Serial Drama

About That AMC Spoiler...

I don't normally seek out spoilers because...well, for one, most of what happens on soaps these days and on All My Children in particular is so enormously predictable that the only people who can't accurately predict what's coming up next are people who haven't watched soaps in five years. And even those people have a pretty good understanding of upcoming plots; they just don't know the names of new characters. So I often don't feel the need to be spoiled, because it's not as though, like, "Ryan declares his love for Greenlee" is a surprising plot development.

The other reason I try not to spoil myself: I have a tendency to assume the worst. So I might read a vaguely worded spoiler, be horrified by it and spend days fixating on how bad it will be. And then by the time the episode actually airs, it winds up being even more awful than I originally anticipated.

But sometimes spoilers just can't be avoided and this week, there is a big one. We'll discuss after the jump, so if you want to be surprised, don't click!

Hyperbole and Other Llanview-esque Mistakes

"Girls like that don't stay single for long."  In case you missed it, this line was uttered by Ford about Starr.  I'm not joking.  Check your DVR, check it out online, check the script.  To be clear, teenage girls with small children, famous rapist ex-con fathers who are prone to violence against the men in their daughters' lives, and babydaddies imprisoned for murder.  Girls like that.  Don't stay single for long.  I mean, you better make your move fast because she is a catch.

And!  The word "amniocentesis" has 300 letters in it when typed by Ford.

Oh, good news!  You can totally walk into whatever private hospital room you want to and just hang out, in case you were wondering.  Luckily Brody knew that so he could "be there" for Natalie.

Okay, I'm being unfair.  Friday's One Life to Live was actually a pretty classic soapy episode.  Two simultaneous paternity tests (one potential father being a possibility for both) by two twins, a cliffhanger ending with the appearance of an abusive father, a major character turning himself into the police for murder, a gone-crazy psychiatrist getting some inside information on someone she's vowed revenge upon, and a big already-grown-up paternity reveal.  And as much bad press as she gets for hamming it up, the big red bow for me was Kim Zimmer proving why she is royalty in this game by delivering a pure old-school soap opera performance.

Enjoyment Amid The Turmoil

If SOAPNet weren't allergic to soap operas and also on its last legs, and if I hadn't been so epically burned by the last General Hospital spinoff (yes, Night Shift season two was everything a soap could be, but the memories of the first season continue to weigh heavily on my soul. REMEMBER? REMEMBER? The serial killer, the nameless Ms. Barrett with her face wrapped in eight miles of Ace bandages, the Billy Dee Williams, the glimpse Robin got of her dead and/or evil twin?), I would probably start a campaign advocating for an Edward Quartermaine spinoff, because I just find John Ingle to be endlessly adorable.

(He also has one of the greatest IMDB pages ever. His resume can basically be summed up as "He was in basically everything awesome" including roles on The Golden Girls, Parks and Recreation, The Office in its glory days, 90210, Melrose Place, Webster and The Facts of Life, both of which I enjoyed immensely as a toddler, Heathers, and so on, and so on, and so awesomely on.)

I don't blame you for thinking that I'm high because...a Quartermaine spinoff? Hello, General Hospital can't be bothered to give them more than three minutes of screentime a month, let alone a whole show, but Edward's scenes with Brenda today gave me the warm fuzzies and inspired me to dream big. I had been impatiently waiting for a scene between these two and I have to say, aside from the all too short length, it didn't disappoint.

 
The way his face lit up when he saw her on the doorstep? ADORABLE.

 
The way he has no patience for Jason's line of work? ADORABLE.

Edward: Words may fly here at the Quartermaines, not bullets.

Brenda: I feel safe when I'm with [Jason].
Edward: Of course, he's a big hulking thug.

The meta line he had so accurately describing the current state of the Quartermaine family? ADOR--actually, it's less adorable and more tragic.

Edward: I cannot believe that the Quartermaines have been reduced to catering to the likes of Luke Spencer.

"I cannot believe that the Quartermaines have been reduced to three of us and our obnoxious, overacting weirdo of a maid" would have also been an acceptable assessment.

Gross.

It may be inarticulate, but what else is there to say, really?  Today's episode was just... gross.

Todd and Tea and their schmoopy little tepid dull reunion sex that they couldn't even show five seconds of because it would somehow demean the wholesome pure goodness that is their beautifully true love story.  Gross.

Tea's lame little insecurity spell about whether or not Todd really wants to be married to her, and Todd's schmoopy little bland reaction.  Gross. 

Todd and Tea are having ANOTHER wedding.  Even though the last one was valid this time.  Another wedding.  You know, to share the wholesome pure goodness that is their beautifully true love story.  Gross.

This is freakin' Todd Manning and Tea Delgado.  THEY SHOULD NOT BE BLAND.  They should be hot and hateful and hysterical and over-the-top.  THEY SHOULD NOT BE BLAND.

Old-Dude Ford and Todd's newest prize-for-being-awesome (or daughter, whatevs) having a sugary pedo reunion.  Gross.

Starr and Cole's "hot" little creeping-up-the-bed last-sex-ever scene.  Gross.  (Though I was a bit happy for them considering I'm pretty sure this was the first time they'd gotten laid in years.)

John basically admitting that he couldn't handle raising another man's child because it, you know, undermines his manliness.  Gross.

Half the town being totally convinced that Echo (DiSavoy) knows something about Rex's mother while Echo (DiSavoy) says things like, "I would never hurt Rex!" and no one, especially including alleged-investigative-reporter Viki, has even considered the obvious?  Gross.

King-Of-Statch-Rape Ford trying to convince Mouth-Breather Ford that if he saves a girl's life she should totally give it up to him.  Gross.

In order to serve the unfortunate inevitability that Clint is really Rex's father, they are playing along as if Rex is somehow some sort of worthy adversary for Clint.  Please.  Gross.

The fact that all of this could still be counter-balanced and made better by the presence of Fish and Kyle?  Gross.  (Yes, yes, I am still bitter!)

You know what's not gross, though?  Natalie's adorably improperly-positioned and hardly-fastened pregnancy pad.  Not gross at all.  Hilarious.

 

Is There Ever NOT An Exception To Police Procedure?

Hats off, by the way, to Florencia Lozano today.  Today she rose above the typical Tea hysterics (I don't mean that as back-handed toward the actress, by the way, as I've said many times I think she plays those to the hilt and they are what is usually called for) and made some refreshing choices during Tea's confrontation of Greg and really almost actually made me feel something in response to this storyline, which I've found predictable and dull thus far. Way to go, Flo!  (And her work later in the episode was bogged down by the presence of that Todd character, naturally, but that seems to be an inevitability.  And Todd has, I guess, made his final choice about which members of his family he's going to give a crap about.  'Cause that other daughter?  Eh, she's fine.)

But it was nice of the police escorts to make their standard exception of stopping to let their prisoner get confronted by someone.  This was a special circumstance!  (I've never seen anything else on a soap, of course, but... okay.)

It was also nice of One Life to Live to follow up on the Evans family subplot, which they dropped six freaking days ago with no explanation. Today we got the deeply satisfying explanation that, despite last week hearing Greg say the words "I killed her," Destiny's mother (Charlene) in fact died because she tripped and fell.  Oopsie!  Oh and Greg got rid of the body so no one would suspect him of murder.  And so sixteen years later he became an accomplice to murder so that no one would find out, and his parents think he should be given special consideration from the law as a little "thanks" for the fact that he, you know, didn't kill Tea.  Man, if only I could get a reward every time I didn't kill someone.  (Anyone else remain confused as to which part of this Greg and Shaun's parents did and did not know?  They seemed to immediately know it was the "secret" worth helping a serial killer in exchange for his silence, but if they didn't know about the cover-up part, it seems they'd wonder whether it was worth it.  And... I only care about the Evans [grand]parents because I love those actors, right?  I guess we're not really supposed to be too concerned with their non-contract side of things.)

By the way, did we ever get any sort of an explanation for the second and third opinions Tea allegedly got regarding her fake tumor?

Natalie continued not being a real person today by having a prolonged conversation with this:

 

And didn't bat an eye.  Granted, they were talking about how he might be the father of both her and her sister's babies, so it's not exactly your standard everyday exchange.  And she obviously noticed once, even though it took tequila.  But damn that boy's still pretty.

There Is No End to the Ridiculosity

It goes without saying that the only (THE ONLY) time General Hospital exhibits consistency and continuity is when it pertains to Jason Morgan and his inherent greatness. The rest of the show is a slapdash mess of "Maybe it doesn't make 'sense' that this character would do this, but you know what it would make? AWESOME" and "Let's just pretend that the thing that happened didn't happen. And let's make it happen the exact opposite way" and it's all very frustrating, not to mention shockingly dull, to watch.

I thought that I'd made my--well, saying that I made my peace with that is a pretty blatant lie, considering the four years worth of blog entries I've written detailing my dissatisfaction with all that this show chooses to be. I thought I had at least learned to expect it, then. But then come episodes like today's, in which nearly every line of dialogue had me screeching, in the manner of a howler monkey or Carly, "Oh my god, what is HAPPENING?" NONE of it made sense from a character standpoint, or a history standpoint or an entertainment standpoint.

Truth Telling, With Madison North

The All My Children writing staff--what follows is a shocking statement, so I hope you are seated while reading this and within arm's reach of a paper bag in case the surprise causes you to hyperventilate--has never really had a handle on what to do with Madison North and in lieu of genuine character development and actual story arcs, opted to just throw her into different situations to see what could possibly stick. So she went from a villainess to a damsel in distress, and then from a disciple of the Church of Ryan to... a devout disciple of the Church of Ryan.

But her relationship with Ryan is over (as proof of how serious she is about the end of their romance, she returned the greatest key of all time) and she has moved onto her latest--and greatest--incarnation: rational woman who calls 'em like she sees 'em.

Greenlee swanned in as Madison was packing her things and, upon hearing that Ryan is now single, got her junior high on, asking "Who did it? Did Ryan break up with you, or...?" Madison was understandably disgusted and later gave a speech equal parts wryly observant and deliciously bitchy.

Madison: Ryan's risking his whole life, his whole future to make sure that you go free.
Greenlee: Because that's who he is.
Madison: Exactly. He's always swooping in at just the right time, doing just the right thing. I should know, that's how I met him. He picked me up, he dusted me off, got me back on my feet. That's what he does. He can't help himself.
Greenlee: So...?
Madison: So there will always be another me. Or you. Or Annie. Or Kendall. Yes, you two will have your moment, but what if one day another woman gets herself in the wrong situation? Gets hit by a car, slips on the ice. What do you think Ryan's going to do?

Is she right or is she right? She's remarkably great when she's not worshiping Ryan! I am worried about her future with the show, though. She'll either revert back to crazy or become one with the back-burner. The former has potential to be entertaining, because who doesn't love unhinged people making Ryan's life miserable, but the latter just makes me sad. Don't let it happen, AMC writers! Do what you do best and just invent a new story and personality for her.

Hope REALLY Wants Her Mommy! (And Other Lessons)

Things I learned from today's One Life to Live, in mostly non-sequitur form:

Those little twins playing Hope really, really want Mommy.

 Dorian doesn't have any buddies.

Oh and Starr's makeup is still perfect.  And apparently after not bathing or brushing her teeth for a week, she still smells like a rose. 

She did change, though.  I am not understanding these jeans.  It's like acid wash, but not.  Is this a current trend?  Explain?

Can anyone help me out with this?  Are we wearing jeans in this wash now?

Oh and poor, poor Cole.

See, Cole is angry that he's not the douchebag who helped save Starr and Hope.  Instead, it was some other douchebag.  The douchebag that is Cole was busy killing someone at the time.  While the screencap above gives us what should be a sympathetic moment for Cole, he actually spent most of the episode fuming because of that other douchebag.  Because that outweighs the safety of his child and her mother.

Blair vs Marty (our "friendly neighborhood quack")!  Blair got all Tennessee about Marty today.