Sweeps Dreams. Or Nightmares, Rather
This November sweeps is a far cry from sweeps periods past. Historically, sweeps have served as a way for the General Hospital writers to demonstrate to an ever-dwindling audience that there are no limits to the kind of craziness they can dream up (Examples: "Masked men hold a hotel hostage before Jason saves the day"; "A strangler terrorizes a random Black and White ball before Jason saves the day"; "Toxic balls. SERIOUSLY, TOXIC FREAKING BALLS") and while I'm not saying I want to sit through another few weeks of the entire cast congregating together for some half-assed reason, waiting for Jason to save them from violence or other peril, I...I would like November sweeps to have something worth watching, because right now, the most intriguing aspects of this show are:
- Ronnie's dye job.
How does he get his hair SO BLACK and SO SHINY? Is it shoe polish? Printer ink? Or does he lovingly color each strand with a marker and, if so, what kind of marker? Sharpie? Or maybe Mr. Sketch? I doubt that he is cool enough to know and love the Mr. Sketch line of markers, but I can dream.
- Lisa's makeup situation.
I know I gripe about her hair all the time (I'm fixated, but it's a justifiable fixation!), but her makeup right now is giving me even more pause. Perhaps the over-the-top application of, um, everything is a way of conveying that she's going even more over-the-top in her quest to rid the world of Robin? But even if the heavy makeup is a character choice, I have to ask: how can a person own that much makeup but not a single blotting sheet? You can get the for, like, a dollar at Target.
Okay, so maybe that's a slight exaggeration. While the majority of the show is so boring that it defies description (how many times can I say the words "and then [CHARACTER] talked about Brenda to [OTHER CHARACTER]" or "and then Brenda talked to [CHARACTER] about Brenda some more..."?) there have been a few moments of entertainment. And most of those moments include, of all people, Jason, Carly and Maxie. If you had told 2006 Mallory that I would one day type those words, I'd probably panic and think that a serious brain injury was in my future!
Remember when NYPD Blue gossipped to Carly that he was totally sure that Brenda and Dante had an affair, because Dante didn't deny having an affair and Carly practically levitate as she floated up to cloud nine? She thinks, for reasons that I am not entirely clear on, that this is EXACTLY the weapon she needs to blow Dante and Brenda's lives apart forever (really: I'm sure it could be uncomfortable counting a father and a son as ex-boyfriends, but she'd join the ranks of a ton of soap characters, and no one even knew Dante was Sonny's son, so..) and is practically shimmying with joy every time she talks about it. The only thing that can harsh her buzz is Jason bursting her bubble with, you know, SENSE.
His blatant impatience was hilarious, as was her steadfast refusal to listen to reason. Did you miss it? Here is a (barely) paraphrased recap:
CARLY: Dante and Brenda totally DID IT. They DID IT, JASON.
CARLY: It IS gross, Jason. IT IS.
JASON: I meant your obsession with those two.
CARLY: I'm not obsessed. I'm not! So I spend the majority of my day thinking about the two of them in a variety of life-threatening situations, but that's not obsession, that's...
CARLY: Whatever, THEY DID IT. Sonny's great love or whatever which, honestly, vomit, totally had sex with his son.
JASON: Says who?
CARLY: Says BRAD.
JASON: Who's Brad?
CARLY: KEEP UP, JASON. Brad! He worked with Dante and he totally said that he assumed Brenda and Dante were having sex and when he asked Dante about it, Dante didn't dignify it with a response which is totally code for "Yes, we TOTALLY DID IT".
JASON: That's not actually "proof".
CARLY: BRAD WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME. Brad is the most trustworthy person I know.
JASON: Carly, he didn't tell you anything.
CARLY: OH MY GOD, JASON.
CARLY: Are you brain damaged?
JASON: Actually, I am, yeah.
No doubt disappointed that her BFF didn't join her in doing a happy dance over the unearthing of the biggest secret to ever be kept, Carly took part in her OTHER life-ruining plan, passive-aggressively talking up Dante to Lulu, who remains completely oblivious to the vindictive shrew-itude Carly is poorly hiding.
Lulu: I've never felt this way about anybody.
Carly: There you go. So go for it. I mean, unless you don't think Dante's the one.
Lulu: No. I know that Dante's the one. I know that he feels the same way about me.
Carly: Great. I mean, Dante's proved over and over again the kind of man that he is.
Luke overheard this touching conversation and correctly assumed that Carly is playing a game, which, FINALLY. How can anybody with eyes and ears not see that Carly is lying through her teeth in an effort to inflict maximum damage on Dante and Lulu?
The other major story Friday? Lisa's plot to kill (or harm) (or drive crazy) (or who the hell knows because the writers sure don't) Robin.
The episode started with more of Brenda's visit with Robin, which I don't want to criticize because I am happy that they are even having conversations at all, but it was heavy on the Sonny and Brenda and remarkably light on, you know, Robin. And what's with Robin's bathrobe?
Anyway, Brenda leaves and Robin falls asleep and Lisa tampers with a syringe in the middle of the hallway, which seems incredibly risky and not at all what a true soap villain would do, and Johnny strolls up to ask her where a doctor's office is and they have a completely stilted conversation.
Johnny: Listen. I wanted to say something to you before this, but thank you for not turning me in for trying to influence you during sonny's murder trial.
Who knew the writers even remembered that?
Lisa basically responded with, "HAHA, it's totally cool. You know, it happens. Am I talking really loud? I feel like I'm shouting, but it can't be because I'm doing anything suspicious because I'm not."
Then she went to inject something into Robin's IV because...well, because her new brand of crazy is just to re-live OLD episodes of crazy that have already failed once. Hilariously and awesomely, she was interrupted by Maxie.
And then she THREW HER PURSE with FULL FORCE at Lisa, who went sprinting through the hallway and barked at Johnny to take the syringe she was holding
Before playing innocent to a concerned crowd of Nikolas, Steven, Patrick, Maxie and Ronnie. Why nobody asked why she was running at full speed through the hospital is beyond me. Oh, contrivance. How I loathe you.
Adrienne Barbeau is SERIOUSLY annoying. Why does she...okay, why does she exist, first of all? And second, why does she feel the need to interrogate Brenda and Dante about their past, as if it is any of her business?
Wow, that IS a skill because Brenda is just so subtle about her feelings.
Things I Would Never Say To A Person Who Shot My Unarmed Son In The Chest. I Know That This List Should Be One Item Long and the One Item Should Be "Anything", But Here We Are:
Olivia: I'm really happy that you feel you can confide in me like this.
She said it while beaming. BEAMING!
I normally love and adore seeing flashbacks of GH's glory days, but the powers-that-be need to made aware that flashbacks of Sonny and Brenda are doing present-day Sonny and Brenda no favors.
They just remind me of a time that Vanessa Marcil was so natural and wonderful, and Maurice Benard made a point of knowing his lines. Which...is not the case these days, if I'm being diplomatic about things.