A Non-Event Even Less Eventful Than Usual
You've known me long enough to become familiar with some of my quirks and oddities, like how I sometimes become obsessed with people behind-the-scenes at soap operas and spend a lot of time constructing elaborate backstories for them. I've been thinking a lot lately, for example, about the gravelly-voiced man who does the ABC promos. What is his deal? How does he cope with the fact that it is his job to blatantly lie to the public? "A perfect day becomes a perfect nightmare," he said during the promos for the General Hospital bus crash in a most intriguing manner. "They won't just hope for a miracle...they'll fight for it". That doesn't even make SENSE and yet I found myself thinking that there was a chance this story could approach interesting, which is ridiculous because HELLO. Do you think he feels guilty? I hope he does. Not in a "is driven to drink" way, but more a "gets home from work and sits down with his wife and says 'It was a rough day, Karen'" way.
Because this bus crash--and it is impossible to overstate this--is (was? Is it over? I am guessing Olivia's going to have a vigil and that Allie is probably going to die, because her line "It's just a bump. No big deal" signed her death certificate. The only way to make it clearer that she is going to die would have been to give her a few anti-Jason bits of dialogue) unfathomably dull. UNFATHOMABLY. Most, if not all, of GH's non-sweeps non-event stories are heavily promoted feasts of boredom, but this! NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED. They didn't happen IN SLOW MOTION.
(Seriously, I checked at least five times during today's episode to see how much longer was left. When I was confronted with the fact that we were not, as I thought, heading into the last commercial break but had only reached the midway point, I wept.)
There were a few things that DID get a reaction out of me (man, am I relying on the caps lock today or what? I think this is why I have grown so fond of Carly. She speaks the way I type!), but they are the same things that always get a reaction out of me, like...Sonny being selfish.
Sonny: How are the--how are my kids?
This could be a botched line reading, sure, but I am going to give Maurice Benard the benefit of the doubt here (right?! I hope you were sitting down when you read that) because how perfectly Sonny is that?! He can't even keep the facade up for an entire sentence and decides to cut right to the chase: what does this mean for HIM?
Brenda: Molly's good, and I saw Michael, he's okay...
She is going to have a hard time keeping track of all of her step-children. Just kidding, their wedding will probably never happen. But if it does, her inability to remember the complicated Port Charles family trees will put her in danger of being taken advantage of by a grifter, coming to town pretending to be Sonny's child in order to hit their stepmother up for money.
Dante: Why do you always insist on thinking the best of Sonny?
Brenda: Why do you always insist on thinking the worst of Sonny?
For the love of Jason Fucking Morgan (who, by the way, was not even the first hero to make it to the bus crash--Dante was! Does that mean that Dante now officially out-heroes Jason? Or am I going to hell for even putting that thought out into the universe?), does nobody remember the time Sonny SHOT DANTE IN THE CHEST? I know that Dante's petulance is really more about his father marrying the woman he all of a sudden has loved for a really long time than it is the gaping bullet wound, and that any snark would be wasted on Brenda, who thinks the shooting was no big deal, aside from how much it upset Sonny, but seriously: Shot! In! The! Chest! Dante deserves to be pestered for a lot of things, most notably his hair, but his issues with Sonny should be off-limits. If you can't get annoyed with the guy who SHOT YOU IN THE CHEST every once in a while, who CAN you get annoyed with?
I feel like something else must have happened over the course of that episode, since it was, like, ten hours long, but my mind is a blank. I have vague memories of Cam being predictably adorable and new Morgan showing himself to be a pretty good little actor, but other than that...nothing. Yeah, ABC, it was totally worth it to have the promo for this damn story airing round the clock on every channel known to man, because it was obviously compelling stuff.