Whatever Happened To Predictability?
Referencing the Full House theme song is definitely showing my age (and telling you the following factoid is definitely showing that I have moments of serious dimness: when I was little, I misheard the rest of that line as "The milkman, the paper boy, even TV". It baffled me! "Nothing happened to TV! You're singing this song ON TV!"), but I am just excited to finally have an answer to the question posed alongside genial family montages of the Tanners doing stuff: predictability is alive and well, and residing in Port Charles.
Seriously, Allie's death? Her last name might as well have been Quartermaine. That is how clearly the writers were itching to kill her off.
Allie: My head has been hurting ever since the accident. It's so weird. [Collapses on Kristina's bed]
The actress gave that collapse her all! She has a future in wordless, overly dramatic gestures and movements! And, um, less of a future in talkies.
The surgery during the end of the episode montage (set to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah"! This half-assed excuse for a story has come full circle) confused me. Because I knew that Olivia already had her surgery and Dante was sitting talking to her, but I couldn't figure out they were operating on. And then it hit me. "Oh! Her!" Patrick probably should have saved the energy and not even bothered.
Her death did lead to some inadvertent hilarity, and I don't just mean the collapse. Kristina confessed to Sonny that she felt guilty for what happened to Allie.
Kristina: Nobody even knew how bad she was, because they were focused on me.
Sonny: Sweetheart...(pause for a beat while he thinks, "And that's wrong because...? Oh, I know, it's wrong because they should have been focused on ME!") it was an accident, okay?
He also--again, predictably--missed the point of 2010 entirely. It sailed right over his head (not like that's hard). If we learned anything from that godforsaken year in Port Charles, we learned that Sonny is a menace to society in general and to his kids in particular: Dante? SHOT IN THE CHEST. Kristina? Nearly blown up. Michael? Went to prison for a murder directly related to his father's criminal lifestyle and a criminally stupid coverup. But Sonny is more concerned with Stranger Danger.
Sonny: I'm not going to ask you where you met Michael, because I respect his privacy. But do you have any idea what he's been through?
Abby: I know that he went to prison, and I know why.
Sonny: So then you know that he's on parole and he has to be careful about who he sees, where he goes...[...] I'm sure you're a good person, but I don't want my son hanging around strip joints, getting into trouble, fights...
MISSING THE POINT! Here is the Cliff's Notes version: the point is that you are TERRIBLE.
Abby and Michael's reunion was ALSO predictable. Because it was shown, explicitly, in the bus crash promos. But the promos were missing Carly's death glare! The death glare that clearly said, "You're fucking good as dead, oldster".
ALSO ALSO predictable: General Hospital's astounding inability to grasp the way that hospitals actually work. I laughed uproariously at a man who is simply interviewing for a job at the hospital jumping in to treat patients. The laughter then turned into bitter, bitter tears. It's like the writers think about what would make sense and then think, "No, no. What we should do is the exact opposite of that".
The most predictable of all? Cameron and Jake being so cute that theirs scenes had me squealing with delight. It was like I was seeing The Beatles at Shea Stadium!
Cameron was reunited with his parents, admitted to the hospital and tugged at my heartstrings all episode.
Cam: Can't I go home?
Lucky: Well...how about I sleep next to you in that chair over there? How does that sound?
Lucky: I think our son's a hero and if he wants a visit from his little brother, he shall have one.
I agree wholeheartedly with the assessment that Cam is a hero, and I hope he gets a plaque for his troubles. Or maybe a key to the city!
Jake, meanwhile, was brought in to visit his older brother and ran into Jason and Sam. I don't think Jason even noticed how blatantly Jake was sizing him up--and it was blatant. Very "What's your game, man?"
Jason: I actually have one, too.
Jason: It's in the garage.
Jake is obviously evidence for Nurture in the Nature vs. Nurture argument, because he's much more expressive than his biological father.
While we are on the subject of Jason, I am concerned! Dante was the first person to arrive at the bus crash, and yesterday, Steven said
"Michael's the one that found her. He's the true hero tonight".
And he wasn't immediately damned with hellfire and damnation for creating a hero hierarchy that doesn't feature Jason at the top! What does all of this mean?! If Jason is a perfect specimen of perfection and heroism, but two heroes are even better heroes than he is, where does that leave our holy hitman?! Is this what an existential crisis feels like?!