Serial Drama

Wedded Bliss or a Wedded Miss?

MAJOR!

EPIC!

LONG!

Those are but a few of the all-caps words I can use to describe the Brenda/Sonny wedding EXTRAVAGANZA. And it WAS an extravaganza. A full week of all the soapy shenanigans we've come to expect from huge soap weddings, this had literally everything you could possibly ask for:

A hugely popular couple getting married

 
Public ogling of Nancy Lee Grahn

 
Continuity!

(Granted, the continuity here is about how comfortable Port Charles is with incest. But hey, respecting history is respecting history.

Sonny: I saw you dancing with your cousin molly. That's very nice.
Morgan: I kept trying to get away from her, but she kept finding me.
Sonny: Well, you, know, hey, that's the sacrifices you make for your family, right?

What more will poor Morgan have to do in the name of family?!)

There was even a disembodied hand, for heaven's sake!

 

Of course, all of this assumes that you weren't asking for certain characters to receive their comeuppance. Or for a writing staff who is capable of doing more than just lazily recreating their own stories. Or stunt casting. Or a bride who would make it through three full hours of being married before she was presumed dead/missing.

But if you seriously wanted any of those things, you'd likely have given up on General Hospital eons ago...

This Is About As Subtle As A Katy Perry Video

ALL MY CHILDREN WRITERS: Remember how Reverend Ricky isn't actually a reverend and is actually BAD?
MALLORY: Of course I remember that, we just found out a few days a--
AMC WRITERS: We know that was a complex plot twist, so we don't blame you at all for not remembering.
MALLORY: I rememb--
AMC WRITERS: Don't worry, we're going to remind you. See here, when Ricky is lurking in Kendall's house, hiding from Erica, ready to get his bludgeon on?
MALLORY: Please don't say that.
AMC WRITERS: That was pretty bad. Are you still with us? Should we go slower? Okay. Ricky talks to a lady about being evil.

Henchwoman: You remember that you're not really a minister? You're the exact opposite of a minister. You kill people.
Ricky: That's not all I do.
Henchwoman: Well, you get my point.
Ricky: I know what I am, and I know that I have a cover to protect f I'm going to keep that money flowing from those casinos to us, oh, not to mention keeping us from going to prison.
Henchwoman: Now what?
Ricky: Now? Now I get Kendall to rely on me. We're friends, but I need to get closer to her if she's going to lead me to what were looking for.

AMC WRITERS: "Evil" is another word for BAD.
MALLORY: Yeah, okay, he's bad. So, question, if he's not really a minister, does that mean that Ryan and Greenlee aren't really--
AMC WRITERS: We knew you'd have questions. See, when Erica says things like this:

Erica, to Ricky: You've already been such a help to Kendall and our whole family.

It's funny, because he's actually BAD! That's called ironing.
MALLORY: Irony.
AMC WRITERS: Bless you.

How To Construct A Quality Episode In Three Easy Steps

1. Unify it. Say, have an episode made up entirely of nothing but continuing scenes only in pairs up until the final segment.

2. Don't be afraid not to move the plot along at breakneck speed (even in a sweeps month!). It's okay, you have five days a week, 52 weeks a year. But if you don't move the plot along? Showing us scenes that are just rehashed versions of things we've seen already is repetitive, so why not skip that and get crazy. Try some character development.

Try deepening relationships.

They Should Save Money and Use an Actual Xerox Machine as Head Writer

OMG, remember that time when Sonny's new wife was blown up by a car bomb?  In juxtaposition to a happy event?  And Brenda was part of the story?  Man, what a time.  I wish I had a photo of what I was wearing.  And my hair!  Oh lord, my bangs.  I can't even talk about them.  It was such a crazy era.

Siiiiigh.

This show is so far past trying that "barely making an effort" is a mark that it cannot hope to even have in sight without a degree of improvement that has probably never before been seen with anything associated with television. 

poll by twiigs.com

So Much Dumbassedness

Abby's gold is made of purer gold than all the other gold in the world, and certainly purer gold than can be found in the heart of any other stripper/not-a-hooker; the show has made that abundantly clear. And today it drove home the point that her brain is made of nothing.

 
Michael: How was the interview?
Abby: Ugh, the job would be perfect for me! They need a legal secretary, but they love the idea that I'm studying to be a paralegal. They even suggested paying for some of my tuition.
Michael: Yeah? That's great!
Abby: It was, until they asked me about the gap in my resume. And then I told them that I worked as a stripper. They couldn't get me out of there fast enough. 

I'm trying to think of excuses Abby could have made for her resume gap and my hand is cramping from trying to type all of them, but there are a few: couldn't find a job because of the bad economy; I traveled the world trying to find myself and also worked with lepers; I took a year off from work to follow Jason Morgan around Port Charles with a blissful, worshiping gaze on my face. If she had used that last one, she would have gotten hired on the spot!

Considering how much actual, you know, story the show leaves on the cutting room floor, I can't help but think this conversation was included for a specific reason, and I am thinking it's to tell the audience, "See, it's okay that this grown woman wants to date a damaged teenager, because she's not your typical grown woman. She is fucking stupid".

She has competition, though.

Lisa: Tell one more lie about me, Maxie. Go ahead, I'll make sure you'll regret it.
Maxie: I'm not afraid of you.
Lisa: Maybe you should be.
Maxie: Why? You're going to blow me up in some beaker or try to shoot me up with something like you did to Robin?
Lisa: I never tried to hurt Robin.
Maxie: She's crazy and she's lying.
Johnny: Take it easy.
Lisa: You know what? You're embarrassing yourself, Maxie. So maybe you should go sit down.
Maxie: So? You're a pathetic bitch.

I know it's totally a soap thing to do something horrible (or lots of horrible somethings) and then act aghast and victimized when people accuse you of doing that exact horrible something, but is she kidding? What is Maxie lying about? Delusional cow.

Hopefully, Lisa's completely ill-advised decision to poke Maxie's crazy (it's a good kind of crazy! And she's being protective of her cousin, but she's crazy all the same. Look at how her crazy mind works--she spends three minutes with Johnny and she all of a sudden psychically guesses Lisa's plan?) is going to signal some movement in this story. Movement that will see Lisa being ushered out of town, preferably.

But these moments of unmitigated dumb didn't put a damper on the rest of the show. When the episode ended with Sam seeing The Balkan in her rear-view mirror? I almost started a slow clap at how ridiculous and ripped out of a horror movie it was.

 
The man knows how to make an entrance. And he also has a cave lair and a manservant. I think I have officially started to unironically love The Balkan.

And! I never expected to be typing these words in this order, especially considering that I was burnt out on this particular story back in January, but: Sonny and Brenda's wedding has seriously charmed me. I know! What has happened to me?! An elaborate wedding that, yes, has been dragged out and saw my preferred Brenda paramour sitting like a sad panda all by his lonesome and was nearly ruined by Carly, who faced absolutely zero repercussions for being a mean-spirited harridan (I say that with love) and should have at the very least been on the receiving end of one of Lulu's punches (she punched Dante in the face. It was awesome), but I found myself almost totally entertained by all of it; entertained enough to give it a post of its own at the end of the week.

So I'm actually GRATEFUL for the aforementioned stupidity, because it reminds me of what show I'm watching. "Oh, right, this is GH with its ridiculous, lazy writing. All is right with the world after all".

New Twists Bring New Problems (or New Jack City)

Today's One Life to Live was just... weird. 

The big unveiling today was the newly recast Jack and his role as bully to young Shane. The new Jack:

Todd thinks he should really do something about "that kid's" mouth. 

Translation: "Now that they've SORASed Jack and recast him and written him abruptly into a storyline about Shane being bullied at school, I should really talk to my son about the fact that he speaks to other human beings with all the respect and kindness that he's always seen me show other people, which is absolutely none at all. I really should talk to him despite the fact that I've always encouraged him when he's mocked and insulted people. Do you think he might be acting out because he knows I once handed him off to strangers to get rid of him and told his mother he was dead? Damn these kids, they're so uptight. All I know is, I should really get around to making sure Jack's not a bully, but first I'm going to go beat the shit out of my daughter's boyfriend after insulting my other daughter a few times."

And now, meet the totally-not-at-all-cliched universal blocking for a teen bullying scene:

That propping-the-elbow-on-the-other-tough-guy's shoulder blocking looks like it might be from a scene from Grease, or else just slightly based on the staging from back when Nick got gay-bashed by either the Jets or the Sharks. You can tell someone's really mean if they rest their elbow on someone else's shoulder -- I suspect we'll see Clint do it any day now. Why did we never see Eli do this? It's helpful shorthand. But just to make sure, they should don one of these fellows with a sideways cap pretty soon (Jack might want to consult his Great Aunt Dorian; I'm sure she has an appropriate hat in her collection).

Greek Chorus In Fuschia Lipstick

Seems that yet again Tess was somehow the voice of reason on today's One Life to Live. Okay, "reason" is an overstatement, as there's clearly nothing reasonable about wanting to marry Ford, even if it's just for some sort of not-very-well-thought-out payout. However, her complete and total disdain for him on every level continues to be a delight.

"You're not my type. Do you really think this lumpy, waxed body is something that would turn me on? Put your shirt on before I lose my breakfast."

About Clint: "Enough to forget about the fact that you practically raped his daughter when she was helpless?? If you think he's gonna let you anywhere near his grandchild, think again."

"And then Clint's team of lawyers are gonna say how you slept with Jessica when she thought she was in high school. You're gonna look like a pedophile. And then he's gonna trot in every woman you've ever used and thrown away. By the time he's done, you'll never see your son again. Hell, you probably won't be allowed near schools!"

It was a good day.

Ford manhandling Tess ("for Jess's own good" or some such bullshit) is making me blow a gasket, though. If we're supposed to be impressed by his attempts at making sure Tess doesn't damage Jessica's body, they are barking up the wrong tree. He comes off as controlling and abusive, nothing else.

Married To The Mob

February 18th was Sonny and Brenda's wedding date which, of course, you already knew, thanks to ABC Daytime's impressive advertising campaign that saw promos on every channel at every hour of the day and thanks to the show's writers, who worked in references to the wedding date at every possible opportunity. I don't really blame them, though, for approaching this with their usual subtlety and finesse because this is big news: a soap wedding. A SUPERCOUPLE soap wedding! A SUPERCOUPLE soap wedding where the bride is being haunted by a nefarious villain with an evil plan that could change Port Charles FOREVER/until the writers decide that it's not fun anymore.

It was overhyped beyond belief and there is a a really good chance that things will blow up in the most ludicrious fashion possible come Monday and a lot of the episode really just dragged, but--and maybe I am grasping at straws here because I am desperate for something to like--I enjoyed oh so much of it. I am a sucker for soap weddings! You know this!

 

Let's start with the bald, bespectacled threat to the well-being of Port Charles. The Balkan's secret double life is secret no more, as a child and a moron have both discovered his identity: Molly overhead him plotting evilly in his office, while Spinelli did a DNA test online comparing Theo's DNA to Alexander's. I...whatever, at least this story is FINALLY moving forward a little. Spinelli shared the news with Sam and Jason.

Sam: Unbelievable. Under our noses this whole time.
Jason: Theo has had the upper hand long enough. Now we turn the tables.

Maybe if anyone in this town could read a person's body language, it wouldn't have taken that long! The first time Theo practically went into a trance and glared at Brenda like he wanted to gut her like a fish, someone should have figured out that something was a little off about him.

The Balkan has no idea that the secret is out and is prematurely celebrating Brenda's ruination with Adrienne Barbeau, even though Brenda has not yet been kidnapped (and won't be for a while, thanks to Carly, of all people, foiling Shawn's attempt).

 
Adrienne Barbeau: I hate that bitch as much as you do. She murdered our son.
Theo: Brenda and her would-be husband will soon pay dearly for their many sins.

I still have no idea why they needed to do all of this at the wedding and not, you know, at any point over the past few years when Adrienne Barbeau was constantly at Brenda's side and Siobhan's purpose in all of this seriously baffles me, because you'd think Adrienne Barbeau would give The Balkan all of the inside information he needs. I hope that Jason asks them these questions when he and his gun confront them angrily!

In and Out and In Again

PICTURE IT: This blog. One month ago. News that Rebecca Herbst was unceremoniously dumped by General Hospital made us feel all sorts of emotions--some of us were enraged, some of us were dejected, some of us were celebratory and all of us were worried about Cameron Webber's future on the show.

(I probably didn't need to recap that for you, since it went down a mere 30 days ago, but if soap operas have taught me anything, it's that viewers are wholly incapable of remembering things that happened even 24 hours earlier.)

But! She's sticking around after all. What? I know!

ABC isn't talking (yet), but Digest confirms Rebecca Herbst(Liz, GH) is staying! The fans have spoken and the show reversed its decision to write her out. Stay tuned.

YAY, for starters, but also...questions. SO many questions.

• Since when does ABC Daytime make GOOD decisions? This is startling to me.
• Was this all a publicity stunt? It couldn't have been, right? Especially since I don't think any of the...I'm trying to think of a polite way to phrase this. Especially since I don't think any of the burnout morons (that's diplomatic in a way, right?) at ABC have the skills necessary to make that happen.
• Will they actually, you know, write for her now?
• Oh em gee, are we going to have to sit through the (I'm assuming character-assassinating) story that was meant to usher her off the show, only to have the writing pull a "Hey, never mind all that, okay? Didn't happen" since she's not actually leaving?

Why Can't We Have Nice Things?

Why, All My Children? WHY? Why, when I like something, do you fall all over yourselves to set that something on fire? You never move that quickly when it comes to storyline progression, but hurting my feelings turns you into Olympic level sprinters.

Recently, I said these three words: "Rev. Ricky? J'adore!" .

Then, mere weeks later, EVIL HAPPENS*.

Ricky, on the phone with a partner in nefariousness: What the hell was that? I've spent months trying to get Kendall to trust me and let her guard down and now the amateurs just bust in and toss her house? I don't want excuses! Now you listen to me. Kendall Slater is a smart woman. She's already asking questions. Now, if I'm going to find what we're looking for, I'm going to need her to keep thinking of me as her friendly neighborhood minister and not the man who killed her husband.

I know we're all asking ourselves the same question and that question is "What the crikey fuck is going on right now?", but let's put that one on the backburner and ask another, equally important question: if you're concerned about protecting your newly created identity and keeping your crimes a secret, why do you have a conversation about both of these things in the middle of a hospital hallway?

But UGH. Why did Ricky have to be involved in Zach's death? It's like Donna Swajeski said "I think this storyline needs to go in a completely implausible direction" and David Kreizman said, "But I had been hoping we could just make it completely uninteresting!" and then, in unison, they said, "We should totally make Rev. Ricky a killer!" I bet they even high-fived, either oblivious to (or all too aware of) how obnoxious this "plot twist" really is.

Now, we have another item to add to our rapidly-growing "Kendall Hart Slater Seriously Has The Worst Life Ever. Seriously. Seriously" list and we can anticipate another melodramatic promo once Kendall learns the truth! Have you caught the latest promo, which gleefully spoiled Ricky's true intentions?

Gravelly-Voiced Promo Man kind of half-assed it, no? He's usually much better at making mundane situations sound, you know...interesting. But I guess I can see where he was coming from. "ANOTHER commercial about Kendall's unspeakable tragedies and near-death experiences? I do one of these every week! And how the hell am I going to say "As she recovers, she uncovers a murder" without sounding like a total schmuck? Screw this show."

*So obviously I am not going to spend even a second talking about how freaking cute Scott and Madison are together, because if I do that--if I mention the goofy way I smiled at this exchange:

Scott: How do you feel about telling the world that you made a baby with a guy who just got out of prison?
Madison: And a one night stand at that!
Scott: What are you talking about? It's not a one night stand. I asked you out again.
Madison: When?
Scott: Right now. Would you like to go out with your baby daddy?

The writers will turn one or both of these characters into a serial killer and the other into a cannibal. So I am just keeping my mouth shut.