Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun. Seriously--Not Fun To Watch At All
Everybody in Port Charles is keeping a secret and trying (and usually failing) to keep the fact that they are hiding something off of their faces by adopting an all too innocent and not at all suspicious facial expression: Carly is keeping the bombshell secret (that was drenched in sarcasm) about the Brenda and Dante baby, Siobhan is hiding the fact that she's being forced to help The Balkan with his nefarious plot, Brenda isn't telling anyone what happened with Alexander except for the time that she folded almost immediately and confessed it all to Theo, Theo is hiding the fact that he is actually an international criminal mastermind, Johnny is keeping the syringe secret for Lisa, Lisa is pretending that she's not a freaking lunatic...
If these secrets were written with any sort of, well, sense and if the writers had any idea how to pace something, General Hospital could be a pretty entertaining hour of television. That is just, um, not the case.
Carly's natural state is rampaging, and today her target was Sonny and Brenda's ill-fated wedding. Like she so often does, she attempted to pass off her vindictiveness as her way of being protective of Sonny and sparing him from the heartache that will so clearly come when his marriage implodes (as if it's actually going to HAPPEN, which is a complaint for another time but seriously, there will be no exchanging of vows, likely because one or both of them will be kidnapped and/or shot) instead of just, you know...that this is the kind of thing she does when she's bored.
Carly: This whole wedding shouldn't be happening! This is going to bring you nothing but pain, Sonny. Brenda is lying to you, playing games with you--
Sonny: I am going to marry Brenda. You don't have to like her. Could you at least show her some respect?
Sonny: You causing trouble just makes you look petty and vindictive.
Carly: I see.
Sonny: I just want permission for Morgan to be in the wedding.
Carly: What if Brenda were hiding something?
Sonny: What if Brenda were hiding something? We're all hiding something. If Brenda and I make a mistake, it's our mistake it's got nothing to do with you.
"Like hell it does, Sonny. LIKE HELL IT DOES. It has everything to do with me and the fucking NAUSEA I feel every time I think of how Brenda and Dante HAD SEX and HAD A BABY. Yeah. Exactly. SEX and A BABY. You're getting married to your son's baby mama and if you don't see how, first and foremost, this is about ME, well...I don't even know what to say".
Siobhan, entangled in The Balkan's quest for revenge for some bizarre and inexplicable reason--like, how exactly is she useful to him? What does he want with Lucky?--tried to end things with Lucky to keep him safe by hitting him with every breakup cliche known to man:
"We're going in different directions", "You want to settle in", "I want to quit before any real damage is done", "We were never meant to last very long, a clean break would make it less painful", "I know you're still hurting", "You're rebounding", "I didn't sign up for a cop who has two kids to raise who is still hung up on his ex-wife", "Maybe it's Ronan I want"
It was kind of incredibly ridiculous, but at least Lucky recognized it as such. I mean, he doesn't know WHY she's all of a sudden attempting to break up with him in a panicky voice with wide, nervous eyes, but he knows that something is up. Which is progress! They haven't written him quite as...challenged as they have in the past (Greg Vaughan's Lucky could never have had a relationship with Siobhan because he wouldn't have realized she wasn't speaking a foreign language. Also, because he wouldn't have been allowed a front-burner story), but he can still be pretty dim, so it was a step in the right direction that he saw the big warning signs.
The Balkan is keeping Siobhan under his thumb, by the way, by holding her sister Megan captive. Riveting, no?
Siobhan: My sister never did anything to you. She doesn't even know you. She has nothing to do with anything. Let her go!
Balki: That's up to you.
Siobhan: What do you want?
Balki: Help me make sure this wedding never happens.
THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS? Why the hell is he keeping Siobhan around to help with this? All he needs to do is give Carly a jingle, casually mention that he wants Brenda dead and she'd take it from there.
Balki assumed the role (and grandiose accent) of Theo to interrogate Brenda about the death of his son Alexander. And even though Alexander's murder was supposedly the most closely guarded secret to ever hit Port Charles, all Balki needed to do was drop his name and Brenda immediately described, in great detail, how she killed Alexander and Dante covered it up. He...did not react well. He practically hyperventilated with loathing and an unquenchable thirst for blood, but Brenda didn't notice. Neither did Jason and Dante, when they barged in and saw Theo staring at Brenda like was imagining dining on his organs.
Johnny is having a grand old time torturing Lisa, isn't he? It's nice that someone on this show is having fun. I just wish it were the audience, is all.
He went to the hospital to let Lisa know that Patrick is onto her and took a sadistic delight in pouring on the charm. Terrell got nervous and territorial about the handsome mobster flirting with Lisa, and interrupted.
Terrell: She's a good surgeon.
Johnny: Among other things, right?
Lisa: That's not what it looked like.
Terrell: First of all, you lured me here with the promise that we could pick up where we left off. Then it turns out that you want me to seduce Robin Scorpio while you put the full-court press on her husband. And now you are dating a bonafide, card-carrying member of the mob? You are a very busy woman, Lisa, but you're never boring. I will give you that.
Okay, Terrell, for starters, I think a substantial amount of the GH audience would disagree with that assessment. Secondly...please explain to me, in small words, why you are continuing to go along with this plot of Lisa's! I mean, you obviously have her number, but nowhere in that conversation was a "Peace the fuck out, psycho"! I know that you, for some reason, find Lisa irresistible (...) (Really, I tried to come up with a snappy zinger about how baffling THAT is, because I never knew that greasy-haired--seriously, Brianna Brown, you should SUE--and personality-free was such an enticing combination, but there is no such zinger. Only a bewildered ellipsis.) but let's work through this: she is obsessed with one man. She is possibly dating a totally different man. And you're still thinking, "it was a totally stellar idea to move to this hotbed of mob violence in order to ruin a few lives for a chance at having sex with Lisa Niles again!". I...would suggest therapy, but that would mean an appointment with Lainey and you'd probably come out even more pathetic and warped, so maybe you should swing by Kelly's and chat with Abby instead, since she's totally just as good as a proper psychiatrist.