Bob Guza's tendency to watch a movie and immediately adapt it, badly, for his own nefarious, Jason-worshiping purposes, has become a running joke with General Hospital viewers. Well, perhaps "joke" isn't the right word choice there, as it implies that the situation involves humor. There is no humor here, just complete and utter sadness that this man has built an empire rewriting stories poorly. But you know what I mean: HBO airs a movie, Bob Guza catches it and thinks to himself, "Wouldn't it be awesome if that happened in Port Charles and included lines about what an amazing person Jason is?" and we wind up with Kate Howard Wears Prada, the saga of dueling police and mafia informants that I refuse to even describe as a rip-off of The Departed because that would require mentioning this show and The Departed in the same sentence and I just cannot even, and the upcoming Lisa Niles: Bunny Boiler.
I think he must have stumbled across Mean Girls at some point recently, too, because there was a whole lot of sass and venom on today's episode.
Spinelli, in particular, seemed like he was about ten seconds away from taking out his own Burn Book, which I'm sure would be named something utterly ridiculous, and writing a hateful screed about Dante. Although I don't think that any of his secret musings could be more disturbing and unsettling than what he admitted out loud and in front of someone today:
Spinelli: Dante might find himself in a crime scene photo of his own. Not that I would shed a tear.
Explain this to me as simply as possible, using small words and speaking slowly. Basically, pretend you're talking to Bob Guza: why should I not be repulsed beyond reason with Spinelli? Because where the show sees "adorable, zany sidekick", I see "Fuck the what?"
Spinelli isn't the only one who pitched a bitch today. When Maxie pointed out that Lucky showing up at the hospital when Elizabeth was in labor said volumes about his feelings about her, he lashed out:
Lucky: What I feel is my business, all right? Just leave it alone.
Maxie: All I was trying to say--
Lucky: Are you just looking for attention? What are you doing here? What, Spinelli is done making his life all about you, so you're insinuating yourself into mine?
Maxie: Okay. You asked me to go to that concert with you, because you wanted to move on. That was your idea. Don't take it out on--
Lucky: I have moved on.
Maxie: Oh, really? So what are you doing here?
Lucky: Well, anything's better than self destructing with you.
OUCH, right? They were both speaking the truth, really, but that was ice cold! Maxie reacted by changing into a tracksuit, eating ice cream and talking to her magazine. I probably would have reacted, well, like this:
Okay, I really just wanted a reason to post that .gif, because HOLY HELL, do I love James Frain. Franklin's scenes on last night's True Blood filled me with sheer joy. "Watch how fast I type 'mothafucka'!" SHEER JOY. Can we keep talking about True Blood and, like, Inception and other non GH-y things? Because the non GH-y world is so much more fun...
Lucky made up for his detour into the world of Regina George by dropping by Maxie's with sugar cookies and an apology and an admission that he still wishes the baby was his. And somewhere in Los Angeles, Bob Guza pumps his fist and shouts, "Foreshadowing, bitches!"
Speaking of foreshadowing...
Dante: I need Jason out of prison, or we're going to see a lot more dead bodies this time. Maybe even one of our own.
Now we can all start playing the "Is this the episode where Ronnie shows up dead?" game.
Picking up where we left off on Friday's episode, Sonny got in the newly remembered Warren Bauer's face about Kiefer. The confrontation was notable for the strident overacting on the part of the latter, and for the former's inability to remember his lines and attempting to buy himself some time by making overly emotional facial expressions. In a matter of seconds, Sonny was able to see into the sordid history of the Bauer family and assessed that Warren is an abusive pig.
Sonny: Abusers aren't...they aren't born, they're taught [actually, he said TOT, as in tater, but I think he meant "taught"]. You get hit enough, you eventually hit back.
Warren: More baseless accusations. I can see how Kristina comes by her lying so naturally.
Sonny: I can see the truth all over your face. You knew damn well that your son was capable of doing what he did to Kristina, and you did nothing. You wanna know why? Because you hit Kiefer first.
It was...not a good few minutes of acting.
Kristina and Sonny then discussed Sonny's newfound compassion for Kiefer, and Sonny said if Kiefer were still alive that he'd try to get him help and you could almost hear the Full House audience say "Awww".
Remember when he almost got her blown up, like, ten minutes ago? Yeah.
What I am about to say is shocking. I never thought that my fingers would be able to type these letters, in this precise order, but: the scenes with Nikolas and Liz as their son was born were almost sweet.
Please don't think that this means I am at all on board with Nik and Liz romantically, because DISGUST. The pairing continues to be all sorts of wrong and all sorts of ew, but Aiden's birth marked the first time that Tyler Christopher and Becky Herbst were in a scene together without projecting boredom (him) and utter revulsion )(her). It was suprising! And their discussion about naming the baby was cute.
Elizabeth: There's only one problem.
Nikolas: Problem? What? He has ten fingers, ten toes. I swear, I counted three times.
Elizabeth: He doesn't have a name. Did you come up with any?
Nikolas: Uh, I wasn't sure that you wanted my opinion on the subject.
Elizabeth: I'm sorry for shutting you out. So what do you want to name him?
Nikolas: Spencer suggested we call him Buzz Lightyear?
Elizabeth: Buzz Lightyear Cassadine?
Nikolas: It's easier to pronounce than most of the names in my family.
Elizabeth: Well, it'd definitely get Cam and Jake's vote but I think we should go for something a little more traditional. I don't want social services showing up at my house.
Nikolas: How about we name him after your father?
Elizabeth: Jeff Cassadine?
You really have to give ABC credit for continuing to pimp Toy Story 3, which is already a box office sensation and an instant classic that I loved more than words can express. I admire their desire to go the extra mile!
The fact that Aiden's hospital bracelet ends with 66 can only mean that he is going to wind up as a pawn in Franco's latest game, which is...utterly unsurprising. Bad things happen to babies in this town! I mean, it's a miracle that his birth was so uncomplicated, especially since Kelly delivered him (did anyone else squawk with indignant laughter when Robin described Kelly as "capable" the other day? Capable compared to what, Robin? A tree stump? Actually, she doesn't even hold up compared to a tree stump, because the tree that babysat Emma performed ADMIRABLY last winter). Naturally, being kidnapped (? maybe? Probably?) by a madman is coming up.
Speaking of Franco, today we watched Franco watching scenes from Franco's last go-round. For more than two minutes. I once opined that I would watch James Franco sit and stare at the wall; that was just a figure of speech, GH, it wasn't a dare.
Lastly, TV Guide did an interview with Bob Guza about Brenda's return. Mostly, it tells us what we already know (Brenda will interact with Sonny, Jax and Jason? Shocker! Actually, the part about her interacting with Jax is kind of shocking), but there was one line that was just so telling:
Bob Guza: I love the way this whole thing is setting up.
Does your arm have a cramp from so vigorously patting yourself on the back, tool? You're the one setting it up! UGH, hate!