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« At Least I Feel Ashamed Of Laughing With Them, Not At Them! | Main | A Good Man Is Hard To Find »

September 20, 2010

In Which I Go Deaf, Dumb and Blind

Taken on its own, I could probably deal with Spinelli berating Dante for having the temerity to do his job.

And on another day, I might be able to accept Adrienne Barbeau (Adrienne Barbeau!) being indoctrinated into the Church of St. Jason.

And since we'd all seen the (sleazy) writing on the (bathroom) wall for a Sonny/Claire hookup from the very moment she came to Port Charles and, in a stilted and overly enunciated manner, ran down a laundry list of his sins, I...okay, the truth is that I am in no way emotionally equipped to deal with that.

With any of that, actually! And for General Hospital to cram all of that offensiveness into one small hour was just a cruel move on the part of General Hospital. I'm tempted to tell the show to go to hell, but I'm reasonably sure that hell actually IS this episode of General Hospital and I'm both too kind a person to wish that on my worst enemy and also reasonably certain that the GH powers-that-be wouldn't see it as a punishment at all. "Oh, I LOVE this one!", they'd say before spending the hour eagerly reciting words along with their favorite characters...

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Where to begin? Let's begin with Spinelli's extended temper tantrum, since I don't want Sonny and Claire's romp to ick up the front page of the blog.

Spinelli: The Jackal will not divulge confidential information ESPECIALLY not to you.
Dante: Okay, you people have no idea who you are dealing with.
Spinelli: True. I never heard mention of The Balkan* until I was asked to research him. He's somewhat of a legend in Europe but virtually unknown in the States. So how would you, a lowly New York cop**, come to know of a man like this?
Dante: Could you just tell me if you've come up with something?
Spinelli: If I have, I wouldn't share it with you.
Dante: We are on the same side for this!
Spinelli: You seem to think that your betrayals carry some sort of expiration date. That after time all should be forgiven. But the repercussions of your gross misdeeds continue to reverberate. Young Sir was sent to prison***, Stone Cold was forced to follow **** to ensure Michael's safety. HEINOUS events occurred, all of which YOU are directly responsible for*****.
Dante: That's the biggest regret of my life so far. If I could take it back, I would. But since that's not a possibility, I've done everything within my power to make it right. I got Michael out of prison, I got the charges against Sonny in Johnny's shooting dropped. Don't you think I deserve a couple of check marks in the plus column?
Spinelli******: I see how you do it. The affable mien, the feigned honesty. It's quite appealing to the unsuspecting like Fair Lulu. She still has no idea what a smooth liar you are, or how easily you can drop kick her heart.
Dante: You are wrong. I love Lulu. She means everything to me and I would lay down my life in a heartbeat for her if I had to.
Spinelli: I sincerely hope that Fair Lulu comes to her senses and leaves you so you can experience the broken heart you so richly deserve*******.

* I am already sick of hearing the name "The Balkan", which does not bode well for me because he hasn't even appeared on screen yet.
** I'm not really sure how to properly convey the amount of condescension and loathing in Spinelli's voice when he said that phrase
*** Because of the coverup Dante had nothing to do with...
**** Wasn't!
***** Hate.
****** Look at how damn smug his face was throughout that speech.

Spinelli


Hate.
******* Haaaaaate.

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Forget The Eternal City, the real nickname for Rome should be The City of Shenanigans because oh em gee, the hilarity today with Brenda and Jason and Adrienne Barbeau! There were hijinks about corsets, and tuxedos and clip on ties, and I am going to start choking on my sarcasm in a second.

Since this show is pretty much an unrelenting pit of horror, I should be grateful for even the shortest light-hearted moment, but despite Vanessa Marcil and Steve Burton's best efforts, all of this fell flat for me, especially because it seemed to go on and on and...on.

But before Jason found himself in a tux at a gala, he found himself on the receiving end of Adrienne Barbeau's besotted stare.

Flirting


Jason: I was going to have Brenda call you.
Adrienne Barbeau: You don't have to use a go-between. You can call me any time.
Brenda: Are you serious?

Adrienne Barbeau: He's very talented, isn't he?
Brenda: At what, working out?
Adrienne Barbeau: No, his ideas about security and protection are very creative and bold.
Brenda: Are you blushing? Because that would be my worst nightmare.
Adrienne Barbeau: What are you talking about?
Brenda: I'm talking about the fact that you're wearing a dress. That's not black.
Adrienne Barbeau: What? I'm not allowed to look feminine on occasion?
Brenda: Sure you can look feminine, but--oh my god. Are you trying to look feminine for Jason?

Adrienne Barbeau: We need Jason. He's very charming and useful.
Brenda: Oh my god, did you just say charming? I'm going to vomit...[...]Listen, you can't fall for Jason. He kills people. Not theoretically. He actually does it, I don't know if you picked up on that or not.
Adrienne Barbeau: Well, dangerous men don't put me off unless they are so filled with their own menace that they can't see through it and Jason's not like that.
Brenda: Oh.
Adrienne Barbeau: He's cuddly.

Let's ignore, for a second, the bizarre adjectives she used to describe Jason (cuddly? Charming? Useful?). What the hell kind of person hears that they've been interacting with a full-time murderer and doesn't immediately make a hasty retreat in the manner of Abe Simpson?

Abe-Simpson-walking-in-and-out-the-simpsons-7414427-320-240


Adrienne Barbeau, I expected--actually, I didn't expect better than you, since it was wholly impossible for Jason to join your story without receiving all sorts of fawning, but still! I am disappointed.

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I don't even know what to say about Sonny and Claire. I am disgusted, obviously. Horrified, even. To say that they lack chemistry would be the understatement of the year; it's safer to say that they exhibit anti-chemistry. And while I covered my eyes for most of their sex scene, I did catch a glimpse of their uncomfortable making out and Dahlia Salem even manages to overact whilst kissing!

Then there was the dialogue, obviously cribbed from either a cheesy romance novel or an especially bad fanfic...

Claire: I think I thought about this a lot more than I should have and I'd like this to be exactly the way I imagined.

Sonny: You've got very expressive eyes. It's like a window into your soul.

Claire: You have more money than you can spend, power that most people can never imagine. Kids, mothers of those kids, ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends, all vying for your attention and approval. And yet you're one of the loneliest men I've ever known.
Sonny: Not tonight.

And their weird post-coital wine drinking...

Wine

And their eventual discovery of Max and Diane fooling around on the patio (after sitting down to eat Claire and Sonny's dinner. Who does that?), notable for Sonny's tank top and bedhead and Claire's oversized bathrobe.

Bedhead


Sometimes there are no words. There is only disgusted shuddering accompanied by retching noises.

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In other Port Charles news, Lucky's Irish adventures continue to be more fun and enjoyable than I ever expected (and he got a kiss from Siobhan who, incidentally, is bugging me less than she did last week, although her hat drives me crazy. It's just so itchy looking), we got a glimpse of fat-headed Joss

Joss

(!!! Love her!)

and Jax set fire to the hopes and dreams of my thirteen-year-old, Brenda and Jax loving self.

Carjax


Jax: I've never met a woman I couldn't leave until you. So I will fight for us for as long and for as hard as you'll let me.
Carly: Well, there's only one thing to say: welcome home!

The part of me that is eternally a middle-schooler just let out a shriek of agony and is screaming, "Why, Bob Guza? Why can't you just let me be happy? WHYYYYYYY?".

("How is that different from your present day self?", you wonder. Not very, dear readers. Not very.)

Comments

"an unrelenting pit of horror"

Yup, that just about covers it.

This is the kind of GH episode that has created a new form of bulimia. I eat lunch, a while later I willingly watch this unrelenting pit of horrors, which causes me to lose my lunch.

Is there a support group for this? Oh yeah, it's Serial Drama ;-)

Spinelli - where to begin. Well, the character was fun and quirky the first year, however, he's a 30 year man old living with a 40 year old hit man! Spin needs his own home. Seriously, Spin acts like a little b*tch most of the time and practically wets his shorts whenever he's around Jason -- it's gross. As for his latest rant about Dante, snort, I think Spin is getting a little nervous that he could end up pushed aside by Jason's new BFF. One of the things I noticed on the various boards when Jason was in prison, Spin and Sam did NOT have life without him. The actors should ask for separate stories from SBu so that is not so noticeable whenever he's not on screen.

Sonny is gross on any day and having sex makes it a lot worst.

Two things:

1)From that description of Spinelli you've given, I still want to kick him in the cubes.

2) You think that GIF web site has the Happy Jesus Dance? Because that's the dance I'll be doing when this show gets canceled.

At least there's a silver lining...a very thin one but still...

******* Haaaaaate.
Hee. And ditto. God, he is loathesome.

Sometimes there are no words. There is only disgusted shuddering accompanied by retching noises.
Hee x2. Seriously, WHO LIKES THESE TWO?!

Well, I guess should be thankful that my DVR decided to crap out today. Sounds like a GREAT episode all around!

And, OMG, I spit out my drink when reading the awful dialogue from the Sonny/Claire scene. Really, Bob Guza, really?! This one made me throw up a little:

Sonny: You've got very expressive eyes. It's like a window into your soul.

Nasty....but oh so funny at the same time

and Jax set fire to the hopes and dreams of my thirteen-year-old, Brenda and Jax loving self.

Ok I read this blog religiously but I don't really leave comments but I had to after reading this because really....I understand completely and possibly had the same reaction you did although mine might have been more anger and less sad.

So I admit I used to love Spinelli, but now the mere sight of him makes me want to vomit. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm soooo glad Maxie moved on because she deserves way better than him.

I'm a fairly new viewer, but I'm liking Brenda so far. She seems like a breath of fresh air from the Carlys of the world. Of course, I'm just counting the days til that ends, because we all know Guza can't let me be happy for more than one second...

GRRRR. WHY AM I STILL WATCHING THIS SHOW?

Sonny and Claire...the money's on the dresser...that's what the guy said in all those old B movies I used to watch when I had trouble sleeping...just awful, awful, awful!!!

I have not watched today's episode yet on the ol' DVR, but thank God I know what's coming. I fast forward ALL SONNY AND CLAIRE regardless, but dammit, Mallory..the phrase

"POST-COITAL WINE DRINKING."

That is a descriptive phrase I could have done without, but THEN you had to go and put a screen cap with it???? With Claire in the bra with the weird Creature from the Black Lagoon hand on the glass? AND THEN THE WIFE BEATER TANK TOP AND BED HEAD AND HORRID GIANT ROBE??

I thought you loved us Serial Drama readers, Mal. That is cruel and unusual punishment in the EXTREME. I think I have to cancel my wine club membership....

I heart Adrienne Barbeau like a cheesy fan girl, so I'm going to heart her no matter what she says. I just have to pretend she's talking about Snake Pliskin in Escape from New York.

La, la, la, la...not living in reality...not living in reality....

My DVr didn't tape this episode...it apparently is equally offended by Sonny and Claire's nasty romp.

I was really excited during the Spin/Dante scenes - I kept chanting "Punch him in the Face!". But no luck. Don't they know just that one thing could make up for so much? Although not for Sonny/Clair - it makes me happy I have a day job, so I'm not tempted to watch this crap live, with no ability to ffwd.

ughhh at Adrienne Barbeau falling for Jason

I don't find Brenda to be THAT different from Carly. #justsayin

As for the rest of the show, all I have is a deep sigh.

The only positive about today's show was that Adrienne Barbeau changed her clothes and it covered her bouncing boobies

I'll be honest - I never cared for Spinelli to begin with. His way with words, his mannerisms...I'm a bit ashamed to admit this but the scenes in which Sonny always vented his frustration with Spinelli being...all Spinelli-like, I actually sort of half-enjoyed those scenes. By which, I mean that I didn't want to throw anything at the screen. I'm glad I missed the vomit-fest that was Sonny and Rees...er, Claire. So many women, it's a bit hard to keep track.

I'm tempted to tell the show to go to hell, but I'm reasonably sure that hell actually IS this episode of General Hospital

HA! Good point.

Did anyone notice that at some point, Sonny was concerned he couldn't put what he was feeling into words, and Clare suggested he "try to fumble through it" (or something to that effect)?

I'm pretty sure fumbling-through is Sonny's only available means of communication, at least in situations where shouting "faithless whore", "you betrayed me" or just outright shooting someone aren't appropriate.

I worry about you, Mallory. Your continued viewing of this Guza-scribed crap fest suggests a strong masochistic streak.

Should I call Christine O'Donnell and see if we can form a prayer circle for you...?

LOL Dirk Mancuso.... you have written my favorite comment of all time. Thank you for a great laugh.... LOL

Mallory--great post as always. I could not even read what Claire and Sonny said to each other let alone watch UGH too awful for words.

Spinelli double UGH. His self serving smirk must be wipe off from his face. I loathe the character of Spinelli now.

I hate Dante the airhog so much, that Spin being condescending and hating on him is something I can identify with.

re: Sonny/Claire

It's dialogue like this that give soaps a bad name, and it's scenes like this that make me wish I could stay away....

The child who plays Josslyn looks eerily like Ingo Rademacher, except her buzz cut is blonder.

i'm so glad i msised the soclaire sex scenes after having seen the notemily/nik sex scene i prefer not to watch absolute sleaze o ndaytime tv. am i the only one who thinks ds cant act?

Is it wrong that I kind of enjoyed the Jason/Brenda scenes on Tuesday?

(ducking as Mallory throws barware at my head)

How soon will you update your blog? I’m interested in reading some more information on this issue.

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