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« Pine Valley and the Deathday Party | Main | In Which I Go Deaf, Dumb and Blind »

September 16, 2010

At Least I Feel Ashamed Of Laughing With Them, Not At Them!

Not to be completely melodramatic and insane, but I am pretty sure that my brain is starting to atrophy. I've had a series of mental lapses and embarrassing gaffes this week and then, even worse, I laughed out loud at today's General Hospital. More than once! And I'm not talking the kind of patronizing smile I usually offer when this show tries to be amusing (you know, the "Oh. Well, A for effort!" type smile), or the knowing murmur I often make when something mildly funny happens. I'm talking actual giggles.

Even scarier? I laughed at things Jason and Sonny said. I KNOW.

Jason: I don't understand how Brenda thinks.
Adrienne Barbeau: She never talks about you.
Jason: Good.

Jasonpissy


Jason, on why he married Brenda: I was the only option available.
Adrienne Barbeau: Meaning?
Jason: She had no other options.

Max: Diane and I really aren't that complicated. If everything's good in the bedroom department-
Sonny, putting the conversation to an immediate halt: Yeah, that's good.

Enough

I mean, I've known for a while that there would come a point in time where I found myself involved in a real-life Simpsons situation, but I never thought that I'd be Homer! And yet nothing sums things up better than "Me lose brain? Uh oh. Why I laugh?"

However, I am not so far gone that I can't discuss at length the ridiculousness of the conversations that led to the aforementioned hilarity. Because OH were they EVER ridiculous.


Sonny and Claire are disgusting together, and refuse to talk about them at length on account of the ick factor. The gist of today's story was that Sonny had Max bring Claire a pair of earrings and she got all angry, and then he attempted to flirt with her and I gagged a little bit.

Sonny: Why don't you just put them on? And then you're going to see how beautiful you're going to look and then you won't be mad at me anymore.

The material is drivel, and it's drivel being performed by one actor who is either zoning out during their scenes or aggressively showing off his dimples and another actor who is a ham.*

The lone amusing part of this story, as mentioned above, took place when Sonny was educating Max in the art of seducing a woman which boils down to: the man is always in charge, even when she doesn't know it.

Sonny: That's the way you get a woman close to you, especially a woman like Claire. She wants the upperhand. Now what I gotta do is reassure her.
Max: Make her feel appreciated.
Sonny: Exactly. What I'm going to do is--we're going to have dinner. Claire's going to make the next move--she's going to think--well, I'm going to let her think it's her idea.

Max mused that his relationship with Diane has none of these complicated mind-games, and in response, Sonny was disgusted, as mentioned above. It was the sole bright spot in an otherwise revolting few scenes.

* Maurice Benard may play off Dahlia Salem terribly, but he is even worse with Dominic Zamprogna, as evidenced by Sonny recapping his romantic woes to the son who spent the conversation wishing that his father was a better shot. 

Sonny: I can't let it in my life because it becomes too complicated. It becomes about her. [LONG PAUSE] An obsession. Like I s--you know, even know--[abruptly cuts himself off and LONG PAUSES] a couple hours with her and [LONG PAUSE]...you know...[LONG PAUSE] it's going to take a little while to get her out of my system.
Dante: What does this have to do with Claire Walsh?
Sonny: Claire's a [LONG PAUSE]...diversion--a way to [LONG PAUSE] move forward. Don't get me wrong, I like Claire, I like her a lot. She's beautiful. When I--when I--when I spend [LONG PAUSE] time with her, it's great. You think it's wrong to be with one woman to get over another?
Dante:

Dante

Divider

Adrienne Barbeau summoned Jason to Rome because...well, because Bob Guza's inner monologue sounds something like "Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason! Jason? JASON!" Of course he's going to figure out a way to add Jason into a story with his new favorite character to write for. It's just that the way he decided to add Jason into this story was POORLY. Adrienne Barbeau calls him to fill him in on all of Brenda's near death experiences of late, because he's her emergency contact, and he goes to Rome to help protect her? Please. I think I speak for the audience as a whole when I say that there didn't even need to be an explanation for his random insertion into this story; we were all expecting it and there was no way for it to make any real sense, so they shouldn't have even bothered.

Adrienne Barbeau: That's a generous attitude. Or do you just have a savior complex?

Um, wrong, Adrienne Barbeau. It's not a complex, he's an actual savior. I was actually going to list all of the times Jason saved the day against all odds, but I only got as far as the Metro Court hostage crisisand the almost comical fawning everybody did over him ("Jason's going to show up. I mean, come on -- everybody he loves is in this room. There's no way he's not going to come for us") and I got a little sick, so I decided to scrap the entire idea, but the point is, Adrienne Barbeau, that you're actually having a religious experience right now.

Divider

Brenda was less than thrilled to see Jason, which is a handy segue into something I am less than happy to see (and oh my goodness, I never thought I'd ever say these words because I am almost always a whore for reminders of the good old days): flashbacks of Brenda's romantic past and real/aborted weddings. I'm not saying I wasn't OBSESSED when they actually happened, because I was (I think a third of the conversations my friend Jill and I had in middle school were about General Hospital and Brenda in particular), and I enjoyed it when ABC actually aired the full episodes a few weeks back.

What I am saying is that I know that the powers-that-be think we're all incapable of higher level thinking but I SWEAR, we are all on the same page here, what with the endless flashbacks and Brenda spending an unnecessary amount of time recapping her past. Let's just move on...assuming that the writers have something to move on TO which, of course, they probably don't.

I do have to say, though, that the one highlight of the flashbacks to Jason and Brenda's wedding in particular is being reminded of one of the best Google searches to ever lead someone to Serial Drama:

gh steve burton did he double in size

Well...

Jasonflashback


Jason


...maybe not doubled...

Divider

Carly learned that Jason is in Rome with whorey Brenda and her reaction was shockingly subdued. She totally had a tantrum and continued to exhibit multiple personality disorders and a limitless well of self-absorption:

Carly: Jason drops everything and flies to ROME?
Carly: Jason wasn't put on this earth to take care of Brenda Barrett.
Carly: Jason's first obligation is to ME and my kids, and I can tell you right now I'm not sharing it with Brenda.

But I was expecting more! I thought for sure we'd see tears and, if not the literal shooting of the messenger, at least an attempt by Carly to rip the hair out of Sam's head. Color me disappointed! And also obsessed with some of the faces Laura Wright makes.

Carlyface


She continues to be the best part of Brenda's return, which is all sorts of tragic.

Divider

It took a lot of begging and pleading, but Jonathan Jackson FINALLY has a story to call his own.

Lucky

And it's silly, and Lucky's been sent off to Ireland to interact with an overacting dayplayer and I am reasonably sure that I have only the slightest idea of why any of this is taking place, but I am enjoying it all the same. Perhaps I've been so desperate for a Lucky story that I am willing to accept any story that gives him something to do and maybe I'm swayed by adorable Irish accents (incidentally, my father's parents are from Ireland, so I am incredibly familiar with brogues and I have to say that Jonathan Jackson's is pretty good!), but this is sort of...fun? Or at least fun-ish, and these days, that's just about the best we can hope for.

Comments

Funniest line of the post (and there were many, so it was hard to pick): "B/c...well, b/c, Bob Guza's inner monologue sounds something like, 'Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason! Jason? JASON!'"

And, oh, my Lord, it's been a really long time since I watched vintageJason b/c-well, b/c it's Jason and I'm sick of him-but MY GOD! That's, like, a Senate Hearing-worthy size change! Who the hell did he eat? Is that what happened to Juan?

What's the deal with Sbu and TC? They need to stop with all of the weight lifting and protein shakes....


Lucky - yawn. How long before he starts snotting and crying like a little witch?

Jonathan Jackson is the only thing worth watching on the show right now for me. (I still love Patrick & Robin but I have given up on them ever being treated as more than dayplayers.) I have been waiting for JJ to get an actual story since his return. Somehow, this feels like it is not a story for Lucky so much as it is a realization that JJ is actually good and they should use him more. Of course, Lucky is a cop, and cops are bad people and not worthy of screen time so he can only be on if he's Lucky, but without actually being Lucky. He has to pretend to be an assassin because those are the people that are worth screen time and worth writing for. Sigh. How I hate this awful, awful show.

"Is that what happened to Juan?"

I usually bust a gut laughing while I read these posts, but if that quote is not the perfect reminder to start paying attention to the comments, then I don't know what is.

Mallory, I'm not so sure Lucky will have a story of his own. I read a spoiler that St. Dante of the Gold Chains and Lulu are somehow sucked into his story and end up in Europe with him. And that Dante somehow also knows Brenda. Dante may rival Jason as the savior of PC.

I couldn't tell if the writers were being unintentionally funny with Carly's rants, especially when she said that Brenda always wants all the men in her life to take care of her. Hello, Carly, look in the mirror! I really hope it was meant to be humor, if so then it was kinda funny, but if not then the writers are seriously delusional if they think we would be on Carly's side of this argument. It's always a pleasant surprise to me if the writers seem to recognize how ridiculous some of their pet characters act.

I also busted out laughing at Marianne's Juan comment!

Thank you thank you thank you for all these laughs, it's 5 am and I am cackling like VM :-)

But one thing today was so typically Guza I wanted to cry. The giant ridiculous anvil dropping between Dante and Mumbles....something about did Dante "know" the woman Sonny was mooning about :-(. Anyone else terrified this cartoonish drop mixed with the inevitable spoilers means Dante and Brenda "knew" each other...maybe a threesome with the Balkan? Oy, I am only kinda kidding. The big bad evil Balkan is probably the "murdered" cop Poletti so Dante can officially join the "Sonny is the bestest mobster ever" team.

Now I am Homer too. I need a pink frosted sprinkled donut to go on living ;-)

You know, I don't know if Steve has doubled in size, but his neck has certainly gone missing.

Seriously, both he and Tyler seem to have that affliction that strikes some men that work out. They lose sight of what actually looks good and just go for BIG. All over. Big arms, big back, big chest, BIG. Never mind it looks like someone filled them up with helium and not exactly proportionally with the overall frame - to them, it looks good. They could both actually do with a little less mass on their frames. If they aren't careful, they are going to look like that round mass of walking bloated muscle that Theresa's husband on Real Housewives of New Jersey looks like.

Marianne - yes that's exactly what happened to Juan. Also...Nadine. (Hey...she just went in the elevator!)

Sarah - I am so with you on the anvils....although I will admit that if the BIG SECRET Guza promised us Brenda had that she didn't know she had ended up being she had a hot fling with NYPD cop Dante over a stop over in New York, became preggers, couldn't find him because he was now undercover to take down Sonny, had the baby and is hiding it for the good of her career.....thereby making her the mother of Sonny's first grandchild? Well I wouldn't be able to stop the laughing on that one.

And this Lucky "storyline" if we are going to call it that to me feels like a storyline they wrote for Tony Geary's annual fall return, then they realized it wasn't time for that torture just yet but hey....we're allowed to use Lucky now...so they just deleted Luke and put Lucky's name in all the scripts. Ridiculous set up.....being "overseas" but really it's a bar.....hammy made for comedy day players....accents and disguises (I'm so waiting for someone to bust out the "magically delicious").....sounds like a Luke wacky hijinks we're supposed to find so awesome to me.

The best thing about Carly's "Jason's first obligation is to ME and my kids" comment is the fact that she said it to Sam, Jason's GIRLFRIEND, and Sam's so used to Carly being... Carly that she didn't even flinch (nor, of course, did Carly consider for a second that maybe Sam was the exact wrong person to say that to!)

I did read that not only does Dante know Brenda, but someone from Dante's past causes Lulu to be jealous and insecure in their relationship, and since we already did that with Brook Lynn, I bet it is Brenda. Guza loves to stretch credibility. "Everyone has to know everyone else somehow!"

Beth, I could definitely get down with Brenda being the mother to Sonny's grandchild. The very though amuses me so.

Chrissy, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who noticed this. Not to mention the look she gave Sam when she said "come in" to the knock at the door. Carly really believes she is Jason's girlfriend, I swear by it.

ok weird question, since I have long ago dropped GH from my daily viewing habits. Is Adrienne Barbeau actually on this show now? Or is that just a funny moniker for a dayplayer actress that looks like her?

"Has Jason doubled in size?"

Well, yeah, he has. Some of us tend to forget, because Steve Burton's been on the show since he was 21...but goodness, the man's 40 years old!

He's not just big because he bulks up. He's big because, face it, he's middle-aged. And that's what middle-age spread looks like. (That's why we won't be seein' too much of him nekkid in years to come.)

And while we're at it, I detect signs of incipient male-pattern baldness, too.

The Dominic Zaprogna screencap totally made my day + I love love your fondness for the name Adrienne Barbeau, and I find myself saying it for the sheer joy of the sound. Great post!

I think that Lucky's Ronan O'Reilly storyline is ridiculous and I find Lucky's fake Irish accent annoying as hell!!!! The reason why they gave Jonathan Jackson this s/l is because Rebecca Herbst(Elizabeth) is on maternity leave, thus putting the baby daddy s/l on the backburner.
The reason why that Steve Burton has doubled in size is because I think he might be on steroids!!!!

TB4evah!!, it is the real Adrienne Barbeau! She is doing a stint as a friend of Brenda's and, it goes without saying, has the most fun name to say, ever.

I remember when this plot of Lucky Spencer's was a plot on Due South. AH, the 90s.

BJ has totally explained the "Undercover Lucky" s/l! "He has to pretend to be an assassin because those are the people that are worth screen time and worth writing for." If only this wasn't such a plausible explanation...

What in the world is going on with Brenda's psycho laugh.

So is Lucky supposed to eventually stumble upon the Balkin?? And clearly Dante knows about the Balkin which then translates back to Brenda which translates back to Sonny....eee-fuckin'-gads.

I fast forward through EVERY CLAIRE AND SONNY scene! Even having the adorable Max in the room wasn't enough for me to listen to these two insipid characters (along with the worst acting on daytime). Between MB's mumbling and DS's stroke face line-delivery (I'm sorry, her face is crooked and she enunciates in the extreme!!), I just CANNOT DO IT.

The fact that I could still see it at all, even in FF, when Claire started whoring it up in Sonny's bedroom was nauseating in the extreme.

I heart Adrienne Barbeau!! I would love it if they kept her as a regular, but the fact that I have now actually put it out into the universe that I love her means Guza's "fans are happy" radar just went off, and she will now be killed by the Balkin within the week.

Did anyone else catch Maxie's line to Robin yesterday about Lisa going all "Glenn Close?" The Fatal Attraction rip off is now complete!

I would love it if Adrienne Barbeau's character had ... a bit more character. It's a shame she's being wasted and forced to recite line after line after line after line about how Brenda needs protection, Brenda needs to be careful, Brenda needs protection, Brenda needs to be careful. Yawn.

"Of course, Lucky is a cop, and cops are bad people and not worthy of screen time so he can only be on if he's Lucky, but without actually being Lucky. He has to pretend to be an assassin because those are the people that are worth screen time and worth writing for. Sigh. How I hate this awful, awful show." ~ BJ

My gosh... that makes a scary amount of sense. I think you really did just get inside Bob Guza's head there. *stares in mixed wonder and horror*

In my dreams about GH which are so much better than what is actually taking place on the show, The Balkan turns out to be Caesar Faison, and Luke is actually in Europe to help Robert and Anna take the Balkan down, along with Anna's adorable nephew Aidan Devane who comes to Port Charles and steals Sam away from Jason.

@Elizabeth Kerri Mahon -- I'd watch the hell out of that GH.
I refuse to watch this one.

Oh, gosh, that is a brilliant idea. So it's obvious that the GH writers have (a) never had it or (b) would run away screaming in terror if anybody ever posed it to them.

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