Serial Drama

Smug People and Drugged People

Pretty much every single aspect of the "Brook Lynn drugs Dante because she needs money and because Carly's idea of a 'master revenge plan' includes pimping someone out in order to create romantic discord" is loathsome. I mean, let's just break that sentence apart, okay?

Brook Lynn--who,can I remind you, is the daughter of NED and LOIS, and the granddaughter of TRACY. Cue the General Hospital writers saying, "Well, you said you wanted more Quartermaines, so...?"--

drugs Dante--I think the only two words to describe that are "UGH" and "abhorrent". I mean, honestly, it doesn't matter that she didn't have sex with him while he was out; she still drugged her so-called lifelong friend--

because she needs money--she can't touch her trust, right? And she doesn't want to go to Edward and get money from him, since it would come with all sorts of crazy conditions. For me, if the choice is between being micro-managed or becoming a seducer for hire, I'm going with the micro-management--

and because Carly's idea of a 'master revenge plan' includes pimping someone out in order to create romantic discord--STUPID.

There is all sorts of what-the-fuckery in every level of this storyline, and now that we've moved onto the fallout portion, it's only getting worse, because what we're getting from Brook is smug face.

Is there anything more irritating than a soap character being accused of something that they actually did and reacting with outrage and condescension? The answer is...well, probably there is, yeah, but this is also seriously irksome.

Maxie: I'll bet money I know what happened last night: you called Dante at Jake's, had this sob story, claimed you needed to talk to your old friend from Bensonhurst. He got there, you drugged his drink and tried to take advantage of him.
Brook: I expected so much more from you, Maxie. I mean, come on. We were drugged together in college. I don't have to drug men to to be with me. That's something you would have to do.
Maxie: Oh, but you did have to drug him, Brook Lynn. Because liquor wouldn't have been enough. You could poor vodka down his throat for six straight hours and he still wouldn't have been interested in a slut like you.
Brook: You want the facts? Dante had one beer and he invited me back to his place. And I couldn't leave him alone. He was lonely and Lulu doesn't understand him.
Maxie: Are you serious? Is that the best excuse you could come up with?
Brook: Yeah, well, it's the truth.

It's not that I expect Brook to be so filled with guilt or shame that she immediately comes clean about the fact that she is a whirling dervish of destruction and skank, but if she could dial the smugness down a notch or twelve, it would make this more bearable. Only slightly more bearable, but still.

The only silver lining, and it's a small one, is that I am seriously enjoying Maxie in fiercely protective friend/knowledgeable ex-homewrecker mode. I love that she knew exactly what went down between Dante and Brook Lynn, and that she's inherently suspicious of Lisa because she knows, from experience, what it looks like to be a deranged schemer (I think she could use all of her poor life decisions for good and become a seriously successful relationship guru for others) and I also loved:

Maxie: You say one more thing about Lulu and I will personally rip all of the hair out of your head.

Do it, Maxie, do it!

On A Couple of Couples

In the midst of JR and Marissa and Scott and Annie having the same exact conversations for the, like, tenth consecutive week, and Damon and Colby being offensively lame, and Ryan continuing to make us all miserable with his existence, All My Children has also given us some prime Zach and Kendall, and Jesse and Angie scenes. It's highly likely that you reacted to the above statement with shock and maybe even suspicion. But it's true!

Whether you love Kendall or hate her, adore Zach or abhor Zach, I think we call allagree that the writing (or should I say "writing"?) (Even with sarcastic airquotes, doesn't that still seem like too generous a way to describe the pathetic attempt at storytelling All My Children has become famous for in recent years?) (Not real world famous, because duh) they received from numerous AMC writing regimes has been terrible and repetitive, at best. Kendall was often a neurotic, bad decision making factory; Zach made a host of bad decisions himself and had a habit of treating everyone with misplaced contempt. Their bad decisions and--pardon me for using the word that I wished would be banned from their vocabularies--betrayals were like an escalating series of attempts to top the other, and it was mostly terrible.

Marching On (to the Inevitable)

Okay, so now Greg is in on all of Evil Eli's Dastardly Deeds?  And the Deeds involve Tea?  Or does Eli just have something on Greg?  Does Greg know who Eli is?  I don't get it and I don't want to get it.  And I have a headache.

However, I maintain that Tea and Greg still have some serious chemistry.  Meanwhile, I could've done without the whole Tea-watches-the-same-meteor-shower-as-Todd-and-Dani business.  Laying it on a little thick there, One Life!  All we needed was a little Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram duet swelling underneath the images.  ("And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome... lullaby...")

Also, it's become unbearably obvious that she's not actually going to die.  I am spoiler-free, but please.  So they can cool it with the sap since it'll turn out completely unearned.

Shaun appearance!  I do so adore him.  But somehow even though he's been in back-to-back episodes in a major way and having a big ethical dilemma, I doubt we'll get to see much more of him.

I just love that teddy bear.  He'll be heartbroken when he learns his brother is in cahoots with the Most Evil Living Human.

Oh yeah, speaking of He Who Evils The Hardest, more and more people are finding out, John has had his suspicions confirmed by Hannah and is taking action, and even Blair is starting to have a doubt or two.  This perhaps means this story will be wrapping up soon?  I think September has a little mini-sweeps, but really the next one that seriously counts is November, so I imagine they'll find more ways to make this snowball (I'm guessing a fugitive complication?) for a while longer.  Um, yay.  Because really?  Why wouldn't they want to ruin this?

Who Needs "Organic Storytelling" When You Can Just Have Characters Act Hopelessly Dumb Instead?

I think it's time for Robin Scorpio to have another inappropriate conversation with the shirtless chief of staff, this time to implore him to move her husband to a part of the hospital where he isn't operating on people's brains or holding sharp implements. Because seriously, idly standing by and allowing this nitwit to perform surgery has to be in violation of all sorts of medical ethics!

Patrick: Not only did you break into my house, you cut my wife's face out of our wedding photo. It's sad and it's sick and it has to stop.
Lisa: Something will, that's for sure. So Robin's gone for a few days and you don't trust yourself alone with me in the same room? I get it, all right? You feel guilty.
Patrick: The only thing I feel for you right now is anger. You broke into my house and you mutilated a wedding photo. That's borderline stalker and if it keeps up, I will call the cops.

 
BORDERLINE STALKER? The only thing that borders is the line between Lunacy and Dementia.

Lisa, relieved that she's dealing with a moron and doesn't need to work hard to think of a plausible explanation for her creepy behavior, comes back with something completely half-assed.

Lisa: Okay, do you hear yourself? Why would I cut up a picture of Robin, all right? I mean, are you sure this isn't another instance of a little wife wanting to get attention?
Patrick: Robin would never do that.
Lisa: Are you sure? Because when was the last time you looked at that picture? Maybe Robin isn't as clueless as you think. Maybe she knows we slept together and she's not handling it well.

Patrick had no response to this, either because:

• He simply couldn't follow her train of thought. "She's right. Why WOULD she cut up a picture of Robin...?"
• He realized that this was a load of crap that Lisa obviously cribbed from ABC Family's most recent airing of Mean Girls, inspired by Regina creating her own Burn Book page, and was then too busy chuckling at the way Tim Meadows said "Why would Regina refer to herself as a fugly slut?" to have a snappy comeback.
• The writers thought to themselves, "Eighty seconds of these two is more than enough for one episode. Moving on!"

ALSO, I enjoyed how intricate Lisa's hair was! It totally works with my theory that the crazier Lisa becomes, the more time she spends having evil conversations with herself in the mirror as she crafts elaborate hairdos.

Sucks So Good: True Blood 3.9, "Everything Is Broken"

This latest episode of True Blood had me clapping my hands with glee and staring at my television like so:

It was awesome, is the point that I am trying to make. After the jump, thoughts about "Everything is Broken". And exclamation points! Lots and lots of exclamation points!

Twinsies Sharing Everything!

I have to admit that yesterday's One Life to Live had some nice directorial moments (in lovely contrast to the blocking of the Ford Family "reveal" scenes the other day that I so kindly complained about).  Natalie and John had several cutesy talking-about-baby scenes with Brody almost always somewhere in the frame:

This storyline is probably the best thing going on the show right now, but it's unfortunate that its most recent turn shifted it from four people in relatively sympathetic situations (as much as I can ever muster up any sympathy for John McBain) into "lying liars who lie" territory.  Natalie's now told Brody about her pregnancy and that it might be his, and while he now wants to come clean, she's demanding that he go along with her ruse that it's John's.  Her reasoning for the secrecy as explained to Brody is, quite frankly, not good enough for me.  Jessica's sanity is at stake?  Jessica lost her sanity when her husband died in front of her and then again when her biological father gave her shock treatment and tried to rape her.  Situations that would risk the reality grasp of the majority of us not burdened by a collection of alter egos with special props to denote their significance.  I don't think "my boyfriend and sister got wasted and hooked up one night when I was (maybe) having sex with someone else" is the same kind of trauma.  I'm also not sure what Nat's plan is once she is able to find out who the father is, but for now it seems like she's just decided that if she insists it's John's baby, it won't matter.  Sure, maybe for John -- but Brody doesn't seem like the type to have a little son or a daughter running around and just pretend he or she is someone else's.  Also, if the child grows up to have piercing blue eyes, fair hair and ridiculous abs, and is somewhat pocket-sized, well... won't someone notice?  I think they'd have to when they were expecting someone dark-haired and brooding and unwilling to offer up anything emotionally to anyone.

And someone is going to need to explain to me "Your sister will love sharing this with you," and then, "No pun intended, ha ha!"  Where was the pun?  Didn't the sentence mean that the two of them are sharing the experience of pregnancy together?  Was it a slip-up on Nat's part because of what else they might be "sharing?"

As an addendum, I simply couldn't let the day go by without mentioning the official acknowledgment of Blair Cramer as Mother to All Llanview's Children in Need.  I had to laugh at Viki's wording when, upon learning from Todd that Tea had asked Blair to be Dani's mother, Viki said that Blair is a wonderful mother to "all the children."  Not all her children, just all the children.  So true.

Happy Friday the 13th.  Be careful.  Destiny out!

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Apologies for our lateness in bringing you our column in the August 10th issue of Soap Opera Digest. It's just that SOD is so small and it sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of the...um, let's just say "many" instead of giving an actual, embarrassing number. It sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of the many, larger magazines we subscribe to. This issue wound up inside Marie Claire! Anyway, read on for our thoughts on General Hospital and Days of Our Lives. --Mal and Bec.

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

GENERAL HOSPITAL's cast is one of the best in all of daytime, and my respect for all of the actors grows every day because I am so impressed that they manage to film their scenes without breaking the fourth wall and apologizing to the audience or holding up little "Help me!" signs. Can I be blunt? The show is a mess.

2010 has been a wretched year for Sonny Corinthos: In a move that was a poor knockoff of a much better story, he wound up injuring his daughter with a car bomb intended for his rival. He also participated in a cover-up that directly led to his teenage son being sent to prison and, you might remember, shot another of his sons in the chest. One of those stories could have been compelling, but THREE of them? That crossed the line from "soapy" into "this kind of off-the-wall ridiculousness is why people make fun of soap operas." And it's not like we got anything like character growth or introspection out of these various traumas: no, Sonny is still the same angry blowhard we all know and abhor, just with new messes of his own making to rant about on-screen every day, every week, every month.

The Return of the Queen

What happens when one of our favorite soap characters in the history of daytime television (if you didn't read that sentence in an overly dramatic Tyra Banks voice, we are disappointed in you!) makes a completely secretive, under the radar return to General Hospital? What happens is too much excitement for one person to handle, so we decided that the only prescription for Brenda-mania is tag-teaming this episode.

Becca: Hi!
Mallory:  Hey!
Becca: I am armed with java chip ice cream and an extremely high tolerance for bullshit, and therefore feel fully prepared to watch this.
Mallory: Spoken like a woman who has learned from experience!
Mallory:  I come with way, way too much excitement and a sad feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am going to be let down in a huge and embarrassing way
Becca: That sad feeling comes from the same place of experience that caused me to hit the freezer for reinforcement prior to sitting down for this.
Mallory:  Before we jump in, let's predict: will we see Brenda before the last five minutes of the episode? If we do, will she act completely out of character? And will Maurice Benard make it through a sentence in less than eight minutes?
Becca: I love it when you ask questions that a toddler could answer with ease.
Mallory: I think that's why little kids like me so much, because I am good at thinking on their level.
Mallory:  Dare we begin?
Becca: We dare.

Mallory:  Oooh, we're in Italy. Will Guza follow in The Jersey Shore's footsteps and make a mockery of an entire culture?
Becca: I thought he's already done that with Puerto Rico? That gorgeous "city"?
Becca:  Holy shit, she's already onscreen.  That was unexpected.
Mallory: What a coincidence that this petite brunette whose face we haven't seen is on the show the same day that Brenda returns! Imagine that!
Becca:  Can we please fast forward through Sonny and Claire making out and Claire appearing to beg him to impregnate her? It makes me feel pukey.
Mallory: "Go upstairs and make a baby"? BRB, googling "Quickest way to deafen self"
Becca: Ew.  I fear that is one of those things that's going to become an earworm that I can't stop no matter how much I want to.  Like Katy Perry's "California Gurls." 
Mallory: Everything about Sonny and Claire makes me uncomfortable. You'd think an overactor and a...let's call him an under-actor (I'm in a good mood tonight!) would balance each other out, but you'd be wrong. Almost as wrong as this kiss.
Becca: There are armed conflicts that are less wrong than this kiss.

Mallory:  And Brenda's in the credits already?  So many of my (admittedly low) expectations have already been surpassed!
Becca: Didn't it take them like a year to get the last dead person out of there?
Mallory: The strange shot of all of the GH men was the worst. Justus was in there for about a decade after he died.
Mallory: Remember Justus?
Mallory: Bob Guza doesn't.
Becca: And can we keep discussing this right through this continuing Clare and Sonny scene? The graphics, the music, the odd order of actors...?
Mallory: ...the strange background action, like someone almost getting run down by an ambulance? Yes, I'd like to keep talking about this and ignoring the ick.
Becca: Excellent.

Becca:  Now back in Italy with the Italian-speaking randoms who are supposed to be "disguising" Brenda or whatever....You know, this show would be greatly improved on a daily basis by subtitles:  "In this scene you are supposed to feel bad for the professional hitman."  "You are not correct to think Sam is being clingy and also should really finally ask who her father is."  "Please stop focusing on Maxie's hair."
Mallory: I'm with Lucky: brooding in a rainstorm is the only way to go.

Becca: I enjoy brooding in a variety of climates. I'm very good at it.

Everything I Know About Police Procedure, I Learned From Law & Order

TECHNICALLY, General Hospital fulfilled two of my long hoped for wishes: Lucky's been given more screentime than a dayplayer, and Jason didn't swoop in to save Aiden heroically, albeit emotionlessly. I just always envisioned these wishes playing out onscreen less...terribly.

Now, I am no expert on police protocol, but it seems to me that, somewhere over the course of yesterday's episode, Lucky should have:

1. Called the local authorities and/or the FBI for backup, because...isn't that just what's done? I swear, the BAU on Criminal Minds is called in for far less than a kidnapped baby in some episodes.

2. Alerted some sort of law enforcement, any sort of law enforcement, that Franco's mother had the baby. "What's important is that the mother of an unbalanced serial killer/kidnapper/artist gave the baby back to me with very few questions asked. Clearly, this is a gal who has her head on straight! We don't need to waste time asking her where her son could possibly be. That would seriously cut into the time I've allotted myself to have an adorable, emotional heart-to-heart with this infant."

3. I don't know, texted a picture of this baby to Nikolas and/or Elizabeth to confirm that he was, in fact, Aiden! What the hell?! I'd suggest doing something crazy like a DNA test, but we obviously can't have police and medical professionals being competent in one story (well, Lucky acted borderline competently here. And for a cop in GH to even be granted that luxury is pretty impressive. Plus, a DNA test now would totally interfere with the shocking paternity reveal story that is coming at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, because Lucky and Nikolas's hearts will be broken the longer this goes on).

4. Maybe called Nik and Elizabeth to tell them that their son was safe! That would have completely ruined his dramatic entrance, but it would have saved them quite a few hours of heartache AND it would have spared Cam, Spencer and Jake a tremendously awkward conversation.

Nikolas: Okay, uh, so something happened at the hospital.
Elizabeth: Aiden was taken out of the nursery, guys.
Cameron: Where is he?
Nikolas: That's just it, buddy. We don't know where he is.
Elizabeth: But that's for now. It's only for now.
Nikolas: Yeah, Lucky's trying to find him.
Elizabeth: Your daddy's out looking for him and he's going to bring him home. And until then, we just have to say lots of prayers, okay?

Nikolas was so obviously out of his depth here! And, really, these kids have experienced enough in their short lives that all Nik needed to do was say, "You know how we live in Port Charles and how sometimes that means that terrible, violent things happen to us during sweeps periods?" One of them, probably Cam, would say, "Let me guess: he's been kidnapped" and Jake would point out that, while it's natural for them to be nervous, everything would work out fine, and, judging by his posture, Spencer would say something incredibly eloquent.

But, no, Lucky kept the baby's safety a secret. I hope Cam is like, "The hell, Dad?"

I'm not surprised that this was written as shoddily as it was; I'm just crabby about it. And doubly crabby that ABC aired classic, Brenda-centric episodes today that, while entertaining, only served to remind me that (a) over half of the people in the credits are now dead and (b) that this show has fallen. Fallen hard.

There's a Thin Line Between Hate and More Hate

Oh so much happened today.  A huge secret was revealed that rocked people's worlds, that changed four characters' lives forever.  Forever!  Punches were thrown!  Insults were hurled!  Forgiveness was begged!  Excuses were made!  Do you think if I use enough exclamations points I'll eventually muster up some investment in this storyline?  It was so dramatic!

Stop, stop, he's your brother, you're all brothers!  Oh no!  (Zzzzzz.....)

I'm going to be fair and say it was almost worth it for this reaction shot.  Almost.

And just in case anyone's confused, this woman --

-- this woman is supposed to be a mother of three sons somewhere between the ages of fifteen and twenty-five.  This woman.  Bore these children:

Puberty hits young where she's from, I suppose.  I mean I've been to Dayton, Ohio, but I truly don't remember any pregnant nine-year-olds.  I really would 'fess up if I had.