The Very Definition of Damning With Faint Praise
"Patrick cheating on Robin with Lisa" is a storyline that I have hated on principle ever since Lisa Niles came to town practically accompanied by a neon caption trumpeting "She is going to cheat with Patrick" but curiously devoid of a personality.
It's not that I am so devoted to Patrick and Robin as a couple (although I do love them, when they are being written in character. Obviously, my love took a leave of absence early last year) that I am unwilling to accept an infidelity story; as I have mentioned here and an upcoming Soap Opera Digest column, infidelity stories are a tried and true soap trope, so OF COURSE General Hospital, a show that is unoriginal under the best of circumstances, is going to go that route. It's just that they went that route in the laziest way possible, the directions for the route in question being "Go straight on Character Assassination Lane. Turn right on Appalling Lack of Chemistry Between The Characters Doing the Hooking Up Street. Take the second exit on the traffic circle for Wild And Crazy College Stories--Oh My GOD Can You Believe Patrick and Lisa Used To Drink Alcoholic Beverages and Have Sexual Intercourse? That's Like, Soooo Crazy! Avenue."
And I find it wholly ridiculous that Lisa, who was able to have a life and function in society after she and Patrick broke up IN COLLEGE, has sex with him once and dives headfirst into the land of the nutbars.
Lisa: I can taste you on this cup.
Lisa: Or do you only have trysts in the supply closet with your wife? This is the part where you try to convince me that we don't have a good thing and then I do that thing that you like so much and prove you wrong.
Lisa, surprising Patrick half naked in an empty room: Don't worry, Sweet Robin doesn't need to know.
Patrick: Stop it. Enough.
Lisa: You're in danger of becoming a very dull boy.
Patrick: You know what? I've tried to be nice. Have some self respect.
Lisa, hauling off and slapping him: Okay, you don't use me and then throw me away.
Patrick: If that's what it takes to get through to you, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Lisa: You don't do what we did and then turn around and act like I mean nothing to you.
I mean, I know the mind of Bob Guza well enough to know that he thinks, "I saw this movie called Fatal Attraction last night, and it was awesome, so..." counts as character development, but really.
And it's more than a little uncomfortable and pathetic for Robin to be uttering lines like this, knowing what we know that she doesn't know.
Robin: You can't keep secrets from me.
Robin: You're such a good dad and a wonderful husband. Do you know how blessed we are?
Robin: I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me, and how much I depend on you and I love you so much.
This is the most entertaining, enjoyable part of the show, which either means that this story, for all of its faults, is still soapy, or that the rest of the show is tremendously dull and offensive and this seems, like...decent in comparison.
Considering that the rest of the show gave us:
- Dante and Lulu again some more, because a day without these two would, apparently cause mass fatalities on account of all of our broken hearts. "Oh, no! No Dante and Lulu today! But I haven't seen them in 24 whole hours! Noooooo!"
- Lulu blissfully unaware that one of her brothers was shot, and that her newborn nephew was kidnapped.
- Spinelli just being...the worst.
- Michael (who, really, has been through enough and should be exempt from these kind of horrors) playing marriage counselor for Carly
- Sam suggesting that--nay, begging for Jason to leave Port Charles forever--"Leave now and never look back" being her exact words, which irks because 1.) it's so good to know that her relationship with her mother and sisters means something! and 2.) why does this show tantalize me with the prospect of Jason leaving? I know it will never happen, but whenever that possibility is floated, I still find myself having glorious daydreams about a Jason-less Port Charles.
- Johnny ONCE AGAIN telling the tale of why he and Sonny hate each other, in great detail, eating up screentime that could have gone to a story we haven't lived through and then heard about in detail on the regular. He has told this story so many times that he even has an overly dramatic opening line, a line that I think a truly awful mystery I wrote in sixth grade also started with! "It's hard to remember exactly where it all started", he said in a well-practiced and theatrical voice, as I reached for the remote to fast-forward him. If he went on to tell the story not of the Corinthos/Zacchara feud, but of a woman coping with the suicide...OR WAS IT???? of her husband, I am calling plagiarism!
So, yeah, I'm leaning towards Option B.