Yawn City, Pennsylvania
My mother (aside from getting caught up in Luke and Laura mania, which then extended to the rest of the ABC Daytime lineup. And I think she might have watched Santa Barbara) does not watch soap operas, but always asks me about the various goings-on in the world of daytime, because she tries to take an interest (or fake a reasonable facsimile thereof) in things that her kids are interested in. And it is always fun to recap certain soap stories to people who don't normally watch soaps, because they are so absurd ("Jason goes to prison to protect Michael, and then Michael gets out and Jason is like 'Oh, no', but as luck would have it, James Franco is back as stalker/artist/serial killer Franco and Jason gets OUT of prison to go find him". "Why him?" "Because Franco is OBSESSED with Jason". "..." "I know."), so she hears a lot about General Hospital and The Young and the Restless, but I am conspicuously silent on the topic of All My Children. Why? Because NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. And on the care occasions that something DOES happen, it CONTINUES TO HAPPEN, so we are treated to an endless loop of recycled scenarios and conversations.
All My Children is utterly and offensively boring, is what I'm trying to say. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the current storylines:
- Caleb and Erica: Remember that time that Erica's plane crashed on Caleb's house? You're nodding your head yes, right? And thinking to yourselves, "Of course I remember it, it happened a couple of weeks ago. I'm not Guy Pearce in Memento." Well, AMC thinks that you ARE Guy Pearce in Memento (actually, what they probably think is that we're stupid) and has decided to remind us of this whenever Caleb and Erica are onscreen. Caleb, it must be noted, is horrible in every way and being related to Palmer does nothing to change that. Erica, for her part, becomes increasingly unlikable whenever she's with him. And while the Dorothy quip was funny the first--no, it wasn't ever. Never mind.
- JR/Annie/Scott/Marissa: If it were just a JR/Annie/Scott triangle, I wouldn't be so put off. Jacob Young and Marissa Claire Egan spark like crazy, and the Annie and Scott together are...fine. Okay, I just really want Scott to have a story, and if it need to be a love triangle, so be it. But when Marissa is thrown into the equation, I can practically hear my interest evaporate. Annie and JR's scenes this week could have been great, but I was unable to fully appreciate them because I kept remembering that Marissa would blandly waltz into a scene and murmur something boring.
- Greenlee and David: Similarly, I want to enjoy David and Greenlee. I do! But how can I, when Rylee is lurking off-screen like a horror movie villain? Whenever I find myself getting caught up in their relationship and hoping for an awesome future, I start to hear the Jaws theme song. Except instead of "Dun, dun...", I hear, "Douche, douche..."
- Angie and Jesse: Remember when Angie and Jesse returned to Pine Valley, and their reunion was all sorts of magical and could serve as a primer for how to do soap operas the right way? The ensuing years, and ensuing writers, were not kind to the Hubbards. No, I should rephrase that--the ensuing years, and ensuing writers, have made it so the Hubbards are not kind to us. How horrible have Angie and Jesse been lately?
- Damon: Grossness.
- Ryan: Douching it up, douchily.
I mean, really. Is there any reason one should tune into this show? It's not even so bad it's good. It's "so bad, it's time for me to change the channel and watch Home Alone, which I am slightly ashamed of. Because it's out of season, not because it's a bad movie."