Anatomy Of A Freakout
OH MY GOD.
It turns out that the whole "Sonny is skipping bail and going to Rome to seek out Brenda" thing, the one that made me groan a heavy groan meant to convey complete and utter dread at a coupling that will more likely than not lead to the ruination of Brenda's character, actually has the silverest of silver linings: we got to see Carly lose her freaking marbles and every individual marble loss was more hilarious than the one that came before.
Below, Carly's head exploding, paraphrased (except for actual, real life lines that were just too good not to commemorate, which are italicized).
CARLY: Where is he, Jason? Where's Sonny? Where's Sonny, Jason? Where is he?
JASON: Don't you...hate Sonny?
CARLY: YEAH, JASON, I DO. That's what makes it even more important for me to know where he is.
JASON: How does that...?
CARLY: Because it's ME doing the hating, Jason. ME. I deserve to know where he is.
JASON: That's not a very good reason.
CARLY: I also need to know because...because it's really important for Michael. And, you know...the little guy.
JASON: Okay, okay. I will tell you, but we need to stay calm. How about we take just a deep breath together?
JASON: How about we count to ten?
CARLY: No, I'm fine. Why are you being like this? This won't shock me. I'm unshockable.
JASON: I'm pretty sure Sonny went to Rome to see Brenda.
CARLY: I'll fucking cut her.
CARLY: Me kids, I mean. He never thinks about me kids. And that's so like him. That is SO LIKE HIM. He's all, "I'm Sonny, I'm Super Dad, I love all of my kids" and then he just abandons them. And not just Michael, who is CLEARLY the most important. He ditched ALL OF THEM. All four of his kids. Four, Jason. You hear that? I am so mad at Sonny right now that I referred to Dante as his child and I didn't even preface that with a rant about how much he makes me want to vomit all over that god awful shag haircut he has like it's still the 70s. Yeah, I'm that mad. THAT MAD.
CARLY: And he ran away for BRENDA. Brenda! She's so spoiled, and over dramatic, and it makes me so angry that I am literally dying right now. LITERALLY. And why are you not looking at me, Jason?!
JASON: He ran away so he doesn't have to go to prison, Carly.
CARLY: Oh, please, Jason.
CARLY: Please. Like, he could have gone anywhere in the planet. He could have gone to Canada, or Cambodia or Costa Rica, or--
JASON: You're working the "C" theme pretty hard, Carly. Is it because your name starts with C?
CARLY: OH MY GOD, Jason, you are missing the point. He could have gone anywhere, but he chose Rome. You know who likes Rome? WHORES LIKE ROME. And he's going to go find Brenda and they're going to be all happy and then it's all going to blow up in his face and he's going to be miserable.
JASON: That kind of happens in all of his relationships.
CARLY: She's the worst, Jason. The worst. She's going to ruin him more than he's already ruined. She always does.
JASON: He's hurt her pretty bad too, Carly--
CARLY: OH MY GOD, STOP TAKING HER WHOREY SIDE.
JASON: It's just that--
CARLY: I am not going to sit and let this happen. No. That doesn't work for me...me kids.
JASON: There's nothing we can do, Carly.
CARLY: What are you talking about, Jason? There is ALWAYS something we can do. ALWAYS. You carry a gun! Can't you go and...you know?
CARLY: He's your best friend. He's your blood brother. Are bromances no longer sacred? What the actual fuck?!
JASON: Do you not understand what jumping bail to evade trial means? Because I don't either, and I was hoping someone could clear it up for me.
CARLY: I'm the only one he's supposed to drop everything for.
JASON: Look, this is a delicate situation, so can you not go out of your way to screw this up for all of us?
CARLY: What are you implying, Jason? Are you saying I have bad ideas? Why would you say that, Jason?
JASON: Because of everything that's happened since 1996, mostly. Look, can you just promise me that you'll be a little less...a little less you?
CARLY: Oh, I promise you that. I promise you that all the way to the bank.
JASON: What does that--
CARLY: TO THE BANK!
JASON: Is it lunch or dinner time?
JASON: I like rice.