Serial Drama

The Biggest Reveal Ever! Or The Biggest Reveal Friday at 3PM, At Any Rate...

Mark your calendars! Tomorrow, December 17th, is when we finally find out the answer to the question we lost interest in back in August: who is The Balkan?

Soap Opera Digest has Vanessa Marcil Giovinazzomg, I am never going to get used to that name's reaction:

Be sure to tune into GENERAL HOSPITAL this Friday, December 17. That's when viewers will learn the identity of the much-ballyhooed crime figure, The Balkan, who has menaced Brenda for months. What does Brenda's portrayer think of the big reveal? "I was floored," claps Vanessa Marcil Giovinazzo. "I wouldn't have guessed it in a million years. I love what Bob [Guza, Jr., head writer] has in mind. All of my extended family in Staten Island text me and e-mail me and call me every week with a new guess as to who The Balkan is. They want me to give them hints, but I think I'd be fired for giving that away!" Well GH fans, the wait is almost over....

"Floored" as in surprised? Or "floored" as in "I forcibly threw myself onto the ground in hopes that making contact with the floor would give me a concussion and I could forget ever hearing this?" This being General Hospital, it could go either way...but most likely, it will go the latter way.

Possible Balkans:

• Adrienne Barbeau: maybe the whole ASEC thing is a total front and she used her buttinski powers for EVIL.
• Theo: it's odd, isn't it, that a hospital patient is getting so much airtime? The writers may have lulled us into a false sense of security, thinking that Theo is just Shirley 2.0, except cantankerous and prone to fits of melodrama, but next thing you know: EVIL.
• Diego Alcazar: come on, like you didn't think the same thing!
• Cameron Webber: he did stare at the candles at Emma's birthday party very intently.
  
  

And he is far, far smarter than most people in Port Charles, so being a criminal mastermind isn't really out of the realm of possibility. It goes without saying that he would quickly become my favorite supervillain of all time.

The only noteworthy thing about today's General Hospital is how quickly I managed to fast-forward through it. But! To give credit where credit is due, there were two genuine laugh out loud moments.

Jerry: Carly is such a good fit for you and she makes the most ADORABLE babies [...] Please tell baby Josslyn that Uncle Jerry loves her very much.

Even frustrated soap viewers and poorly written villains can agree that fat-headed Joss is all kinds of cute!

 
Elsewhere, Diane asked Alexis to look over the suit being brought against Dante and Brenda. Because that is exactly what these two need: a TRIAL story that will play out onscreen every day for months or--God forbid-years. Anyway!

Alexis: Unfortunately, the more I read this, the more I agree that this case has merit. And you know what? To make matters worse, Brenda is a model. She's a celebrity. You and I both know that juries aren't sympathetic to people who have glamorous lives.
Diane: All right. Well, I am open to any and all suggestions.
Alexis: Well, make sure that you have twelve jurors who are fashion conscious and like Chachi hair and puppy dog eyes.

Alexis may get less screentime than background appliances, but at least the writers give her some quality quips when she's on-screen! CHACHI HAIR. That's art.

Fingers Crossed For A Rewrite of a Rewrite

Turning Madison North into a villain wouldn't be illogical and completely out of character (besides, even if it were, does anybody think that the All My Children writers would care? Or even know what any of those words mean?). It would just be reverting to type; the type that is a scheming, vindictive bitch. And if ever there was a character in need of some bitchiness, it is Madison.

Greenlee: Madison, I'm sorry you were shot. I'm sorry that your breakup with Ryan was very painful. But you need to stop coming around here. You didn't come here to quit Fusion.
Madison: Leave me alone.
Greenlee: I can't, because you won't leave Ryan alone.
Madison: You don't understand.
Greenlee: No, I don't. You told Ryan to stay away from you and then I come home and you're with him.
Madison: I wasn't--I just needed to--never mind.
Greenlee: You may not believe this, Madison, but Ido feel for you. I'm genuinely sorry for everything you've gone through and I'm not just talking about the shooting.
Madison: I should have worn my bullet proof vest. This building is dangerous.
Greenlee: So is holding onto something that's over.
Madison: You think I came here to try to get Ryan back?
Greenlee: You two were serious. I get that. But you need to move on with your life.

(Let's just ignore how depressing it is that Greenlee and Madison are so territorial of and heartbroken over/knocked up by, respectively, Ryan, because that's just a novel-length rant waiting to happen)

Surely I wasn't the only person wishing that Madison would bend down two and a half feet and rip a chunk of Greenlee's hair out? She hasn't even been reunited with Ryan for that long (their reunion has been so disturbing that it feels like much longer) and already her smugness is at threat level midnight. We are in for a rough few weeks/months/however long Rebecca Budig has on her contract!

"This Is Some Show", She Said In A Voice Drenched With Sarcasm

On paper, it seems like Tuesday's episode of General Hospital had it all. A confrontation between a (-n awesome. Yes, I said it, awesome. You only have yourselves to blame, really, always saying, "Mallory, you don't like ANYTHING". Well, I DO. It just turns out that that anything is Carly, shrieks and all) mother and the older woman trying to date her son. An estranged couple sharing a tender moment (I...am a sucker. I wish Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough would just half ass it, even once). Blackmail. Crazy people. Heartbreak. A car chase. It even had blasphemy (really, did anyone else gasp and wonder if the floor would swallow Sam whole when she uttered the words "Well, maybe Jason's right"?! MAYBE?! What kind of a sycophant is she? A bad one, obviously!)!

All of that sounds almost...soapy doesn't it?

AND YET: Dullsvile. Yawn City. Bore Town.

I mean, let's look at the last scene of the episode, following the aforementioned car crash where Jerry (oh, right, Jerry is back. Because we've all been clamoring for that) possibly perished (because I am so sure that the show is going to for real kill off the villain they love to trot out for ghastly, completely illogical deeds), after killing an innocent lab tech and whispering sweet nothings to a dead body ("Tonight is my last chance to bring Alexander home"? Somebody please photoshop Jerry's face onto the cover of a Harlequin novel).

Dante: No one survives that crash.
Jason: Jerry's survived a lot.
Dante: Well, we got to wait for the paperwork. But if he didn't survive, maybe this whole thing's over.
Lucky: And then, what? We just tell Brenda and Siobhan that everything's okay? That they're safe? We don't even know for sure that Jerry was actually The Balkan.
Jason: How is it snowy if it's not winter yet? Did...did the weather break?

Okay, he didn't, but he might as well have, because CONFUSION was plastered all over his face.

 
Speaking of faces...

The Listless List Of Suspects

So, today's One Life to Live started to shed some light on who may and who may not have killed Eddie Ford. Who is on the suspect list? The top of the list seems to be James, Inez, and Nate. Is Nora a possibility? (Where is she? And where is Matthew?) If it's Nate, he's pretty much a psychopath considering he's only met Eddie like three or four times. I suppose there's some chance that Ford did sneak out and kill Eddie considering all of his comments about how their father won't ever be able to hurt James again. I think what interests me the least here is that all the suspects on the list are people we're supposed to give a crap about (the key words being "supposed to," in the case of any of those Ford/Salingers) and, at the end of the day, we'll learn that it was really just in self-defense or defense others. There's no way any of these "heroes" committed murder, right? And the previews for tomorrow (I'm having fun that these are back... why did they ever go away in the first place?) seem to indicate that Todd might be another suspect, so clearly something heroic happened. I can see how Todd would be angry enough to kill Eddie -- I mean, almost raping Nora is totally Todd's thing, no fair!

One suspect, Inez, was shown returning home in last night's outfit to be greeted by Bo asking her point-blank if they had sex the night before.  He asked pretty outright considering he should be mortified at the thought. Why in the world can't Inez just tell Bo what Clint is up to? And then they had a super-casual conversation about it. He was seriously, seriously under-reacting. I hope that was just public stoicism. If I woke up from a night of drinking and realized that I'd cheated on someone (or been lied to that I had), I'd really want the world to swallow me whole. Complete devastation. Not that I'd know. Really. Oh, stop judging, Y2K was a crazy time!

Look, as usual I have nothing nice to say about the Fords and I find Ford and Langston to be the grossest couple ever (their relationship has seriously evolved into Langston being horny but maternal with him and I just... I can't) and Starr and James are dumb as bricks and dull as dirt, so let's instead spend some time with the rest of the show, shall we? It wasn't half bad. Some thoughts:

• Wait, is Bree Williamson back from maternity leave?  Oh yes, clearly, she's a completely different shape now. Welcome back, not-as-big-as-a-house Jessica!
• Were there actual non-Ford-related family conversations taking place today?  Wha..?
• Kelly's comment about how Blair is the common factor in all of Blair's failed relationships was way harsh, but it also made no sense. Couldn't the same be said about anyone's failed relationships? Did Blair somehow personally contribute to her most recent failed relationship?  
• Dorian was adorable behind Kelly and Blair gesticulating at them nervously to be nice to each other. But her advice was pretty awful. "Your ex just got engaged to someone new? What a perfect time to tell him you're still in love with him!  How could that go wrong?  We're Cramer women, we're nothing if not insanely lucky in love in the most unlikely situations!" 
• A miracle occurred! Blair was actually given a chance to speak to her family, however briefly, about her experience with Eli.
• I hadn't realized how much less I dislike Rex when he's not with GIgi. Not that he had much to do today other than writhe and moan a little, but honestly? The last few episodes have given us a better side to Rex -- his scenes with Natalie and with Nora have been oddly refreshing. Or... not bad.
• At the moment, we have three out of the five (as far as they know) siblings engaged to be married (Jess, Natalie, Joey) with one more rumored to be engaged (Kevin, though erroneously rumored thus).  Would it kill them to bring the fifth sibling home for a day?  I miss Cord!

So, who killed Eddie?  

Destiny out!  (Is she still on this show?)

 

AMC In 30 Seconds

That's about how long, give or take a few seconds, I make it through most episodes of All My Children these days, thanks to the fast forward button. What would I do without the fast forward button?! It, gingerbread lattes and lip balm are basically the only things that keep me a functioning member of society.

And it's also how long I have to discuss Monday's episode. Monday was...a DAY, and I think I have the beginnings of a cold, and sentences and paragraphs are not happening, no matter how hard I try. But you can pretend paragraphs are here! Imagine really long paragraphs and run-on sentences (it is my writing, after all) instead of the list of questions, some unanswerable, that follow.

• Is there a platonic equivalent of chem-testing? Because Madison and Kendall's brief scene at the start of the episode seemed to be that, whatever it is called, and I think it was quite a successful one. I'd love to see them bonding, not least because it would cause Greenlee's head to explode after running all over Pine Valley screeching "Me, me, why isn't anyone talking about how this is effecting meeeee?"
• Can we just FedEx the Emmy to Alicia Minshew now?
• Why do the writers continue to go to the "Jack and Erica lock horns over Greenlee!" well? I know the past few AMC writing regimes haven't been known for their creative storytelling, but I find it amusing and also depressing that they are all so uncreative in the exact same ways.
• Although Erica did get in some quality jabs.

Erica: Do you not hear yourself? You're making this all about you.

Erica: Stop trying to make this a pity party for you.

Erica: I'm sorry, you can't take a little rehashing? Two little boys are going to grow up without their father. Gabby and Miranda without their Uncle Zach.

When Erica and her four feet of highly sprayed hair are right, they are really right. 

(Also, Zach is technically Gabby's uncle-daddy, but I guess that wasn't the time or the place for the proper terminology. And it's totally in character of Erica to just gloss over complicated or unattractive things, like horrendous DNA donations or the fact that she has grandchildren)

• Holy fuck, what was Greenlee wearing?

 
It's like an edible materials challenge on Project Runway that would earn the ire of all of the judges. Michael Kors would make a comment about being eaten by a head of lettuce, and Nina would be too disgusted to even speak.

• Is anyone else kind of, sort of interested in where this Jake/Amanda/Cara/Griffin story is going? Today marked the first time in a long time that I felt anything for Jake besides revulsion and I even saw a glimmer of acting talent in Ricky Paull Goldin.
• I was going to wonder why everyone was so surprised that Madison had an OB/GYN appointment because, hello, do women in Pine Valley not go for a yearly checkup? And then I realized that not a year goes by when a Pine Valley woman isn't pregnant, so they really do only go to the doctor for prenatal appointments...
• Isn't Denise Vasi pretty? So pretty! But...goodness, when Madison was babbling about being pregnant and Randi darkly said that she really bad morning sickness, and Madison fell all over herself apologizing for being insensitive? I was so confused! Her facial expression and tone of voice did not change at all, so I had no idea that Randi was upset or wistful or sad or hungry, or whatever she was supposed to be feeling.

Reasons To Call The Cops (And Other Things That Mystify)

Today was a tough one.  I usually skip yelling at the screen because it just hurts, but I couldn't help it this time.  While we had one scenario in which a bunch of (completely idiotic) people were blown away and full of righteous indignation that if you punch someone and he pushes back, you are not a victim who can press charges while you walk away scot-free... we had another scenario in which a woman had been abducted, tied up, taunted, and nearly raped, BUT NO ONE CALLED THE MOTHERTRUCKING POLICE.  This is not the sort of situation that 911 is for??  Why, because Nora had wonderful, protective Rex with her to save the day? No worries about catching the dude who did it by, I don't know, sending some uniforms to the motel room?

These last few episodes have truly been bizarre.  I really struggle to find words to explain what went on at that boxing gym and who in the world we were supposed to be rooting for.  From what I gather (if you really want to track it, which you probably don't), the Fords made a deal wherein Bobby would box Eddie and if Bobby won, Eddie would leave town (I didn't catch if there was a "prize" if Eddie were to win). Eddie's an expert boxer and a violent maniac, but not only did the gaggle of morons think they could help Bobby learn to box in one day, they also thought there was some chance Eddie would follow through on his end of the bargain were he to lose.  They brought in Cris, who dislikes Ford, to help him out. Cris helped because... he didn't like Eddie pushing James around. Then they brought in Brody, who loathes Ford with the burning fire of a thousand suns.  Brody helped because... I have no freaking idea.  Because it gave us shirtless Brody scenes (I am not complaining)?  Both Cris and Brody got in a few punches (yay!) and it shocked the gaggle of dimwits and made them very nervous, but also made Langston very horny.

With me so far? Langston tried to talk Ford into bowing out of the fight by offering him a roll in the hay, and since Our Hero Ford is such an honorable dude, this made him love Langston so much that he couldn't possibly bang her.  Starr, Nate, and Dani stood around being some sort of awkward Greek chorus of jackasses, and then Eddie came back and everyone yelled at each other a lot.  I still don't understand what I was watching because it did not make a lick of sense.  Then Ford punched Eddie, who punched him back?  And pushed him, and then proceeded to take him down with a hilarious head butt. This made the jackassery contingent very unhappy and shrieky, and made James reach for a gun a few times with a weepy face.  Awkwardly.  And really, this is the key word.  AWKWARDLY.  The plotting was inorganic, the reactions were inorganic, the.... did all of this really happen?

"Poor Ford!"  Or something.

On Rivals and Romance and Repeated Repetition

The following words may surprise you--indeed, they are probably the most shocking thing to happen in or around Port Charles in ages--but they're the truth: yesterday's episode of General Hospital was not a rerun. I can see why you'd think it was an old episode, since everyone was having the same conversations they've been having for eons, but no. Brand new.

Thursday's rehashed rehash had some high points. Okay, one high point. And, like it ALWAYS is, that high point was Carly.

 
Her obsession with Brenda and Dante, her utter vindictiveness and her perfect hair are the best parts of this show. Faint praise? Perhaps. But her melodramatic squealing about how quickly and tragically this latest go-round of Sonny and Brenda will end and how much time she is going to have to spend cleaning up broken glasses  is hilarious.

Then there was the rest. Quick thoughts...

• Rumor has it that Daniel Benzali is a legitimate actor and I know that means nothing once an actor has to start speaking GH-penned words in front of a hopelessly inept GH director, but...what's with the over-the-top accent and unnecessary hamminess?
  
   
  He sounds like Sesame Street's Count von Count starring in an all Muppet revival of King Lear. Part of me hopes that he IS The Balkan and just really enjoys getting into character. The other part of me hopes that he is NOT The Balkan, because can you imagine the tongue-lashing Robin will get from the rest of Port Charles if it turns out that he's an international crime figure and she was the only person who took a liking to him? And I bet Lisa would be the one to discover the truth! It's a horrible prospect!
• Speaking of Lisa and horrible, what is this?
   
• Also, what kind of dimwitted criminal mastermind attempts to steal medicine in front of a plethora of doctors, nurses, the Chief of Staff and a hospital trustee?!
• Not that the Chief of Staff is effective at his job in any way, shape or form. In a completely random scene that I assume was written so that real life BFFs Scott Reeves and Steve Burton could work together, Jason asked Steve for help in drawing The Balkan out of the mysterious shadows her lurks in, and Steve entered the room with all sorts of attitude before immediately caving in to Jason's wishes.  

STEVE: You beckoned me, you criminal, you?
JASON: I need your help.
STEVE: IRONIC, isn't it? That a CRIMINAL needs my help. You call me to your den of sin and murder plots, and you want me, the Chief of Staff, to help you, the hitman? I think not.
JASON: It's just that Brenda's life is at stake--
STEVE: Lives will ALWAYS be at stake when people spend time with thugs and murderers.
JASON: It's just--
STEVE: Are you trying to intimidate me? It's not going to work. Yeah, the rest of Port Charles might be under your thumb, but I'm not.
JASON:

STEVE: Oh, and now you're making short jokes? That's funny, Jason. Really funny. Let me reiterate: You are not the boss of me. I am the boss of me. And of the hospital. Me. Not you.
JASON:

STEVE: Okay, come to the hospital Wednesday at 5. I'll make sure the door is unlocked for you. Are we cool? We're cool, right?

Awesome Bitches and Those Who Need To Be Removed

I admit it, I've been looking forward to the next showdown between Natalie and Marty and today's did not disappoint.  After learning from Rex that Marty has her hands on a copy of the DNA results which confirm that Brody is the father of Natalie's baby, a very impossibly pregnant (seriously, she's the least pregnant pregnant woman alive -- she's all spritely and energetic and skinny) Nat goes and actually busts up Inez's therapy session with Marty to lay down some law.  Meanwhile, Marty has a letter on her desk from the Llanview Hospital Psychiatric Board explaining that she's on probation until further notice, which really begs the question: why is she walking around the hospital with an access card and accepting new patients into her office?  Wouldn't her supervisors, you know, know that she's on probation?  Or is this whole thing just on an honor system handled by private snail mail?

Anyway, Inez is Marty's latest victim/patient, and Marty does some spectacular psychiatrizing by saying things like, "It's okay, don't - don't get upset about it!"  I mean if that doesn't generate a psychiatric breakthrough, I don't know what would!  John's right, she really is the best psychiatrist around!  

Regardless, a very fiery and amped-up Natty just walks right in the room and breaks up this little meeting of the minds.  They exchange the usual barbs, call each other variations on the "bitch" theme, and in the end Natalie hauls off and slaps Marty across the face.

I think that while we all know it's important to put your back into such things, it's terrific that the ladies know that to really make it count you have to put your hair into it*.  I especially loved Marty's look of abject shock (!) that Natalie would do such a thing.  

"How could you?  I mean I know I've already slapped you in this particular go-round of our rivalry and you're, you know, super-pregnant but... I didn't think you'd take it this far!"

Funeral For a Friend

(I realized after I had started this post that I already used "Funeral For a Friend" as the name of a blog post, back when we saw Stuart's funeral, which was a pretty fantastic episode of All My Children. As was Palmer's memorial...and Myrtle's. For whatever reason, the AMC writers take their writing talent out of hiding and bring their A game when it comes time to bid farewell to popular characters. So when I beg and plead for a better written show, am I actually advocating for killing off much-loved residents of Pine Valley?! I suddenly have a very clear image of Brian Frons saying "Excellent" in his best Montgomery Burns voice--which, considering his skill set in most other areas, probably isn't a good imitation at all.)

Most of you have been reading this blog long enough to know two things:

1. I think Alicia Minshew is, to borrow a phrase from the 1920s, the cat's meow. A fantastic actress with a wonderful head of hair.

2. I tear up very easily. Okay, I WEEP very easily.

So I am sure you predicted, correctly, that I enjoyed the performances in today's episode and had to reach for the Kleenex a few times. I mean, please, when they teased Kendall saying "Always, only you" during the commercial break, I started to sniffle, and when Ian kissed Zach's picture and then Spike COVERED it with kisses, I was gone.

Oh No He Didn't

I watched General Hospital today. I know this because I took notes on it (yes, notes. Yes, I am an uber-nerd. Yes, I have a habit of writing things like "ugh" or "???" in the margins when something irks me. Yes, the page winds up covered with "ugh" and "???") and I had a few things I think I wanted to discuss, like: Theo being The Balkan because he totally is (becase the alternative is that, after the boring and pointless debacle that was Shirley, we are going down that same Very Special Episode route again, which...wait, boring, pointless and a retread? Maybe he's not The Balkan after all) and how I can't really get worked up about Abby and Michael's endless therapy scenes because the boy NEEDS therapy and she's a much better, if less licensed, therapist than Lainey could ever dream of being, and Molly being Molly.

But then I was sent a link to Soap Opera Network's GH episode count for November and I got so annoyed that all of my other complaints flew out the window. The following actors appeared in the most episodes. Out of 20. Just to remind you: 20.

1. Dominic Zamprogna (Dante Falconeri) – 20
2. Steve Burton (Jason Morgan) – 19
3. Jason Thompson (Patrick Drake) – 17
* Laura Wright (Carly Jacks) – 17
5. Maurice Benard (Sonny Corinthos) – 16
* Vanessa Marcil Giovinazzo (Brenda Barrett) – 16
* Kimberly McCullough (Robin Scorpio) – 16
8. Brianna Brown (Lisa Niles) – 15
9. Julie Marie Berman (Lulu Spencer) – 14
10. Bradford Anderson (Damien Spinelli) – 13
* Jonathan Jackson (Lucky Spencer) – 13

I've felt for a while like Dante Falconeri was stalking me. Everywhere I turned, there he was. On soap magazine covers, on that damn "Brenda's secret that we haven't decided on yet is going to tear four families apart, forever, and Port Charles will never be the same" commercial that aired during every commercial break on every channel and, of course, on General Hospital where he seemed to be around all the time. And I felt that way because IT'S TRUE. He IS around all the time, being the recipient of piss-poor writing and dressing like a Sweathog. In fact, out of 230 episodes, he's been in 216. !!! Why? Why?! Make it stop! And I don't even dislike Dante! For the most part. Like, when he's not randomly inserted in stories he has no business being a part of and when he hates Sonny. So I mostly like him circa February 2010, I guess.

I am curious, Serial Drama readers: is there ANY character you'd want to see every single day? I feel like even Jack Abbott and Cameron Webber sharing scenes all the time would get--um, okay, that was a bad example because that would be one of the best things ever...