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« Worst. Grifters. Ever. (or Worst. Hospital. Ever.) | Main | The Recap to End All Recaps »

January 17, 2011

Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun. Seriously--Not Fun To Watch At All

Everybody in Port Charles is keeping a secret and trying (and usually failing) to keep the fact that they are hiding something off of their faces by adopting an all too innocent and not at all suspicious facial expression: Carly is keeping the bombshell secret (that was drenched in sarcasm) about the Brenda and Dante baby, Siobhan is hiding the fact that she's being forced to help The Balkan with his nefarious plot, Brenda isn't telling anyone what happened with Alexander except for the time that she folded almost immediately and confessed it all to Theo, Theo is hiding the fact that he is actually an international criminal mastermind, Johnny is keeping the syringe secret for Lisa, Lisa is pretending that she's not a freaking lunatic...

If these secrets were written with any sort of, well, sense and if the writers had any idea how to pace something, General Hospital could be a pretty entertaining hour of television. That is just, um, not the case.


Carly's natural state is rampaging, and today her target was Sonny and Brenda's ill-fated wedding. Like she so often does, she attempted to pass off her vindictiveness as her way of being protective of Sonny and sparing him from the heartache that will so clearly come when his marriage implodes (as if it's actually going to HAPPEN, which is a complaint for another time but seriously, there will be no exchanging of vows, likely because one or both of them will be kidnapped and/or shot) instead of just, you know...that this is the kind of thing she does when she's bored. 

Carly: It hurts me to watch you build yourself up for something that won't last. And you and Brenda can't last.

Carly: This whole wedding shouldn't be happening! This is going to bring you nothing but pain, Sonny. Brenda is lying to you, playing games with you--
Sonny: I am going to marry Brenda. You don't have to like her. Could you at least show her some respect?

Sonny: You causing trouble just makes you look petty and vindictive.
Carly: I see.
Sonny: I just want permission for Morgan to be in the wedding.
Carly: What if Brenda were hiding something?
Sonny: What if Brenda were hiding something? We're all hiding something. If Brenda and I make a mistake, it's our mistake it's got nothing to do with you.

"Like hell it does, Sonny. LIKE HELL IT DOES. It has everything to do with me and the fucking NAUSEA I feel every time I think of how Brenda and Dante HAD SEX and HAD A BABY. Yeah. Exactly. SEX and A BABY. You're getting married to your son's baby mama and if you don't see how, first and foremost, this is about ME, well...I don't even know what to say".


Siobhan, entangled in The Balkan's quest for revenge for some bizarre and inexplicable reason--like, how exactly is she useful to him? What does he want with Lucky?--tried to end things with Lucky to keep him safe by hitting him with every breakup cliche known to man:

"We're going in different directions", "You want to settle in", "I want to quit before any real damage is done", "We were never meant to last very long, a clean break would make it less painful", "I know you're still hurting", "You're rebounding", "I didn't sign up for a cop who has two kids to raise who is still hung up on his ex-wife", "Maybe it's Ronan I want"

It was kind of incredibly ridiculous, but at least Lucky recognized it as such. I mean, he doesn't know WHY she's all of a sudden attempting to break up with him in a panicky voice with wide, nervous eyes, but he knows that something is up. Which is progress! They haven't written him quite as...challenged as they have in the past (Greg Vaughan's Lucky could never have had a relationship with Siobhan because he wouldn't have realized she wasn't speaking a foreign language. Also, because he wouldn't have been allowed a front-burner story), but he can still be pretty dim, so it was a step in the right direction that he saw the big warning signs.  

The Balkan is keeping Siobhan under his thumb, by the way, by holding her sister Megan captive. Riveting, no?

Siobhan: My sister never did anything to you. She doesn't even know you. She has nothing to do with anything. Let her go!
Balki: That's up to you.
Siobhan: What do you want?
Balki: Help me make sure this wedding never happens.

THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS? Why the hell is he keeping Siobhan around to help with this? All he needs to do is give Carly a jingle, casually mention that he wants Brenda dead and she'd take it from there.


Balki assumed the role (and grandiose accent) of Theo to interrogate Brenda about the death of his son Alexander. And even though Alexander's murder was supposedly the most closely guarded secret to ever hit Port Charles, all Balki needed to do was drop his name and Brenda immediately described, in great detail, how she killed Alexander and Dante covered it up. He...did not react well. He practically hyperventilated with loathing and an unquenchable thirst for blood, but Brenda didn't notice. Neither did Jason and Dante, when they barged in and saw Theo staring at Brenda like was imagining dining on his organs.


Here, I thought that his ability to juggle multiple identities requires real skill on his part, but I think it comes down to luck and a knack for interacting with REALLY stupid people, in particular.


Johnny is having a grand old time torturing Lisa, isn't he? It's nice that someone on this show is having fun. I just wish it were the audience, is all.

He went to the hospital to let Lisa know that Patrick is onto her and took a sadistic delight in pouring on the charm. Terrell got nervous and territorial about the handsome mobster flirting with Lisa, and interrupted.

Terrell: She's a good surgeon.
Johnny: Among other things, right?

Lisa: That's not what it looked like.
Terrell: First of all, you lured me here with the promise that we could pick up where we left off. Then it turns out that you want me to seduce Robin Scorpio while you put the full-court press on her husband. And now you are dating a bonafide, card-carrying member of the mob? You are a very busy woman, Lisa, but you're never boring. I will give you that.

Okay, Terrell, for starters, I think a substantial amount of the GH audience would disagree with that assessment. Secondly...please explain to me, in small words, why you are continuing to go along with this plot of Lisa's! I mean, you obviously have her number, but nowhere in that conversation was a "Peace the fuck out, psycho"! I know that you, for some reason, find Lisa irresistible (...) (Really, I tried to come up with a snappy zinger about how baffling THAT is, because I never knew that greasy-haired--seriously, Brianna Brown, you should SUE--and personality-free was such an enticing combination, but there is no such zinger. Only a bewildered ellipsis.) but let's work through this: she is obsessed with one man. She is possibly dating a totally different man. And you're still thinking, "it was a totally stellar idea to move to this hotbed of mob violence in order to ruin a few lives for a chance at having sex with Lisa Niles again!". I...would suggest therapy, but that would mean an appointment with Lainey and you'd probably come out even more pathetic and warped, so maybe you should swing by Kelly's and chat with Abby instead, since she's totally just as good as a proper psychiatrist.


May I please have your permission to start using "Peace the fuck out, psycho" in everyday conversation? Cause that's even better than "rutting like farm animals."

Oh, and is it just me, or has Becca dropped off the face of the earth/blog lately?

It must be so exhausting to be in a relationship with Lucky Spencer.

this show is beyond FUCKED up its not even funny. They DESTROYED Brenda and turned her into a total selfish not so smart annoying person (which I personally find really sad and gives me more reason to want guza dead), and also Terrell has got to be the DUMBEST and saddest guys EVER. I mean seriously why doesn't he say "Peace the fuck out, psycho" to this crazy ass bitch?? and really WHAT THE FUCK IS HER APPEAL?? She's not that cute (no offense to Brianna), her hair is a hot mess all the time, she's um CRAZY, and she already told him she doesn't want him. She seriously NEEDS TO DIE. and I still don't understand how the hell she became the center of what was supposed to be a scrubs story and how the hell did scrubs once again, become like the third party in their own story. and don't even get me started on Johnnny. I HATE GUZA AND HIS ASS NEEDS TO GET FIRED. seriously though, this show sucks big time!

Only a bewildered ellipsis & Peace the fuck out Psycho & the whole GV as Lucky could never have been w/ Ms Lucky Charms because he never would have known she was speaking English ALL in one post? THAT is why I love you! Guza hasn't been clever that many times in a year, at least. And you make one post hilarious and entertaining.

As for Dr. Crazy. I can only assume thanks to Guza's sad warped idea of womanhood she, like Carly, has a magical (use the vagina euphemism you find funniest here) that turns all men she gets into her bed into drooling weak morons who give up their intelligence, their (pick your
favorite testicle euphemism), their homes, careers and families just for the chance to double dip their candy stick back in her fun dip.

It's creepy and pathetic all the men Carly has ruined over the years. And really, she hasn't been good for any women either. Now we have Lisa, at least Ethan knows she is vile. Who knew he would be the brightest bulb in the Chuckles?!?!? That was a nice surprise. Plus Patrick finally seems to be catching on, but in the big picture it seems like too little too late, plus he handled it all wrong and surely Guza will make this all Robin's "insecure" fault soon. Did anyone else feel ragey when new MD insulted Robin's looks to Lisa? WTF? Guza always finds ways to crap on Robin, is it that she is a beloved legacy character or that the actress doesn't look like Steve Burton or something? Weird and icky right?

I seem to be ranting again. Been too long since I shook off some of my GH disgust I guess. I sat through some Brooke stuff recently and the anger multiplied exponentially at the gross and dumb levels this show keeps sinking too.

Thanks Mallory for making GH fun despite it's awfulness.

*getting my hair done tomorrow, thinking about bringing in a screen cap of Lisa to get a professional opinion on how that is even remotely possible*

"Did anyone else feel ragey when new MD insulted Robin's looks to Lisa? WTF?"

Sarah - when I heard new doc say that Robin doesn't compare to Lisa, I thought to myself, "Yeah, that's because Robin actually looks like she washes her hair and doesn't cake on makeup to hide her breakouts."

And I seriously don't know what the hair and makeup department is doing to Brianna Brown, but they need to stop asap because it's just bad.

Proof that it must be the GH Hair and makeup department that is making Brianna Brown look so bad.


The article linked above has an interview with her that includes this very statement:

Interviewer: Any beauty tips?

BB: Always pay attention to whom you are getting advice from. If they have caked on makeup, bad skin, bad hair, etc… ask someone else.

Article was from March 2010.

My dad (yes, my 80-year-old dad watches GH every day but usually it's on in the background as he goes off and does something else due to boredom with the show) said he saw Brianna Brown on another TV show and she had the same bumps on her skin as she does on GH, so I don't think they are all break-outs that are being covered up, it just looks like it. However that doesn't explain the greasy hair and shiny skin and really bad eye make-up. Remember Rebecca's racoon eyes? Guess it's GH's version of bad girl make-up. They are really doing a number on that poor actress.

Also, I watched Brenda's long mumbly monologue on Friday 3 excruciating times after Theo said she mentioned the name Aleksander, and she never actually said the name. Either VMG forgot her lines, or the writers think we wouldn't notice, or Theo is playing mind games with her. I have to hope it's #3, if so then Brenda fell for it and crumbled like a house of cards. I think Theo might want to dial it back a little bit, he's playing his hand way too blatlantly!

Janet, for once, it's actual mind games. And Brenda is so crazy (which I actually adore) that she fell right for it.

I know people think Brenda's ruined but I think she's being played awesomely by VMGetc. I love that everyone knows that Brenda is psychotic narcissistic and that she plays it as psychotic and narcissistic.

For me, it's the most steady thing GH has done in a while.

(That and and made Michael kind of awesome.)

I think the writers are kept in a dark room, locked away from the actual actors/actresses on the show. I can't believe they still write the character of Lisa likes she God's gift to men, and they all are in love with her for her awesome, awesomeness. I was ENRAGED with Terrell's comment about Robin being cute and all, but nothing to Lisa. WTF? All I can say is the writers have never seen the actresses. KMc is gorgeous...an absolute natural beauty. Is Lisa suppossedly beautiful because of her large, doe eyes (heavily caked with makeup she doesn't need; seriously, her eyes are her best feature) and blonde (incredibally greasy and strangely styled...can we find a hat for her to wear?) hair? I think not. I'm about to take up a collection with the purpose of paying for eye exams for all of the writers; they obviously need them.

love your blog. hate GH....

I really don't get the whole Balkan storyline -don't care-- it is the same storyline for the past several years

New mob guy comes to town threatens Jason/Sonny, they attack, lots of people (namely quartermaines and other innocent residents of PC) die, then rinse lather and repeat.... BORING

What a waste of Brenda --

Now I heard Rebecca Herbst (Liz) was fired--UGH. Hopefully she will head over to BB with Ric Herst.

The entire make-up dept seems a bit schizo. Sam looked like she had a bad Bump-it on today.
And I too heard Rebecca Herbst was fired. I suppose to make room for Frons' fantasy girl.

Brenda has started stuttering as badly as Sonny, so soon their scenes will take up half the show.

There are so few enjoyable moments on this show. I think the only reason I keep watching is so I know what you're all making fun of.

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