Enjoyment Amid The Turmoil
If SOAPNet weren't allergic to soap operas and also on its last legs, and if I hadn't been so epically burned by the last General Hospital spinoff (yes, Night Shift season two was everything a soap could be, but the memories of the first season continue to weigh heavily on my soul. REMEMBER? REMEMBER? The serial killer, the nameless Ms. Barrett with her face wrapped in eight miles of Ace bandages, the Billy Dee Williams, the glimpse Robin got of her dead and/or evil twin?), I would probably start a campaign advocating for an Edward Quartermaine spinoff, because I just find John Ingle to be endlessly adorable.
(He also has one of the greatest IMDB pages ever. His resume can basically be summed up as "He was in basically everything awesome" including roles on The Golden Girls, Parks and Recreation, The Office in its glory days, 90210, Melrose Place, Webster and The Facts of Life, both of which I enjoyed immensely as a toddler, Heathers, and so on, and so on, and so awesomely on.)
I don't blame you for thinking that I'm high because...a Quartermaine spinoff? Hello, General Hospital can't be bothered to give them more than three minutes of screentime a month, let alone a whole show, but Edward's scenes with Brenda today gave me the warm fuzzies and inspired me to dream big. I had been impatiently waiting for a scene between these two and I have to say, aside from the all too short length, it didn't disappoint.
Edward: Words may fly here at the Quartermaines, not bullets.
Brenda: I feel safe when I'm with [Jason].
Edward: Of course, he's a big hulking thug.
The meta line he had so accurately describing the current state of the Quartermaine family? ADOR--actually, it's less adorable and more tragic.
Edward: I cannot believe that the Quartermaines have been reduced to catering to the likes of Luke Spencer.
"I cannot believe that the Quartermaines have been reduced to three of us and our obnoxious, overacting weirdo of a maid" would have also been an acceptable assessment.
The delight continued later in the episode, briefly, when Jason asked Brenda where she had gone.
Brenda: I went to see Edward. That's where you need to go.
Jason: For what?
Brenda: Because he's your grandfather and he misses Lila.
The amount of "DUH, I can't believe you even asked that question" in Vanessa Marcil's delivery of that line was sublime.
In a shocking development, though, that was not even the best Jason exchange of the episode. I feel as confused as anyone that I have been enjoying Jason moments enough to rank them.
Carly: If Brenda and I were dangling over a pit of alligators, who would you save?
Jason: That's stupid. You wouldn't be anywhere near alligators.
The transcript doesn't do the hilarity justice. It was so, so funny.
Carly, because she is deranged, took the uncomfortably long time it took him to process the particulars of this scenario--we all know he was struggling to envision circumstances that would find these two, of all people, in the vicinity of an alligator pit-- as an admission that he'd, of course, save her. Never change, Carly.
Besides Edward, another of my favorite supporting characters came out to play: Elizabeth's bitchface.
I shudder to think how miserable I'd be watching this show if I didn't at least have hilarious facial expressions to look forward to! Becky Herbst, of course, makes the greatest faces; I think it's because her eyes are so expressive and she's got really adroit eyebrows. Thursday's show saw the sneer out in full force and Lisa was on the receiving end.
Elizabeth: Okay, look. I really feel the need to make my position clear so we don't have a misunderstanding.
Lisa, not looking up from paperwork which, okay, ha: You have my undivided attention.
Elizabeth: I'm no saint. So I'm not going to presume to judge your affair with a married man. What I am, irrevocably, is Robin's friend.
Lisa: Okay, got it.
Elizabeth: And I know exactly what you're doing to her.
Lisa: Okay, can I be honest? This is getting really tiresome.
Elizabeth: You're undermining her, and very efficiently. You parade your professionalism around here and being all the victim, just knowing that your very presence pushes her buttons.
Lisa: Really, Elizabeth? So now I'm responsible for Robin's inability to control her temper?
Elizabeth: What you're doing is despicable. The one consolation? Karma's a bitch and she will catch up.
Oh, crazy-masquerading-as-sane Lisa. You tried to snark back but, honestly, Liz is in a different league.
After that conversation, Lisa hightailed it out of the hospital, ignoring Epiphany's plea for her to stay to take care of paperwork. She even waved cheerfully at Pip as the elevator doors closed!
She wound up at Mac's, which...I understand that she needed to be there to find Robin and Emma in the fire, because we're at the point in this story where she is going to be portrayed as a hero and what better way to earn your hero stripes than by saving a baby and your nemesis in a fire that was possibly started by Cameron Webber (he WAS looking at the candles very intently at Emma's party! And this isn't the first time he's had problems with fire. Is he an arsonist for hire?! I like to think that Cam knows better than to keep company such as Lisa Niles and if he were going to go that route, maybe in an effort to help his mom out with the bills, he'd only work for a high caliber of people, but who knows), but...what was the reason for her going over there? So bizarre.
Equally bizarre: what the hell kind of smoke detector doesn't start to go off until the fire turns serious? I have had several run-ins with a smoke detector incapable of understanding the concept of dark toast, so...come on. And how would Robin not smell the smoke? And what made her tumble down all of those stairs in a manner so absurd that it could have been part of a Life Alert commercial?
I'm not sure why I still expect this show to make any sort of sense. I would be far more pleasant and cry a lot less if I just assumed that each episode was little more than random plot points strung together in illogical ways.