The Sublime and the Ridiculous
Even if a person managed to avoid reading about the big All My Children spoiler (I can't even imagine the constant vigilance required to do so. An internet embargo, surely, since it's on all of the soap websites. Covering your hands while you wait in line at the grocery store so you can't see the soap magazine headlines? Probably), today's episode has spoiled them for sure, what with the ENORMOUS ANVILS emblazoned with the words "Get it? Because--hee!--they are going to get a happy ending. The NOT kind!" hurtling through the air.
I mean, REALLY.
Kendall: It wasn't all lobsters and proposals and happiness and romance. We've been through it, too.
Zach: Yeah, more than once.
Kendall: But that's over. Now we're together. Everything's great. We're finally happy and we're going to stay that way.
Zach: Yes. If I have anything to do with it, yes.
The only questions the formerly unspoiled could possibly have are: 1.) Which one of them is going to die? and 2.) In what manner? Gruesome accident? Tragic illness? Of boredom, from watching the rest of this show?
As heavily telegraphed as the upcoming tragedy was (and it was. Practically in neon), the Zach and Kendall portion of today's episode was like a love letter to the pairing. They took a trip down memory lane, recounting the happy moments that got them to where they are now, and we got flashbacks and discussions of the flashbacks that were just so charming that I can't even.
The way Thorsten Kaye and Alicia Minshew reacted to the anecdotes was completely adorable. It seemed--and I could be reading too much into things in a breathless fangirl sort of way--that they remembered all of those scenes and loved them just as much as Zach and Kendall (and I!) did. I love and am really going to miss their rapport. But at least they're getting some (long overdue, am I right?) good writing as we move towards the end...
And then on the opposite end of the spectrum is--
There was a--
Something happened with--
The horrible thing that won't die is even more horrible because it now includes declarations of love and kissing. I thought that Ryan and Greenlee staring longingly at each other was about as wretched as it could get; I was wrong.
Ryan: I saw you motionless and I just had these images running through my mind. Everything that's happening now, everything that's happened rushing through my mind. And I love you too much to lose you again, Greenlee.
Greenlee: Did you just--did you?
Ryan: Yeah. And I should have said it before. I should have said it sooner.
Greenlee: Say it again.
Ryan: I love you. I love you and I never stopped loving you.
Greenlee: I love you, too.
Ryan: I haven't felt like this, like me, since our wedding day. Greenlee, I am so sorry. I need to say this, okay? I'm sorry that I didn't keep going. I should have knocked on your door every single day and told you how much I love you and that we were right for each other.
Ryan: We're going to get through this.
Greenlee, gazing adoringly at him like he was a Beatle or something and I sort of want to slap myself for using The Beatles and Ryan in the same thought: I know.
Judging by the editing of this episode, we were supposed to be swept up in the love and romance of Greenlee and Ryan finally ("finally") reuniting for real, and I think the writers probably anticipated that we would all run out at 2:00 and purchase fainting couches for the express purpose of swooning over this star crossed couple finally reunited after overcoming obstacles entirely of their own making. I couldn't do that at 2:00, though, because I was incapacitated on account of the vomiting.