Serial Drama

The end of the "World"

The last episode of As The World Turns is airing later this month. We turned to one of our favorite soap bloggers, Patrick Erwin of A Thousand Other Worlds, for his perspective on the end of an era. --M & B. 

As some of you may have heard, another daytime soap opera, As The World Turns, is ending on September 17th.

Mallory and Becca asked me to share a few thoughts with you on the end of the show. Because they're awesome. And also, because ATWT is one of the Shows They Don't Watch Because There Are Not Enough Hours in the Day.

(Though, seriously? There are only six left now and with commercials and Tivo to FF through the mortifying parts, that's like an hour and a half, tops.)

So if you're unfamiliar with ATWT, I'll clue you in here. Serial Drama-style: a little mocking and a lot of love.

So who can I mock first?

Well, if One Life to Live had their Dukes of Darkness - Todd Manning and John McBain - ATWT had their own dour, depressing duo.

In one mopey corner, you had Paul Ryan, played by the original (or is that "real?") Todd from OLTL, Roger Howarth. Paul Ryan was supposed to be moody and dark, the son of James Stenbeck (think: Stefano DiMera with better suits and less facial hair).

You could usually tell how depressed or angry Paul was by (a) how horribly he treated the woman in his life and (b) the shade of highlights in his hair. The lighter the hair, the higher the doze of Prozac.

The other half of this utterly captivating duo was Dusty Donovan. 80s soap fans may remember this role originally played by Brian Bloom, a Tiger Beat pinup with unnaturally blue eyes. Dusty 2.0 was played by Grayson McCouch, a capable actor who was nevertheless saddled with a character who should have just been subtitled "Sonny Corinthos East."

If Dusty had a social networking profile, it might look like this.

LIKES: Raising children I didn't sire, significantly younger women, squinting angrily at people. DISLIKES: Direct sunlight, haircuts.

Sonny With a Chance (Of Over-the-Top Propping)

Today, Brenda and Sonny had a (seemingly endless) conversation about how it's OKAY that Sonny has done all of the horrible things he has because...well, because he loves his kids.

It's not that I am surprised. 

Revolted and hate-filled? Yes. I am both of those things.  

Sadly resigned to Brenda's new role on the show? Yes, that too. I should have seen it unfolding exactly this way, really, and I am kicking myself for not predicting this! Bob Guza has been saying for quite some time now that Brenda would play a big role in redeeming Sonny, and I'm not foolish enough to think that said redemption would happen organically and soapily, because this is Bob Guza's General Hospital, where good things go to die after a long period of back-burnering. I should have known that his idea of redemption is to have Brenda pretty much say, "How can I redeem you when you didn't do anything wrong in the first place?".

But surprised? No.

Well, okay, maybe a little surprised at just how OUT OF CONTROL it was.

Laying It On A Lot Thick

I really shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.  This was, after all, an episode of One Life to Live entirely bereft of Fords or anyone related (that we know of) to Fords.  In and of itself, that made this an above-par episode by current-day standards.  But they certainly weren't going for the lighter touch today, were they?

Oh, but something to celebrate!

Roxy's back!  No explanation for where she's been all these months, but again... gift horse.  And they actually had her acknowledge that Schuyler is her son and that she's been visiting him in prison!  It's about time.  Of course it mostly just functioned as a reason for Roxy to talk about the damage that lying about paternity can do (even though that one's more of a maternity lie than a babydaddy lie) so that Natalie could stand there looking incredibly uncomfortable and dart her widened eyes from side to side and unconvincingly announce that she's "fine," right up until she's ready to 'fess up to Roxy when, naturally, John enters.

Speaking of people being incredibly uncomfortable and darting their widened eyes from side to side and being unconvincingly "fine," Jessica was yet again a bad liar today at the hospital (those kooky sisters have so much in common!). Thankfully that obnoxious nurse wasn't around today to loudly laugh about how she mixed up the twins' babies' paternities to anyone who would listen.  I'm pretty sure that's about twenty-three violations.  This time, there was only slightly-more-discreet Vivian to deal with and she managed to keep her mouth shut and let Jess know what's important.  As if to mirror the "lying does so much damage" super-subtle conversation across town between Roxy and Natalie and then John and Natalie, Brody lays it on insanely thick during the ultrasound.

Brody: Oh my god.  That's our kid.  We created that little baby, you and me.  Because we love each other, there's a little baby getting bigger and stronger and getting ready to join this world and share a life with us.  Thank you.

Dastardly David's Dying ("Dying?") Drama

David Hayward, Pine Valley's resident best doctor ever/person most likely to tie someone to train tracks, is dead...OR IS HE?

No, he's totally not. Unless Vincent Irizarry's contract negotiations go poorly, in which case he might be. So I'll amend that statement to no, he's probably not.

How can I be so sure? Well, I could point to the conversation he had with Liza last week which was filled with all sorts of "Imagine me twirling an invisible mustache because I have a cunning plan" subtext:

David: I think you would be one hell of a district attorney.

Liza: Oh, please. You don't give a damn what kind of D.A. I would make unless somehow you would benefit from it.

David: All right, Liza, just look at this as an opportunity. You get the job you've always wanted, and I get a friendly D.A. just in case.

I could also mention that David has demonstrated a fondness for pretending to be dying in order to screw with people and ask if it's a big leap to go from "pretending to be dying" to "pretending to be dead" (answer: it's not).

But the REAL reason I'm so sure that he's not really dead is this: AS IF the AMC writers would permanently get rid of David! Not having David would mean that they'd need to figure out ways to give their heroes and heroines (I use both of those terms loosely) an antagonist, and their storylines a villain, in some sort of organic way, which is way harder than just half-assedly inserting David into all of their stories as a jack-of-all-devious-trades. And if David isn't around for all of Pine Valley to blame for their poor life decisions, the writers would have to actually start giving the characters some degree of self-awareness and personal growth and I think we can all agree that it will be a cold day in hell before either of those things happen, so I think it's pretty safe to assume that David is alive and cackling to himself about the ways he can eff with Ryan from beyond the pretend grave.

Speaking of: David is dead ("dead"?) and Ryan can't remember what happened just now! Isn't that a crazy coincidence?

Seriously?

Because really.  That was the main reaction today's One Life to Live elicited from me. 

Dani had time to wash and blow dry her hair awful-fancy right after her mom died.  Curls, even!

Seriously?

Blair was perfectly set up to kick some ass and save her damn self, but since this is ABC Daytime, John McBain swooped in at the last second and saved the day.

Seriously?

Also, Ford did this:

And Langston referred to it as "being all nice." 

Seriously?

Pinning your NEW STUDENT against the wall and spouting absolutely horrific dialogue like, "You deserve someone better like Markko or James, someone who'll put you up on a pedestal -- I know I don't do that.  But I'd like to learn."  He'd like to learn?  I'd like to barf everywhere.  Also?  If he'd like to learn how to treat a woman properly, he's not going to learn from Langston, of all people.  She's not some sparkling example of strength and humanity that's going to help him find the good guy inside of him.  She's bland and weak and hokey and gullible and a cheater and once upon a time he played her and they had hot sex as a result and now they suck the life out of any scene they're in together.  Oh, and while he's at trying to learn how to treat women a little better, why doesn't he try -- call me crazy -- not to seduce his mothertrucking student?!

Oh and there was a dumb mirrored scene in which another guy tried to get a girl to pay attention to him and she was oh-so-flustered and protested too much and blah blah blah.  So they're planning to get Starr and James together in precisely the same manner they're planning to get Langston and Ford back together?  In alternating scenes, no less?  In which the female of the pair insists she wants nothing to do with the male of the pair until he just wears her down, because he knows better?  Charming, genre-with-a-heavily-female demographic.  Charming.  Something came out of my dog's ass that I had to carefully pick up with a bag in Central Park this morning that I'd rather watch for an hour every day than that.

Oh and then?

Anatomy Of A Freakout

OH MY GOD.

It turns out that the whole "Sonny is skipping bail and going to Rome to seek out Brenda" thing, the one that made me groan a heavy groan meant to convey complete and utter dread at a coupling that will more likely than not lead to the ruination of Brenda's character, actually has the silverest of silver linings: we got to see Carly lose her freaking marbles and every individual marble loss was more hilarious than the one that came before.

Below, Carly's head exploding, paraphrased (except for actual, real life lines that were just too good not to commemorate, which are italicized).

CARLY: Where is he, Jason? Where's Sonny? Where's Sonny, Jason? Where is he?
JASON: Don't you...hate Sonny?
CARLY: YEAH, JASON, I DO. That's what makes it even more important for me to know where he is.

JASON: How does that...?
CARLY: Because it's ME doing the hating, Jason. ME. I deserve to know where he is.
JASON: That's not a very good reason.
CARLY: I also need to know because...because it's really important for Michael. And, you know...the little guy.
JASON: Okay, okay. I will tell you, but we need to stay calm. How about we take just a deep breath together?
CARLY: Jason!
JASON: How about we count to ten?
CARLY: No, I'm fine. Why are you being like this? This won't shock me. I'm unshockable.
JASON: I'm pretty sure Sonny went to Rome to see Brenda.
CARLY: I'll fucking cut her.

This Is A Different Definition of Suspenseful Than The One I'm Familiar With

General Hospital has been attempting to inject drama and tension into situations where the outcome is so clearly telegraphed that you could almost perfectly predict entire conversations leading up to said outcome (the only thing keeping your predictions from being entirely perfect are the amount of stammers and botched phrases you'd attribute to Maurice Benard). I mean, really, we were supposed to be literally sitting on the edge of our seats, biting our fingernails and wondering, "Oh my gosh, will Sonny be denied bail and have to go immediately to Pentonville?!?! I mean, I know that the last thirty times he has been in this EXACT SITUATION, that has not happened, but what if that happens now and means we have to wait even longer for his random Roman reunion with Brenda? Also, CLAUSTROPHOBIA!" and "Are Jason and Sam and Lucky going to survive this shootout?!?! I WONDER! I wonder if the single most important person to this show, and two other people who are kind of useful to the writers sometimes, is going to survive being shootout for the millionth time. And while I am hysterical with worry, let me ask another question: is he going to be HEROIC?"

So imagine my surprise today when something truly, hugely, and completely shocking took place. Are you sitting down? You should probably be sitting down when you read this: multiple Quartermaines appeared on the show today.

Multiple!

Quartermaines!

At first, I wondered if the heat (I have spent most of this week complaining endlessly about the heat to anyone who will listen and I feel slightly bad about it, but not totally, because September 1st should not be 95 degrees!) had caused me to hallucinate. And, the presence of Brook aside, it would have been a pretty nice hallucination, with Tracy and Monica being all snarky with each other--

Monica: Why would she, or anybody for that matter, want to stick around this house and hear nothing but abuse from Tracy?

Including sparring about who would pack Tracy's bags upon her exit from Monica's house (I love when Monica points out that it's her house. Remind me again why Leslie Charleson had to be bumped down to recurring?), and Edward texting Alice (!!! He is so presh!) and also being adorably proud of Brook Lynn for no real reason:

Edward: Good for you! You called her on her true motives.

I found that endlessly cute, because it reminded me of my own grandfather, who once almost burst with pride when I mentioned that, on my first time out and about alone in Boston, I had found a Dunkin Donuts. Anybody who has ever been to Boston understands that this is nothing remarkable, since there is a Dunkin Donuts every three feet, but he was so excited and happy for me.

The rest of the show, as you might have guessed, was completely without merit, which is what clued me in that this was for real. Sonny may not have been on, but he was talked about a whole lot, and when that happens, my eyes start to close...