Deception and Delusion
You know what's weird--actually, "weird" is too benign a word for it. You know what's downright disturbing about General Hospital? I mean, aside from the fact that, off the top of your head, you just came up with 83 different ways to answer that question. What's downright disturbing is that one of the more better written, better acted couples in Port Charles is comprised of the incredibly irritating Adrienne Barbeau (the character whose name I can't be bothered to remember; I am sure Adrienne Barbeau, as a person, is delightful. I mean, she was on Maude! Spending that much time with Bea Arthur can only lead a person to a good place) and a criminal mastermind.
I'm not saying that they're the next big supercouple or anything (but can you imagine seeing them hugging and happy on the cover of Soap Opera Digest?! What could their couple name be? I'm partial to Balki 'n' Barbi), but Daniel Benzali and Adrienne Barbeau don't seem repulsed by each other, and The Balkan and Adrienne Barbeau seem to genuinely enjoy the other's company, and that is much, MUCH more than we can say for a lot of the romances on this show.
Theo: You are a formidable woman. I was wise to marry you.
Adrienne Barbeau: Don't you forget it.
Theo: I've missed you during this tedious separation.
Adrienne Barbeau: I've missed you, too, but we have to remember we're laying the necessary groundwork.
Theo: Yes, we are. And we'll soon have all the time in the world together, after Brenda Barrett finally pays for killing our son.
Adrienne Barbeau: They would be floored to discover we're married.
Theo: And Alexander?
Adrienne Barbeau: I've never mentioned our son to Brenda. She brings him up occasionally, how violent he was. She has never shown any remorse about his death. It takes a lot of effort to hide my true feelings.
Theo: Well, soon you won't have to. So are you helping with the wedding preparations today?
Adrienne Barbeau: Mmm. I offered to help. And you?
Theo: Paying a visit to that den of incompetence.
Adrienne Barbeau: Theo, there is nothing wrong with you!
Theo: As you know, I have as delicate constitution, which happily gives me an excuse to meet with the matron of honor and get some more details about the wedding.
Adrienne Barbeau: And I take it Robin falls for your lonely curmudgeon routine?
They're kind of sweet, if you ignore the fact that they are blood-thirsty criminals embroiled in a years-long quest for revenge.
I wonder when Bob Guza had the idea to connect Adrienne Barbeau to The Balkan; I mean I know for sure that it was not at the time he created the character, because it could not be more obvious that this is a total rewrite. So was it weeks ago? Months ago? Did he see fan speculation online that wondered if Adrienne Barbeau WAS The Balkan and think, "Right, like a woman could be powerful. Right. She could be married to someone powerful, though!" and update his famed whiteboard, changing the caption under Adrienne Barbeau from "Totally useless" to "Mrs. Balkan"?
Brenda: I know exactly what you're doing.
Good try, GH, but I doubt there is anyone out there who seriously thought Brenda finally saw through Theo and Adrienne Barbeau's elaborate ruses and knows their secret. She's spent years with Adrienne Barbeau and hasn't picked up on the fact that she loathes her, despite all of Adrienne Barbeau's expressions being ratcheted up to eleven! I understand that such fakeouts are just part of soaps, but that one was extra insulting to my intelligence.
Then there is Carly, who grows more divorced from reality by the day. And that is a compliment! Every time one of her brain cells becomes so full of self-loathing that it explodes, I laugh. Like her conversation with Sonny, where she hit all the beats in the "This Woman Is A Fucking LOON" song.
Carly: You fell in love with Brenda 20 years ago. Since then, you've been married and divorce, and fathered children.
Carly: You've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. You have loved and you have lost. Brenda has nothing. She's still frozen in time. She's never had children. She's never been married. She doesn't have a home. All she has is this charity that only involves her getting her picture taken.
"I mean, you know who gets their picture taken?"
Seriously, though, about a dozen offensive things escaped Carly's mouth in those two lines. Let's not even touch the fact that, with this comparison, she is declaring Sonny's trajectory over the past two decades the more favorable of two options (!!!). Let's talk instead about how a life without a husband and children is not a life at all--it's the life of a child. Let's talk about how that makes me RAGEY. Ugh, this effing show.
Then she just went back to being the delusional Carly we all know and...the vast majority of you hate.
Sonny: All your doing right now is convincing me that you're so jealous of Brenda that you can't even see straight.
Carly: No. I'm not jealous of Brenda. Okay? I'm not.
"I'm not. I'm not jealous, Sonny. I swear I'm not. What would I even have to be jealous about? The fact that she's a supermodel and everybody in my life likes her better than me? Right, like I'd be jealous of that. She's SELFISH, okay? SELFISH. And she's LOUD. And she is SPOILED. And I'm not jealous of that! I'm just not, because gross. Gross!"
Sonny: Okay, you can hate Brenda all you want. I can't stop you from doing that--
"Unless I shoot you again but with my luck, once again, you'll pull through"
Sonny: But you really need to respect her.
Carly: I will never respect her.
"Not in a million, billion years".
Carly: I'm not going to let you marry her.
Sonny: What does that mean? Do not try to stop the wedding!
Carly: I promise you, your wedding to Brenda will not happen.
If only she was in on Theo and Adrienne Barbeau's plan! Three demented heads are better than one! A combined effort to ruin Brenda's life would be much more successful and also hilarious. I'm imagining wacky montages and weeping bitterly at what could have been.