Serial Drama

This Is All Sorts of Subtle. The Anti Sort, In Particular

The writing leading up to Zach's death (...or is it?) hasn't exactly been nuanced, what with the heart-to-heart's (DO YOU EVEN KNOW how hard it was for me to resist typing "heart-to-Hart"? I am a sad person) Zach and Kendall have been having about their love and their future. Even if you weren't already spoiled, their scenes reeked of impending tragedy. It reminded me of the first time I saw West Side Story and became incredibly upset during "One Hand, One Heart" when Tony and Maria sang "Even death won't part us now" ("Why are you taunting death like that?! Do you not know this is based on Romeo and Juliet?!").

That lack of subtlety continued in today's episode, after Zach's plane...now, here is where I am confused. Was it just a plane crash? Or did the plane explode before crashing? The lack of body, and Ryan's statement that "Zach was probably already dead before the plane hit the ground" would seem to indicate the latter, but I feel uncomfortable accepting that in addition to all of his other skills, Ryan is also a great CSI.

Anyway, today's show brought us these clever lines of dialogue:

Kendall: I just want this to be a special Thanksgiving. [...] Zach will be there to keep the peace.

Kendall: Now look at us. We've got our whole life ahead of us.

Kendall: Hi, Zach, it's me. I just called to say how much I miss you, and how much I appreciate what you're doing for Ryan and Greenlee. Well, I've got some big surprises for Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. I went a little overboard. You'll see. Anyway, I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you. The boys can't wait to see their Daddy, either. I love you more than anything in this whole world. Hurry home and be safe. I'll be waiting for you.

Could this show POSSIBLY lay it on any thicker? NO. No, they could not.

Kudos to Alicia Minshew for the moments where Kendall felt that something was wrong; I am sure that when Kendall learns what happened, her reaction will be devastating and I should probably stock up on tissues now. I also appreciated her sweet moments with Annie, planning the Thanksgiving seating arrangements. The two of them work really well together, and it was nice to have some light-hearted fun amidst the depression. Especially since it included some Ryan snark.

Annie: That's great. Ryan to the rescue. Again.

Ha!

Are You There, God? It's Me, Carly

I don't ask for much, God. I mean, really, what have I asked for recently? Yeah, I've been wishing for Dante Falconeri to meet a grisly end and to be asked to give his eulogy so I can take the opportunity to dance on his grave, but that is only fair because remember what he did to Michael? He turned my son in and sent him to PRISON, single-handedly, so wishing for a particularly gruesome demise is something that I am obligated to do as his mother. What kind of a mother would I be if I forgave him? "Oh, Dante, it's okay that you sacrificed my son at the altar of 'the law'. Let's have a warm and friendly conversation during which I am not openly staring daggers at you and envisioning myself wearing your bones on a necklace". Right. That would be neglectful.

So, no, God, I don't think I ask for much, but I will ask for this: get rid of Brenda Barrett. Which, I know, you're probably thinking, "Carly, I wish I could, because Brenda is a horrible person" because...because Brenda is a horrible person. I know she's a humanitarian or whatever, and everyone loves her, but why? Why? She's like four foot two and she's always playing that damsel in distress card, and, UGH, that voice of hers. That voice! Is it just me or is she totally shrill?

The last straw, though, God: today? I went to Jason's because, as I am sure he mentions to you, he is my best friend and basically my life partner, and she was there. There! All like, "Do you ever knock?" and I was like, "No, Jason gives me permission to insinuate myself into all parts of his life without any prior permission" and the attitude she copped with me was just...

Brenda: I'm going to ask you a favor, as an adult: please stop snooping in my past.
Carly: Why? What are you afraid I'm going to find out? Maybe Brenda the great humanitarian isn't quite so saintly. Who knows what I'll find if I keep digging?
Brenda: Hmm. Maybe. Why are you with Jax?
Carly: Don't worry about Jax. He's my business.
Brenda: Touche. Okay, I have an idea. Why don't we all GROW UP and I'll stay away from Jax, and you stay away from me?
Carly: You need to be real careful before you start throwing around threats.
Brenda: Oh, it's not a threat. It's an offer.

I mean, she can say it's not a threat all she wants, but come on "I'll stay away from Jax and you stay away from me?" Read between the lines and she totally said she'd gut me like a fish and I am pretty sure that breaks a commandment!

Brenda: I really do want you to know that I don't break up marriages. However, I do believe that Jax would be better off with a wife that doesn't cheat.
Carly: Let me guess, that would be you?
Brenda: No, I want peace in my life. But don't push me. 

Just so we're on the same page here, God, she basically made a play for my husband and then threatened to shank me if I pushed her. Luckily, I got in the last word. Yeah, it took me a long time to think of it, but I WAS just recovering from this threat on my life.

Carly: Or what? I mean, these secrets you're trying so hard to keep? They're going to take you down.

Good one, right? And this is where you come in, God. I need a list of all of Brenda's secrets. Preferably an annotated list, but whatever, I won't be choosy. I just need to take her down because one more day of not even being able to walk unannounced into someone else's home where I know she is staying and being confronted with that face of hers is just...I never believed the rumors that you are a vengeful God and that is just all kinds of vengeful. So please. Help me ruin Brenda. Thank you in advance.

A Matter of Opinion

I love that, according to Clint, whether or not he is Rex's biological father is simply a "matter of opinion."  If it saves Clint from being related to that tool, I'll happily accept that line of reasoning. 

Speaking of opinions, how cute were the Buke twins asking about their paternity results in a split screen?

Kickin' it old-school!  In fact, the twins brought the adorbs all episode long.

I have to admit even though I'm enjoying this Who's The Daddy storyline, my heart breaks a little to think what this is going to do to the Buke twins' relationship.  I'm not new so I'm well aware that eventually some life-or-death situation will bring them back together, and they've certainly each forgiven each other for worse in the past, but I am dreading the no-doubt lengthy rift this big reveal will create.  They're just so cute!  Really, all the gals in this family were just darling today -- Viki's being impressed at Natalie's dig at Echo diSavoy ("champ of a tramp!") was a nice touch of familial love.  They really are laying it on thick so that the fall is so very far.

Can I Ask ABC Daytime To Pay For My Therapy?

It's not that I had forgotten how horrible and annoying Ryan and Greenlee are as a couple, because the memories of parts one, two, three and so on, of their union are burned into my memory. It's just that I thought, or hoped, that their official reunion would put an end to the gross scenes of them yearning for one another from afar, all moony and disgusting.

I...was wrong. Now they are are moony and disgusting in the same contained area.

Ryan: That felt good, the massage you were giving me.
Greenlee: Yeah, you always liked that.
Ryan: Yeah.
Greenlee: Do you think we're star-crossed lovers?
Ryan: You mean like Romeo and Juliet?
Greenlee: Yeah.
Ryan: I don't know, I think we're more battle tested than those two.
Greenlee: Yeah, their love story didn't end so well.
Ryan: What about ours?
Greenlee: Well, it's always been intense. Especially when someone or some thing is tearing us apart.
Ryan: Never again. Never again.
Greenlee: This feels so good. No, we should wait. Until the trial's over. And then we can be together.
Ryan: Honestly, I can't wait. And I don't think you can, either.

First of all, EW, obviously.

Secondly: is this what the show is going to be like from now on*?! Ryan and Greenlee having vapid discussions about how true their love is, kissing, staring soulfully into each other's eyes? Because I don't know how much of that I can take before I either go crazy or...I don't see an alternative to that route. I can already see my cable's episode descriptions: "MONDAY: Ryan and Greenlee kiss". "TUESDAY: Ryan misses Greenlee". "WEDNESDAY: Ryan is on Greenlee's mind". "THURSDAY: Kendall plans a surprise for Ryan and Greenlee". "FRIDAY: Ryan and Greenlee kiss passionately". And I can also see the tears that will make me cry...

Thirdly, EW.

*Until cancellation or Rebecca Budig's next exit, obviously

Inappropriate Make-out Partners, Unite!

There was certainly a theme to Friday's episode, and it made me a little sad for the days when One Life to Live had clever episode titles.  The good old days.

Gigi and Cristian made out because they were both feeling dejected about their relationships and had consumed ridiculous amounts of champagne.

Kelly and Rex made out because Kelly planted one on him and then the two of them had a bizarre confrontation about who was to blame.  And Rex was made paranoid by thoughts of his girlfriend Gigi possibly spending the evening with some champagne-swilling dude in Paris on the West Bank (okay, good one, writers!).  And Kelly is still pining away over the love of her life, Joey Buchanan.  Or at least he's been the great love of her life since the show hired someone to play him.  Had she even mentioned him once since her return?

Starr and James made out because her babydaddy's final wish for her after going off to prison for having committed murder was that she get together with James.  (That's a real sentence!) 

And Starr, in her anguish, assumed he meant to get it on with James as soon as humanly possible.  By the way?  James summed up Starr's excellent life in spectacular fashion.  To wit:

James: Starr, listen to me, you are not ready for this, not right now.  Your life is a mess, okay?  You were just kidnapped twice.  Hope's babysitter was murdered.  Your daughter's life was threatened, Starr.  You watched me get buried alive and you almost killed yourself!  And now your boyfriend is being shipped off to prison for ten years.  Okay, you don't want to just start something new, that's not what you want.

The Day's Most Accurate (And Charitable!) Dialogue

General Hospital is so saturated with Brenda right now that it's hard to imagine a time when she wasn't in Port Charles, doing things and having everyone in town discuss, in detail, the things she has done. But then she comes out with a statement like this and you remember all over again that she was absent for years!

Brenda, on Carly's quest to unearth her secret: That girl has no life and she has the mentality of a 20-year-old.

Maybe Carly had the mentality of a 20-year-old in the late 90s, but it's been a steady mental regression since then. I'd hesitate to even compare her to a sixth grader!

The first part of that blunt assessment made me laugh and laugh, especially since Brenda doesn't even know half of the deranged schemes Carly has concocted to pass the time. And the fact that it was juxtaposed with some prime Carly crazy was icing on the cake.

In order to find out what shocking, scandalous, sordid secret Brenda and Dante are keeping from her so that she can expose it publicly and ruin two lives in one shot, Carly interrogated one of the other NYPD officers tasked with guarding Brenda in 2007 and did some Olympic caliber jumping to conclusions.

NYPD Officer whose name I don't remember, so I am just going to call him NYPD Blue: Sure I remember that detail. Brenda Barrett's hard to forget. She's a nice lady. Knockout.
Carly, choking back vomit: Why were you guarding her?
NYPD Blue: Brenda was being stalked by some guy who had ties to organized crime in Europe. Interpol was interested in him so the chief was willing to provide security.
Carly: Was there anything unusual about it?
NYPD Blue: No, standard detail: 8 hour shifts, Brenda had a room in a midtown hotel, uniform was supposed to sit in the hall and accompany her if she went anywhere.
Carly: And is that what Dante did?
NYPD Blue: He switched it up. By day 3 or day 4, he started taking double shifts. Guarding Brenda 16 hours at a time, and when I came on duty, I'd find them in the suite, not in the hall.
Carly: Were they sleeping together?
NYPD Blue: I thought so. Especially after I asked Dante straight out and he didn't deny it.

A rational person would realize that this so-called witness was giving her absolutely zero information; hello, he only thinks Dante and Brenda were sleeping together, because Dante didn't tell him one way or the other? "Wow, that is some unequivocal proof right there", the rational person would say, their words laced with sarcasm. Carly thought those words with GLEE. Every time NYPD Blue gave a vague answer that could POSSIBLY be construed as a hint that Dante and Brenda had sex (he wasn't banished to the hallway?!), her face lit up more and more, and by the end of the scene, the only thing keeping her from breaking out into the "We Did It!" song from Dora The Explorer is the fact that Dora is on Nickelodeon and ABC Daytime only pimps for Disney.

Wait until she finds out about THE BABY. Her head may explode before she even gets a chance to gloat.

Yes, Brenda alluded to THE BABY in the last seconds of today's show, a moment that probably would have been far more dramatic had it not appeared in commercials that air endlessly on, no lie, every single channel I get.

Brenda: I don't want to talk about the baby, okay? 

Speculation about THE BABY and a whole lot of questions about the Robin/Patrick/Lisa mess to come later this weekend!

The Sublime and the Ridiculous

Even if a person managed to avoid reading about the big All My Children spoiler (I can't even imagine the constant vigilance required to do so. An internet embargo, surely, since it's on all of the soap websites. Covering your hands while you wait in line at the grocery store so you can't see the soap magazine headlines? Probably), today's episode has spoiled them for sure, what with the ENORMOUS ANVILS emblazoned with the words "Get it? Because--hee!--they are going to get a happy ending. The NOT kind!" hurtling through the air. 

I mean, REALLY.

Kendall: It wasn't all lobsters and proposals and happiness and romance. We've been through it, too.
Zach: Yeah, more than once.
Kendall: But that's over. Now we're together. Everything's great. We're finally happy and we're going to stay that way.
Zach: Yes. If I have anything to do with it, yes.

REALLY.

The only questions the formerly unspoiled could possibly have are: 1.) Which one of them is going to die? and 2.) In what manner? Gruesome accident? Tragic illness? Of boredom, from watching the rest of this show?

The Fast Forward Button Makes The World Go 'Round

A few years ago, the sight of Maxie and Lucky in a scene together had me running for Lysol to disinfect my television and my soul. Remember how gross they were? What a foolish question, OF COURSE you remember. It's hard to forget that kind of offensive...griminess is the only word popping into my head right now. They were grimy and horrible and horribly written, and that entire era of General Hospital is both a travesty and a golden age compared to what we're sitting through now.

I never would have guessed that, in 2010, I'd be fast-forwarding through the vast majority of GH (okay, I probably would have guessed that part) and making a point to stop and watch Lucky and Maxie together in order to be delighted! But that happened!

Maxie: So! There is this Irish bimbo working at Jake's and she is claiming that you are her boyfriend. I mean, I don't even know how she got your name. You probably arrested her for shoplifting or something and she thought you were cute. But when I asked her what she was doing in Port Charles, she smiled at me--SMUGLY!--and said she was in town because of a guy she liked, and said she wanted to see how things went.
Lucky: Wait, she said she liked me?
Maxie: This is not a joke, Lucky. This woman is obviously delusional.
Lucky: Delusional? Actually, I think Siobhan is one of those rare people who looks reality right in the eye.
Maxie: Siobhan?
Lucky: Yeah. Although I do find it a little interesting that she would discuss our relationship with a total stranger.
Maxie: Wait. Hold on. So this woman really is your girlfriend? When you've been flirting with me this whole time?
Lucky: We've been flirting?
Maxie: Oh, don't act like you didn't notice. We even kissed! Come on, Lucky, I know there is no way that I am this easy to get over.

I was charmed. Jonathan Jackson and Kirsten Storms are wonderful together, and Maxie is way more tolerable when she is being possessive of Lucky than she is when she's irrationally jealous of any woman in Spinelli's orbit. I don't know that they will ever be a couple--Lucky and Siobhan seem to be moving forward with the writers' seal of approval in the form of a flashback--but they are a welcome, welcome, WELCOME diversion from the carnival of horror that is the rest of this show. I mean, The Balkan and the way that he is eating the show, sight unseen? That is going to get a big post of its own filled with question marks and different variations of the phrase "They brought Brenda back for this. FOR THIS". And Luke and Tracy and Maya and Ethan's wacky Vegas shenanigans? That...is not going to get a big post of its own on account of the excruciatingly lame factor. So you see why I am latching onto any enjoyable moment I can!

Attack of the Killer Twins

Woah.

The pregnant twins had tons of scenes together today!  I love me some Buchanan twins, especially when one of them is as big as a house.  How is she not on maternity leave yet?  Or did they pre-tape these scenes?

And speaking of pregnant twins and the people who want their blood, Marty has really gone off the deep end.  Am I the only one finding this hilarious?  She seems far more focused on Natalie than on anything having to do with her menace-to-society son Cole, and she keeps popping up in the screen to make snide comments about her to John, who (prince that he is) is eating up every second of it and not spending one second defending his girlfriend but is in fact just fueling Marty's crazypants fire (of course, starting the other day when he told her basically that he would've happily lied for Cole if it weren't for that Natalie!).

"Hey John, where's your little girlfriend and her party hat?  Hey John, why isn't she here poking at Cole's open wound?  Hey John, does your girlfriend ever wake up in the middle of the night beaming after having dreams about destroying my world?  Hey John, remember that kid I have who was born a girl and got a sex change and basically morphed into a young man with the personality of my two-time rapist?  I don't really remember his name, but I do remember who did something bad to him and that was Natalie Natalie NATALIE!"  (I'm pretty sure that's basically what she said, right?)  And all in the middle of the sentencing hearing for her homicidal son!  Marty is nothing if not a multi-tasker!  (Though in all sincerity, I'm thrilled to see Susan Haskell with some actual material even though it basically amounts to a full run under the Ross Rayburn Bus O' Character Destruction.)

Burning Down The House

I am completely surprised--not at General Hospital because, duh. I'm sure that the "Welcome To Port Charles" sign, featuring an ever dwindling population count, notes that the town is the Predictability Capital of America. The only surprise here is just how badly the writers manage to bungle something. I am surprised at myself. Because when there was a raging fire at Mac's (a fire SO CUNNING that it managed to evade smoke detectors and Robin's sense of smell), all I did was get peeved at the sloppy writing. I didn't look at the big picture and get righteously angry that Bob Guza & Company once again LITERALLY SET FIRE TO THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW! Where are my priorities?! I am totally off my game, you guys.

It was sort of heartbreaking to listen to the assorted members of the Scorpio/Jones clan discuss their memories of the house. Not least because so many of the people they mentioned have been killed off or considered useless by the show.

Mac: I guess the lesson is nothing lasts forever. Felicia left. Georgie's dead. Robin and Maxie moved on and are starting lives of their own, and now my house is gone. 

Felicia, Georgie, Robert, Anna: gone. One of them (who, as I often say, could have driven story for decades, or at least until GH's cancellation) was murdered by an undead serial killer and the existence of the rest is practically offensive to the writing staff. Between this and Edward's depressing meta-commentary on the status of the Quartermaines, it's like the writers are giving us the finger and I do not like it.