At Least I Feel Ashamed Of Laughing With Them, Not At Them!
Not to be completely melodramatic and insane, but I am pretty sure that my brain is starting to atrophy. I've had a series of mental lapses and embarrassing gaffes this week and then, even worse, I laughed out loud at today's General Hospital. More than once! And I'm not talking the kind of patronizing smile I usually offer when this show tries to be amusing (you know, the "Oh. Well, A for effort!" type smile), or the knowing murmur I often make when something mildly funny happens. I'm talking actual giggles.
Even scarier? I laughed at things Jason and Sonny said. I KNOW.
Jason: I don't understand how Brenda thinks.
Adrienne Barbeau: She never talks about you.
Jason, on why he married Brenda: I was the only option available.
Adrienne Barbeau: Meaning?
Jason: She had no other options.
Max: Diane and I really aren't that complicated. If everything's good in the bedroom department-
Sonny, putting the conversation to an immediate halt: Yeah, that's good.
I mean, I've known for a while that there would come a point in time where I found myself involved in a real-life Simpsons situation, but I never thought that I'd be Homer! And yet nothing sums things up better than "Me lose brain? Uh oh. Why I laugh?"
However, I am not so far gone that I can't discuss at length the ridiculousness of the conversations that led to the aforementioned hilarity. Because OH were they EVER ridiculous.
Sonny and Claire are disgusting together, and refuse to talk about them at length on account of the ick factor. The gist of today's story was that Sonny had Max bring Claire a pair of earrings and she got all angry, and then he attempted to flirt with her and I gagged a little bit.
Sonny: Why don't you just put them on? And then you're going to see how beautiful you're going to look and then you won't be mad at me anymore.
The material is drivel, and it's drivel being performed by one actor who is either zoning out during their scenes or aggressively showing off his dimples and another actor who is a ham.*
The lone amusing part of this story, as mentioned above, took place when Sonny was educating Max in the art of seducing a woman which boils down to: the man is always in charge, even when she doesn't know it.
Sonny: That's the way you get a woman close to you, especially a woman like Claire. She wants the upperhand. Now what I gotta do is reassure her.
Max: Make her feel appreciated.
Sonny: Exactly. What I'm going to do is--we're going to have dinner. Claire's going to make the next move--she's going to think--well, I'm going to let her think it's her idea.
Max mused that his relationship with Diane has none of these complicated mind-games, and in response, Sonny was disgusted, as mentioned above. It was the sole bright spot in an otherwise revolting few scenes.
* Maurice Benard may play off Dahlia Salem terribly, but he is even worse with Dominic Zamprogna, as evidenced by Sonny recapping his romantic woes to the son who spent the conversation wishing that his father was a better shot.
Sonny: I can't let it in my life because it becomes too complicated. It becomes about her. [LONG PAUSE] An obsession. Like I s--you know, even know--[abruptly cuts himself off and LONG PAUSES] a couple hours with her and [LONG PAUSE]...you know...[LONG PAUSE] it's going to take a little while to get her out of my system.
Dante: What does this have to do with Claire Walsh?
Sonny: Claire's a [LONG PAUSE]...diversion--a way to [LONG PAUSE] move forward. Don't get me wrong, I like Claire, I like her a lot. She's beautiful. When I--when I--when I spend [LONG PAUSE] time with her, it's great. You think it's wrong to be with one woman to get over another?
Adrienne Barbeau summoned Jason to Rome because...well, because Bob Guza's inner monologue sounds something like "Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason! Jason? JASON!" Of course he's going to figure out a way to add Jason into a story with his new favorite character to write for. It's just that the way he decided to add Jason into this story was POORLY. Adrienne Barbeau calls him to fill him in on all of Brenda's near death experiences of late, because he's her emergency contact, and he goes to Rome to help protect her? Please. I think I speak for the audience as a whole when I say that there didn't even need to be an explanation for his random insertion into this story; we were all expecting it and there was no way for it to make any real sense, so they shouldn't have even bothered.
Adrienne Barbeau: That's a generous attitude. Or do you just have a savior complex?
Um, wrong, Adrienne Barbeau. It's not a complex, he's an actual savior. I was actually going to list all of the times Jason saved the day against all odds, but I only got as far as the Metro Court hostage crisisand the almost comical fawning everybody did over him ("Jason's going to show up. I mean, come on -- everybody he loves is in this room. There's no way he's not going to come for us") and I got a little sick, so I decided to scrap the entire idea, but the point is, Adrienne Barbeau, that you're actually having a religious experience right now.
Brenda was less than thrilled to see Jason, which is a handy segue into something I am less than happy to see (and oh my goodness, I never thought I'd ever say these words because I am almost always a whore for reminders of the good old days): flashbacks of Brenda's romantic past and real/aborted weddings. I'm not saying I wasn't OBSESSED when they actually happened, because I was (I think a third of the conversations my friend Jill and I had in middle school were about General Hospital and Brenda in particular), and I enjoyed it when ABC actually aired the full episodes a few weeks back.
What I am saying is that I know that the powers-that-be think we're all incapable of higher level thinking but I SWEAR, we are all on the same page here, what with the endless flashbacks and Brenda spending an unnecessary amount of time recapping her past. Let's just move on...assuming that the writers have something to move on TO which, of course, they probably don't.
I do have to say, though, that the one highlight of the flashbacks to Jason and Brenda's wedding in particular is being reminded of one of the best Google searches to ever lead someone to Serial Drama:
gh steve burton did he double in size
...maybe not doubled...
Carly learned that Jason is in Rome with whorey Brenda and her reaction was shockingly subdued. She totally had a tantrum and continued to exhibit multiple personality disorders and a limitless well of self-absorption:
Carly: Jason drops everything and flies to ROME?
Carly: Jason wasn't put on this earth to take care of Brenda Barrett.
Carly: Jason's first obligation is to ME and my kids, and I can tell you right now I'm not sharing it with Brenda.
But I was expecting more! I thought for sure we'd see tears and, if not the literal shooting of the messenger, at least an attempt by Carly to rip the hair out of Sam's head. Color me disappointed! And also obsessed with some of the faces Laura Wright makes.
She continues to be the best part of Brenda's return, which is all sorts of tragic.
It took a lot of begging and pleading, but Jonathan Jackson FINALLY has a story to call his own.
And it's silly, and Lucky's been sent off to Ireland to interact with an overacting dayplayer and I am reasonably sure that I have only the slightest idea of why any of this is taking place, but I am enjoying it all the same. Perhaps I've been so desperate for a Lucky story that I am willing to accept any story that gives him something to do and maybe I'm swayed by adorable Irish accents (incidentally, my father's parents are from Ireland, so I am incredibly familiar with brogues and I have to say that Jonathan Jackson's is pretty good!), but this is sort of...fun? Or at least fun-ish, and these days, that's just about the best we can hope for.