Serial Drama

On Conflicts and Contrivance

If I were a resident of Port Charles (I normally don't like playing this game of hypotheticals because being a woman in Port Charles in her twenties means that I'd either (a) have slept with Sonny Corinthos or (b) be dead and both of those things bum me out) and had a child, I would never let them out of my sight. I'm talking carrying them around in a Baby Bjorn until they are old enough to enroll in self defense courses, because children in Port Charles wind up kidnapped more often than not and not only that, they wind up kidnapped by nefarious evildoers who have the kind of superhuman speed and reflexes that allow them to lurk undetected outside of coffee shops and steal a child in less than two seconds.

LESS THAN TWO SECONDS.

Really: Emma and Robin go to Kelly's to pick up a coffee and a muffin and after making small talk with Johnny, Ethan, and Michael, start to leave until the waitress calls after Robin that she lost her coffee. While most waitresses would walk the extra ten steps and bring the drink over to the patron who was halfway out the door, this waitress did not, so Robin turned her back for 1.6 seconds and someone (Lisa) dressed just like Robin in a witch costume takes Emma's stroller and makes a break for it, getting a hilarious side-eye from Emma in the process.

"We're going down this road again, bitch? You know, my mom said I can call you a bitch. Bitch."

I love her. I love the fact that she sat in her stroller, completely resigned to the fact that this was happening. These people are completely out of ideas, aren't they?

Not that I want her traumatic ordeal to be a long one, because her short life has been one drama after another, but part of me wants her to be missing long enough to warrant posting a Missing Person poster, if only to see the phrase "Last seen wearing a FREAKING ADORABLE lamb costume".

Anatomy of a Rivalry (And So On)

It's not that there isn't plenty to mock on this week's One Life to Live.  Todd tried to make out with John, yesterday's "classic" episode made us wish for the better show this once was, Todd was ready to give up on his daughter, his granddaughter, and the mother of most of his children -- but when he heard Tea was alive and in that building, he mustered up the strength of Hercules and saved the day!  On Monday they got part of the way through a major reveal in which Greg casually mentioned that he killed Destiny's birth mother (I'm not sure why we needed this detail since Destiny had already reacted as if the thought of being adopted was a FATE WORSE THAN DEATH), and today was Thursday and we've yet to have any follow-up.  Apparently the Evans family was cool to let it marinate for a day before they probed any further.  I can't really blame them, their son the world-famous surgeon does still need to (a) occasionally remind himself and his patients that brains are not feet and (b) run down the hallway having a temper tantrum to let off some steam.  OLTL's on a tight budget and if they don't let Greg take his time making his confession, lord knows what kind of damage he might do to the set.  Oh and we also learned that when one has a great deal of money and chooses to use it by being generous to a good friend on her birthday, one has deeply questionable values.  Important things we've learned lately!

I digress.  A lot.  Back to business: a good rivalry on a soap can be a fun time.  Even when it's between two characters I like, even when it's cattier than I prefer to see women behaving.  Melissa Archer and Susan Haskell are certainly both capable of bringing plenty of spark to a scene, especially when the claws are out.  So while part of me thinks that Natalie and Marty are both above whatever pettiness is about to ensue in their rivalry, there have been some good moments of "coincidence" that make them vulnerable to one another and privy to one another's darker secrets.  Here's the part that I resent: the very beat upon which this rivalry was set up all wrong was a plot point designed only and entirely to absolve John McBain of any culpability for anything.  Ever. 

I'm talking about the fact that John left his serious live-in girlfriend just a couple of weeks after she was pushed down a flight of stairs and lost their baby.  Marty was still grieving when they split and was for some time after.  No man would've gotten away with leaving a woman in this situation, especially to get back together with a (recently-widowed, I might add) ex-girlfriend, so they did what they usually do on this show -- they took it out of John's hands completely.  They had Marty go to John and announce to him that what he really wanted was Natalie and she was "releasing" him.  Naturally, they even had him resist this until she damn near forced him to walk out on her and immediately reunite with Natalie.  Turns out upon doing so, he may very well have impregnated her... I don't know, that very night?  The next night?  So while John and Natalie are together not because John picked Natalie over Marty but because Marty picked Natalie over herself for John, there's a catty rivalry nonetheless because now Natalie is walking around (adorably) preggers by John McBain, a position that all women alive supposedly want to be in, and a position that was tragically taken from Marty.  Marty, who essentially is down to zero ties to the rest of the canvas, so I can see who's likely to win this battle if anyone actually does (if Marty's complete dangerous menace of a son counts as a tie, she's even worse off than I thought), is now being nasty and jealous and intrusive because she's upset about a situation that she created.  It's a strange train of logic.  But as I said, the two actresses have some serious fire in their scenes together and I am holding out hope that said fire can work it hard enough to overcome a bizarre beginning to this mutual semi-competition.  However, I'll continue to resent that the bizarre beginning only existed to make John look better in that he never has to ever make a damn decision.

Speaking Of Custody Battles...What Writer Has Custody Of Talent?

Even though, in an effort to preserve my sanity, I watched All My Children and promised myself that I would skip any and all scenes regarding Greenlee's trial, and Ryan's testimony, and their status as--let's all gag in unison--star-crossed lovers, I still ended the show peeved beyond all reason.

Why? BECAUSE MARISSA, is why.

The custody battle is quite nearly as big a farce as Greenlee's trial, what with its blatant misrepresentation of the legal system and the fact that it is based on the most ludicrous premise possible: JR doesn't deserve custody of his son because he's hooking up with Annie. He not only doesn't deserve custody, he doesn't deserve to see his son ever.

In Which I Turn Into Jan Brady

And scream "All we hear about is Brenda. Brenda, Brenda, Brenda!"

I was trying to think of a way to describe the show's Brenda overdose and then it hit me: the constant mentions of Ms. Barrett is like my inner monologue when I was in fifth and sixth grade.

And then it hit me again: this is karma for the span of time where I drove people, my mother in particular, crazy with breathlessly babbling about the adventures of Brenda Barrett. I dropped her name as much as Port Charles residents do, in so many conversations with people who, looking back, were blatantly uninterested. I...am cringing at how annoying I was (and clad in the best of the mid-90s fashions I was. Can we talk about that dark period in time for a while? There was the flannel, and the sunflowers, and I also remember a huge variety of slip dresses). And now that annoyingness is thrown back in my direction. I am to blame for all of this. Please feel free to pelt me with rotten fruit.

Let's take a look at Tuesday's Brendathon.

Question: Did CLAIRE talk about Brenda?
Answer: Yes

 
Claire, as we all heard and were appalled by, wants to keep Brenda alive because she feels that Brenda's death would put a damper on her romance with the wee one. You can tell Claire is a Port Charles newcomer, because any longtime resident knows that it doesn't take anything as life-altering as a dead ex-flame to cause Sonny to check out of a romance; he'd end a relationship because he likes someone else better, because he likes the business better, because he likes the start of the NBA season better. So cram it up your cramhole, Claire.

I still don't understand how she has the authority to tell Dante what to do, but here she is, telling him that he has to keep Brenda alive at any cost.

Dante: Sure, I suppose. Ok. But she's got Jason now. She's going to balk at the thought of having a police guard.
Claire: No, she will not. She will cooperate because Sonny is the love of Brenda's life, and you're his son.

First of all, how the hell would Claire know Brenda's ranking of the loves of her life?

Secondly, if this sweeps period must include a petite brunette being menaced by The Balkan, um...can it be Claire? I find her offensive.

Good Grief (or R.I.P. Elijah Clarke)

I'm sort of exhausted.  I think One Life to Live is doing that on purpose.  I've been insanely busy lately, it's true, and I haven't been able to do my usual routine of watching episodes daily -- this has led to a lot of binge-viewing, and binging is never helpful and it's always a mess.

Did November sweeps start early this year?  I'm no industry expert but I do know sweeps months often extend into following month or actually begin a few days before the end of the preceding month, and this kind of jam-packed "event" action on a soap is usually a ratings stunt.  And... a lot's going on.  Let's examine, shall we?

So Cole shot Eli.

And he does appear to be Really Most Sincerely Dead.

An Instant Mood Deflater

It doesn't happen often, but I was actually almost looking forward to watching All My Children today after two enjoyable episodes.

Well, comparatively enjoyable.

Well, comparatively enjoyable and the result of my fast-forwarding the vast majority of the show (Do you blame me?! What with the Rylee Horror Picture Show and Krystal--KRYSTAL!--having the audacity to snark on Annie for being promiscuous? I mean, yes, sleeping with Adam and Scott and JR in short order is an...interesting life path, but it's KRYSTAL. BABE's mother).

And since today was a day where everything just went--to use my new favorite word--swimmingly, I thought that AMC would follow suit and be all kinds of fantastic.

That...did not happen. Even a little bit.

What follows is probably not safe for work (unless you work in an environment that thrives on the painful disintegration of a person's will to live) and definitely not safe for life.

That Is Some Serious Opposite Logic

General Hospital characters often act in a way that makes me suspect that the writers have very little interaction with other humans because...people don't act like that in real life. I usually don't ask "What in the name of Jason Morgan is wrong with these people?" but, rather, "What kind of assed-up sweeps scenario are the writers lazily setting up here?"

Like, say, Liz's (suddenly rewritten) explanation for her money woes.

Elizabeth: I saw an opportunity to be financially free of Nikolas and at the time, I didn't want anything to do with him. And deep down, I was hoping that if I put enough distance between me and Nikolas, maybe you would come back to me.
Lucky: But I told you that's not going to happen.
Elizabeth: I know, I know.
Lucky: Nothing's changed. I don't want to have to keep saying that.

I mean, aside from the huge WTF? that was Liz trying to say Lucky played a part in her (DANGEROUSLY STUPID) decision to break the boys' trusts for investment purposes, since that is so not how it played out, this conversation seemed like it happened solely to facilitate Siobhan and Lucky's State of the Relationship talk and--I am overreacting in a pessimistic fashion here--setting up the possibility of a Liz/Nikolas/Brook Lynn triangle, if Liz's "at the time, I didn't want anything to do with him" is any indication. Sweeps love triangle? Who knows!

And then there was Sam:

Sam: You cant use Brenda as bait, Jason. You've got to use me.

Why not just have Kelly Monaco say "It's not a real story unless I am being physically threatened somehow!"?

And, yes, this exchange happened so that Dante would once again be Brenda's bodyguard and shenanigans and/or angst will ensue, but look at what she said. Look at what she said! What in the name of Jason Morgan is wrong with her?!

Claire: I'm a fed and he's a mobster. There's always something to worry about. But back to the matter at hand: I want to discuss police protection for Brenda.
Dante: Jason is more than capable of taking care of that.
Claire: Jax doesn't think so, and he has a point. Jason's life revolves around violence. Brenda could easily wind up a casualty in a completely unrelated incident and I would like to keep Brenda safe for my own reasons.
Dante: What are those reasons?
Claire: Well, if something happened to her, Sonny's guilt would be off the charts and that would definitely kill anything we have going on.

There are no words. Only curse words. Curse words lobbed angrily and at an inappropriately high volume at my television. Curse words that appear in an all-caps email to ABC Daytime begging that ridiculous, pathetic character be written off of the show.

Reunions and Rylee: A Recap

Inspired by Louise, and in desperate need of a reason to watch an episode of All My Children all the way through rather than fast-forwarding to parts that don't make me want to projectile vomit, I decided to kick it recap-style for Friday's episode. Read on to see all of the...well, actually, not much happened, and most of what did happen was less than great, with one notable (!), light-hearted (!!) exception.

We begin with Kendall doing her community service grunt-work when Greenlee comes in to ask a favor of her: she wants Kendall to ask Ryan to stay away from the trial. Kendall reluctantly agrees to talk to Ryan, but reminds Greenlee that once Ryan has his mind made up about something, it's not easy to sway him. Probably because his mind is literally incapable of pondering two things at once. Greenlee is nervous, sometimes believing Jackson that there simply isn't enough evidence and sometimes having horror-filled visions of jumpsuits and bad prison food. As she leaves, Kendall attempts to give her a hug and Greens is noticeably squicked out.

 
Ha! I have to say, as much as I enjoy watching Rebecca Budig and Alicia Minshew have such fun together, the show did not let the fallout from Greenlee's (YES, GREENLEE'S) plan to ruin Erica's reputation and her knowledge of the truth behind Erica's plane crash to play out properly. Kendall and Bianca should have been furious with Greenlee for months, but all of that was dropped in an instant as part of the show's "Greenlee did some terrible things. Oh, wait, she didn't really. Nevermind" campaign.

Speaking of Ryan (aren't we always?), he is on the phone with Jackson, who asks if he really wants to go through with the plan to prove Greenlee's innocence at his own expense. Madison catches the tail end of the conversation, in which he tells Jack he'll see him in a few minutes, and wonders why he's going to court, since Greenlee seemed pretty adamant that she wanted him nowhere near the courtroom. She thinks Greenlee has a point, but Ryan insists that he has to be there. Madison offers to go with him, but he basically tells her thanks, but no thanks.

Over at Jesse and Angie's, he has made her French toast and frets that maybe she shouldn't be eating before her amnio, but she assures him that she could even jog if she wants to. OF COURSE, talk turns to the trial and Angie admits that she's not so sure the right person was arrested for David's murder.

Back in court, Liza and Jackson spar the way that television prosecutors and defense attorneys do, all politely-delivered insults about the other looking tired.

At the hospital, Kendall's supervisor Leona compliments her on her fantastic cleaning skills, and is impressed that Erica Kane's daughter handled the whole community service thing so well. Talk segues to Kendall's husband and she gives a wistful, breathless monologue about reuniting with Zach:

Kendall: I miss him so much. I know this is gonna sound completely ridiculous and silly -- it's like this is straight out of a romance novel -- but I have this fantasy that I'm wearing this long, flowy dress and I've got a little flower tucked behind my ear and I'm on a beautiful hillside, and he comes riding back to me on this big white horse. Yeah. Anyway, that's what I think about when I stare into this bucket of muddy water.

Leona is not amused.

 
And then...

 
!!! I knew it was coming, but I have to say, I did not expect him to show up within the first five minutes of the show!

What Happens When You Can't Even Trust Your DVR?

My DVR has become an unreliable peddler of gossip in recent weeks, always teasing me with plot points that sound mildly interesting, only to have the mildly interesting bits conspicuously absent from the actual episode (left on the cutting room floor, no doubt, in order to make room for even MORE Dante/Brenda flashbacks) and exaggerating.

Today, it said that "Carly and Brenda have a major confrontation". Their confrontation wasn't major. It could have been! I mean, come on, my all-time favorite soap character facing off against my...well, my current favorite General Hospital character (Will typing that sentence ever get easier?) (And in my defense, it's totally by default!), who has been a whirling dervish of insecurity, possessiveness and hatefulness ever since she first heard that Sonny went to see Brenda in Rome.

And yet...

Carly: The only problem is, if Sonny's occupied, Brenda's going to hone onto Jax like a heat seeking missile.
Brenda: Hi! Sorry to interrupt. Listen, just so you know, I have no intention of trying to make you feel insecure about your marriage. You know, Carly, have you ever thought that you may feel insecure about your husband because you haven't been the most loyal wife?
Carly: You want to talk to me about loyalty? When you've done nothing but play Jax and Sonny off each other for years? They may not see you for who you really are, but I sure as hell do. You're a desperate, insecure slut who will sleep with anyone to get attention. Hell, who needs love when your face is all over every billboard in the city?
Brenda: So why are you so jealous?
Carly: I'm not jealous, okay? Because you're life has no substance. It revolves around who you're wearing and who you're with. You're nothing but a pretty face.
Brenda: Aw, that depends on the day. Hey, it's interesting to me to see that you're still loud and obnoxious, you know? Actually, you did manage to get your hooks into Jason during a time when he was too vulnerable to know any better, so I guess that is your one claim to fame, isn't it, Carly? 
Carly: Jason can count on me, just like I can count on him. But who counts on Brenda? No one. You're useless. You're for decoration only. You're about as shallow as a mud puddle and that is why you're so easy to leave.

Underwhelming, right? Yes, Carly got some "That was way harsh, Tai" lines, but Brenda's feathers were not even ruffled by her squawking! I assumed that someone would cry and that Carly would become progressively more unhinged as she ranted before losing her train of thought and just letting forth a primal scream. 

Also, I know that Carly is not the most self-aware person in town and that she has at least three undiagnosed personality disorders, but...really. Going on this self-righteous tear when MINUTES EARLIER she was kissing Jason and trying to get him to have sex with her to make Jax jealous is a bit absurd, even for her.

But then again, this show is all about absurdity, from Lucky and Nikolas's pleasant conversation (I buy Nikolas jumping at the chance to help Lucky out, since it is the least--seriously, THE LEAST--he could do, and I can maybe even chalk Lucky's politeness up to good manners, since he was looking for a favor, but...there was a whole lot of warmth there that shouldn't have been, considering the events of this year. Raise your hand if you'd want a full episode devoted to seeing a tentative reconciliation!) to Luke faking a heart attack AGAIN, to what I thought was the most patently ridiculous part of the episode: Dante was so caught up in his brooding that he didn't hear Olivia calling his name. Talk about unrealistic! Coma patients can hear her!

And People Wonder Why The Ratings Are In The Toilet?!

The All My Children writers are totally screwing with us at this point.

Liza: I think we need to talk further about Greenlee and Ryan's relationship.

"Need to talk further"? FURTHER? Everybody talks about this relationship ALL THE DAMN TIME! How much more talking about Greenlee and Ryan's chemistry-free sham of a romance can we possibly handle? NOT MUCH, PEOPLE. NOT MUCH.