We're Sending Our Love Down The Well
After taking Lisa by surprise and hitting her, leading to an amusingly flail-y fall, Robin took off running through the woods. Her off-screen trek took about three seconds before it was ended by a scream accompanying her tumble down a well.
Down a well.
On the one hand, these well-related hijinks will allow me to use "Well, well, well" as a framing device for this post; provided the perfect opportunity to reference a classic Simpsons episode; and are setting up Robin's vision of Stone, complete with a return by Michael Sutton, that I am already TERRIFIED about. Really, some people go to horror movies for scares, but I tune into General Hospital. Will Robin/Stone scenes be amazing in a way that their history deserves, or will they be torched in slow motion as I stand by, powerless? Again, TERRIFIED.
But on the other hand: A WELL. This family winds up in the silliest near-death situations.
Well...Lisa is a stone cold bitch.
We all knew that bitch crazy, but it also turns out that bitch bitchy.
Lisa: You know, I don't think you ever grew up. I think you were always old. Always this little old lady judging everyone around you, scolding them if they don't live up to your standards of excellence and decorum. And I have to admit that when I first came to Port Charles, it mystified me, why everyone defers to you. Like, where does this authority come from and how did you get put on a pedestal so high that you feel qualified to look down on everybody else?
Robin: Maybe you feel looked down upon because you're a slut who's been trying to seduce a married man.
Lisa: It's an ordinary sin, Robin. It happens all the time. You know, people work together, they get a little too familiar. One thing happens and an affair ends up manifesting. And yes, it is uncomfortable but it's not the end of the world. Unless, of course, the scorned wife is the sainted Robin Scorpio and that's what raises a garden variety infidelity to the level of grand tragedy, because you have HIV. Which, of course, is the answer to the mystery I just mentioned: why everyone defers to you. And now that I think about it, that's how you got Patrick in the first place.
Lisa: We both know how much Patrick loves a challenge. And you, with your snotty little attitude, was like a red flag for him. I mean, he had to just flirt with you and get you to sleep with him, and he couldn't just back down when he found out that you had HIV. That would be bigoted! Prejudiced!
I'm sorry, what? I attempted to analyze that line of reasoning, but it was all crazy melded with offensiveness and I had to give up.
Lisa spent a lot of today monologuing about Robin and Patrick, and the myriad ways that Robin has ruined Patrick and how irrational Robin is. Like...a lot of today. Don't get me wrong, I am always grateful for an episode of GH that gives the non-mob stories more than eight minutes of screentime, but it sort of distracted me, because I kept assuming that each scene would be the last scene of this story that we'd get until, like, Thursday.
Brianna Brown continues to play a nutbar with complete gusto. She's definitely selling the whole "The crazy is always the last to know about his/her deranged mental state" aspect of the story; you can so plainly see how much Lisa believes the ridiculous story she's concocted. And her monotone "Robin? What are you doing?" after Robin took off was so flat and emotionless that it made me laugh (and made me think of Willy Wonka's bland "Help. Police. Murder" after the group lost Augustus Gloop in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That's a compliment, Brianna Brown!). And Kimberly McCullough is right there with her, reacting with a variety of "Nutty ho say what?" facial expressions and some well-timed zingers that fell on deaf, deranged ears.
(Also, back at the hospital, Steve and Patrick discussed this escapade in hushed, serious tones; it seemed like Scott Reeves and Jason Thompson were having a contest to see who could be raspier. It reminded me of Jack Donaghyand Devon Banks except, you know...on a crappy show.)
Well...I am even fast-forwarding Brenda scenes.
WHY, GENERAL HOSPITAL? Why can't I have nice things? Why can't the return of my all-time favorite soap character be a reason for celebration? Why is she stuck in Rome, in such a silly story? And why does she talk about Sonny so damn much?
Brenda: It will help me to know that he's happy. It will help me move on. I need to know if someone else has made him happy.
You know what makes ME happy? Not having to hear about the wants and needs of Sonny Corinthos. Hence my often sour-disposition and reliance on the fast-forward button.
And speaking of!
Sonny: There's one thing we got to figure out, though.
Claire: What's that?
Sonny: What's what? Couch or bed?
2. Maurice Benard's performance in today's episode could be submitted as his reel for the "What the fuck language is that?" awards. It was a showcase of all of his worst tics and a staggering inability to get a sentence out in less than a full minute.
4. Carly's enjoyment of the trainwreck that is this pairing was practically delightful, but it was marred by the fact that it was probably the fiftieth (I'm guessing...and rounding down) time we've watched people have a conversation about Sonny using Claire as a distraction. And it was also, perhaps irreparably, marred by the unfortunate event taking place on Laura Wright's head.