so many mothers across the country, including Mallory's grandmother, that Lisa became one of the most popular baby names from 1963-1976) (fun fact: Mallory is completely enamored with Fun Facts) is shameful. It's not like the show couldn't have cut a few minutes of Regis Philbin watch the audience respond to his poorly delivered jokes with awkward silence, or whittled down the advertisements for Cirque Du Soleil and The Blue Man Group (two things, incidentally, that became hugely popular IN THE '90s!).

Best Tribute: Agnes Nixon receives a Lifetime Achievement Award

It's a sad state of affairs when we are applauding a daytime-focused broadcast for taking a few minutes to honor a soap pioneer, but with the way the show had been going prior to the Lifetime Achievement Award, we were half expecting a repeat of the Lee Phillip Bell fiasco. Couldn't you have seen the camera panning to Agnes Nixon in the nosebleed seats and then cutting back to Regis as he introduced a performance from Yanni? But luckily we got a few sweet moments honoring a daytime icon and genius writer.

Biggest Absence: Tobias Funke

Sitting through The Blue Man Group was galling, because it had nothing to do with daytime and it was incredibly boring. If we HAD to watch this (and we shouldn't have had to because, as we hysterically noted multiple times on Sunday, it is 2010!), the least the show could have done was incorporated some Tobias! Although, to be fair, we think that most things in life would be improved with references to Arrested Development.

See? This post just got ten times better!

Most "Ohmigod, did we time travel? What year is it? How did we all time travel at the same time? Wasn't there time travel on Lost? If we watched Lost, would we know how to deal with this? What the hell is going on? Should we call 911? What would we say to the paramedics?" Moment: How do we choose just one because, really, this show heavily featured Chubby Checker and Erik Estrada?

One of us was completely unfamiliar with at least half of the people who graced the stage (and was roundly mocked by the other for her ignorance) and the other half reached their peak level of fame in the mid-70s. And while some of these so-called special guests could be explained away with the Dick Clark/Bandstand tribute, others defy reason. David Copperfield, for fuck's sake!