The Plot Thickens, Congeals, and Finally Stagnates
I'm giving you guys the gift of a play-by-play today because... oh, who am I kidding, it's not a gift, it's because at the moment I don't want to torture myself by watching more than once, jotting down observations, and then putting serious thought into what I can't help but assume is going to be some sort of episode about a bunch of Ford/Salingers and maybe a few supporting players.
We open on... oh, a weather report. Flights are delayed at LaGuardia, you guys. It's going to rain. A lot. (And so it did.) So instead, we open mid-way through some sort of menacing situation between Eddie Ford and Dani (in peril!). She looks very disturbed by something he says about someone getting luckier if he plays his cards right. And when I say "disturbed," I mean she looks at him askance. She looked far more disturbed yesterday at whatever was going on in that French film (I'm going to give her a pass on that one if it was, say, Irreversible).
Now Tea is expressing her concern for Starr (or "Estrella," rather, because that's how you know she really cares) having to go to Statesville to see Cole after he got in a fight (because, again, prison staff routinely give courtesy calls to ex-girlfriends when someone's been in a fight), but Todd assumes the fight had no real reason and suggests that James Ford would have a legitimate reason to "be explosive," and Tea is appropriately confused that Todd would express sympathy for another human being. (Okay, really that he would express sympathy for someone who's got the hots for Starr.)
Joey and Kelly are thrilled to see each other, while Aubrey is still basking in afterglow at the hotel.
Nora shows up at Clint's to confront him about her fight with Bo.
Credits. If we go by what happened pre-credits, today could be light on Ford/Salingers! We've only seen Eddie so far.
Joey and Kelly speak briefly about Zane, Kelly's imaginary son/step-grandson and Joey's imaginary great-nephew.
Nora yells at Clint for making her doubt Bo.
Inez and.... crap. Inez is on. Bo asks Inez if the break-up with has anything to do with him, while Clint essentially mocks Nora about her insecurities. He throws out an excellent evil smirk and --
THE FORD BROTHERS. Okay, so I guess there are lots of them on today's episode and I just didn't realize that because of the weather report. Damn you, rain! Damn you!
Oh right. Ford promises James (who he abandoned for years) that Eddie will never hurt him again. James ices his wounds. Maybe Ford can take another beating and the two of them can head out to run a marathon to save homeless puppies.
Starr has brought her mother along to visit her ex-boyfriend because he got in trouble with the principal. I mean the warden. Starr speaks not of visiting her baby-daddy in prison for the first time and the trauma I'd imagine that would be, but instead about James.
Todd explains the Eddie situation to Tea. Seriously? I was joking before! But every scene in this episode has a Ford or is about a Ford. Nate comes home to find Eddie with Dani and is such a hero while Eddie makes some strange comment about Dani having been "all bent over the DVD player," whatever that means.
A cop stops by the Fords to make sure Eddie hasn't come by. The following actually happens:
Uni: He was released, about an hour ago.
James: Wa... (pause) from jail?
I love it. Surely you all saw Chelsea Handler's fun time at OLTL's expense the other day. He really does just spell things out for you, that James! (I painstakingly typed it out for you here. Who loves you?) And then his mouth just hangs open, just a little. As it does. The perfect emphasis.
Todd and Tea talk about... James Ford. And Eddie Ford. And Todd is apparently concerned that Eddie enjoys preying on people who are weaker than him, because Todd knows what he's talking about from years of experience being a predator. Nate dismisses Dani from the apartment and threateningly asks Eddie what he wants with Inez. Eddie looks awesomely amused with how Nate menacingly swatted a bag of nuts out of his hand (if Eddie thinks swatting is funny, wait till he meets Marty!).
Inez tells Bo that the break-up with Clint did have something to do with him, and then calls Clint to tell him she never wants to see him again. I'm sure Clint is devastated that she doesn't think highly of him and that he won't see her anymore. Crushed.
Aubrey is brushing her hair and chatting up a friend on the phone.
Joey and Kelly are having a roundabout conversation about why Kelly went to London. Flashback to her explaining it to Aubrey on the plane. Kelly 'fesses up that she went to London for Joey.
Joey and Kelly chat, and Aubrey receives some goodies from room service with a cute note from Joey. Kelly gets Joey to make her a martini because he still hasn't gotten the point that she's back into him all of a sudden.
Clint tells Nora (again) that Inez is hot for Bo.
Eddie tells Nate that "for a little girl, [Dani's] got quite a pair!" This makes Nate ride in on his white horse and punch Eddie. Apparently he has a pair of his own.
Starr tells her mother that she's trying not to let herself have feelings for James. Out of respect for Cole. Or something.
James wants Eddie dead.
These are really short scenes!
Dani comes home and fills in Todd and Tea about the incident with Eddie, so naturally Todd walks out the door to go take care of business.
Kelly drinks more. And starts choking on martini olives while Joey's on the phone with Aubrey.
Commercials. Including one for Optimum with Eli! I mean Matt Walton.
Joey gives Kelly the Heimlich maneuver and the olive pops out. I guess they were in a few suggestive positions during this Heimlich maneuver. What am I even watching?
Nora tells Bo she trusts him but not Inez. Inez, meanwhile, very calmly walks into the apartment where Nate and Eddie are in something of a fist fight. Inez seriously approached this situation with complete and utter nonchalance. Eddie tells Inez to call off Bo. Ford and James have a discussion about how Eddie's abusive nature got worse and worse as he drank more and more over the years. James used to fantasize about killing his father, and hearing these horror stories make Wonderful Saint Ford feel really, super-bad, in case we weren't sure yet that he's totally repentant.
Inez isn't the least bit intimidated by Eddie, which is really adorable considering she was allegedly so terrified of him that she fled their marital home and abandoned two of her children to have the crap beaten out of them for the duration of their childhoods. (Are we supposed to like this woman even a little bit??)
Todd introduces himself to Eddie.
Ads. Hulk Hogan has an elf wedgie.
Todd starts in on his own father and threatens to put Eddie in a wood-chipper if he doesn't stay away from Danielle.
Dani explains the evening's events to her mother. Dani says she feels like she's still a kid and Nate isn't (she finally noticed!). They have a little mother/daughter chat about how the decision to have sex is an important and scary one and how Dani should be asking herself the right questions. None of the questions listed are the rather nagging: "Do you think you might be screwed up about sex since you learned at 15 that your biological father is a serial rapist who your mother's in love with?"
Nate asks Inez how she can keep Eddie away, and she goes off on a mission with her new steely resolve or whatever it is.
Nora and Bo argue, and Bo insists that it doesn't matter if Inez has a crush on him; he's not going to sleep with her because he's "not the one that cheats!" (Shut it, Bo.)
I feel like I've been held hostage for at least a week at this point. At any rate, Eddie comes back to the Ford abode and they offer him money to leave. He's not interested in leaving.
Llanfair. Kelly is embarrassed about the olive. Or is she? Joey takes another call from Aubrey and they flirt on the phone while Kelly's in the other room rehearsing how she'll confess her love to Joey. She notices the camera he used yesterday to take sexy-time pictures of Aubrey in the bed.
Ads. Apparently there is some sort of holiday coming up and we're being encouraged to make retail purchases.
Joey and Kelly make plans for lunch at the Palace the following day. Kelly misunderstands and assumes he's going to confess residual feelings for her.
Nora is deeply hurt by what Bo said. Duh. Okay, Bo feels really horrible and looks desperately sorry about it. Robert Woods and Hilary Smith just played the shit out of that few-seconds scene. Ouch. Knife in my heart.
Inez tells Clint she'll seduce Bo if it means Clint will get rid of Eddie for good.
Nate calls Dani and assures her he'd kill his father before he ever let him touch her. She'll probably appreciate that because the women on this show prefer murderous, ragey men.
James cries to his brother. It just doesn't work. I mean if the point of it was to make me feel really bad for laughing at him, it worked really well, but I don't like that feeling.
Blair counsels Starr to keep her heart open.
Tea surmises that Todd threatened Eddie's life. So, we're assuming at this point that Eddie will be killed before too long and we'll have a big whodunit storyline in which half the town is a suspect and then it turns out to be... I don't know. Maybe Eli's not really dead?
End of episode. They have mercifully put us out of our brief misery. Wow.