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« Note to Bo: When You Forget Everything After the First Beer... | Main | Going Out With A, Um, Bang »

January 06, 2011

Whatever Happened To Predictability?

Referencing the Full House theme song is definitely showing my age (and telling you the following factoid is definitely showing that I have moments of serious dimness: when I was little, I misheard the rest of that line as "The milkman, the paper boy, even TV". It baffled me! "Nothing happened to TV! You're singing this song ON TV!"), but I am just excited to finally have an answer to the question posed alongside genial family montages of the Tanners doing stuff: predictability is alive and well, and residing in Port Charles.

Seriously, Allie's death? Her last name might as well have been Quartermaine. That is how clearly the writers were itching to kill her off.  


Allie: My head has been hurting ever since the accident. It's so weird. [Collapses on Kristina's bed]

The actress gave that collapse her all! She has a future in wordless, overly dramatic gestures and movements! And, um, less of a future in talkies.

The surgery during the end of the episode montage (set to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah"! This half-assed excuse for a story has come full circle) confused me. Because I knew that Olivia already had her surgery and Dante was sitting talking to her, but I couldn't figure out they were operating on. And then it hit me. "Oh! Her!" Patrick probably should have saved the energy and not even bothered. 

Her death did lead to some inadvertent hilarity, and I don't just mean the collapse. Kristina confessed to Sonny that she felt guilty for what happened to Allie.

Kristina: Nobody even knew how bad she was, because they were focused on me.
Sonny: Sweetheart...(pause for a beat while he thinks, "And that's wrong because...? Oh, I know, it's wrong because they should have been focused on ME!") it was an accident, okay?


Speaking of predictability, Sonny's chat with Abby was predictably awkward. When it starts with the sentence, "I couldn't help noticing the fishnets and shoes. I used to own a strip joint", it's the kind of thing you watch through half-closed eyes. Half-closed from embarrassment.

He also--again, predictably--missed the point of 2010 entirely. It sailed right over his head (not like that's hard). If we learned anything from that godforsaken year in Port Charles, we learned that Sonny is a menace to society in general and to his kids in particular: Dante? SHOT IN THE CHEST. Kristina? Nearly blown up. Michael? Went to prison for a murder directly related to his father's criminal lifestyle and a criminally stupid coverup. But Sonny is more concerned with Stranger Danger.

Sonny: I'm not going to ask you where you met Michael, because I respect his privacy. But do you have any idea what he's been through?
Abby: I know that he went to prison, and I know why.
Sonny: So then you know that he's on parole and he has to be careful about who he sees, where he goes...[...] I'm sure you're a good person, but I don't want my son hanging around strip joints, getting into trouble, fights...

MISSING THE POINT! Here is the Cliff's Notes version: the point is that you are TERRIBLE.


Abby and Michael's reunion was ALSO predictable. Because it was shown, explicitly, in the bus crash promos. But the promos were missing Carly's death glare! The death glare that clearly said, "You're fucking good as dead, oldster". 

Guess who's excited to tune in tomorrow!


ALSO ALSO predictable: General Hospital's astounding inability to grasp the way that hospitals actually work. I laughed uproariously at a man who is simply interviewing for a job at the hospital jumping in to treat patients. The laughter then turned into bitter, bitter tears. It's like the writers think about what would make sense and then think, "No, no. What we should do is the exact opposite of that".


The most predictable of all? Cameron and Jake being so cute that theirs scenes had me squealing with delight. It was like I was seeing The Beatles at Shea Stadium!

Eeeeeeee!!!! And that's not just something I type: it is a sound that I actually made!

Cameron was reunited with his parents, admitted to the hospital and tugged at my heartstrings all episode.

Lucky: You must have been freezing out there.
Cam: I had a big jacket on.

Cam: Can't I go home?
Lucky: Well...how about I sleep next to you in that chair over there? How does that sound?
Cam: Good!

Lucky: I think our son's a hero and if he wants a visit from his little brother, he shall have one.

I agree wholeheartedly with the assessment that Cam is a hero, and I hope he gets a plaque for his troubles. Or maybe a key to the city!

Jake, meanwhile, was brought in to visit his older brother and ran into Jason and Sam. I don't think Jason even noticed how blatantly Jake was sizing him up--and it was blatant. Very "What's your game, man?"

--because he was completely overwhelmed by seeing his son. I don't often compliment Steve Burton's acting, but I have to give him his props here: he hit every single note of wistfulness and wonder.

Their scenes playing with motorcycles were too cute for words.

Jason: I actually have one, too.
Jake: Where?
Jason: It's in the garage.
Jake: Why?

Jake is obviously evidence for Nurture in the Nature vs. Nurture argument, because he's much more expressive than his biological father.

While we are on the subject of Jason, I am concerned! Dante was the first person to arrive at the bus crash, and yesterday, Steven said

"Michael's the one that found her. He's the true hero tonight".

And he wasn't immediately damned with hellfire and damnation for creating a hero hierarchy that doesn't feature Jason at the top! What does all of this mean?! If Jason is a perfect specimen of perfection and heroism, but two heroes are even better heroes than he is, where does that leave our holy hitman?! Is this what an existential crisis feels like?!


Hey Janet B., these writers don't care about those of us who know the history of the show and characters. To them, there was no General Hospital or Port Charles B.S. (before Sonny).

GH writers caring about character history? That is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time.

Full House Theme Song lyrics
by John Stamos
What ever happend to predictability?
The milk man, the paper boy, evening T.V
You miss your old familar friends, but
waiting just around the bend.

Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There's a heart (there's a heart)
A hand to hold on to.
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There's a face of somebody who needs you.

When you're lost out there and your all alone
A light is waiting to carry you home
Everywhere you look.

Extended Version:

Ahhh Ahh Ahh Ahhh Ahhhhhahhhh

What ever happened to predictability?
The milk man, the paper boy, evening T.V.
When did I get to living here? Somebody tell me please
This whole worlds confusing me.

Clouds as mean as you ever seen.
And a bird who knows your tune.
And that little voice inside you wispering.
Kid don't sell your dreams so soon.

(Everywhere Verse)

Ahh Ahh Ahh Ahh Chity Chi bob botta

That's right Janet, we didn't get Sonny's chapel trip this time! I love how he's Catholic when it's CONVENIENT for him to be Catholic -- like when he wants to get married (again) or have one of his spawn baptized or when one of his spawn is injured (USUALLY because of something HE did, either directly or indirectly).

Wait. It's not "even TV?" I've been operating under an illusion all these years!

Okay, I love you guys SO MUCH. For many reasons, but today for not making me feel bad about misunderstanding the "Full House" lyrics! When I found out that the line is "the milkman, the paperboy, evening TV", my mind was BLOWN and I was judged, hard, by my friends. So to know that I was not the only one makes me feel much better.

Also, I love that Cam love brings the world together.

It's evening TV. I would bet my mother on it.

"The actress gave that collapse her all! She has a future in wordless, overly dramatic gestures and movements!"

HA! She should join the jamesvandermeme revolution! The Van Der Beek will show her the way.

There's a sentence I never thought I'd type.

LaTanya, I'm w/you on the Michael/Abby thing-I FREAKIN' LOATHE Carly's crazy ass, but I was like, "NOW, Carly, NOW! is the time for one of your patented bitchfits! I could tolerate the screeching for this!" B/c I have a son and daughters, and let me tell you-would they write a story where the much older guy who ran the strip club fell in love w/a FREAKIN' TEENAGE GIRL, and have the fans being all, "Oh, the parents should leave them alone, they're in LURVE!"? You're damn right they wouldn't-there would be outrage! And if MY son got involved w/a much older woman who was a freakin' STRIPPER, no less, her ass would get the same beatdown and statutory rape charges than an older guy dating one of my daughters in the same scenario would. That's repulsive and bordering on pedophilia-period. Just as, imo, were Ethan/Christina and Johnny/Christina.

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