Burning Down The House
I am completely surprised--not at General Hospital because, duh. I'm sure that the "Welcome To Port Charles" sign, featuring an ever dwindling population count, notes that the town is the Predictability Capital of America. The only surprise here is just how badly the writers manage to bungle something. I am surprised at myself. Because when there was a raging fire at Mac's (a fire SO CUNNING that it managed to evade smoke detectors and Robin's sense of smell), all I did was get peeved at the sloppy writing. I didn't look at the big picture and get righteously angry that Bob Guza & Company once again LITERALLY SET FIRE TO THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW! Where are my priorities?! I am totally off my game, you guys.
It was sort of heartbreaking to listen to the assorted members of the Scorpio/Jones clan discuss their memories of the house. Not least because so many of the people they mentioned have been killed off or considered useless by the show.
Mac: I guess the lesson is nothing lasts forever. Felicia left. Georgie's dead. Robin and Maxie moved on and are starting lives of their own, and now my house is gone.
Felicia, Georgie, Robert, Anna: gone. One of them (who, as I often say, could have driven story for decades, or at least until GH's cancellation) was murdered by an undead serial killer and the existence of the rest is practically offensive to the writing staff. Between this and Edward's depressing meta-commentary on the status of the Quartermaines, it's like the writers are giving us the finger and I do not like it.
On the plus side, it did give us some great moments with Kirsten Storms, Kimberly McCullough and John J. York. On the negative side...everything else.
Robin: How's the house?
Mac: Robin, that's something else you don't have to worry about.
Robin: I am worried about it. I'm worried about it. I grew up there. I need you to be straight with me. Please.
Mac: It's a total loss. I haven't gone through everything, I don't know what I'll find--
Robin: All of our things and our pictures and our heirlooms, it's like--it's all gone?
Mac: Listen, listen to me. Robin, sweetheart. It's a loss that'll hurt for a long time but it's just a house. Listen to me. Our family is safe and alive. That's all that matters.
Kimberly McCullough reacted to the loss of Robin's family home with palpable grief and sorrow. I suppose when a character has gone through as much as Robin has, an actress becomes really good at conveying heartache. She should give lessons to some of her co-stars, because a few of them have reacted to the loss of a loved one with half the emotion and double the duh face.
The easiest way to distract me from the trauma of Kirsten Storms's hair and makeup choices is to have Maxie talk about Georgie.
Maxie: You know what's killing me? That we lost Georgie again. All that was left of my sister was in her room and now it's gone. I used to go in there sometimes when I miss her. I could still feel her. Somehow she was accessible. All I'd have to do was just open Georgie's treasure box and, I don't know, take out the locket my mom gave her for Christmas one year. Georgie used to love holding that locket because she said it made her feel connected to our mom, and I believe that's true because I felt connected to Georgie when I would hold it. I just can't believe this is all happening.
She was also adorable with Matt, and Mac was adorable with Alexis. So at least we got some cuteness courtesy of the fire...
Carly's demented thirst for revenge on Dante and Lulu for being singlehandedly responsible for Michael's incarceration and being a blood traitor, respectively, led her to some uncomfortable places (like 123 Pimp Street). But now? With the knowledge that Dante and Brenda have a past? She's smug and just gleeful about it.
Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Before the smug glee came some Jason propping that prompted me to give an Olympic caliber eyeroll.
Carly: You know how long I've been friends with Jason? No one love Jason like I do. [...] These people are snakes, Spinelli, and your first instinct should be to protect Jason.
Spinelli: Yes, of course. I owe Stone Cold all that I am.
Then she got confirmation of Dante's stint as Brenda's bodyguard and was so excited to break the news to Lulu that I actually giggled. I can't help it, I just adore Laura Wright and especially a Laura Wright who goes all out when it comes to playing the rotten side of Carly.
Carly: What has Dante told you about the time he guarded Brenda in 2007?
Lulu: I don't know what you're talking about.
Carly, in the most absurd "playing dumb" voice. OMG, it's a trap, Lulu, a trap!: Well, Brenda needed police protection on a visit to Manhattan in April of 2007 and Dante was assigned to her. Surely he mentioned this to you?
Well, the Brenda story is good for something. It's just that that something is making Carly enjoyable, which...this effing show, you know?
Jax: "The Divine One"? That's Spinelli's name for Brenda?
Long pause wherein Jax plainly thinks to himself, "Well, as far as ridiculous nicknames go, at least that one is accurate"
Carly: Couldn't you just hurl?
Speaking, as I was a minute ago, of Brenda: I actually could not watch any of the latest plan to ambush The Balkan's men in exchange for Siobhan. I just can't force myself to do it. It is so dumb, and repetitive, and boring, and filled with the unintentional hilarity of Jason and Dante playing sniper. If I missed anything worthwhile (let me pause for a second and laugh UPROARIOUSLY at that notion), please fill me in.
Sonny: Why is it so hard for you to believe that I have feelings for Claire?
Um...because she has zero redeeming qualities. Have feelings for her? I'm stunned that he can manage to be in the same room as her for extended periods of time.
The fact that GH has given me a Sonny relationship and I can't answer the question "Who's the worst half of this pairing" with complete certainty is all kinds of upsetting.