Mounting A Complaint Against the Mountain Man
I fell behind on All My Children this week, and caught up on all three episodes today. Quickly, because I can't bear to watch an entire episode without fast-forwarding since nearly everything going on in Pine Valley this week has earned a raised eyebrow and sneer from me: everything with Damon, Colby and Liza; Kendall, Jake, Amanda, Bianca and Ryan having a "Totally Sucks That You're On Trial For Killing Your Husband" party for Greenlee; Greenlee flashing back to Ryan's words of wisdom in order to give her strength; Krystal; Madison actually saying the following words about being given a key to Ryan's and not immediately dying of embarrassment on the spot:
Madison: I just keep coming up with reasons to go out and come back in so I can use my new key.
Ryan: You like it?
Madison: I love it. It's the best key I've owned in my whole life.
I'm sorry, WHAT? Being able to speak those words without dissolving into a fit of hysterical, self-loathing laughter is such an achievement that I think Stephanie Gatschet should put this on her Emmy reel!
But cheesy and wretched as those things may be, they PALE in comparison to my biggest AMC-related complaint right now--Caleb Cooney/Cortlandt, who I referred to several times in my AMC notes simply as "Surly Dick". I find myself visibly tensing when he appears on screen, and even during episodes where he's mercifully not present, my mind wanders in his direction anyway. "Remember Caleb?" I think to myself. "Ugh, he's terrible". Because HE IS.
Consider the grossness he exhibited on Monday when he gleefully informed JR that he lost custody of AJ:
JR: Get out of my house. No one will ever take my son from me.
Caleb: Isn't it a bitch when somebody takes away something that belongs to you?
First of all, AJ is a "something"? And second of all, because a HUMAN CHILD is EXACTLY THE SAME THING as a company you sullenly informed everyone you DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOU TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE MAN.
He's awful. And Michael Nouri is probably a very nice person and I am sure that he has been stellar in other roles, but he is not even trying here. And while I wouldn't blame him for thinking that it's not fair to expect him to make an effort when the writers so clearly refuse to, the overall effect is just...loathing whenever he opens his mouth to make a monotonous, awful comment.
So explain it to me, Serial Drama readers: are we supposed to hate him? Because I do. Or are we supposed to root for him? Because I don't. Or was the entire purpose of this character to give Ryan serious competition for the Worst in Pine Valley? Because in that case, I will say the following words for the first and, likely, only time this year: mission accomplished, AMC writers.