Putting the Ass in Classic
When The City was canceled and ABC had a half-hour to fill for a few months before the premiere of Port Charles, a genius person had the idea to run classic episodes of the ABC soaps during that time slot. I think I speak for us all when I say "That's the last time ABC Daytime did something that could be described as genius" and also: AMAZING. Because it was! At several points that spring, due to spring break and illness, I was home from school with nothing to do but watch TV and got an awesome soap education; I clearly remember seeing the episodes of One Life to Live where Karen Wolek admitted to being a prostitute, and also All My Children's Will Cortlandt murder mystery. Again: AMAZING.
That happy soap time was the very first thing that came to mind when ABC Daytime announced their plan to air repeats of their shows on Wednesdays in an effort to "enhance current story and give fans the opportunity to see episodes they really loved and have wanted to see again". "It's just like that time in the late 90s," I thought to myself. "Except...this will probably be terrible."
And oh, how right I was. The first classic AMC episode airs on October 27th and...
Episode #8927 (original air date 8/31/04) --Ryan first confesses his love for Greenlee, and she is both shocked and thrilled when Ryan gives her an engagement ring and proposes. Zach is short with Maria when she says she's committed to her marriage. Kendall has many drinks and blows up about Greenlee and Ryan to Ethan. Pine Valley gets ready for a "Game of Chance" party at Zach's casino.
This certainly isn't an episode we loved and have wanted to see again, which means this is an effort to "enhance current story", which means we are officially in for a Ryan/Greenlee retread, which means that I am shaking my fist at the sky angrily and wailing "RYLEE!"
Present-day AMC doesn't have me acting out with such rage, but it is making me peevish, thanks to its boringness.
On the plus side, though, the return of Erica (and Jack) means that I can play my favorite game: "What Ridiculous Thing Is Erica Wearing?" I need to make my own fun sometimes.
First, she wore a shockingly appropriate top.
Then, she paired an adorable dress with at least three bump-its.
Speaking of Ryan, he continues to be amazing, allegedly. And in case you forgot that this is his defining characteristic, Madison is here to remind you.
Madison: No. Actually, I slept better last night than I have in a long time. It's because of you...[...] But last night, with your arms around me -- I felt so safe. It's like you chased my nightmares away.
How did that episode not get a TV-MA rating?! Disgusting.
Also of note...
JR and Annie had sex, and Scott walked in on them. This is not the noteworthy part, although I do have to say that Melissa Claire Egan and Jacob Young are SO good together, and I am intrigued by what is going to happen with this story when Daniel Cosgrove (once again) takes over the role of Scott. Fingers crossed that it leads to more Chandler sparring!
Scott: I guess I missed the memo declaring you the chosen one.
JR: Not the chosen one. The only one. Chandler is my birthright.
Scott: Your own father didn't see it that way.
JR: Yeah, my father was angry because his wife wanted me and not him. Does that sound familiar?
Oh, okay, anyway, the really noteworthy part: Annie and JR start to take each other's clothes off at the precise moment Scott starts to walk upstairs. By the time he finds them in the bedroom, the deed was...done. How many floors does the Chandler mansion have?! Or does he just walk really slowly? It was bizarre.
The rest of the show has been forgettable. Really, I watched three episodes in one sitting today and if you asked me what happened, I'd stare at you blankly and provide the vaguest recap possible. "Well, people love Ryan. And Caleb...was annoying. And there were also people who did things and said stuff to each other. That pretty much covers all the bases, I'd say." Did anything worth remembering actually happen?