Who Needs "Organic Storytelling" When You Can Just Have Characters Act Hopelessly Dumb Instead?
I think it's time for Robin Scorpio to have another inappropriate conversation with the shirtless chief of staff, this time to implore him to move her husband to a part of the hospital where he isn't operating on people's brains or holding sharp implements. Because seriously, idly standing by and allowing this nitwit to perform surgery has to be in violation of all sorts of medical ethics!
Patrick: Not only did you break into my house, you cut my wife's face out of our wedding photo. It's sad and it's sick and it has to stop.
Lisa: Something will, that's for sure. So Robin's gone for a few days and you don't trust yourself alone with me in the same room? I get it, all right? You feel guilty.
Patrick: The only thing I feel for you right now is anger. You broke into my house and you mutilated a wedding photo. That's borderline stalker and if it keeps up, I will call the cops.
BORDERLINE STALKER? The only thing that borders is the line between Lunacy and Dementia.
Lisa, relieved that she's dealing with a moron and doesn't need to work hard to think of a plausible explanation for her creepy behavior, comes back with something completely half-assed.
Lisa: Okay, do you hear yourself? Why would I cut up a picture of Robin, all right? I mean, are you sure this isn't another instance of a little wife wanting to get attention?
Patrick: Robin would never do that.
Lisa: Are you sure? Because when was the last time you looked at that picture? Maybe Robin isn't as clueless as you think. Maybe she knows we slept together and she's not handling it well.
Patrick had no response to this, either because:
- He simply couldn't follow her train of thought. "She's right. Why WOULD she cut up a picture of Robin...?"
- He realized that this was a load of crap that Lisa obviously cribbed from ABC Family's most recent airing of Mean Girls, inspired by Regina creating her own Burn Book page, and was then too busy chuckling at the way Tim Meadows said "Why would Regina refer to herself as a fugly slut?" to have a snappy comeback.
- The writers thought to themselves, "Eighty seconds of these two is more than enough for one episode. Moving on!"
ALSO, I enjoyed how intricate Lisa's hair was! It totally works with my theory that the crazier Lisa becomes, the more time she spends having evil conversations with herself in the mirror as she crafts elaborate hairdos.
Patrick's not the only dimwit in town. Dante fell for Brook's sob story about panic attacks over not knowing who she is, or what she wants in life, despite it being (A) SERIOUSLY FREAKING LAME and (B) delivered with the fake angst usually found on display at a particularly bad community theatre. "I have paaaaaanic attacks". "I don't have direction. I don't know where I'm goooooing". "Maybe I'm not meant to be happy". And Dante responds with a supportive "We'll figure this out together" and not the massive eyeroll it deserved. Seriously, Dante? You fool.
And then she furtively slipped a drug into his beer. Because who doesn't carry date rape drugs in their purse, right?
UGH, I hate this story. I hate what they've done to Brook (I didn't particularly care for/about her during her last stint on the show, which is sad enough in and of itself because she is Ned and Lois's daughter, but way to completely ruin her) and I hate that Carly stooped to such middle school shenanigans (seriously, she has spent at least half of her life thinking of ways to wreck the joy of others; I have a hard time believing that she'd spend so much time and energy on this), and I hate knowing that there probably won't be any real fallout when this is finally exposed to the rest of Port Charles.
Lulu: I need some advice about Dante.
"Really? Are you even physically capable of having a conversation about something without saying Dante's name? Let me ask you something: what's your favorite TV show?" "Well, Dante likes Entourage..." "I knew it." "Knew what? Dante said he'd knew that it would be sunny today." "Do you even hear yourself?" Hear myself? Of course I do, Dante was the one who actually reminded me to get a check up last week and they did a hearing test."
To the surprise of people who have never caught more than a few seconds of this show, Jason is out of Pentonville, having served nowhere near the two-year minimum of his sentence and having been completely useless during the latest Franco fiasco. Spinelli and Carly reacted to this with such over-the-top joy and literal squealing that I literally felt my stomach turn. LITERALLY. I thought I'd have to go to the hospital, and can you imagine having to describe those symptoms to a doctor? "And then Spinelli started screeching like a child at a Justin Bieber concert and that's when I started to feel my internal organs collapse into themselves..." "Spi-whatty?"
What WAS surprising were the genuinely amusing moments that came out of Jason's release. Like pretty much everything Diane said:
Diane: All that stands between you and a closet full of your favorite crew necks is your signature...if you ever decided to exude even the slightest emotion, now would be an appropriate time.
And Spinelli's completely lame "Welcome Home" banner that turned into "Welcome Hoe"
It got a real-life chuckle from Steve Burton and made me think of April and Tom's similarly lame "Welcome Back, Jerry" banner on the "Park Safety" episode of Parks and Recreation, a reference that hardly anyone will get because hardly anyone watches that (stellar, hilarious, amazing, and so on) show.
I am pretty much insanely ready for Brenda to be back in Port Charles, interacting with people that I know and lo--..well, people that I know, anyway. I have adored all of Vanessa Marcil's scenes since her return without reservation, because I caps-lock LOVE her and her stunningness
But! There must be something more entertaining for her to do than hang out with Brad Rowe (who always makes me think of that TV movie The 70s, which makes me think of the much better TV movie The 60s, which then makes me think, first of all, that I have spent a lot of my life watching terrible made for television movies and also that I have had an irrational dislike of Julia Stiles for a seriously long time) and rehash stories that we've already lived through and, in some instances, tried to block from our memories (the implosion of Jax and Brenda's relationship being one of those instances, for example).
Brenda: I have an enormous ego...I was let at the altar three times. Three! And I don't really want to be left a fourth time, even by you.
We remember, Brenda! Although I am slightly surprised that the writers do.
But on the other hand, the longer she stays in Italy, the longer it will be before the writers pair her back together with Sonny, so...maybe being isolated in Europe isn't such a bad thing for her after all.
Speaking of Sonny, he was also on today's episode and he...let's just say, he and Claire "interacted" and leave it at that. It was disgusting and upsetting, and I will not sully this blog by discussing it any further.