This Is About As Subtle As A Katy Perry Video
ALL MY CHILDREN WRITERS: Remember how Reverend Ricky isn't actually a reverend and is actually BAD?
MALLORY: Of course I remember that, we just found out a few days a--
AMC WRITERS: We know that was a complex plot twist, so we don't blame you at all for not remembering.
MALLORY: I rememb--
AMC WRITERS: Don't worry, we're going to remind you. See here, when Ricky is lurking in Kendall's house, hiding from Erica, ready to get his bludgeon on?
MALLORY: Please don't say that.
AMC WRITERS: That was pretty bad. Are you still with us? Should we go slower? Okay. Ricky talks to a lady about being evil.
Henchwoman: You remember that you're not really a minister? You're the exact opposite of a minister. You kill people.
Ricky: That's not all I do.
Henchwoman: Well, you get my point.
Ricky: I know what I am, and I know that I have a cover to protect f I'm going to keep that money flowing from those casinos to us, oh, not to mention keeping us from going to prison.
Henchwoman: Now what?
Ricky: Now? Now I get Kendall to rely on me. We're friends, but I need to get closer to her if she's going to lead me to what were looking for.
AMC WRITERS: "Evil" is another word for BAD.
MALLORY: Yeah, okay, he's bad. So, question, if he's not really a minister, does that mean that Ryan and Greenlee aren't really--
AMC WRITERS: We knew you'd have questions. See, when Erica says things like this:
Erica, to Ricky: You've already been such a help to Kendall and our whole family.
It's funny, because he's actually BAD! That's called ironing.
AMC WRITERS: Bless you.
Erica: Apparently, Ryan Lavery has continued the investigation into Zach's crash. Apparently, he found this box. A metal box that Zach had on the plane with him.
Ricky: A box?
Erica: I guess it was important enough for Zach to have it with him on the plane.
Ricky: OH. This box...where is it?
AMC WRITERS: See? He's PLOTTING and she's just happy that he's being so kind and supportive.
MALLORY: Ha...ha. If only she could have heard the loud, creepy, ominous music that accompanied that scene! Then she'd know for sure that he's evil.
AMC WRITERS: ...she can't hear the music. She's not real. Duh.
Ricky: You're a very lucky girl to be surrounded by all these people who care about you.
Kendall: I know, I am.
Ricky: And Ryan Lavery, he's really been there for you, especially since you lost your husband.
Kendall: Well, we've been friends forever.
Ricky: The fact that he hired his own investigator to look into the crash. WOW! That is some friend.
Kendall: He just wanted to make sure that everything was done.
Ricky: So...your mother said that they found a BOX? Something about a box.
AMC WRITERS: See, it's funny because he's BAD and he wants the box for BAD reasons and is really subtly trying to find out about the box.
MALLORY: I don't think you know what subtle means.
AMC WRITERS: I think you have "us" confused with "you".
Serious questions, though:
- If Ricky isn't actually a minister, that means that Ryan and Greenlee's wedding is invalid, correct? Oh, good god, we are going to have to sit through yet ANOTHER Rylee wedding.
- So...did Zach just carry around this lockbox with him (containing a letter for Kendall that says "In the event of my untimely death") at all times? "Hey, I'm running to Starbucks to get a latte, you want anything? Ooops, I almost forgot my metal lockbox!"
- Was Kendall's dress hella low-cut or what?
I don't know what is wrong with me, because I have been down this road before and just last week, when I was talking about Scott and Madison, I said that I should not and would not register my approval of them, lest something terrible happen to them, writing-wise, but I can't contain myself: Tad and Cara? All sorts of adorable.
I loved their cuteness trying to get Liza to believe that they are actually engaged. Jamie Luner had a pitch-perfect "I need to vomit/I wish I were dead" look on her face during her interrogation and Michael E. Knight's gleeful petulance was just so much fun to watch.
Liza: You love her?
Tad: She is so much more than beautiful. That is not your average, garden variety spicy tomato! She is smart and she's loyal. She's brave. She's been through the wars, Liza [The wars?!?! --Ed.] and she gets me.
Liza: She gets you?
Tad: She gets me, yeah. Do you speak English? She gets me. She understands the good and the bad and god knows, there's plenty of that and she loves me anyway. And newsflash, Liza! Something you never thought about: she actually makes me feel good about myself. What more do I have to say?
And I loved their scene at the end of the episode.
Cara: [Amanda] probably hates what I've done to your family.
Tad: Who cares? I don't care how she feels about you. I care how you feel about you. You were willing to save Jake's life, so I'm marrying you to save yours. End of story.
Cara: Oh, I think you're being too kind about this.
Tad: No, I'm not. A guy can do a lot worse than being married to you and look at it this way: you've got a good income, you smell nice, you're not entirely unattractive to look at.
Cara: Thank you! So sweet.
Cute, right? I know that the age difference should bother me, and if it were two other characters, I'd probably be screaming "ICK NAST GROSS" through a megaphone, but MEK and Lindsay Hartley work so well together.
(ALSO: she has the greatest hair on the planet or is, at the very least, tied with Megan Ward. It's so thick and SO shiny and sometimes I just stare at it and sigh happily which makes me seem like a super creep...)
Speaking, as I was a second ago, of Amanda--she confessed to Jake that she was the one who called immigration about Cara. I love Chrishell Stause to pieces, but am lukewarm about Ricky Paull Goldin who, I've found, either overdoes it or is so lethargic that he might as well have a robot stand-in, and Jake and Amanda as a couple have been stuck in neutral for so long. So I was all sorts of shocked and delighted by how raw and well-acted their scenes were today.
Amanda spent the first part of the episode lurking around the hospital nervously, biting her lip and practically screaming "Someone did something wrong! You don't think it was me, do you? It wasn't!" She hysterically interrupted Griffin and Jake's conversation to scream at Griffin about how all of this is Cara's fault, and then kept her charade up for a while longer before even Jake realized that something was seriously wrong.
Amanda: I heard her, Jake. I heard her. What she said about you, how she wanted to get back with you, the love of her life.
Jake: Oh my god, she was joking, she was kidding!
Amanda: Well, that's not funny.
Jake: She was being facetious and because you overheard something and heard it wrong. Now someone's in danger. They're going to get sent out of this country. They're going to be on a hit list.
Amanda: I was trying to protect my family.
Jake: On a hit list!
Amanda: You never told me about a hit list. I didn't know Cara would be in danger.
Jake: That's not the kind of thing you bring somebody into, right?
Amanda: Why? We're not supposed to keep anything from each other.
Jake: Because it's dangerous! Because I don't want you involved in anything like that.
Amanda: Before she came to town you never kept anything from me.
Jake: Don't. That's not--this is different. That's nothing to do with it.
Amanda: I need you to understand this. If I knew Cara would be in any danger, I'd never, never call immigration, but you were so intent on protecting her.
Jake: No. Turn it. You're blaming everybody else, you're blaming Cara, you're the one who made the phone call. YOU did it.
Amanda: I get it! I made a mistake. I was trying to protect my marriage! I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry and now I'm afraid that you're never going to forgive me.
I am so used to the two of them just mooning over each other that it was a serious shock to see this side of them. I really--this is so bizarre to say--enjoyed it.