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« Note to Bo: When You Forget Everything After the First Beer... | Main | Going Out With A, Um, Bang »

January 06, 2011

Whatever Happened To Predictability?

Referencing the Full House theme song is definitely showing my age (and telling you the following factoid is definitely showing that I have moments of serious dimness: when I was little, I misheard the rest of that line as "The milkman, the paper boy, even TV". It baffled me! "Nothing happened to TV! You're singing this song ON TV!"), but I am just excited to finally have an answer to the question posed alongside genial family montages of the Tanners doing stuff: predictability is alive and well, and residing in Port Charles.

Seriously, Allie's death? Her last name might as well have been Quartermaine. That is how clearly the writers were itching to kill her off.  


Allie: My head has been hurting ever since the accident. It's so weird. [Collapses on Kristina's bed]

The actress gave that collapse her all! She has a future in wordless, overly dramatic gestures and movements! And, um, less of a future in talkies.

The surgery during the end of the episode montage (set to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah"! This half-assed excuse for a story has come full circle) confused me. Because I knew that Olivia already had her surgery and Dante was sitting talking to her, but I couldn't figure out they were operating on. And then it hit me. "Oh! Her!" Patrick probably should have saved the energy and not even bothered. 

Her death did lead to some inadvertent hilarity, and I don't just mean the collapse. Kristina confessed to Sonny that she felt guilty for what happened to Allie.

Kristina: Nobody even knew how bad she was, because they were focused on me.
Sonny: Sweetheart...(pause for a beat while he thinks, "And that's wrong because...? Oh, I know, it's wrong because they should have been focused on ME!") it was an accident, okay?


Speaking of predictability, Sonny's chat with Abby was predictably awkward. When it starts with the sentence, "I couldn't help noticing the fishnets and shoes. I used to own a strip joint", it's the kind of thing you watch through half-closed eyes. Half-closed from embarrassment.

He also--again, predictably--missed the point of 2010 entirely. It sailed right over his head (not like that's hard). If we learned anything from that godforsaken year in Port Charles, we learned that Sonny is a menace to society in general and to his kids in particular: Dante? SHOT IN THE CHEST. Kristina? Nearly blown up. Michael? Went to prison for a murder directly related to his father's criminal lifestyle and a criminally stupid coverup. But Sonny is more concerned with Stranger Danger.

Sonny: I'm not going to ask you where you met Michael, because I respect his privacy. But do you have any idea what he's been through?
Abby: I know that he went to prison, and I know why.
Sonny: So then you know that he's on parole and he has to be careful about who he sees, where he goes...[...] I'm sure you're a good person, but I don't want my son hanging around strip joints, getting into trouble, fights...

MISSING THE POINT! Here is the Cliff's Notes version: the point is that you are TERRIBLE.


Abby and Michael's reunion was ALSO predictable. Because it was shown, explicitly, in the bus crash promos. But the promos were missing Carly's death glare! The death glare that clearly said, "You're fucking good as dead, oldster". 

Guess who's excited to tune in tomorrow!


ALSO ALSO predictable: General Hospital's astounding inability to grasp the way that hospitals actually work. I laughed uproariously at a man who is simply interviewing for a job at the hospital jumping in to treat patients. The laughter then turned into bitter, bitter tears. It's like the writers think about what would make sense and then think, "No, no. What we should do is the exact opposite of that".


The most predictable of all? Cameron and Jake being so cute that theirs scenes had me squealing with delight. It was like I was seeing The Beatles at Shea Stadium!

Eeeeeeee!!!! And that's not just something I type: it is a sound that I actually made!

Cameron was reunited with his parents, admitted to the hospital and tugged at my heartstrings all episode.

Lucky: You must have been freezing out there.
Cam: I had a big jacket on.

Cam: Can't I go home?
Lucky: Well...how about I sleep next to you in that chair over there? How does that sound?
Cam: Good!

Lucky: I think our son's a hero and if he wants a visit from his little brother, he shall have one.

I agree wholeheartedly with the assessment that Cam is a hero, and I hope he gets a plaque for his troubles. Or maybe a key to the city!

Jake, meanwhile, was brought in to visit his older brother and ran into Jason and Sam. I don't think Jason even noticed how blatantly Jake was sizing him up--and it was blatant. Very "What's your game, man?"

--because he was completely overwhelmed by seeing his son. I don't often compliment Steve Burton's acting, but I have to give him his props here: he hit every single note of wistfulness and wonder.

Their scenes playing with motorcycles were too cute for words.

Jason: I actually have one, too.
Jake: Where?
Jason: It's in the garage.
Jake: Why?

Jake is obviously evidence for Nurture in the Nature vs. Nurture argument, because he's much more expressive than his biological father.

While we are on the subject of Jason, I am concerned! Dante was the first person to arrive at the bus crash, and yesterday, Steven said

"Michael's the one that found her. He's the true hero tonight".

And he wasn't immediately damned with hellfire and damnation for creating a hero hierarchy that doesn't feature Jason at the top! What does all of this mean?! If Jason is a perfect specimen of perfection and heroism, but two heroes are even better heroes than he is, where does that leave our holy hitman?! Is this what an existential crisis feels like?!


How crazy is it that Jake looked so much like Jason? I was shocked! Those boys are the reason I watch this show!

The one thing is ridiculous storyline has proven to me is that I really do like Chad's Michael. I knew he was growing on me, but I now really see that he is awesome. Too bad I have to compliment TPTB on that move. I'd rather vomit all over them for all the other dumbass moves they've made.

You know, Steve Burton can act. He's a really good actor in fact - when he wants to be. But being on this show so many years and really not having to work to be the co-leading man on the show (Guza seems to go out of his way to make sure NO ONE threatens Steve's or Maurice's position on the show - the fact that he is letting Dominic get this close is a more than a little interesting), plus the particular's of Jason's brain damage, have made it easy for Steve to coast through his role. And he does. But when he applies even the smallest of efforts, it's really clear he has the skills.

Maurice ... ehhh - I know he used to have the skills, but he's gotten way too comfortable as well. He uses Sonny as an excuse to show up (what appears to be) unprepared and scattered, and his acting skills seems to have devolved into stuttering, screaming and the occasional misty eyed appearance (oh, and the smarmy smiles, never forget the smarmy smiles). Perhaps I'm too blinded by my dislike for the character of Sonny, but I simply don't get excited over Maurice's acting anymore (and I don't like Jason much either but Steve can still make me think "wow").

On the same note, Jonathan's acting has become so effortlessly good, it's really nice to watch. I think he is clearly THE best actor on the show who, no matter what he is playing, seems to bring it in every scene and is always 'present'. He is one of those actors who SHOULD be lead, but (in my opinion) is kept from lead because of Guza's fixation on Steve and Maurice, and his efforts to make sure no one dethrones them (I mean, seriously, how many younger actors have come on the show that have had the potential - if developed right - to be strong lead actors for the next generation, but who have instead, been shoved to the background or written off in some inexplicable wasted way).

Oh Mallory, don't you know that referencing the Full House theme song is actually showing your youth? "Talkies," on the other hand... I love it.

Love the Jake/Cam screencaps. The fact that the episode focused on them so much really outshadowed all the awful stuff and made it my favorite in a while.

First time I've watched the show in months, and that was entirely due to Jake and Cam. They make my ovaries ache, and I'm the least maternal creature on the planet.

Not that I've watched Full House reruns more often than I care to admit to or anything...but I do believe the baffling lyric is actually "Even MTV"....or at least that was what I always heard. Or would have heard if I actually watched the show......ok moving on then.

And maybe I really do have a heart of stone because the Jason/Jake stuff did nothing for me. I was mainly baffled about why THE DANGER OMG THE DANGER was suddenly gone now and why the five people in town Jason HADN'T already told the truth wouldn't be at all confused about Jason watching a kid he's not talked about/seen in two years. I am also clearly in the minority in that I don't think the kid resembles Jason THAT much other than a similar haircut. But the cheese stands alone there I'm thinking.

And it's a good thing Cam was so cute cause that entire speech about Luke actually being a good dad who "comes back" was enough to make me bash my head in the wall.

"ALSO ALSO predictable: General Hospital's astounding inability to grasp the way that hospitals actually work."

Or how about the fact that they spent several whole episodes prepping and getting all hands on deck for this huge bus crash emergency, and then one one of the whopping four people idenfied as injured in the crash (Olivia, Matt, Kristina and Morgan) arrives, he gets told... he has to wait?

Because he needs a paediatric surgeon?

How about an osteopath? Or a regular old emergency doctor? At the very least, someone could have been doing a preliminary exam, getting him on painkillers, etc. until the correct type of specialist was available (if he actually needed one).

Not that specializing seems to mean anything at GH -- didn't neurosurgeon Patrick Drake operate on Dante's chestwound...?

It struck me yesterday that watching GH with all the younger actors with occasional walk-ins from the adults would be SO AWESOME.

The kids are really good. I felt so bad for Kristina because her words were hilarious but so AGE appropriate 'Allie's BRAIN was bleeding...' (paraphrase)

We're not even going to talk about Sonny's 'stay away from Michael' speech because he sucks. :)

OH! You didn't mention the BEST moment ever! Alexis and her girls doing the double-finger-kiss-whoo! thing!

I always thought it was "evening TV"...have I had it wrong all this time??

I agree - excellent episode! My one issue was Sonny assuming that Abby was a stripper based on shoes & pantyhose. Patterned & fishnet pantyhose are both fashionable & cute! Now, I've never stepped on the stripper stage, I work in an office, but I have worn both to work as well as.....wait for it......high heels! Gasp! I'll sew the "A" to all of my "frocks" tonight! I'm now really afraid that Sonny Corinthos will be waiting for me in the parking lot tonight ready to drag me away to perform at the local strip club since I'm already so appropriately dressed today in a skirt & high boots! LOL. Such predicatable stereotypes. It would have been much better to have him admit that Carly mentioned Michael's new "friend".
Aside from that, great acting from everyone today. Jake is just the cutest little thing - you could totally tell the "why" was ad libbed and Steve Burton went right along with it. Can't wait for todays episode to see Carly go batshit crazy about Abby & Michael.....love it.

This story had all the suspense of a wet napkin. Seriously how did all those people get thrown out of the bus? Did the top come off, they all fell out of the front door? And why would GH have decided that just before Xmas, there should be a ski trip? Or did we miss Xmas all together on this show? Now Abby dying has given Kristina even more of a complex than she already had. And seriously why end an episode with the surgery of a day player? Unless her parents are planning on taking the hospital hostage.

The storyline was rushed and ridiculous... but it led to some AMAZING moments and performances.

So, it's NOT "the milkman, the paper boy, even TV"? That's why I heard then and even recently on a rerun. But I have chronic lyricosis (mishearing of lyrics-ha!)

Michelle, no I think you're right, I'm pretty sure it is "evening TV". Is it sad that I always got the Full House theme mixed up with the theme to Family Matters? They always sounded really similar, IMO

I was afraid to admit out loud that I really loved the Jason and Jake scenes in a world filled with mostly Jason hate. Steve did a great job, and that kid is frickin' adorable with a CAPITAL A. I think he looks a lot like Steve Burton.

Okay, so they bring Olivia into the ER and Patrick says, "O.R. 3 is open." I'm thinking, was that a line misread? Do you mean EXAM 3 is open? Because surely you aren't taking her right into surgery without EXAMINING HER FIRST, ARE YOU???? How the hell do you know what you're operating on? Not even a pushy-feely on her abdomen? NOT A CT SCAN, X-RAY?? Couldn't you at least have a psychic give her a read?

Then I tried to use logic (HA!) and thought maybe (even though it's lame and not realistic to actual MEDICINE) that Steve called ahead to let them know she had internal bleeding (which he so expertly figured out with a stick and a snowball while in the field), but even HE didn't know what the hell was wrong with her until later when he asked Dante!

Jesus...small children can pretend better medical and legal scenarios than GH.

I loved the Jake and Jason scene even though it was just a prop for the up coming Jasam baby (Yeah we know it's coming)! To tell the truth I haven't watched GH in almost a month I usually go to different blogs to check and see if I missed anything. When I heard about Jake/Jason scene I went and watched it on Youtube. I also saw the Sonny/Abby scene and I know everyone loves her but, she's a grown woman whose a stripper/prostitute (she was gonna sleep with Micheal for Sam so yes she's a prostitute). If that woman would have told me that her relationship with my 18 year old son wasn't any of my business that heffa would have been glad that she was already in a hospital after I finished with her! Yes I know she makes sad faced Micheal happy but as a mother of two boys (7 & 8) I understand Carly's death glare.

I watched the Jake/Jason and Liz/Cam/Lucky scenes on YT. Sam with a baby? Um mm -- no. When a woman goes to such lengths (hiring armed thugs?!) to kill her boyfriend's son then there is no way in hell, she should ever, ever procreate.

CAMERON AND JAKE ARE AMAZING. They'd better cast an equally adorable actor to play Aiden when he gets older. I knew Becky Herbst was gorgeous, but I didn't know that her fictional character was capable of producing such adorable babies!!!! (That's almost as creepy as Jerry's "Carly makes the best babies," isn't it?"

On the bright side, now we don't have to hear Kristina going on and on about how Michael should ditch Abby and date Allie instead. But poor Krissy- that girl has been through so much in her life. She almost died as a kid and was saved by Sam's dead baby, she was traumatized when she thought she saw Sam kill Diego, she got into a car accident and killed her unborn brother, she ran away with her other brother, she got pressured into losing her virginity, she got beaten up by her boyfriend, she lied about it, she almost got blown up by her father... and now her friend dies. No wonder the girl's in therapy!

You would think GH could make Lainey a contract character on the show and just have her counsel Sonny and family.

Don't like the new doctor... weird look maybe cause he is connected to Lisa

Don't like Abby either-- don't see the chemistry with Michael at all.

Love Cam and Jake-- too cute for words

"And he wasn't immediately damned with hellfire and damnation for creating a hero hierarchy that doesn't feature Jason at the top!"

Oh Mallory, see it was okay because it's Michael and he's Jason Jr. Soon Michael will be rocking the black t-shirts and staring into his own box of pain while having his ass kissed by everyone and their dog Toto.

Loved Carly's death glare! Loved Cam and Jakey! How the director coaxes a kid Jake's age through scenes like the one with Jason always amazes me. I always assume it's sort of spontaneous conversation and the actors are ad-libing. Which makes me more impressed with Steve Burton. A previous commentor is right, when Burton's consciously engaging himself in a scene he really is a fine actor (seriously after the bulk of one's career on this show, I can't say I blame any of them for occasionally phoning it in). Moving scene all around.

And I loved JJ's performance as always. His line delivery is so natural and easy he's one of the few actors on the show who manages to make it look effortless, like he isn't acting at all. Wish Rebecca Herbst had been on longer, but considering what they've given her lately, I should be grateful for those 2 and 1/2 minutes!

My opinion is that the young boy playing Jake is a better actor than Steve Burton.

Did Liz not tell Lucky that Cam was going on the trip? I assume that because he did not freak out as soon as he heard about the crash. Furthermore, did she not call Lucky AFTER she heard about the crash? He finds out from the passenger list, right?

Remember, with any cosmetic plastic surgery there can always be risks and complications that can occur related to infection or a reaction to anesthesia. But with precautions by the surgical team, complications are typically minimized or prevented. Make sure you ask all the right questions as to what to expect before and after your surgery.

I think JJ(Lucky), KMc(Robin) and SB(Jason) are three of the most natural actors on GH. For the most part their acting is not over-the-top or campy, like we tend to see a lot of on soaps. They seem more like real people when they're in scenes as opposed to characters.

I was surpised to see this bus incident over so fast. You would've thought they could have left them stranded in the snow for a few days (I think it was maybe only a few hours in GH time).

OMG, I was hoping you would write something pointing out what a hypocritical ASS Sonny is, and here it is!!! Not that this is NEWS or anything, but when he was telling Abby she shouldn't be hanging out with Michael? Seriously, I almost had to buy a new TV set cause I was ready to throw rocks at my current one.

Dude is a fricking MOBSTER who used to run a strip joint and got a girl addicted to pills, and oh, SHOT HIS SON IN THE CHEST, and HE judges????

Where is your Cameron 'Bitch, PLEASE' photo on this one? :)

There was one glaring gaffe on Thursday's show when Robin told the new doctor she was "born and raised" in Port Charles. Isn't there a file with bios of every character on the show so the writers can check history before they write something like that? She came on the show as 5 or 6 year old Robin Soltini. Anna Devane didn't have Robin in P.C. Anna was already on the show before Robin turned up. This would have been so easily checked out by the writers, if they cared at all about the history of the show.

I don't really see any purpose of this bus crash as spawning any other stories or advancing any other plots. I FF'ed through all the scenes of Dante keeping vigil at Olivia's side. Bo-ring. The only thing missing was Sonny's usual trip to the hospital chapel.

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