On Hissyfits and Homewreckers
I am endlessly fascinated by the Google searches that send people to Serial Drama. Like, this one:
I need to know what happened on General Hospital today.
The use of the word "need" makes the query seem that much more serious. They don't want to know what happened, because they've already written the show off, or assumed that the goings on are terrible; no, they need to know. And since I can't believe that anybody would be interested in such a thing in a "I simply need to know what happened, because I love General Hospital so much!" way, I worry that they are at the mercy of a pop-culture minded serial killer, like in Scream, and one wrong recap of today's General Hospital will seal their grisly fate.
Well, I am here to help, hopefully not too late: today on General Hospital, Maxie threw an extended temper tantrum; Claire was pathetic; Nikolas got better writing than he has received in years; the Scrubs story took a turn for the "WTF?"; Brenda and Sonny and Jason and Adrienne Barbeau talked about Brenda and Sonny and that is the only thing I am going to say about any of that because just remembering it is irritating me; The Balkan continues to eat the show, roping Johnny and Ethan into his storyline of danger and intrigue.
Wow, when I phrase it like that, I wouldn't blame any of you for not reading the rest of this, because how unentertaining does all of that sound?
The presence of Brenda has caused Maxie, like Carly before her, to become completely unhinged with jealousy and possessiveness. But while Carly brings us a kind of insanity that I find endlessly amusing, Maxie...just makes me want to smack her.
When Maxie was at Jason's, shrieking at him, and at Brenda and at Spinelli because Spinelli is newly devoted to Brenda, I could not stop cringing. The look of dead-eyed horror on Jason's face was identical to my facial expression as I watched everyone work themselves into an increasingly annoying lather, and we all know how uncomfortable I get when Jason and I react the same way to something.
Maxie: I'm sorry, but judging by the men you usually go for, there's no chance in hell you have real feelings for Spinelli, so would you mind just staying away from him?
Brenda: Oh, got it. So, no why wouldn't you want Spinelli and I to be friends?
Maxie: Pretending to have feelings for Spinelli when you really don't is selfish and unfair.
Maxie: You are a glorified butler, Spinelli. No, no, not even. You're like an intern that doesn't get paid and has to run around getting coffee and picking up everyone's dry cleaning.
On the other hand, Carly's plan to keep Brenda occupied and away from Jax was delightfully absurd.
Johnny: When a woman like you calls with such a mysterious errand, my interest is piqued. What's going on?
Carly: Take this letter to Jason's penthouse. Wear black. Look edgy and dangerous, and if you can get soaked with rain on the way over, even better.
Johnny: No, really, what do you want?
Carly: Exactly what I just said. I'm giving you the perfect opportunity to meet Brenda Barrett...[...]You're so her type, she'll be all over you.
I honestly don't know what I'd do without Carly. Gosh, this show makes me type the weirdest things sometimes.
I love the bizarre way she parents Michael:
Carly: I want you to be the best parolee you can imagine.
I guess that's one way of teaching your children to reach for the stars.
And I capital L LOVED her interaction with Claire, who--let's clasp hands and sing this one in unison--is horrendous. Carly's obvious disgust was amazing.
I can't even express how badly I want Carly to jettison her asinine plan for revenge on Dante and pursue, with single-minded obsessiveness, the complete and utter destruction of Claire's life. Preferably with Claire off-screen the entire time.
Granted, I have a large list of reasons for disliking Claire and Dahlia Salem's rapport with Maurice Benard probably doesn't crack the top ten, but it's irksome all the same. She brings out the worst in him and considering that at his best it looks like he's reading cue cards, well...
Sonny: I didn't expect Brenda to show up and the timing couldn't have been worse for both of us, I want, I want....
I didn't want to pursue a relationship with you while I had feelings for somebody else. But I did--did not walk away from you. It wasn't easy.
What? I don't even.
So, Ethan got beaten up by thugs who work for Johnny, but he loaned them out to people who work for...THE BALKAN. How intriguing, minus the intrigue.
According to my DVR, Maya was supposed to see this all go down. But she played no part in this because OBVIOUSLY, Maxie's hissyfit needed to stretch out over the entire episode. OBVIOUSLY.
Dante: It looks like all the [Johnny and Kristina almost getting blown up] evidence points to Sonny.
Olivia: Uh, I looked Sonny in the eye. I point blank asked him if he had anything to do with that and he swore to me that he was innocent.
You know whose word I'm not going to take as gospel? The word of the career criminal who lies like he breathes and who, oh, that's right, SHOT MY SON IN THE CHEST.
So, Robin (and Elizabeth--it's nice to have Becky Herbst back. And it's also nice to have more wink-wink, nudge-nudge lines like her admission that "I can't help but wish..." Lucky was Aidan's father. HAHA, get it? Because Lucky IS Aidan's father! HA...ha. I am annoyed at whoever taught the GH writers about dramatic irony) is back at General Hospital and was the recipient of more than a few raised eyebrows. In the interest of clearing the air, she made an impromptu speech to everyone surrounding the nurse's station.
Robin: A funny thing happened on my way back from Africa. My husband, Patrick Drake, cheated on me with, uh, one of our own. Dr. Lisa Niles, which you all knew. She's a brilliant orthopedic surgeon, but she's also a whack job. She drugged me, she dragged me to a cabin and I escaped and, uh, fell into a well. [Awkward laugh] And even though Patrick rescued me, we are separated and plan to stay that way. Beyond that, it's no one else's business.
Robin then says something about how she was going to suggest everybody get back to work after that, and Epiphany calmly agrees and doesn't make a scene even, um, scenier. Just kidding, that's not how Pip operates--she doesn't suggest anyone get back to work, she demands it. And, because she's Epiphany, her demand comes after some snark.
Epiphany: You and Drake Junior here dragged us all through the start of this marriage. I would kindly ask you not to drag us through the end of it.
Obviously Robin didn't have the smoothest first day back at work. Steven's not entirely sure what to think of this whole cluster and points out to Liz that they have no evidence against Lisa (all of her stalkerish behavior, not to mention the whole "holding a gun on Patrick and Robin and then herself" thing, isn't a red flag, I guess), although Elizabeth vouches for Robin being a good person; Patrick asks Robin a question about a patient that she had already answered via paperwork, leading her to inform him "I'm ready to come back to work; I'm not ready to come back to you" and ask for a little distance. And, oh yeah, LISA IS BACK, YOU GUYS.
When she (and her oddly greasy hair. Deep conditioning didn't seem to be part of her treatment) got off the elevator and everybody stared at her in anticipation of a complete trainwreck, she said, brightly:
I admit that I laughed, because the dottier she gets, the more better this story is, but...wouldn't her entrance and upcoming storyline have been more dramatic if she had been institutionalized more than a couple of days? It's not that I'm surprised that the show took the least interesting route possible; I'm just annoyed by it.
Remember how we spent the entirety of the Elizabeth/Nikolas affair begging and pleading for the show to give us just one reason for either of these characters to do something so disgusting and so hurtful to Lucky, who they both professed to care about? And the show was all, "Reasons? HA! Reasons are for squares" and continued to write a romance for two people that I can only describe as outrageously chemistry-free? Well, now, MONTHS AFTER THE FACT, we get Nikolas's perspective on the whole situation. I mean, the perspective was half-assed at best and, once again, it's all about Emily, but it's better than what we had before.
Brook Lynn: From the stories you told me, it was very clear she was Lucky's girl. So what all of a sudden made her so irresistible?
Nikolas: Temporary insanity, I guess. A kiss that we never should have shared led to us wanting another one. I don't know. For a minute, I tried to convince myself that all those years of friendship with Elizabeth led to something more, but...
Brook Lynn: Oh, see, now it all makes sense. Nikolas, this doesn't have anything to do with Elizabeth. It's about you not being over Emily. You think your life can't go on without her, so now you're trying to settle for her best friend.
Nikolas: Incredibly perceptive of you.
Brook Lynn: I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but don't you think it's time that--you need to get over Emily. [...] Emily was wonderful. We all miss her, we all loved her, but it is time to let her go.
His "temporary insanity" explanation would have made me smile if I still didn't have such memories of the temporary blindness I suffered during their ill-fated affair...