Sucks So Good: True Blood 3.10, "I Smell A Rat"
Three things before we talk about "I Smell A Rat":
ONE: How are there only two more episodes left this season? HOW?
TWO: The Rolling Stone cover. There are all sorts of quips running through my mind, and all of them have some variation of the phrase "bloody awkward" in them because really.
The Fug Girls, as always, say it better than I ever could.
THREE: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are married! Congratulations to them--they do seem like a very sweet couple. I have to admit that their real-life coupledom makes it supremely uncomfortable for me to watch their love scenes. It's just too, too much. But at any rate, yay for weddings.
And now, "I Smell A Rat".
Oh, before I start--screencaps will be up at some point Monday! I ran into technical issues. That's not code for "got distracted by the dreaminess of Alexander Skarsgard", it's the truth*!
If this week had been a whirling dervish of awesome on par with "Everything Is Broken", would we have been able to stand it? Or would hospitals all over the country have been overwhelmed by all of the patients coming in hyperventilating from amazingness? So maybe the resounding "...eh" of this episode was a good thing.
And while it was boring overall, there were some moments where all you could say was, "So that just happened..." either because they are awesome, hilarious, absurd, moved the story forward or made you cringe a little bit.
Let's start with six feet, four inches of brooding Swedish goodness: Oh, ASkars.
Eric is dealing with the fallout from ruining the life of and causing the complete mental break of one of the world's oldest and most powerful vampires. The kind of fallout that includes "maybe a vampire war" and "pretty much definitely the true death". So I think we can all empathize and forgive him for being a little snippy.
Pam:You're not even going to put up a fight?
Eric: Of course I am. But until I come up with a brilliant plan to beat him, I'm covering my bases. And your ass.
Eric: Unless you have a plan for me to defeat Russell Edgington, do not distract me.
He is focused on Pam's future, and drew up a will leaving her all of his worldly possessions (I loved the angry squabbling he and Yvetta did, and how he slipped back into English when he called her a gold-digging whore. Hilarious), he attempted to tell Sookie the truth about Bill--and how frustrating was that, by the way? "Why don't you tell Sookie the fucking truth?" Sookie, blithely joins the conversation at that point with "What truth?" and Bill covers with the lamest of all cover stories, all "Uh, uh, the truth about what you really are! That's the ticket. No other secrets here, no sir"--and then he got Sookie to give him what could very well be a goodbye kiss. And it was totally swoon-worthy.
Eric: If I meet the true death without having at least kissed you, Sookie Stackhouse, that would be my greatest regret.
Sookie: Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye to me?
Eric: Because I am.
Contented sigh, am I right?
Well, all of this stoicism and goodbye saying frustrated the hell out of Pam, who gave him one hell of a "Remember what survival is, dumbass?" pep talk, calling him out of the makeout session with "Blah blah, vampire emergency, blah".
Pam: You would have said and done anything to save Godric. I have no interest in inheriting your farm; that place is a windy shithole. If you're not going to give him Sookie, at least find a way to use her. And fast.
Who wouldn't want a Pam to give similar lectures when you need them? Like when you want to hit the snooze button or try on jeggings? I'd also want a Pam to save me from awkward situations with a "Blah blah [something important sounding] blah".
And then the episode ended with Eric taking Sookie into Fangtasia's basement dungeon and locking her up, which...is an interesting way to appeal to the legion of Sookie/Eric fans out there. I still think that he does want to keep her safe and if her specialness can be useful to him, he'd certainly use it, but who knows?
I loved Tara's reaction to Jason killing Franklin (and Jason's flashbacks to the deaths of Eggs and Eddie. Oh, Eddie! I loved him)--she is at her best when she is taking charge. She is at her worst when she is expressing sadness. Rutina Wesley was fine when Tara told Sookie what Franklin did to her, but the rest of the episode was over-the-top lip trembling that made me as sad as Tara.
And she is at her most awkward when she is kissing Jason Stackhouse after he saved her life! That was so wrong on every level, and I was hugely relieved that she immediately knew it.
Sam's beatdown of Calvin Norris in last week's episode sent him on a tragic trip down memory lane with his tour guide, Alcohol. First, we see him (kind of reminding me of Jason Lee, for some reason, with his hair slicked back) presenting Arielle Kebbell (Lindsay from Gilmore Girls and also one of the girls from John Tucker Must Die, which I never wanted to see, but was on HBO so often at one point that I accidentally saw the whole thing; it was terrible) with all sorts of stolen jewels. Except that it turns out that she is conning him with her other boyfriend, who interrupts their foreplay by putting a gun to Sam's head and taking everything.
Then we saw him surprising them in the woods (surprising him on all sorts of levels, since he had just shifted and was naked) and asking politely for his money back. Maybe not so politely, since he grabbed their gun and threatened them with it while he asked. The boyfriend called Sam a freak, and he unleashed the same kind of beating he gave Calvin; Arielle Kebbell takes a gun out of the truck and threatens to shoot him, and he shoots her first. He immediately regrets this, especially since she, you know, dies, and then kills the boyfriend. Dark days for Sam Merlotte, seriously.
While Sam came close to killing Calvin, his life was saved by an unlikely source: Lafayette and his trusty vial of V. Crystal was overjoyed, Jesus confused and Calvin, well..he was ungrateful.
Calvin, just before whacking Crystal: You let these faggots put vamper juice in me?
I'll let Lafayette sum that one up:
Lafayette: Them fuckers are a whole new dimension of trash.
This incident moved stories forward in two ways. One, Crystal finally broke free of the hillbilly nightmare that is Hotshot, had her father disown her and then revealed to Jason that she's actually a werepanther (I think?). She's something, at any rate, and Jason reacted hilariously: "Oh, Mama".
Two, Jesus wanted to try V with Lafayette. As soon as he floated that idea out there, I braced myself for cheese; I have only just gotten over the tremendously embarrassing V scenes with Jason and Amy in season one. It wasn't anywhere near that bad, but it dragged on foreverrrrrrr.
They are cute together, though.
This episode DID grant one of my biggest True Blood wishes: HOYT AND JESSICA ARE BACK TOGETHER. I REPEAT, HOYT AND JESSICA ARE BACK TOGETHER. How did the cutest of couples get back together, you ask? Well!
It sort of started with Jessica telling off Arlene, who is filled with vampire hatred now after Russell's on-air meltdown.
Jessica: I don't like narrow-minded skinny bitches with bad dye jobs, but at least I got the courtesy to keep my mouth shut about it. Most of the time. I suggest you do the same.
As Arlene runs off screaming about how Jess is once evil, always evil, Tommy takes the opportunity to put the moves on our favorite baby vamp.
Tommy: Are you kidding? That gave me total wood.
Stop it, Tommy.
After disparaging Hoyt a little more, because he is a jerk (because who doesn't love Hoyt? And who didn't feel for him tremendously when Summer offered herself to him in his truck, in the most annoying way possible? That qualifier probably wasn't necessary, because Summer does everything in the most annoying way possible), he tried to kiss Jessica, who ran off.
Later, Hoyt stormed into Merlotte's and pleaded with Jessica to get back together with him, complimenting her quirks and saying that there's no reason they can't be together. She tells him that she's done horrible things and enjoyed them, and he doesn't care.
Hoyt: Don't tell me what I want and what I don't want. That's my decision to make. And I want you.
He asks her to tell him that she doesn't love him, but she doesn't say anything. And I got super upset at poor, sad Hoyt ambling out of Merlottes. The tears gave way to giggles, though, because Tommy (who had observed all of this creepily) met him in the parking lot to snark on him and without even pausing, Hoyt punched him in the face and it was fantastic.
Tommy, being a weirdo with rage issues, reacted to this poorly and shifted into a pit bull and attacked Hoyt. Jessica, running after Hoyt to tell him how he feels, throws Tommy into the woods (ha!) and gives Hoyt her blood after telling him that she loves him, too, and it was so sweet and I love them.
Sookie's reaction to learning what she is was delightful.
Sookie: I'm a fairy? How fucking lame!
I'm with you, Sook.
Bill explained to her that the fairies were wiped out of existence by vampires, because their blood is so delectable and intoxicating. She puts the pieces together and wonders if that's why he's with her, just for her blood. He says it's not and makes a big show of promising never to feed on her again if that will make her trust him, but the fact that he includes her mind on a list of reasons that he loves her makes me think he's full of it.
Also delightful was Jason's reaction to a bitchy lesson from Bill, who was furious that Jason hadn't done a good enough job protecting the dumbass sister of his that knows she's the target of all sorts of creatures but runs off alone anyway. I don't dislike Bill, but he is so tiresome sometimes.
Bill: You gave me your word, Jason. You have let me down.
Jason: Jesus fuck! You think I don't know that? Just shut your fucking mouth and get out of my house. Yeah, Sookie told me how that works: I take back whatever invitation you got to come inside my fucking house. Motherfucker!
Kudos to the casting people, BTW: this was one of those episodes where Ryan Kwanten and Anna Paquin really and truly looked like brother and sister. I know that they always do, but there were scenes tonight where it was distracting!
Poor crazy Russell (and Talbot in a goblet, which--who?--he was still carrying in his bag) picked up a substitute Talbot in the form of Navid from 90210, playing a prostitute. The entire scenario was heartbreaking and disturbing.
Russell: You're the strongest man I've ever known. You made us a home. You made us family.
Tony: Yeah, it was a nice house.
Russell: A home.
With blood smeared eyes, he starts to bite Tony but then has a really sad monologue about how Talbot died alone, with nobody holding his ("beautiful, beautiful") hand.
Russell: It is one thing to face an eternity without you, but to not be with you at the true death--At this point, he stabs Tony--Talbot, you saved me from the world. From myself. I was a fool to trust him. I am more sorry than I can ever say. I'm so glad we had a chance to say our goodbye.
Then Tony turns into Talbot, and Russell puts his head on his chest, and then the camera pulls back to see Russell curled up against his poor, murdered prostitute and it is really sadder than it has any right to be.
Dear Denis O'Hare,
Is there anything you can't do?
PS: Let's be friends.
Also, Holly is a Wiccan. So, that's good to know.
And also also, Terry Bellefleur is the fucking greatest.
Terry: Hey boss, sorry I'm late.
Sam: Your shift don't start for another twenty minutes.
Terry: Oh, right. Well, sorry for being sorry.
He is also too adorable for words and far too good for Arlene; for most of the people in Bon Temps, really.
Arlene: This baby ain't yours, it's Rene's. It's going to be evil and I want to get rid of it.
Terry: No. I will raise that child as my own. Do you hear m, Arlene? I want to marry you and together we will surround that baby with more love than it can handle.
Adorable as that is, Arlene still wants to end her pregnancy and went to Holly to make that happen. Sigh.
Also also also: STEVE NEWLIN.
It was, like, three seconds of his hilarity, but oh, did he deliver.
That man can deliver a ridiculous line like no other.
Steve: If I were less of a Christian, I'd say TOLD-YA!
And the post mortem was amazing.
What did you all think, Serial Drama readers? Does this have you even more excited for the last two episodes of the season?