Just to make sure we're all on the same page (even though it's impossible that you could wind up on a different page, because even if you are watching the show on mute, facial expressions easily tell this story as well as dialogue can. The only way you could be on a different page is if you kicked this sorry excuse for a soap to the curb and if that is the case, you are not only on a different page, you are on a SMART page. And the more I type the word page, the more bizarre it seems), Brenda...
Is back in town.
And AWESOME. And GLORIOUS. And DIVINE.
Also, she SAVES CHILDREN. CHILDREN!
And she is meant to be with Sonny.
And is better than you, pretty much, on account of the aforementioned awesomeness and gloriousness, and so on.
Look, I LOVE Brenda Barrett. She's probably my favorite soap character of all time. The only thing keeping me from being a card-carrying member of a Brenda Barrett fan club is the unfortunate lack of a membership card. So if even I, through rose-colored glasses with "I ♥ Brenda" emblazoned on the side in crystals, am filled with dread wondering just how far over-the-top with this stuff the writers can go...well, it says a whole lot about the GH writers and their ability to ruin EVERYTHING.
The woman of the hour/day/week/month/year/decade spent the day with Sonny and Dante, trying not to make her past with Dante (for now, the past is just that he once had a job protecting her.
Could their story go romantic? Who knows? What I do know for sure is that a story with Brenda, Dante AND Sonny is going to eat so much screentime that it will wind up taking up over All My Children and One Life to Live, too) obvious, and making excuses for Sonny's general wretchedness.
Dante: What's a little gunshot between father and son?
Sonny, with an impatient sigh: We're on opposite sides of the law. There's a connection, always was, with us. He doesn't like to admit it, I don't know, it's hard for him.
Dante: I was assigned to working undercover for Sonny, and when I tried to arrest him, he shot me. Right here.
Sonny: I'll tell you again, I regret that.
Dante: Not half as much as I did.
Brenda: Sonny would never do anything to hurt you.
Dante: Imagine what he could do if he actually tried?
Sonny: Okay, you know what? Things are much better now because he helped get me exonerated from the attempted murder charge.
Brenda: Well, that's great. Look, I've known your father for a very long time and he's not perfect, but he is a good man.
WHAT?! NO HUMAN BEING WOULD SAY THOSE THINGS.
Meanwhile, everyone on this episode besides Luke and Siobhan's stupid hat talked about Brenda. And talked. And talked some more. EVERYONE! Even Lucky-as-Ronan got orders to kidnap Brenda.
Sam is insecure.
I'm used to Jason protecting people, you know? Me, Carly, Michael. It happens all the time. Brenda's just the same, except...she's a supermodel and his ex-wife. Lulu, that's the part I'm really struggling with.
Spinelli is a ridiculous, annoying caricature of a human being.
Spinelli: I have seen light, love and happiness.
Lulu: You're falling in love with Brenda?
Spinelli: One of the tenets of courtly love is utter devotion to an unattainable lady, and The Divine One sits high atop a throne of glorious unattainability. She has captured the Jackal's heart and made it whole again.
Carly is a hysterical, jealous she-beast.
Jason: Jax could have gone after Brenda any time, but he didn't. He married you. He's Josslyn's father. He's not going to give that up for Brenda.
Carly: He's not like you. She could work him. She's already trying, visiting the office, trying to reconnect as friends. I don't know how to fight her, you know? Because if I tear into her, she's going to play the victim, and if I throw down with Jax, he's going to say I'm pushing him away and he's going to turn to Brenda, so all I can do is show him what he stands to lose, and how many times can you have sex on a desk?
It's about Brenda. She has to go. I don't care if you put her on a plan, a bus or dog sled. Whatever. Just get her out of Port Charles.
Lulu is blissfully ignorant of her boyfriend's past and her storyline's future.
Did you fall under Brenda's spell like every other man in the world?
And Robin left her damn fool mind at the bottom of that well, because she's all about reuniting Sonny and Brenda.
Jax: Why would you do that to Brenda?
Robin: I always thought they were good together.
Jax: Good? Really? Wow. She was shot at, and she was abducted and she suffered a nervous breakdown while she was with Sonny.
Robin: Jax, that was a long time ago.
Jax: Yes, and some things should be left in the past. She's made a good life for herself. She just got done telling me how much she loves living in Rome and doing her charity work. Why would you encourage a reunion with Sonny?
Robin: With all due respect, you're a little biased on the subject.
Jax: Yes, with good reason. I had a front row seat to their disastrous relationship for many years. If anyone knows, I know. She deserves better.
Robin: Isn't that Brenda's call to make?
Jax: If it is, her friends should be protecting her.
Robin: I'm--look, I know how much you care about Brenda, but I'm asking you as her friend: let her and Sonny figure it out for themselves.
I cannot even with this show.