In Which I Go Deaf, Dumb and Blind
Taken on its own, I could probably deal with Spinelli berating Dante for having the temerity to do his job.
And on another day, I might be able to accept Adrienne Barbeau (Adrienne Barbeau!) being indoctrinated into the Church of St. Jason.
And since we'd all seen the (sleazy) writing on the (bathroom) wall for a Sonny/Claire hookup from the very moment she came to Port Charles and, in a stilted and overly enunciated manner, ran down a laundry list of his sins, I...okay, the truth is that I am in no way emotionally equipped to deal with that.
With any of that, actually! And for General Hospital to cram all of that offensiveness into one small hour was just a cruel move on the part of General Hospital. I'm tempted to tell the show to go to hell, but I'm reasonably sure that hell actually IS this episode of General Hospital and I'm both too kind a person to wish that on my worst enemy and also reasonably certain that the GH powers-that-be wouldn't see it as a punishment at all. "Oh, I LOVE this one!", they'd say before spending the hour eagerly reciting words along with their favorite characters...
Where to begin? Let's begin with Spinelli's extended temper tantrum, since I don't want Sonny and Claire's romp to ick up the front page of the blog.
Spinelli: The Jackal will not divulge confidential information ESPECIALLY not to you.
Dante: Okay, you people have no idea who you are dealing with.
Spinelli: True. I never heard mention of The Balkan* until I was asked to research him. He's somewhat of a legend in Europe but virtually unknown in the States. So how would you, a lowly New York cop**, come to know of a man like this?
Dante: Could you just tell me if you've come up with something?
Spinelli: If I have, I wouldn't share it with you.
Dante: We are on the same side for this!
Spinelli: You seem to think that your betrayals carry some sort of expiration date. That after time all should be forgiven. But the repercussions of your gross misdeeds continue to reverberate. Young Sir was sent to prison***, Stone Cold was forced to follow **** to ensure Michael's safety. HEINOUS events occurred, all of which YOU are directly responsible for*****.
Dante: That's the biggest regret of my life so far. If I could take it back, I would. But since that's not a possibility, I've done everything within my power to make it right. I got Michael out of prison, I got the charges against Sonny in Johnny's shooting dropped. Don't you think I deserve a couple of check marks in the plus column?
Spinelli******: I see how you do it. The affable mien, the feigned honesty. It's quite appealing to the unsuspecting like Fair Lulu. She still has no idea what a smooth liar you are, or how easily you can drop kick her heart.
Dante: You are wrong. I love Lulu. She means everything to me and I would lay down my life in a heartbeat for her if I had to.
Spinelli: I sincerely hope that Fair Lulu comes to her senses and leaves you so you can experience the broken heart you so richly deserve*******.
* I am already sick of hearing the name "The Balkan", which does not bode well for me because he hasn't even appeared on screen yet.
** I'm not really sure how to properly convey the amount of condescension and loathing in Spinelli's voice when he said that phrase
*** Because of the coverup Dante had nothing to do with...
****** Look at how damn smug his face was throughout that speech.
Forget The Eternal City, the real nickname for Rome should be The City of Shenanigans because oh em gee, the hilarity today with Brenda and Jason and Adrienne Barbeau! There were hijinks about corsets, and tuxedos and clip on ties, and I am going to start choking on my sarcasm in a second.
Since this show is pretty much an unrelenting pit of horror, I should be grateful for even the shortest light-hearted moment, but despite Vanessa Marcil and Steve Burton's best efforts, all of this fell flat for me, especially because it seemed to go on and on and...on.
But before Jason found himself in a tux at a gala, he found himself on the receiving end of Adrienne Barbeau's besotted stare.
Jason: I was going to have Brenda call you.
Adrienne Barbeau: You don't have to use a go-between. You can call me any time.
Brenda: Are you serious?
Adrienne Barbeau: He's very talented, isn't he?
Brenda: At what, working out?
Adrienne Barbeau: No, his ideas about security and protection are very creative and bold.
Brenda: Are you blushing? Because that would be my worst nightmare.
Adrienne Barbeau: What are you talking about?
Brenda: I'm talking about the fact that you're wearing a dress. That's not black.
Adrienne Barbeau: What? I'm not allowed to look feminine on occasion?
Brenda: Sure you can look feminine, but--oh my god. Are you trying to look feminine for Jason?
Adrienne Barbeau: We need Jason. He's very charming and useful.
Brenda: Oh my god, did you just say charming? I'm going to vomit...[...]Listen, you can't fall for Jason. He kills people. Not theoretically. He actually does it, I don't know if you picked up on that or not.
Adrienne Barbeau: Well, dangerous men don't put me off unless they are so filled with their own menace that they can't see through it and Jason's not like that.
Adrienne Barbeau: He's cuddly.
Let's ignore, for a second, the bizarre adjectives she used to describe Jason (cuddly? Charming? Useful?). What the hell kind of person hears that they've been interacting with a full-time murderer and doesn't immediately make a hasty retreat in the manner of Abe Simpson?
Adrienne Barbeau, I expected--actually, I didn't expect better than you, since it was wholly impossible for Jason to join your story without receiving all sorts of fawning, but still! I am disappointed.
I don't even know what to say about Sonny and Claire. I am disgusted, obviously. Horrified, even. To say that they lack chemistry would be the understatement of the year; it's safer to say that they exhibit anti-chemistry. And while I covered my eyes for most of their sex scene, I did catch a glimpse of their uncomfortable making out and Dahlia Salem even manages to overact whilst kissing!
Then there was the dialogue, obviously cribbed from either a cheesy romance novel or an especially bad fanfic...
Claire: I think I thought about this a lot more than I should have and I'd like this to be exactly the way I imagined.
Sonny: You've got very expressive eyes. It's like a window into your soul.
Claire: You have more money than you can spend, power that most people can never imagine. Kids, mothers of those kids, ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends, all vying for your attention and approval. And yet you're one of the loneliest men I've ever known.
Sonny: Not tonight.
And their weird post-coital wine drinking...
And their eventual discovery of Max and Diane fooling around on the patio (after sitting down to eat Claire and Sonny's dinner. Who does that?), notable for Sonny's tank top and bedhead and Claire's oversized bathrobe.
Sometimes there are no words. There is only disgusted shuddering accompanied by retching noises.
In other Port Charles news, Lucky's Irish adventures continue to be more fun and enjoyable than I ever expected (and he got a kiss from Siobhan who, incidentally, is bugging me less than she did last week, although her hat drives me crazy. It's just so itchy looking), we got a glimpse of fat-headed Joss
(!!! Love her!)
and Jax set fire to the hopes and dreams of my thirteen-year-old, Brenda and Jax loving self.
Jax: I've never met a woman I couldn't leave until you. So I will fight for us for as long and for as hard as you'll let me.
Carly: Well, there's only one thing to say: welcome home!
The part of me that is eternally a middle-schooler just let out a shriek of agony and is screaming, "Why, Bob Guza? Why can't you just let me be happy? WHYYYYYYY?".
("How is that different from your present day self?", you wonder. Not very, dear readers. Not very.)