Married To The Mob
February 18th was Sonny and Brenda's wedding date which, of course, you already knew, thanks to ABC Daytime's impressive advertising campaign that saw promos on every channel at every hour of the day and thanks to the show's writers, who worked in references to the wedding date at every possible opportunity. I don't really blame them, though, for approaching this with their usual subtlety and finesse because this is big news: a soap wedding. A SUPERCOUPLE soap wedding! A SUPERCOUPLE soap wedding where the bride is being haunted by a nefarious villain with an evil plan that could change Port Charles FOREVER/until the writers decide that it's not fun anymore.
It was overhyped beyond belief and there is a a really good chance that things will blow up in the most ludicrious fashion possible come Monday and a lot of the episode really just dragged, but--and maybe I am grasping at straws here because I am desperate for something to like--I enjoyed oh so much of it. I am a sucker for soap weddings! You know this!
Let's start with the bald, bespectacled threat to the well-being of Port Charles. The Balkan's secret double life is secret no more, as a child and a moron have both discovered his identity: Molly overhead him plotting evilly in his office, while Spinelli did a DNA test online comparing Theo's DNA to Alexander's. I...whatever, at least this story is FINALLY moving forward a little. Spinelli shared the news with Sam and Jason.
Sam: Unbelievable. Under our noses this whole time.
Jason: Theo has had the upper hand long enough. Now we turn the tables.
Maybe if anyone in this town could read a person's body language, it wouldn't have taken that long! The first time Theo practically went into a trance and glared at Brenda like he wanted to gut her like a fish, someone should have figured out that something was a little off about him.
The Balkan has no idea that the secret is out and is prematurely celebrating Brenda's ruination with Adrienne Barbeau, even though Brenda has not yet been kidnapped (and won't be for a while, thanks to Carly, of all people, foiling Shawn's attempt).
I still have no idea why they needed to do all of this at the wedding and not, you know, at any point over the past few years when Adrienne Barbeau was constantly at Brenda's side and Siobhan's purpose in all of this seriously baffles me, because you'd think Adrienne Barbeau would give The Balkan all of the inside information he needs. I hope that Jason asks them these questions when he and his gun confront them angrily!
Speaking, as I was a second ago, of Carly: Sonny was smart enough (I know, right? I am way charitable today) to realize that Carly needed to be taken care of during the wedding. Sonny wasn't smart enough (that feels so much better) to realize that having Max and Milo kidnap her was a terrible idea because it took her all of a few minutes to get rid of Milo and, in a supremely uncomfortable scene, seduce Max. She eventually gussied herself up, distracted Shawn from his mission and sashayed into Brenda's room to threaten her one last time before she became Mrs. Corinthos.
Brenda: What do you want?
Carly: I just came to say good-bye.
Then there was Jax. Sweet, handsome, wonderful Jax who brought Morgan to the wedding, agreed to a truce with Sonny for the day, wished Brenda well and was, in general, just the bigger man.
Jax: Well...I've always wanted you to be happy. I realize that I don't get to tell you how you find that happiness. So...
Brenda: Wow. We are growing up, all of us, huh?
Jax: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Brenda: Well, thank you so much. I mean, I know this probably wasn't easy for you.
Jax: I genuinely want what's best for you. And if that's Sonny, then so be it.
DON'T DO IT, BRENDA, MARRY JAX INSTEAD, BRENDA&JAX4EVA<333333
Do you need wedding vows? Here, use the fan fiction I wrote for this exact situation
And I mean bigger man literally, by the way. I wonder if Ingo Rademacher feels uncomfortable surrounded by the munchkins that make up the rest of this cast. Maybe that's why the show is holding on so tightly to the Jax and Carly pairing despite all of their breakups and all of their (well, all of Carly's) personality flaws and betrayals; Ingo Rademacher and Laura Wright have chemistry to spare and wouldn't look right paired up with some of the weebles in town.
Sonny, about Olivia: Um, you know what? You take care of her. She's like a sister to me, you know?
Um, you know what? Ew. Why is sister sex the theme of the week? And no Cassadines are even involved!
Also, I know I am harping on this and if Olivia has moved on and if Dante has forgiven his father enough to participate in his wedding, then maybe I should let go of my grudge, but...
Sonny: You know, um, I know I don't tell you enough, but I know that it must have been really hard, you know, a young woman raising a boy all by herself.
It was also really hard, you know, when you SHOT HER UNARMED SON IN THE CHEST, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE.
I really liked Dante and Lulu together a whole lot, before it was all shot to hell in order for Bob Guza to shoehorn his two favorite characters into one story devoid of logic and sense, and their reconciliation has been cute, but isn't it a little weird that Lulu is already making light of Dante and Brenda?
Dante: Um...hey, how long does the best man have to hang around at the reception?
Lulu: Well, you have to make a speech, and you have to dance with the bride.
I know that having Dante and Lulu in a lovey-dovey place will make it all the more dramatic when the baby secret is revealed, but it was just so weird. I would not be okay joking around like that because, well, again with my grudge-holding. My complete inability to move past real betrayals and perceived slights does explain why I like Carly so much, though...
One of the very best parts of the whole week has been the utterly adorable portrayal of the Robin and Brenda friendship. On the one hand: SQUEE! On the other hand: I don't feel that I should be celebrating a healthy relationship between two best friends. In fact, I am peeved that this is the most Brenda and Robin we have gotten since VMG returned to the show. Their heart-to-hearts and supportive conversations should be a regular feature on this show; they shouldn't happen so rarely that any conversation is a cause for celebration, but here we are.
I loved Robin telling Brenda that the wedding day is a blur and to observe and enjoy everything, and that she doesn't regret marrying Patrick and AWW!
Brenda: I want you to know something. I'm so happy you're here by my side. None of this would ever have happened without you.
Robin: Are you kidding me? I wouldn't miss this for the world. This wedding is the most important thing to me. I mean, the fact that you two are going to be together after all this time, it's--it's so inspiring. Okay. It's time.
Robin: I would have done everything exactly the same way. Except maybe having to deal with Lisa.
Brenda: Why is there always a Lisa or a Carly? I don't understand what's happening.
Robin: I don't know. Men, they just love crazy women.
Brenda: 'Cause they're idiots. Why do we like them?
There were a couple of...odd moments, though.
Brenda: What if I try and speak and I can't form a sentence, like right now, and, um, I sound dumb?
Uh, if that happens, it will be incredibly clear that you and Sonny really are meant to be.
Brenda: Will you punch me in the face, because I just want to make sure I'm not dreaming.
Is...is that a thing? Like, was run-of-the-mill pinching just not good enough? I have to say, I hope this version of Brenda doesn't say that to many people, because I can see some of them taking her at her word and hauling off.
And there are times that VMG sort of...I don't know, sleepwalks through a line and all of a sudden remembers she's acting and overcompensates with a shrill cackle. It makes me nervous to watch.
Brenda, like she just took a heavy dose of Valium: I've never been this happy before. It's the most perfect day of my life [Pauses and then immediately starts laughing like the loudest and possibly drunkest member of an 80's sitcom's live studio audience].
But WHATEVER, because the other moments--the BETTER moments were just so good. My heart thawed considerably at the Something Old, Something New tradition and the subsequent group hug
I can hear you now: "Um, the writers haven't ever spent this much time thinking about the writing, so let's move on to important things, huh? CLOTHES!" I'm happy to oblige.
As she has for much of her time back in Port Charles, Brenda exhibited some strange fashion choices. I guess when one is a supermodel, these things can be described as eclectic. First came her homage to Black Swan.
Remember, it's February 18th! In upstate New York! I mean, granted, February 18th WAS unseasonably warm in New York (I actually treated myself to an iced coffee. Do you know how long it has been since I had an iced coffee? it was amazing), but really.
Then she changed and...sort of looked like she belongs in a commercial for a Sandals resort.
Then came the wedding ensemble, which--this is going to sound weird, but I hated so many components of her look and yet thought she looked gorgeous overall. Her hair and her absurdly heavy eye makeup were dreadful:
And the veil was a skosh over-the-top:
The Bridal Party
Was it a happy coincidence that all of Brenda's bridesmaids are impossibly petite brunettes, or was there some sort of height requirement? Is that why Brook Lynn didn't make the cut? Well, that and the fact that the show explicitly stated that Brenda and Brook Lynn really don't have a relationship, which...this show's hatred of its own history makes me both sad and angry.
Anyway, it goes without saying that they looked uniformly ADORABLE. I am a sucker for J. Crew, so I loved the dresses. I mean, I don't overly love that shade of brown, but it works surprisingly well with the pink and they all just looked so gorgeous.
That's a gorgeous shade of blue, no?
Lisa LoCicero is so, so pretty (and so, so thin) and she and Scott Reeves are gorgeous together. Will Steven and Olivia's coupling be an actual storyline or will it be comprised of one half-hearted comment made to or by Dante before they disappear to the backburner forever?
Jane Elliot can do no wrong.
Julie Marie Berman is gorgeous and deserves much, much better than this. The heavily adorned side braid was such a terrible idea, but I'm most offended by the chunky necklace.
Carly is as aggressive with a Bedazzler as she is everything else in her life. This was a "Oh, holy god, no" sort of dress, but she's definitely going to upstage the bride so mission accomplished.