Songs In The Key of CRAZY
If you had told me a few months ago that I would be considering writing an ode to Lisa Niles, a character that I couldn't even think about without feigning the most dramatic of yawns, a move that was theatrical for theatricality's sake because it's not like any of you could actually see me doing the yawning, I would have scoffed in your face. Mostly because I have openly admitted that I am incapable of poetry writing, but also because: there was nothing about her worthy of even the vaguest positive commentary. I mean, what, was I supposed to write a sonnet about her days as an alcohol drinking, sex having college student? I could have titled it, "The Majority of College Students, Ever".
But her--and it needs to be said: RIDICULOUS. Because losing her marbles after one romp with Patrick and losing them so spectacularly that she went full-on dangerous in about eight minutes is just so completely lame. THIS is the kind of story a soap should be dragging out; Brenda and Murphy's sole conversation is not, but we'll get to that later--fall of the rails has been so tremendously entertaining to watch that I feel deflated when the show cuts away to any of the other "stories" currently "unfolding".
When Patrick rebuffed her crazy offer to rationalize his behavior for him and she walked away only to lurk at him from afar, I actually giggled.
And then when she paused for a minute to review her options and decided to JUMP ON THE HOOD OF ROBIN'S CAR, I flaily-hand clapped with delight.
Oh, Lisa, you nutty ho! You are such a happy (and obvious; the General Hospital writers stumble onto this kind of awesomeness rarely and unintentionally) accident.
Who knew that all you needed to do to make Brianna Brown interesting was to let her go crazy? Actually, I knew that, a little, based on her guest spot on Criminal Minds where she played a crazy high-class hooker, but the point is: she's been so enjoyable to watch. I love how Lisa is spouting these insane things with the measured calm of someone convinced that she's the voice of reason.
Lisa: Hey. Looks like you could use a friend.
Lisa: Okay, and I don't doubt that, but being married to her made you miserable, because you went from this fun-loving guy to picking fights with almost everyone that you came across.
Patrick: Because every time I turn around, you were pulling some stupid stunt. Do you realize what you've done? I mean, you broke into my house. You stole Robin's HIV meds. You cut her picture out of our wedding photo. Damn it, Lisa, you stole my baby out of our house.
Lisa: The reason that you are so angry is because you are relieved that your marriage is over.
While she flies high in the sky of crazy, Robin and Patrick's reactions to this entire fiasco are grounded and so so realistic that you almost have to cringe.
Aside: you also have to seriously covet Robin's sweater. Or at least you do if you have a cardigan fetish like me.
GH often drives me to retail therapy.
But back to Patrick and Robin: Robin is continuing to throw facts back in Patrick's face.
Robin: Don't you dare let Lisa off the hook that easily. She has been after you ever since she came to town, flirting with you, scrubbing in on your surgeries. I mean, you made me believe that I was paranoid, that she was just your friend, and then I felt so stupid for being insecure. I mean, then you went, and you slept with her the first chance you got.
Patrick: It's not--
Robin: She broke into our house, she stole my meds, she stole our daughter, and she was so sick this entire time, but you never bothered to warn me of that. What is wrong with you? How could you even be with a woman like that?
How did Patrick react to that truth-telling? Did you guess "petulantly"? Ding ding ding! He totally did.
Patrick: We weren't in the best place before you went to Africa. I didn't want you to go, and I tried to be supportive, but you just kept pushing me away. You told me that I didn't understand. I mean, you know what it's like to live in the shadow of Stone?
Robin: Oh ho ho!
Patrick: Robin, I always feel like I never measure up to him.
Robin: How can you even say that?
Really, spouting that kind of half-assed inanity with a straight face makes it clear that Patrick has more in common with Lisa than a fondness for booze and hooking up.
The trip to Africa was, actually, problematic: the writers totally phoned in a reason to get Robin off-screen to facilitate Kimberly McCullough's absence and they did so by having Robin make the kind of decision that couples should probably make together. But HOW FUCKING PETTY. "I never wanted to cheat on you! But then you went ahead and devoted a few weeks to helping people with AIDS and it's just like, god, do you know how that made me feel? You left your husband to go save the world. What was I supposed to do?!"
And then he threw Stone into the mix. I find his pathological insecurity about Stone to just be embarrassing, really, although I see why he might be concerned. Nobody in Port Charles aside from Robin even acknowledges that they've dated people before their current partner, who is always their truest love to ever be true, so he might think it's strange, but...ugh. It does him no favors.
Even calling Patrick in an emotional moment, after finding a special toy of Emma's, was realistic. I mean, I doubt that the writers were really concerned with realism here and mostly just needed a reason for Robin to be driving in order to have Lisa FLING HERSELF ONTO THE HOOD OF THE CAR, but I've been there. I have always been horrible at cutting people out of my life for good or giving an indefinite silent treatment, so I totally felt her there.
And then I felt GIDDY about Lisa's latest terrible plan. I am actually excited to tune in on Monday. Imagine that!
Friday's show crashed to a screeching halt whenever it went to the rest of the stories. You could almost hear a faint, sad trombone sound during the scene transitions.
JASON AND SAM are having a shootout and reminiscing about all of the other times they were in mortal peril. Or at least that's the gist I've gotten from the few seconds their scenes have managed to keep my interest: bullets and talk about how Jason is great. Fantastic.
MURPHY AND BRENDAare STILL talking about his proposal and his status as a famous movie star and her romantic past and it is KILLING ME. It is KILLING ME, IN MY SOUL. It is all so dull and so repetitive and such an epic waste of Brenda and Vanessa Marcil's awesomeness. I know that the writers don't want Brenda back in Port Charles right away to do things like "comfort her best friend after the implosion of her marriage" and "visit her surrogate family, the Quartermaines" (the former because they've rewritten Brenda and Robin's relationship and downgraded it to friends and the latter because there are hardly any Qs for her to go visit) because they want a big, dramatic, surprise reunion in Rome with Sonny, who happens to be planning to head there when he jumps bail. Except it kind of doesn't count as dramatic or surprising when it is as heavily telegraphed as this has been. But since the writers can't grasp even the simplest of concepts (such as murderers being poor choices for romantic heroes), we are stuck with Murphy, the dullest movie star of all time, and Adrienne Barbeau.
SONNY is in danger of another murder trial. What a nuisance the legal system is! I have to admit that I've been fast-forwarding most of these scenes, because my interest in Sonny's legal problems (which we all know he is NEVER going to pay for) doesn't exist, and my interest in seeing Dante try to prove Sonny's innocence is even less than non-existent.
Diane gets a few quality quips in at Sonny's expense:
Diane: You pay me triple for this. Just stop going around shooting people, you could save yourself a considerable amount of money.
But overall, 90% of the show just a complete waste of my time. I am considering taking up an incredibly boring hobby so that I could do the hobby during the boring parts of the show and be able to say, "The Sonny scenes were so boring that I [insert boring hobby here]" to make my point. But at the moment, I'll settle for italics: Booooooooring.