The Wrath of Carly
It often takes quite a while to find a silver lining in any given General Hospital episode, but Friday's silver lining was as obvious as can be.
For starters, it was obvious because it was the only thing even approaching entertaining. Like, Olivia is already making boring chitchat with people?
Then there is Lisa and her latest plot to split Robin and Patrick up for good. There was a time when Lisa's crazy was so enjoyable to watch: it was entertaining and she was kind of good at it (well, either she was good at it or the rest of Port Charles was just really bad at seeing obvious things). But everything after her suicide threat has been lazy and remarkably absent of logic. Her latest? "If you seduce Robin, then I'll get Patrick, which has been my goal since last year, but since you're still hung up on me, I'll probably wind up throwing Patrick aside and hooking up with you. And I'm totally not just saying that, I promise".
So, yeah, the silver lining sticks out like a sore thumb. A tall, blonde, incredibly loud, sore thumb.
Is Carly a complete and utter hypocrite? Yes. Is forbidding Michael from seeing Abby only going to make him want to be with Abby even more? Of course. Is it entirely in character for Carly to not recognize either of those things and go on a self-righteous, possessive tear through Port Charles, ready to fight anyone and everyone who doesn't immediately capitulate and agree that she, and only she, knows best? Yes. So, so yes.
We got to see Laura Wright's wide array of snarls and death glares. First, she confronted Sonny, aghast that his first reaction upon hearing Abby's connection to Michael wasn't to make a Showgirls joke and have her forcibly removed from town, because she sees THIS (the old stripper dating) as the biggest parenting mistake she and Sonny could have made. Not the fact that Michael has killed someone, shot an entirely different someone, went to prison and spent his youth in a sociopathic haze. No: old stripper dating. Then she went to give Sam a piece of her mind for hooking Sam up with a stripper. Sam, reasonably, tried to spin it like Michael asked her for help in this area when we all remember that Sam just butted in and hired the boy a woman of the night, because can you imagine admitting that to Carly? Anyway, Sam tried to defend herself and Carly made it personal, basically saying that she and Abby are two birds of a feather (paraphrased: "IRREGARDLESS, Sam, understand this: you're a skank. And you have skank friends. And if you introduce one more of them to my son, I will cut you").
Then she beckoned her newest archrival (I guess her obsessive vendetta against Brenda has been backburnerd for now) to Kelly's for a friendly chat.
ABBY: Mrs. Jacks, you--
CARLY: Don't talk. What, did you think I wouldn't find out you're a stripper?
CARLY: Don't. Talk.
CARLY: Here's what's going to happen, okay? I am going to give you a check--you don't even need to show me your ta-tas. Easiest money you'll ever make. All you need to do is get your skank ass out of town and leave Michael alone forever.
CARLY: I'm sorry, didn't I ask you not to talk?
ABBY: Look, I understand how you're feeling, because psychoanalysis is a hobby of mine. You hear that calm, measured way I speak?
CARLY: You mean how you sound like an old stripper on Valium?
ABBY: That's my therapist voice. And I get it. You're a mom, you're worried about your son. But you need to back off, okay?
ABBY: I don't want to fight with you--
CARLY: Good, because you'll lose.
ABBY: I would never try to take advantage of Michael.
CARLY: Oh, I'm so sure the thought never crossed your mind. I'm SURE that you just really LIKE hanging out with high school kids. Talking about who texted who during homeroom and who got what on the Regents. Right. Look, sweetheart. I've been there before, okay? I was never a stripper because, um, gross, but the general seediness? The using people for money? I invented that. And I can sniff out one of my own. And you, dear, smell like bitch and desperation under designer imposter perfume.
ABBY: What does that even--?
CARLY: WHAT IT MEANS is that I know you, Abby. You want a nice life, rich husband, money to burn. And you'll do whatever it takes to get you there. You'll assume a name, you'll seduce your mother's husband, you'll fake paternity tests...
ABBY: What are you even...?
CARLY: There's nothing wrong with being ambitious, you know? Big ups for that.
ABBY: You can't really pull off saying that--
CARLY: OH MY GOD, stop talking! The point I am trying to make is that you can bend over backwards--literally--to get what you want from some schmuck who doesn't know better, but it won't be Michael. You don't get to use MY KID. No way, no how. I will fight you on this. And you will lose.
CARLY: You don't think I can ruin your life? Ask AJ Quartermaine about me. Or Tony Jones. OH WAIT, you can't. They're DEAD. Coincidence? I DON'T THINK SO.