Are You There, God? It's Me, Carly
I don't ask for much, God. I mean, really, what have I asked for recently? Yeah, I've been wishing for Dante Falconeri to meet a grisly end and to be asked to give his eulogy so I can take the opportunity to dance on his grave, but that is only fair because remember what he did to Michael? He turned my son in and sent him to PRISON, single-handedly, so wishing for a particularly gruesome demise is something that I am obligated to do as his mother. What kind of a mother would I be if I forgave him? "Oh, Dante, it's okay that you sacrificed my son at the altar of 'the law'. Let's have a warm and friendly conversation during which I am not openly staring daggers at you and envisioning myself wearing your bones on a necklace". Right. That would be neglectful.
So, no, God, I don't think I ask for much, but I will ask for this: get rid of Brenda Barrett. Which, I know, you're probably thinking, "Carly, I wish I could, because Brenda is a horrible person" because...because Brenda is a horrible person. I know she's a humanitarian or whatever, and everyone loves her, but why? Why? She's like four foot two and she's always playing that damsel in distress card, and, UGH, that voice of hers. That voice! Is it just me or is she totally shrill?
The last straw, though, God: today? I went to Jason's because, as I am sure he mentions to you, he is my best friend and basically my life partner, and she was there. There! All like, "Do you ever knock?" and I was like, "No, Jason gives me permission to insinuate myself into all parts of his life without any prior permission" and the attitude she copped with me was just...
Brenda: I'm going to ask you a favor, as an adult: please stop snooping in my past.
Carly: Why? What are you afraid I'm going to find out? Maybe Brenda the great humanitarian isn't quite so saintly. Who knows what I'll find if I keep digging?
Brenda: Hmm. Maybe. Why are you with Jax?
Carly: Don't worry about Jax. He's my business.
Brenda: Touche. Okay, I have an idea. Why don't we all GROW UP and I'll stay away from Jax, and you stay away from me?
Carly: You need to be real careful before you start throwing around threats.
Brenda: Oh, it's not a threat. It's an offer.
I mean, she can say it's not a threat all she wants, but come on "I'll stay away from Jax and you stay away from me?" Read between the lines and she totally said she'd gut me like a fish and I am pretty sure that breaks a commandment!
Brenda: I really do want you to know that I don't break up marriages. However, I do believe that Jax would be better off with a wife that doesn't cheat.
Carly: Let me guess, that would be you?
Brenda: No, I want peace in my life. But don't push me.
Just so we're on the same page here, God, she basically made a play for my husband and then threatened to shank me if I pushed her. Luckily, I got in the last word. Yeah, it took me a long time to think of it, but I WAS just recovering from this threat on my life.
Carly: Or what? I mean, these secrets you're trying so hard to keep? They're going to take you down.
Good one, right? And this is where you come in, God. I need a list of all of Brenda's secrets. Preferably an annotated list, but whatever, I won't be choosy. I just need to take her down because one more day of not even being able to walk unannounced into someone else's home where I know she is staying and being confronted with that face of hers is just...I never believed the rumors that you are a vengeful God and that is just all kinds of vengeful. So please. Help me ruin Brenda. Thank you in advance.
Also in Port Charles...
- As much fun as I continue to have watching Carly lose her ever-loving mind, I...found myself broken earlier in the episode when Jax basically admitted to Brenda that...here, let his HORRIBLE, EVIL, HEART BREAKING words speak for themselves.
Brenda: You're the one who taught me how to love myself.
Jax: You know, I think Carly is also threatened by the fact that you're living here with Jason. She considers Jason--
Brenda: Her property?
Jax: I was going to say her best friend.
Jax: But the results the same. Carly's dangerous when she gets like this.
Brenda: Oh, really? That's interesting.
Brenda: You're finally ready to love someone unconditionally, huh?
Jax: Yeah. I guess you're right.
WHAT? STOP! SOB! ETC.
- Patrick is learning that hard way that it's always a bad idea to have sex with crazy. In his effort to get Lisa to stay away from Robin, well--
Patrick: What if I could get Robin to stay out of your way? Stop with the accusations.
Lisa: Well, that would be find of you.
Patrick: Would you drop the idea of getting her fired?
Lisa: I can do even better than that. I will act like Robin and I are best friends if you sleep with me again.
After an unhinged laughing spell, she admitted that she was only kidding, but it didn't make his blatant "How is this my life?" facial expression waver.
Port Charles is remarkably free of Robin defenders lately, save for Patrick, Matt, Mac and Maxie, but we can add some more people to Team Robin. Namely, GH's hair and makeup people who have gone out of their way to make poor Brianna Brown look utterly disheveled.
- It seems like the show is contemplating making Steven/Olivia happen. On the one hand, it would be nice to see the guy get a real story. On the other hand, the only place this story is going to happen is the back-burner.
- The Vegas shenanigans are the complete opposite of entertaining.
- Poor Sam. First, she forgave Jason for being distant and secretive, because--and I am paraphrasing here--he is so wonderful that she can't expect him to change, because he is too good for that, so that's okay. And then he immediately abandons her to go tend to Brenda! She needs a hug for someone who won't run as soon as Brenda calls.
- Lucky and Siobhan flirted a lot, adorably, and then got some prime time during the montage. A montage that featured a song sung by Jonathan Jackson, at that!