An Instant Mood Deflater
It doesn't happen often, but I was actually almost looking forward to watching All My Children today after two enjoyable episodes.
Well, comparatively enjoyable.
Well, comparatively enjoyable and the result of my fast-forwarding the vast majority of the show (Do you blame me?! What with the Rylee Horror Picture Show and Krystal--KRYSTAL!--having the audacity to snark on Annie for being promiscuous? I mean, yes, sleeping with Adam and Scott and JR in short order is an...interesting life path, but it's KRYSTAL. BABE's mother).
And since today was a day where everything just went--to use my new favorite word--swimmingly, I thought that AMC would follow suit and be all kinds of fantastic.
That...did not happen. Even a little bit.
What follows is probably not safe for work (unless you work in an environment that thrives on the painful disintegration of a person's will to live) and definitely not safe for life.
Even though I try my hardest to skip any and all scenes involving the alleged great love of Ryan and Greenlee, I accidentally catch some of it. And today, it took up such an obscene amount of airtime that there was no way to miss it. And it was HELLISH.
Ryan took the witness stand to throw himself under a bus for Greenlee, and Jackson's line of questioning went down TruLuv<3 Lane.
Ryan: No matter who we were with or what we were doing, we just always had a connection.
Ryan: I didn't take the marriage very seriously until I realized...
Jackson: Realized what?
Ryan: That I was developing feelings I'd never felt before. What we had was more than two people who clicked. It just kind of felt like something was putting us together.
Something WAS putting you together. A series of increasingly hackish and unimaginative writing regimes.
Jackson: A year and a half ago, you thought Greenlee had died. How did you feel then?
Ryan: Like I'd lost part of myself.
Jackson: Because you never stopped loving her.
Jackson: Even though she was married. Even though she told you she didn't love you. Even though she told you she didn't need your help.
Ryan: She needed me and I would do absolutely anything for her. She needed me and I would do absolutely anything for her.
Doesn't just reading that make you want to pack it all in and pursue an Amish lifestyle? Well, on the show, it was paired with flashbacks. OH MY LORD, THE FLASHBACKS. Like, "Hey, people too dim-witted to dump this show like the rotting carcass that it so often is, remember when you saw this terrible thing happen the first time it aired? Here it is again! And don't forget to tune in tomorrow for a re-airing of a classic episode about this, the greatest romance to ever air!".
The sole highlight was poor Madison watching all of this unfold, a combination of hatred, despair and disgust coming out of every pore. And then she did something amazing:
Ryan: Madison, I am so sorry that you had to hear that.
Madison: Why? It was the truth, right?
Ryan: Yes, but I swear to you, I didn't know until I was saying it out loud.
Madison: What are we doing, Ryan?
Madison: No. You don't have to say it. We're over. You and I are finished.
For daring to displease the Lord of the Douche People, Madison will be shuttled off to the backburner immediately and this speech of hers probably pushed the Rylee reunion up a few weeks, but STILL. It was so worth it for the slack-jawed "Did she just...?" look on Ryan's face at the close of the episode.
"Well," you might ask. "What about Zach and Kendall, who you considered the undisputed MVP of Friday and Monday's episodes?"
Zach: Some things can't be fixed by you, Kendall.
Kendall: So that's it? We're done talking?
Zach: Done talking? We're never done talking. It's what we did for a year. During dinner, on walks, in bed. Talk about how this relationship almost broke because of your behavior. You come back here and you jump right back into it!
Kendall: I was helping two friends who desperately needed it.
Zach: They will always desperately need it. Always. But it's our relationship on the line, not theirs.
Misplaced anger, rehashing of issues that have already been rehashed to death, and dialogue that completely contradicts the episodes that came before it. Fanfuckingtastic. I know this is all really about Zach's casino problems, which (I'm guessing) will facilitate Thorsten Kaye's exit, but come on. How many times do we really need to go down this road?